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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:
Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 00:51

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 00:02

Yes. The ring is a stupid symbol. It is a symbol of a commitment to a commitment. The marriage is the real proof of love/commitment, and even that is a show... the true proof is TIME!

My wife and I are not poor, but we are sensible with money. This wedding fad is absolutely ridiculous. I understand people build up to it and love a big song and dance made, but this is absolutely 100% peer pressure.

What is to stop ANYONE simply driving up to Gretna Green?! We did! No fancy rings, no extravagant wedding, no costly dresses or cake... guess what, we're happy! The whole event plus rings, dress, fuel, food, hotel probably cost us no more than £1000.

MN has numerous threads about whether people thought their wedding was worth it... typically it's about 75-80% saying they weren't happy and it was all catering to the relatives... so you've got an average of £20,000 on weddings, plus £5,000 on rings etc... so ten REALLY GOOD HOLIDAYS, or 10% of a typical house value in London...

So yes, I absolutely think (and my wife is looking over my shoulder agreeing as i write this), that this is just a ridiculous expectation egged on by the greed of individuals for vanity's (or showing off to friends and family's) sake; and large companies (De Beers, wedding venues, cake makers etc)... comparable to how Hallmark egg on/associate Valentines day with card expectations.

Marriage is marriage. How about just marrying for love? If it's not there before you marry, then £25,000 isn't going to help. If it IS there, then why spend £25,000 showing it off?

So I stand by what I said. If the love is there, elope. That's all you need. Anything else is gold-digging or ostentatious vanity. He asked. Take it for what it is... imagine if a guy judged a girl by how much she spent on the dress for a date???

"Yeah Pete, well I really like her but after our date I looked up her dress and found out she bought it from Primark. That doesn't bode well for our relationship. I like a girl that gives me quality, and if she isn't buying Chanel when I know she spent £10,000 on a car for herself, clearly shows she values her own happiness over mine".

My engagement ring cost £400, my wedding ring £100 and my wedding £3k and would have cost a lot less if we weren't keeping parents happy. (5 years ago)

So I'm totally not one for 20k destination wedding etc and I would have been happier eloping or with a little registry office do, but I was still young enough to bow to parental expectations

But if my DH has got me a £30 ring when he spent more than than on a watch I would have been upset. Not because I want a big expensive thing but because it could mean he valued himself more than me. And I want a relationship where I am treated as an equal.

You only need to spend a few hours on the relationship boards to know it starts with penny pinching when dating and becomes financial abuse when children come along.

And whilst spending £30 on a ring isn't a sure fire way of telling if someone is going to be financially abusive, spending very little on your partner compared to what you spend on yourself, and then being defensive and implying they are money grabbing is a definite red flag

This is the kind of man who will expect his wife to continue to contribute the same amount whilst on maternity leave, and expect her to pay out of her savings.

Who will expect her to pay for everything for the baby because she is a woman. Who will watch her go without new clothes, or haircuts, or any hobbies whilst he swans around with the latest bike, or golf clubs or fancy pants watch.

Then when she wants to return to work she won't be able to because 'childcare is more than her wage' and he won't consider her career prospects, pension contributions or own opinions worthy of consideration.

Then a few years down the line he will bitch and moan that the house is his and the car is his and the money is his, and that means he doesn't need to do any housework, or parenting or take on any of the mental load.

And he will moan that he is the only one bringing in money whilst making it impossible for her to do so.

If she does get a job it will have to fit around school hours, because he won't do any of the lifts, and if the kids are ill he will never take time off because his job is too important.

And when they finally split up and get divorced she will be left scraping by because she's not kept up with her career and he will complain about every penny of child maintenence he pays (if any) and bitch about his crazy ex wife.

Because this is the same old story that happens over and over and over again on this forum and other always starts with a boyfriend whose tight with his cash

So whilst you are right that expensive rings aren't necessary and expensive weddings aren't necessary this isn't really about a ring. it's about an attitude and a relationship.

This could have just have easily been a man who bought himself an expensive watch just before christmas then bought his finance a box of chocolates for Christmas. Or a man who orders steak when the woman is paying on a date but will only let her order salad when he is paying.

The wedding and engagement side of this is a red herring.

thecatsarecrazy · 02/01/2023 00:52

He's a cheap skate, an engagement ring doesn't have to cost the earth but that's taking the piss. It was nearly 20 years ago but my gold and solitaire diamond ring was £160. If he popped the question with a Christmas cracker ring I would have told him to fuck off.

sweetdreamtennasee · 02/01/2023 00:54

I’m not sure how possible this is for you but maybe it will help.

When my cousin got engaged she disliked the ring, and it also needed resizing.

She asked where the ring was from because they could help with the resize, called ahead and explained the situation to the person working there. They hatched a plan which was this, when my cousin and her fiancé went into the jewellers for the resize, the person working there said that the resize would take some months or if my cousin preferred, she could choose from these similarly priced rings in her size which are ready to take home which she then discussed with her fiancé ‘oh but I really want to have one now because I can’t bear to be without ring for months ect ect’ Her fiance was fine with it in.

If something like that didn’t work maybe you could be honest. his feelings might be hurt but it sounds like yours are hurt right now, might be something you can laugh off in the future.

sweetdreamtennasee · 02/01/2023 00:55

*doesn’t work

tired and time for bed clearly!

Opentooffers · 02/01/2023 00:55

He's deeply in the minority proposing with a sterling silver ring. Would probably cost more to resize it than it's worth tbh.
He doesn't value you or the situation is basically what it comes down to - don't marry him.

Judgyjudgy · 02/01/2023 00:58

I hate myself for saying this, but gosh a CZ in silver. That's so cheap and really disappointing 😞 I hope you said no, I feel this is pretty clueless for any man 😕

Startwithamimosa · 02/01/2023 01:01

sweetdreamtennasee · 02/01/2023 00:54

I’m not sure how possible this is for you but maybe it will help.

When my cousin got engaged she disliked the ring, and it also needed resizing.

She asked where the ring was from because they could help with the resize, called ahead and explained the situation to the person working there. They hatched a plan which was this, when my cousin and her fiancé went into the jewellers for the resize, the person working there said that the resize would take some months or if my cousin preferred, she could choose from these similarly priced rings in her size which are ready to take home which she then discussed with her fiancé ‘oh but I really want to have one now because I can’t bear to be without ring for months ect ect’ Her fiance was fine with it in.

If something like that didn’t work maybe you could be honest. his feelings might be hurt but it sounds like yours are hurt right now, might be something you can laugh off in the future.

Gosh that's so devious and genious!

Weenurse · 02/01/2023 01:26

Is he the one who posted on Reddit about proposing, but fiancé would not wear ring as it was made with silver and would not last if she wore it all the time?
If not, there are other people out there justifying cheaper rings to themselves, not thinking about the long term durability of a sliver ring.

Zatroya · 02/01/2023 01:27

I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but OP this is a red flag and you really need to think about what you want going forward.

The person who's supposed to love you and cherish you beyond anything else has effectively told you that you're not worth the inconvenience or hit to the bank balance. He'll get himself a nice watch but won't get you a nice ring, because you're not important to him.

I hope you come to realise that now, because if you realise it 5 years down the line there'll be a lot more to untangle.

Geppili · 02/01/2023 06:06

Dump his penny pinching tight wad arse.

Ivyonafence · 02/01/2023 06:15

Massive red flag.

He hoped to deceive you. He's been caught out and he's turning it around on you, calling you ungrateful.

He isn't treating you well. Give the ring back and say you need to think about your relationship.

thenletskeepdancing · 02/01/2023 06:35

Husband and I had stuff all money when we got engaged. I chose a beautiful silver ring with an aquamarine stone. I don’t wear it all the time, but I love it because it was something he tried to get right and I tried to choose something affordable because we didn’t have any money!

We saved for our wedding, did it in our stunning garden (our old rental house), massive party , beautiful day. My wedding ring is 18c white gold, ringed with little diamonds. It cost a bomb. He has a gorgeous rose gold thick wedding ring.

neither of my rings were about the money, they were about what we could afford at the time and our conversations were very open. I adore both of my rings.

Crazyinlove123 · 02/01/2023 06:43

How did he propose op?

shreddies · 02/01/2023 06:45

I agree with every word that @Letitrainletitrainletitrain wrote.

This is a massive red flag.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2023 06:55

He sounds cheap which isn’t attractive - don’t marry someone like this op

Is he usually more generous at birthdays or Christmas for example?

Remona · 02/01/2023 06:56

I’d be upset too. He’s bought the cheapest ring he could find and he thought you’d just believe it was white gold and diamonds 🙄

It certainly explains why he’s not looking to resize it because no jeweller would bother. It’d cost more to resize it than the ring is worth.

He’s been busted and he’s trying to blame you for being ungrateful. Massive red flags here I’m afraid. He’s shown you what he thinks you’re worth, the skinflint.

TerfOnATrain · 02/01/2023 07:02

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Your post is spot on. This is EXACTLY how my BIL treated my ex SIL during and after their marriage. Words of wisdom indeed.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 07:08

You’re not a money grabber by not being happy with such a cheap ring. I’ve got a ring that I paid more for just because I wanted a nice ish ring. Anyone would be disappointed with such a cheap ring when the husband to be isn’t poor, and is more than happy to spend a lot more on himself. Yes I can understand him being defensive, but calling you selfish, money grabbing etc isn’t good. I was with someone who was very careful (read tight) with money, even on himself. Wearing clothes with rips that he’s owned for at least the 20yrs I’ve known him when he’s got hundreds of thousands in the bank. Guess that’s why he’s got that much. I’d never get with someone so tight anymore, not because I want to spend their money (I earn a good salary myself and am very independent) but because it leads to arguments / frustrations. This could be a warning about your future

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 07:13

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 00:51

My engagement ring cost £400, my wedding ring £100 and my wedding £3k and would have cost a lot less if we weren't keeping parents happy. (5 years ago)

So I'm totally not one for 20k destination wedding etc and I would have been happier eloping or with a little registry office do, but I was still young enough to bow to parental expectations

But if my DH has got me a £30 ring when he spent more than than on a watch I would have been upset. Not because I want a big expensive thing but because it could mean he valued himself more than me. And I want a relationship where I am treated as an equal.

You only need to spend a few hours on the relationship boards to know it starts with penny pinching when dating and becomes financial abuse when children come along.

And whilst spending £30 on a ring isn't a sure fire way of telling if someone is going to be financially abusive, spending very little on your partner compared to what you spend on yourself, and then being defensive and implying they are money grabbing is a definite red flag

This is the kind of man who will expect his wife to continue to contribute the same amount whilst on maternity leave, and expect her to pay out of her savings.

Who will expect her to pay for everything for the baby because she is a woman. Who will watch her go without new clothes, or haircuts, or any hobbies whilst he swans around with the latest bike, or golf clubs or fancy pants watch.

Then when she wants to return to work she won't be able to because 'childcare is more than her wage' and he won't consider her career prospects, pension contributions or own opinions worthy of consideration.

Then a few years down the line he will bitch and moan that the house is his and the car is his and the money is his, and that means he doesn't need to do any housework, or parenting or take on any of the mental load.

And he will moan that he is the only one bringing in money whilst making it impossible for her to do so.

If she does get a job it will have to fit around school hours, because he won't do any of the lifts, and if the kids are ill he will never take time off because his job is too important.

And when they finally split up and get divorced she will be left scraping by because she's not kept up with her career and he will complain about every penny of child maintenence he pays (if any) and bitch about his crazy ex wife.

Because this is the same old story that happens over and over and over again on this forum and other always starts with a boyfriend whose tight with his cash

So whilst you are right that expensive rings aren't necessary and expensive weddings aren't necessary this isn't really about a ring. it's about an attitude and a relationship.

This could have just have easily been a man who bought himself an expensive watch just before christmas then bought his finance a box of chocolates for Christmas. Or a man who orders steak when the woman is paying on a date but will only let her order salad when he is paying.

The wedding and engagement side of this is a red herring.

Absolutely 100%. It’s not about the ring as such, but what it says about the future. I’d be running in the opposite direction.

JofraArchersFastestBall · 02/01/2023 07:28

My DH proposed on holiday with a placeholder ring, which was pretty but inexpensive. He thought we could go out and choose a proper ring together. I loved the placeholder, and was happy to keep it, but within a couple of months it was bent out of shape and tarnished. We went together and chose an antique/vintage ring. Still not wildly expensive, but made of gold and it will last for the rest of my life.

It's not materialistic to want a ring that is good quality and suits you. It's disappointing that your fiancé doesn't seem interested in your feelings.

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 07:30

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:51

so ive spoken to him, hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful, google cant tell how much a ring is worth etc. it can tho within a range.. im not materialistic at all but i feel an engagment ring is something that should be special in some way.. ive seen rings similar on amazon for 20 quid

Do not marry him

category12 · 02/01/2023 07:30

Does he actually want to get married?

How did the proposal happen?

The person saying love is what matters, yes, but you said yourself you spent a few hundred on your wife's ring. Spending £20 is ridiculously low & insulting (unless you're on the breadline).

Not to mention the low effort of not getting the right size or getting it resized in the two months since. It doesn't seem like he gives a shit.

What is the rest of your relationship like, op?

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 07:34

OP - you're getting lots of handy advice here but i think @Letitrainletitrainletitrain Has written an absolutely spot on post here. I hope you read it and see that this ring is a turning point in your life and you can escape this future.

anu22 · 02/01/2023 07:47

newbie224 · 02/01/2023 00:12

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you for your understanding. i am not some money hungry gold digger.. ive spent enough time and money into this relationship to have some expectations.. all i asked for was a metal that wud last the test of time.. no diamonds necessary.. a 30 pound ring is not gonna stand the test of time

The reality is OP that this gives you a lucky break you should be able to tell from this that you are deeply incompatible and shouldn't get married to this person

heartbroken40 · 02/01/2023 07:53

OP, please read all posts and find the strength in yourself to end this. Gosh, this stinginess is so incredibly off-putting. Do it today, and don't let him come back. Meet a man who values you please.