Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:
Mumoffairy · 01/01/2023 22:55

I think it really depends how cheap and what he can afford. From what you said i would be disappointed.
My ring also wasnt that expensive, but its white gold with a proper nice diamond (although not very big).
But DH and i got engaged at age 19 and I know he saved up like crazy to buy it for me.
My friend has a huge ring, but its a crystal instead and about the same price as mine was. She prefers hers (size > everything). I prefer mine (quality > show off).
Sounds like you got neither?

justasking111 · 01/01/2023 22:58

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:51

so ive spoken to him, hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful, google cant tell how much a ring is worth etc. it can tho within a range.. im not materialistic at all but i feel an engagment ring is something that should be special in some way.. ive seen rings similar on amazon for 20 quid

Take it to a jeweller for resizing, which they'll tell you is impossible. Or ask him for the receipt. Then give him a £20 note and show him the door

MeJane · 01/01/2023 22:58

It's not going to last the duration of your marriage if it's a fashion type ring. My ring is tiny. Tiny! But I've been wearing if for over twenty years and it's what we could afford at the time.

Abcdefgh1234 · 01/01/2023 22:59

You are right. Engagement ring should means something. Its a big no for me especially if he extravagant with his spending on himself. I would imagine he will be pretty tight with money when you married him.

Ikeameatballs · 01/01/2023 23:01

The reason he hasn’t progressed the resizing is because no jeweller would bother to do it, the job would be more than the value of the ring.

I think this is a poor indication of how he feels about you. Not the value of the ring in itself, if that’s all he could afford that would be fine, but that he could afford more and imo his dishonesty and pushing the guilt/blame to you when you have raised it.

Summer2424 · 01/01/2023 23:02

Hi @newbie224 congratulations on your engagement 💍
in all the engagements i've known including my ring the budget is about £2000.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2023 23:03

MeJane · 01/01/2023 22:58

It's not going to last the duration of your marriage if it's a fashion type ring. My ring is tiny. Tiny! But I've been wearing if for over twenty years and it's what we could afford at the time.

Depends how long the marriage is!

I'm not sure I like lots of aspects of engagement rings. Diamonds aren't always ethical and the fact that it's sort of marking you as taken when he's not etc. However, if you do get an engagement ring it shouldn't be crap. And CZ is crap. I'd rather have no stone than that.

featheryfancy · 01/01/2023 23:04

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's not about being materialistic, it's about what it represents and I'd say this sends a pretty clear message.
I'm glad you've said something, even if it has put him on the defensive. Has he given any explanation of what he was thinking?

Original poster
newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:04

i don't care about the look of the ring really. Its the quality.. an engagement ring to me is something to last a life time. its not necessarily the price of the ring more the materials used to make it.. sterling silver and cubic zirconia are not quality materials used to last a long time.. its a bad omen in my eyes, but in his im all about money

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 01/01/2023 23:05

I don’t think a cheap ring would matter if you literally had nothing

but in this instance he is showing his colours
you deserve so much more

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/01/2023 23:05

That's another red flag. He won't have a conversation with you about it, he just shuts you down with a negative comment (that you're ungrateful).

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/01/2023 23:07

I agree with you OP that it's about quality not cost. We were students when we got engaged and the ring was 9ct gold with garnets so cost very little, but it was pretty and solid.

BigHeadBertha · 01/01/2023 23:08

Without much context, it's possible he's just clueless about engagement rings and then got his feelings hurt when informed he did poorly.

If YOU think that's what went on, I'd try giving him something solid to go on. First pick out the ring that you do want. Then tell him that you love being engaged to him but you always wanted a real diamond and real gold ring and that's what the general expectation usually is. And just ask him for the ring you've picked out.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 01/01/2023 23:08

Id be rethinking the engagement. Not because of the ring, but because of what he is saying to you with this ring.

he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it
so at the very start of your engagement, with the ring, and he has lost interest in making it fit. What has his attitude towards wedding planning been in those two months?

It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap … google cant tell how much a ring is worth
well, yes it can. Did you ask why he chose cz instead of a diamond or a different stone? rather than focusing on the price?

i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more
this tells you about his attitude towards money, which could have meant he prioritises more important spending, however
and is extravagant in his own spending on himself.
The suggests he is selfish with it.

hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful this is a massive red flag. He knows he tried to deceive you. He knows he is caught out. So instead of admitting it he is blaming you.

romdowa · 01/01/2023 23:09

We got engaged during lockdown. So there was no ring but I picked my own one when shops opened . It was a vintage ring and I love it, it was about 500 pounds but we were 8 weeks away from having a baby and that's all we could afford. It's a shit that he couldn't stretch to a couple hundred quid. I'd throw the cheap ring back at him

HappyintheHills · 01/01/2023 23:09

It’s fortunate that you haven’t married him yet, his defensive criticism of you says you shouldn’t

AdoraBell · 01/01/2023 23:10

I also think they him spending extravagant for him and presenting you with a cubic zirconia ring means he is more important than you. I would not marry this man. You should be equal.

Aria2015 · 01/01/2023 23:10

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:51

so ive spoken to him, hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful, google cant tell how much a ring is worth etc. it can tho within a range.. im not materialistic at all but i feel an engagment ring is something that should be special in some way.. ive seen rings similar on amazon for 20 quid

Don't let him tell you that you are ungrateful. This isn't about being materialistic. It's about the ring being a symbol of what you mean to him. If he happily spends money on himself but isn't happy to spend it on you, then that shows he values himself above you. Getting engaged is a big thing, the fact he hasn't made an effort to get it resized also shows he doesn't value you highly either I'm afraid.

WatieKatie · 01/01/2023 23:12

How long have you been together and do you live together?

I could live with a ri g that I don’t like but not a cheap ring like this appears to be. I’d suggest going back together to get it resized. That will be an interesting outing…….

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 01/01/2023 23:12

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:04

i don't care about the look of the ring really. Its the quality.. an engagement ring to me is something to last a life time. its not necessarily the price of the ring more the materials used to make it.. sterling silver and cubic zirconia are not quality materials used to last a long time.. its a bad omen in my eyes, but in his im all about money

Surely he is the one who is all about money. And keeping it to himself. What would he do during maternity leave? Would he expect you to pay an equal share towards bills?

who earns more now? How do you share finances?

C1N1C · 01/01/2023 23:17

Yeah, I'm trying hard not so say it...

An engagement ring is a symbol, nothing more. It is a request for marriage and a signpost of the event. The idea (diamonds are forever) is largely a De Beers concept to sell more diamonds, which has been adopted in modern society.

My wife would have killed me if hers cost more than a few hundred pounds.. and for people to spend thousands (as with a wedding) on something like this is obviously your choice, but in my opinion, crazy.

If you ask me, he did a sensible thing, and to penalise him for not spending a sh!t-load on something so trivial is unfair. The fact that you 'needed' to look at the price says that maybe you value the financial security rather than the love of the man himself. It should be the fact that he asked that means more to you, rather than the amount spent (which, sadly most people equate with how much they love you), that matters.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 23:21

His response says even more about him than the crappy ring. Sorry OP, he doesn’t sound great. Is he usually chippy, defensive and critical of you?

LaLuz7 · 01/01/2023 23:23

@C1N1C so you think it's perfectly sensible to pick a ring that costs the equivalent of a pizza?

No one is saying that you need the diamond or to spent 3 month's wages, but there needs to be some balance to acknowledge that the ring is a symbol of commitment and appreciation.

A £20 ring when you are not broke is simply an insult (unless specifically agreed upon).

Original poster
newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:23

yes a symbol. a symbol that a woman has to wear and look at on her finger forever..to see someone spend more on a pair of jeans or a shirt than something that symbolizes your entire life together is different. he has watches hes bought for himself that cost more than the symbol of our unity. Its not about cost.. buy me a used second hand gold ring and id be happy... it would last a lifetime.. a sterling silver cubic zirconia ring wont

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 01/01/2023 23:23

In the country where I am from the traditional engagement ring is the ring equivalent of a plain wedding band here. I always said to dh not to worry about spending lots, I was happy with just a plain gold band. It would age well and last forever. My grandmother who was married for 60 years wore two plain gold bands as her engagement and wedding ring. Two identical bands. I always loved that look. No expensive stones but two rings, fitted perfectly in solid gold. So chic. As the years went on and her hands aged it just looked more and and more beautiful. It was so her. I would have loved a similar set but my dh did pick a solitaire. He saved for ages. Its not a huge rock by any means but he did the very best he could. He planned it, saved, went to several jewellers, read up on the 4C's etc. Because he cared. It just speaks volumes oh who he is. The lengths and efforts that he goes too. Its not about what was spent. Its about the efforts he went to. I was on matleave at the time and money was tight. He went without for months.

Don't let him gaslight you.