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Original poster

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 01/01/2023 23:25

My wife would have killed me if hers cost more than a few hundred pounds.. and for people to spend thousands (as with a wedding) on something like this is obviously your choice, but in my opinion, crazy.

This isn’t really the same situation though is it? How would your wife feel if you had spend less than the price of a curry on it, it didn’t fit (and couldn’t be resized because it’s a cheap silver-plated costume ring), and you told her she was “ungrateful” for wanting a ring that fit her and would last longer than next Christmas?

OP isn’t asking for thousands, she is asking for him to spend more than a tenner, when he apparently has thousands to spend on himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 23:25

She doesn’t have a ring at all @C1N1C and hasn’t for months because he couldn’t be bothered getting her finger size right, said he’d get it resized knowing it was impossible, hasn’t said anything since and has no snapped at her.

If it’s a symbol it’s not a good one right now is it.

Lndnmummy · 01/01/2023 23:25

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:23

yes a symbol. a symbol that a woman has to wear and look at on her finger forever..to see someone spend more on a pair of jeans or a shirt than something that symbolizes your entire life together is different. he has watches hes bought for himself that cost more than the symbol of our unity. Its not about cost.. buy me a used second hand gold ring and id be happy... it would last a lifetime.. a sterling silver cubic zirconia ring wont

Exactly. I hear you

Original poster
newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:27

@Lndnmummy ur husband sounds like a keeper. its not about money its about effort

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 01/01/2023 23:28

If you ask me, he did a sensible thing, and to penalise him for not spending a sh!t-load on something so trivial is unfair. The fact that you 'needed' to look at the price says that maybe you value the financial security rather than the love of the man himself. It should be the fact that he asked that means more to you, rather than the amount spent (which, sadly most people equate with how much they love you), that matters.

The cheapskate's Dad has arrived. 😂

He wasn't at all sensible!! Silver isn't advised for engagement (or wedding) rings because it's a soft metal and will wear quickly and easily bend out of shape. Being so soft also means that if the ring is knocked, the stone setting will easily bend and the stone can fall out. Although that will be no great loss as its only CZ.

If their marriage lasts as long as the ring he's bought her, they've got about 6 months, possibly less.

crispsandnuts · 01/01/2023 23:28

It's the lack of effort, same as some gifts people received for Christmas which highlight how little your partner knows you.
The fact he showed no effort to get it re-sized says a lot. He should be proud if you and your ring and want to show you/it off.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/01/2023 23:29

Was the engagement a surprise, did he actually want to be engaged / married or did you badger him into it / give him an ultimatum? The cheap ring and his response when you brought it up suggests somebody who isn’t particularly fussed and finds the whole thing a bit of a chore rather than a gesture and commitment they really want to make.

londonmummy1966 · 01/01/2023 23:31

Are you friendly with his friends? tell them that your DP got you a cubic zirconia silvet ring as a "promise ring" but still hasn't set a date for going out to buy the real thing and you are starting to think that he thinks the cheap standin is good enough for the real thing. Tell him that after 2 months its time the "promise ring" became a proper engagement ring before all his mates wonder why you are still wearing a ring that cost less than a pizza. Point out that it is massively embarassing that everyone thins he's a real cheapskate for not having done so as the cheapness of the ring he has given you is so obvious to anyone that is not a total idiot.

Indacathouse · 01/01/2023 23:33

No one serious would present a CZ ring that will fall apart in months
it’s shit
hes shit

Panpastels · 01/01/2023 23:33

I'm not a jewellery person and I wear a plain wedding band only. Joint decision. But I agree, this is not a good sign and I am wondering what other red flags there may be? Is he generally quite stingy?

MichaelFabricantWig · 01/01/2023 23:34

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 01/01/2023 22:24

If it was all he could afford it wouldn't bother me

But if he can afford more, and spends more on himself normally, then I would be worried it was part of a pattern of behaviour where he thinks he deserves more financially than you.

If you want children especially this would be concerning

If its more of a one off and he's just a bit rubbish at choosing jewllery and he's open to a conversation about it then fair enough

I'm totally not a money orientated person so an expensive ring isn't a priority to me, but an equal relationship where both people are treated financially fairly is

This exactly

a cheap ring isn’t the issue
being tight would be

Snowite · 01/01/2023 23:34

Hi OP, this guy is a gaslighting tightarse and the only thing you need feel grateful to him for is that he's shown his true colours before getting hitched. You're worth more effort than this...

Sunshinegirl82 · 01/01/2023 23:50

Based only on what you've said here, none of this sounds great.

He's bought the cheapest ring he can find (despite having the money to spend more and regularly spending more on items for himself), it doesn't fit and he is completely unbothered about getting that rectified, when you raised it with him he has shut you down with comments designed to make you feel bad for bringing it up.

All of these would be big red flags for me. What is the rest of the relationship like? Do you have DC? Are you reliant on him financially? Have you been together a long time? Are you actively planning a wedding? Does he often shut you down when you try to raise things (or have you stopped raising things because you know he will?)

I'd be pretty concerned that the ring stuff is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest and a demonstration of his wider attitude to you and your relationship.

Bestcatmum · 01/01/2023 23:52

I wouldn't be marrying any man who was that cheap and had no respect for me.

Bertha21 · 01/01/2023 23:55

Have you found out how much it cost? Could you pay towards upgrading if you feel that strongly? My ring wasn’t as I would have chosen. But I chose a wedding ring that was.

Trez1510 · 01/01/2023 23:57

In the movies the cz ring would be a rouse to ensure the real ring, specially designed/commissioned, big and sparkly as you like, is the correct size.

Meanwhile, in the real world, OP you need to review how the engagement came about .... was it surprise? a mutual decision? something to which he reluctantly agreed after an ultimatum?

Basically, what makes this relationship worth pursuing? Anything? Everything? Nothing?

This ring is your 'get out' clause, if you want one.

NibbledSwitch · 02/01/2023 00:01

It's the thought that counts Grin

Maybe suggest you'll be getting a 7k wedding dress as he's scrimped on the engagement ring 💍

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 00:02

LaLuz7 · 01/01/2023 23:23

@C1N1C so you think it's perfectly sensible to pick a ring that costs the equivalent of a pizza?

No one is saying that you need the diamond or to spent 3 month's wages, but there needs to be some balance to acknowledge that the ring is a symbol of commitment and appreciation.

A £20 ring when you are not broke is simply an insult (unless specifically agreed upon).

Yes. The ring is a stupid symbol. It is a symbol of a commitment to a commitment. The marriage is the real proof of love/commitment, and even that is a show... the true proof is TIME!

My wife and I are not poor, but we are sensible with money. This wedding fad is absolutely ridiculous. I understand people build up to it and love a big song and dance made, but this is absolutely 100% peer pressure.

What is to stop ANYONE simply driving up to Gretna Green?! We did! No fancy rings, no extravagant wedding, no costly dresses or cake... guess what, we're happy! The whole event plus rings, dress, fuel, food, hotel probably cost us no more than £1000.

MN has numerous threads about whether people thought their wedding was worth it... typically it's about 75-80% saying they weren't happy and it was all catering to the relatives... so you've got an average of £20,000 on weddings, plus £5,000 on rings etc... so ten REALLY GOOD HOLIDAYS, or 10% of a typical house value in London...

So yes, I absolutely think (and my wife is looking over my shoulder agreeing as i write this), that this is just a ridiculous expectation egged on by the greed of individuals for vanity's (or showing off to friends and family's) sake; and large companies (De Beers, wedding venues, cake makers etc)... comparable to how Hallmark egg on/associate Valentines day with card expectations.

Marriage is marriage. How about just marrying for love? If it's not there before you marry, then £25,000 isn't going to help. If it IS there, then why spend £25,000 showing it off?

So I stand by what I said. If the love is there, elope. That's all you need. Anything else is gold-digging or ostentatious vanity. He asked. Take it for what it is... imagine if a guy judged a girl by how much she spent on the dress for a date???

"Yeah Pete, well I really like her but after our date I looked up her dress and found out she bought it from Primark. That doesn't bode well for our relationship. I like a girl that gives me quality, and if she isn't buying Chanel when I know she spent £10,000 on a car for herself, clearly shows she values her own happiness over mine".

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 00:08

"Yeah Pete, well I really like her but after our date I looked up her dress and found out she bought it from Primark. That doesn't bode well for our relationship. I like a girl that gives me quality, and if she isn't buying Chanel when I know she spent £10,000 on a car for herself, clearly shows she values her own happiness over mine".

If she was supposed to wear the same dress for 40 years you'd hope it was better quality than Primark.

And my friend has a thin, cheap ring which she adores. It was bought with love, care and thought, and fitted her. The OP has a poorly fitted bit of tat, when he buys nice watches for himself. Not the same as preagreed budgeted frugality.

Original poster
newbie224 · 02/01/2023 00:08

@LaLuz7 if it cost u 1000 u spent money on something.. i haven't asked for any huge wedding i suggested marrying alone or abroad.. i haven't asked or demanded any huge wedding. whoop de fucking doo for u and your wife but we are not all the same. and i am not materialistic to want an engagement ring that will last my lifetime..

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 02/01/2023 00:11

I wouldn’t be marrying this tight sod. Meanness is so off putting.

Original poster
newbie224 · 02/01/2023 00:12

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you for your understanding. i am not some money hungry gold digger.. ive spent enough time and money into this relationship to have some expectations.. all i asked for was a metal that wud last the test of time.. no diamonds necessary.. a 30 pound ring is not gonna stand the test of time

OP posts:
NibbledSwitch · 02/01/2023 00:14

What about excepting the ring as the offer of marriage, but not wearing it.

Or ask when are you both going shopping for the real one??

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 00:21

10% of a typical house value in London...

Off topic but I looked it up after curiosity as this seemed massively out of date and the median house price in London is now £718k and average house price in London is now £510k Shock

No wonder so many of us earn a decent amount but can't get on the ladder without generational wealth!

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/01/2023 00:46

@C1N1C that's all great because you and your wife are clearly very much on the same page. You've discussed this and have agreed an approach you're both happy with.

That is clearly not the case here. If your wife hadn't wanted to go to Gretna green to get married would you have shut her down and told her she was money obsessed? Or discussed it to see if there was a compromise position taking into account both of your views?

The actual cost of the ring is an irrelevance, it's what it says about the relationship as a whole. Based on what the OP has shared it doesn't sound like a respectful, balanced partnership.