engagement ring expectations..

[newbie224]

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

Oh OP, I hear you. It's not about the ring or how much it cost, but the thought behind it (or lack thereof!!)

If you'd been saving for a house and didn't like the ethics behind mined diamonds, and he'd got you a giant diamond ring, it would be the same situation of not feeling cared for, despite the much bigger expense.

We all make mistakes sometimes, and if he'd gracefully accepted he'd got it wrong it would be something you laugh about in the future.
But it sounds like he's tried to pretend it's higher quality than it is, and been defensive.

The bit that stands out to me is that he's a big spender on himself. Some people just aren't materialistic and may genuinely not "get" that you want an engagement ring to be special, which might take communication but isn't malicious. However it sounds like he DOES value material things -but just doesn't think you are worth it.

As someone who didn't wear jewelry and was very frugal, I was always of the thought "the ring doesn't matter"

But when he offered me his grandmother's simple little vintage ring and made it clear that I didn't have to wear it if I didn't like it, and that we could choose something else together if I preferred, I felt loved and understood and listened to.

If he'd given me an Argos blingy sparkle or even worse, an expensive sparkle, I would have felt like he didn't know me and that would have hurt.

It's not about the ring.
But it is about communication, effort, shared expectations and compromise when things go wrong.

What I would do is hand it back to him and say, sorry I can't accept this or your proposal. I'm sorry you don't think I'm worth much but I think I'm worth more than this. You don't need to be unpleasant.
Men don't understand how you are feeling you have to spell it out.
It isn't a good way to start a marriage, it indicates that he doesn't really have much respect for you.
I've been married three times and the two who pulled the same thing were terrible selfish husbands.

Wear it around a bit, even on a different finger that it fits. Mention you are itchy there and scratch the area a bit.

Must be allergic to sterling silver! I am allergic to sterling silver, can only wear surgical steel, gold or platinum. My ears are the most sensitive.

Bringing up the price right away would not be a good idea.

If you don’t want to have suddenly developed an allergy then make it a priority to go together to get resized. He can’t honestly expect a ring that can’t be resized (?) to fit you is okay.

So, I look at the proposal as a final exam for the first stage of a relationship. If you've paid attention, asked questions and really processed the material you will pass with flying colors and it won't even feel that hard. If you're a lazy slacker you won't do well at all and you shouldn't be allowed to take Relationships 201: Engagement.

A proposal is a test of the proposer's knowledge of the proposee. You are the professor. You, and only you get to decide the right answers to the test. Not the proposer, not your family, not your friends, not randos on the internet. Nobody gets to judge you about what you want, even if they would hate it. This is about your future.

I don't care if you're apathetic to particular circumstances or if you're a controlling bridezilla to be. This is a test about compatibility. Can your future spouse recognize your needs and desires? Are they capable of doing so? Do they want to do so? Will they set your wants aside for you for ONE night?

As they are the one asking, you havepresumablymet their standards for a spouse.

Did they take you somewhere meaningful to you? (Not necessarily expensive. If it's meaningful for you to be asked on your family's porch swing, then that's where it should happen.)

Were you comfortable with the environment? (Some people want it to be private, some with family, some in public.)

Did you have the amount of input into the process that you wanted? (Did they surprise you? Did they catch your dropped hints? Did they baldly ask you?)

Did they make the right choice for your ring, or did they disregard your likes in favor of their desires? (Size? Price? Materials? Workmanship? Sentiment?)

Was their manner what you wanted? (Down on one knee "will you marry me?" Tossing you a ring box "wanna get hitched?")

If they failed to give you the proper answer on any of these questions: there is a problem in your relationship and you MUST diagnose it before accepting.

Why did they ask in the wrong place? Because they liked that location more than the one you wanted? (Very bad. They can't even put their wants aside for one night to butter you up.) Because they asked your best friend and she chose wrong? (Minor communication issue. Possibly overvalued the surprise aspect. This is fixable.)

Why did they ask you in private when you wanted something public, or the reverse? (Fairly big problem. This could be down to a lot of different factors, including a mismatch between introversion/extroversion. But it could also be manipulation to see if you'll accept something they know you don't want. If they're an introvert and you're not, will you be happy not being in the spotlight that they avoid? If you're the introvert, can you be with someone who drags you into situations you hate?)

Why didn't they listen when you flat up told them what you wanted? (Inattentive? Don't care about your desires? They don't know how to read your "obvious" hints? All bad things. At worst they don't actually care. At best communication needs work.)

Why did they get a ring you hate? (Too cheap to buy better/Refused to buy something cheaper/couldn't afford it? Very bad. You're dating someone with a different financial philosophy than you or a different bank account than you require. Aside from abuse this is actually the worst issue to have. Financial incompatibility will make your life hell. Break it off. They thought you would like it? Communication issues/unobservant. Work on them some more. The salesman told them it was fine/what's wrong with the material/craftsmanship? Uninvested in the process, uninterested in educating themselves on an important item that should last a lifetime. Not great signs in a life partner. What will they do when you have to buy a house or a car? They have remedial work ahead. )

Were they too formal/casual when they asked? (They don't have the same level of emotional investment in this that you do or they have different standards for behavior. Run away from the first immediately. For the standards? Can you live with their attitude towards life being so different from yours?)

You can diagnose a lot of problems in a relationship from a bad proposal.

The fact that this guy picked a shoddy ring of cheap materials and then lied about it? AND failed to get it resized? Instant failure of the remedial course. Buh-bye. You're no longer a candidate for grad school.

I agree with this. He's been ungenerous and not particularly honest and is trying to turn that around on you. There's a lot of space between an ostentatious ring that he can't afford and a cheap piece of costume jewellery.

As PP says, do this in a calm and polite manner, but let him know you won't be accepting such a low quality ring as a symbol of his feelings towards you. First ask him to explain why he chose that particular ring though, and why he didn't look into resizing when he said he would.

Penny to a pound, he will come up with some rubbish about planning to take you shopping or to design your own to maintain the moral high ground but it's not true. He would have said. He didn't attempt to get it resized as that would have cost more than the ring. Are you sure he intends upon getting married?

He's not sounding very nice either way.

@PennyParke I actually agree with that and you said it better than I could!

A proposal (and that even includes whether to sit tight and let HER propose or whether to have a casual "lets get hitched in the summer" mutual chat) is basically a test of compatibility.

My husband also said the same, seems like the man is not ready to propose but just do it for chores, may be the cheap ring is for the woman has an excuse to break up....I dont want you to leave but your choice, he may buy a $5000 diamond ring one day to a woman when he wanted to, and you may not have the patience to wait for a better ring forever, he seems telling you by the cheap ring .."you are not the one I really want to marry...but I dont mind you still stay with me"