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I think he's calling off the wedding...
AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37
Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.
He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x
quietnightmare · 03/01/2023 11:52
So in one year you went out 3 times and stayed out until 4am. You have done nothing wrong. If you were doing it every week and unfunctional the next day or two, or aggressive when you come home, or doing it on work nights and you weren't making it to work then he has a point but in this case then NO WAY SHIULD YOU PUT UP WITH HIS JEALOUSY. Tell him this isn't the 1800s you are your own woman and you can do what you like. You can offer to text him throughout the night to simply let him know you are ok but that's as far as his say goes in this situation
Kolakalia · 03/01/2023 11:54
He doesn't want 'his women' in nightclubs...
Is he a fan of Andrew Tate? That knobhead who was recently humiliated on a global scale by Greta Thunberg for going looking for a fight with her? I looked him up after seeing him on the news and he said something similar. That if 'his women' want to go to the club or bars they can go with him. Misogynist shock jock but a surprising amount of men take what he says seriously.
The late night thing is a red herring, the problem here is that he doesn't trust you, because you cheated on your last partner. So somehow you're trustworthy enough to marry, but not enough to go out late in case you slip up and cheat again? He was a willing participant in the cheating but I can see why someone might start a relationship with a cheater and think they can handle it only to realise much later on that their trust in that person won't ever be what it should be due to how it started, sadly.
I would definitely call off the wedding.
BellePeppa · 03/01/2023 11:54
Supernormative · 03/01/2023 11:52
Neither of you sound mature enough for marriage. You lose track of time until 4am (how is this even possible unless you are really drunk?) and cheated on your previous partner with him. He stonewalls you when you try to discuss it and is controlling.
Yes, they sound like a disaster waiting to happen. They would both be better off maturing first before getting married.
autienotnaughty · 03/01/2023 11:57
If it's a deal breaker for him. End it. He's controlling and likelihood is it will get worse. What if he decides your disrespectful by having friends or by going shopping or working. He sees you as his possession and this will increase once married and if you have children. End it and run.
Cordeliathecat · 03/01/2023 11:59
Why aren’t you allowed to be hit on in a nightclub? My DH assumes me and my friends are hit on in nightclubs. I assume women flirt with my husband too when he’s out with his friends. It doesn’t matter. We love each other and trust each other.
The only time my DH has an issue with me strolling in at god knows what time is when it results in me being useless the following day. And then he just gets impatient with me, he doesn’t end our relationship over it.
I’ll bet that if and when you do marry, there will be more rules you have to follow. Get out now before it’s too late.
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 12:00
springerspanielpuppy · 03/01/2023 11:35
If he told you last year that staying out until 4am was a deal breaker why did you agree to marry him if you knew this was something that you would want to do again? All the cries of control don’t really stand up if this is the only thing that ever bothers him. You knew it did for whatever reason.
Many people take drugs, it’s a deal breaker for me so if my DF said he wanted to take drugs every few month and I decided to call off the wedding, it doesn’t mean I’m trying to control him. He’s an adult he makes a choice and deals with the consequences, as do I.
You have based your entire position on a false equivalence.
Going out for a late night with your mates a couple of times a year is normal, & legal, & nobody needs to police any other adult who wants to do it.
It would be controlling to attempt to.
Not sure why you imagine this has any bearing on drug-taking.
Most people don't want to be with a drug user. It's not (very) normal, & it's illegal.
It is not controlling to leave them over it.
PortableVirgins · 03/01/2023 12:00
He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.
His women? What, has he got a posse? I wouldn't go on second date with someone who thought that me having a social life that different from his, far less contemplate marriage.
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 12:01
whattodo1975 · 03/01/2023 11:35
Mumsnet if full of threads abouts husbands coming home much later than expected because "they lost track of time" and the generally consensus is "trust your gut" and leave as he's having an affair.
It's a pretty pathetic affair OP's conducting then. Three illicit meetings in two years ...
SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 12:02
So you're first big night out in 12 months and he's gone all "my women, my possession".
If you get hit on in Asda will he ban you from going shopping? What about a Dad on the school run asking for a play date? Bleurgh. No thanks.
The only way I'd say he's reasonable is if it affected that weekends work and you rely on you both. But then it's about that, not a man looking at you and the assumption you'll fuck him of you can
dcut · 03/01/2023 12:03
I had problems with my ex staying out until 4 am. This was because he'd say he was coming home from work at 7 pm and then not show up as he'd gone drinking with his friends. He'd roll in in the early hours, drunk and aggressive.
This happened several times a month. This sort of thing is disrespectful. I didn't have an issue with him going out with friends at all but when we'd arranged to do things and then he didn't show up without even bothering to message, I found this unacceptable.
Adults should have the freedom to go out with their friends, spontaneously too, but it's courteous to let a partner know so that they aren't waiting around for a no-show and can do something themselves.
However, the OP says this:
*He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on
which indicates there is a whole different issue at play here and this really isn't acceptable. "His woman" - wtf? That tells you all you need to know. And he doesn't trust you. I think this is not a good man to marry OP.
Dindundundundeeer · 03/01/2023 12:04
He's jealous and insecure. You were out and clearly having a great time without him. He doesn't socialise like that and now he doesn't want you to either.
Where is his redline? Is 2am OK, or haven't you tested that? I would worry that once you have a child and a life this behaviour would escalate.
His reaction is attempting to control you. Why would you want that? Reasonable discussion (even after an initial row) is what's needed here. Blanking you is totally unacceptable. How can you expect to make a life with a man that behaves like this when faced with something he finds hard? Beware, be warned.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 12:07
ShimmeringShirts · 03/01/2023 11:54
So you cheated on your ex with your current partner and now he’s scared you’re going to do the same to him. You’ve made your bed tbh.
It's been 6 years. If he thinks she's sleeping around it will do, he shouldn't marry her and op should set him free
KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 12:08
Tamarindtree · 03/01/2023 11:40
Maybe it’s me but where do you go to at 4.00am in the morning?
Staying over at a friends house having a girls night in is one thing but hanging out in a bar or a club that late when you are not single does seem odd to me!
Stop all the clocks, close down all the clubs
Prevent the people mingling with a curfew
Silence the dance music & cancel all the cabs
Because now you are My Woman, & I own you
Skyeheather · 03/01/2023 12:10
If my DP kept going to nightclubs and not coming home until 4am I wouldn't be happy about it either. But, if my DP was into nightclubs we wouldn't have for past date number three because I hate nightclubs and a relationship with someone who does just wouldn't work for me, I'm a local pub/restaurant kind of person.
If you've been together six years, have you always gone to nightclubs until the early hours or is this a new thing? If it's a new thing, why? If you've always done it, why is it a problem now?
How old are you both?
SunscreenCentral · 03/01/2023 12:10
Butwhichoneistheman · 03/01/2023 11:46
Take back control and hand him back the ring. You can do much better.
This kind of thing escalates. Get out before there are children involved else he’ll be punishing you for imaginary misdemeanours in front of your children.
I know someone in this exact situation and it is Hell On Earth.
It has indeed escalated to the point the persons keys were "tidied away" over Christmas and not returned until the break ended. They are simply not allowed out without permission granted in advance. Punishment for being late takes the form of screaming tantrums in front of the children.
Thinking about it makes me feel ill but there's little I can do for this person as they are too broken to seek help and can't afford to leave.
Don't go there Op. Just don't.
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 03/01/2023 12:10
doesn't want his women in nightclubs if any sentence that remotely resembled that passed by OHs lips I would have his stuff packed before he reached the full stop!
You have found the buffers of this relationship. Your choice now is to meekly obey or to tell him to sod off with his ideas of ownership, distrust.
And YOU must call the wedding off. It isn't a prize for well behaved boys and girls. It is a lifetime commitment between equals.
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