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Original poster

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 01/01/2023 22:15

i agree with you, i think it should matter.
to me it would show how much he values you given he has money.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 01/01/2023 22:17

You need to be able to talk to him
about it, tell him that you have always imagined a diamond ring and ask if that is something he might consider - if it’s about the money you can at least have a conversation, perhaps he just didn’t have a clue what he was looking for.

I’m not a money grabber by any stretch, I have my own money but to be honest if he is just stingy I would reconsider a future, it’s so fundamental to how you’ll live your life together.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 01/01/2023 22:19

Cripes, cubic zirconia and sterling silver? Maybe this is the sign of things to come? Tight with money, tight with love.

justasking111 · 01/01/2023 22:20

Think I'd lose it appear very upset and ask him to contact his insurance company. Or you will claim on your insurance. That should flush him out.

We didn't have a lot of money at the time so bought a vintage ring made of gold with real stones.

This ring isn't a lifetime promise.

category12 · 01/01/2023 22:20

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

If you don't like it and it's the wrong size, then speak to him about it. Maybe you could go and choose something else together.

GreenManalishi · 01/01/2023 22:22

is extravagant in his own spending on himself.

This to me shows that he feels that he deserves nice things, yet you don't, which really doesn't bode well.

LaLuz7 · 01/01/2023 22:22

I think expensive diamond rings are wasteful and unnecessary but surely there's a middle ground between that and £50 pounds cubic zirconia rings...

I'd be disappointed too.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/01/2023 22:22

Did he lead you to believe it was a real diamond? If he's lying about it, that's a red flag.

The cost of the ring is mostly irrelevant, what's important here is that there appears to be a pattern of spending a lot on himself but very little on you. What do you think life will be like in the future if you're off on maternity leave and have a reduced income?

cigarettesNalcohol · 01/01/2023 22:24

Something like an engagement ring is for life and you need to be happy with the look and the quality of it. It needs to last. I would say something, certainly if he's a big spender on himself...

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 01/01/2023 22:24

If it was all he could afford it wouldn't bother me

But if he can afford more, and spends more on himself normally, then I would be worried it was part of a pattern of behaviour where he thinks he deserves more financially than you.

If you want children especially this would be concerning

If its more of a one off and he's just a bit rubbish at choosing jewllery and he's open to a conversation about it then fair enough

I'm totally not a money orientated person so an expensive ring isn't a priority to me, but an equal relationship where both people are treated financially fairly is

Weatherwax13 · 01/01/2023 22:25

If you were on a tight budget and had discussed keeping the cost down that would've been really sensible.
However this seems like he's being tight. Idk how he thought you wouldn't twig. And I'm not saying he should have spent a fortune either. That always seems daft IMO.
Has he been enthusiastic about the engagement otherwise and set a date?

SheWoreYellow · 01/01/2023 22:26

Oh crikey OP, it’s likely to have cost £20-£30

eg www.argos.co.uk/product/7570605?clickSR=slp:term:cubic%20zirconia%20rings:26:301:1

I think natural diamonds can be ethically dubious and there are great alternatives out there, but that’s different to him not saying it’s not a valuable ring.

Sunshinegirl82 · 01/01/2023 22:29

It's not about the ring, I'd be concerned about what it says about his wider feelings about how much he values you compared with how much he values himself.

If you'd agreed a small budget or there genuinely wasn't much money to spend that's one thing but that doesn't seem to be the case from what you've said.

When my DH and I got engaged we discussed a budget as by then our finances were joint. Have you discussed finances? How do they work now? Do you plan on having a family? How will finances work then?

LaLuz7 · 01/01/2023 22:29

SheWoreYellow · 01/01/2023 22:26

Oh crikey OP, it’s likely to have cost £20-£30

eg www.argos.co.uk/product/7570605?clickSR=slp:term:cubic%20zirconia%20rings:26:301:1

I think natural diamonds can be ethically dubious and there are great alternatives out there, but that’s different to him not saying it’s not a valuable ring.

I get cubic zirconia rings on AliExpress for under £5. Even 20 might be an overstatement

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 22:30

I don't understand why you would be thinking about marrying someone that you can't have a conversation with.

I have mixed views on the cost of the ring - mine didn't cost that much. However we didn't have much money at the time and it was a joint decision about what we should spend and I got to choose a ring I would like (as, after all I am the one who has worn it for over 30 years).

But, you know, we TALKED.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/01/2023 22:32

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 22:30

I don't understand why you would be thinking about marrying someone that you can't have a conversation with.

I have mixed views on the cost of the ring - mine didn't cost that much. However we didn't have much money at the time and it was a joint decision about what we should spend and I got to choose a ring I would like (as, after all I am the one who has worn it for over 30 years).

But, you know, we TALKED.

This!!! If you can't have this conversation with him, there's a bigger problem than your ring being cheap and nasty. Talking to him about you feel will be revealing for many reasons. Potential red flag material.

Pootle22 · 01/01/2023 22:33

This is a hard one for me. I didn't want an engagement ring, I don't wear much jewelry and only wanted to wear a wedding ring. You wouldn't believe the fuss people kicked up about 'him not getting me a ring'.

However, this ring does not fulfil your needs as an engagement ring and so it says something about your relationship. Either he doesn't know you well enough to know what you want, or he doesn't care, or he's tight. None of these are good qualities in a husband.

If its about the ring lose it or have an honest conversation.

Whatsfordinnerglutenfree · 01/01/2023 22:36

If It’s about the ring, it’s not about the ring.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/01/2023 22:37

Sterling silver and cubic zirconia, yet he has the money to spend a lot on himself… not a prince among men is he. And is he serious, or is it just essentially a token gesture to keep you quiet and he has no intention of actually getting married…? Just a thought.

Allgoodthings1 · 01/01/2023 22:42

I’ve never admitted it to a soul in real life but this happened to me. I felt shock at him being down on one knee then instantly felt a bit ‘😕’ when I saw the ring. It sounds so so shallow but like you I don’t really wear jewelry. I’m not into designer makes or flashy things but I think with an engagement ring when you’re going to wear it for the rest of your life you really want to love it. I was pregnant at the time and ended up going home and initially plucking up the courage to say it didn’t fit so maybe I could change it then I ended up in tears and couldn’t stop crying (pregnancy hormones) 🙈 I felt so guilty! I said it wasn’t the shape I would have chosen and could I change it as I wanted to really love it if I was to wear it forever. He agreed and I ordered the one I wanted. It was one of the ones he said he’d had on the table to choose from but was more expensive than the other ones. In my head I couldn’t understand his thought process in that moment. That one was nicer and actually had a big discount off it so was worth far more but it was as if he thought ‘nah I’ll get her the cheaper one’. It’s maybe just a guy thing and they don’t think!

Anyway, I swapped my engagement ring for a different one that was very similar but one I love. No one ever noticed it wasn’t the original one, I had even posted a picture of it on Facebook. At our wedding I was dreading him throwing me under the bus in a speech by telling everyone to embarrass me but thankfully he didn’t 😂 Still the one piece of jewelry I wear but I’m now happy with it and don’t have that sinking feeling when I see it, wishing I’d said something. If you think it will bother you long term maybe ask if you could change it and give a particular reason rather than just you don’t like it. Hope you manage to get one you love

Iwonder08 · 01/01/2023 22:44

Unless you are both romantically broke students you don't marry a man who thinks 10 quid ring is the right ring for the proposal for the love of his life.

AubadeIsIt · 01/01/2023 22:48

He should be embarrassed if money isn't the issue. I would turn it down and say you'd like to get engaged when he does it properly. He might accuse you of being greedy and superficial. Then you'll know for sure whether he's a dork.

Original poster
newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:51

so ive spoken to him, hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful, google cant tell how much a ring is worth etc. it can tho within a range.. im not materialistic at all but i feel an engagment ring is something that should be special in some way.. ive seen rings similar on amazon for 20 quid

OP posts:
AubadeIsIt · 01/01/2023 22:53

You're right, it should be special. He sounds like an idiot (especially regarding Google info)

Aria2015 · 01/01/2023 22:54

Agree with other posters. It's the fact he has the money and happily spends on himself that makes the whole thing a red flag. Also the fact he hadn't bothered to get it resized shows a lack of interest and care too. I think the ring may be telling you something...

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