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Relationships

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Original poster

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:

Tashface · 02/01/2023 16:56

It sounds like the ring might easily become damaged from everyday wear anyway, if it's as cheap and low quality as you are saying.

If you're truly not happy with it - isn't there something that you could do to, er, help it along to its demise more quickly?!

I don't really have an opinion on engagement rings (each to their own and all that). But it does sound like this isn't going to stop bugging you, so you are going to have to get resolved in one way or another.

layladomino · 02/01/2023 17:41

First of all the deception... he's made comments to suggest it's valuable and you know it isn't.

Then there's the fact that 2 months after the event he hasn't done anything about getting it resized.

And the fact that, despite being able to afford something more, he doesn't consider it an important enough purchase to buy something more suitable. If he had to wear something every day for the rest of his life, what would he expect to spend on it?

As pp have said, if he couldn't afford any more then it would be understandable (but even then he should be honest about it, not pretend he's spent loads when he hasn't). But to be in a position to spend loads on himself, to think he's worth treating with expensive stuff but your engagement ring doesn't warrant it, bodes badly.

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 18:09

@londonmummy1966
Firstly, again, well done with the sexist comments. I'm glad to see pulling the "he's a man, therefore he's ignorant" card is still considered a viable debating tactic.

Secondly, both genders do better in single-sex environments, so it is not girls benefiting from no distractions, but boys too.

Thirdly, I think you'll find that many of the above posts were simply "he's cheap, red flag", which I would hardly class as a nuanced debate.

The sexism is strong here "some men can't help themselves"... I'm afraid you'll have to bring more to the table than "women got this, men not welcome"... Imagine a man saying that... "we were having a debate and then a woman showed up with her gossip and her cleaning ideas".
And some women did agree. At least I know where I stand with you that male views aren't valid on the grounds that they're from a male. Kudos.

Ineedtosleep79 · 02/01/2023 18:20

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 18:09

@londonmummy1966
Firstly, again, well done with the sexist comments. I'm glad to see pulling the "he's a man, therefore he's ignorant" card is still considered a viable debating tactic.

Secondly, both genders do better in single-sex environments, so it is not girls benefiting from no distractions, but boys too.

Thirdly, I think you'll find that many of the above posts were simply "he's cheap, red flag", which I would hardly class as a nuanced debate.

@londonmummy1966 hasn't got to bring anything to the table, this is a mumsnet thread! Who do you think you are?! You're starting to grate on me and I'm not the only one by the sounds of it...

LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 18:31

@C1N1C don't you have a wife to disappoint in real life? Will you spare us the mansplaining and move along? Please and thank you 😊

londonmummy1966 · 02/01/2023 18:37

@C1N1C - if you were a woman you'd understand the point about red flags that various PPs have so eloquently made. The fact that you still come on here and shout because the women aren't bowled over by your irrelevant anecdote is I'm afraid all to do with your ego and nothing to do with how we choose to debate how women feel.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 18:45

Thirdly, I think you'll find that many of the above posts were simply "he's cheap, red flag", which I would hardly class as a nuanced debate.

@C1N1C
The majority of the posts were along the lines of 'be careful, if he spends a lot more money on himself than you that might not bode well for the future of the relationship aka women giving a woman the benefit of their experience.

I'm sorry warning a woman she might become the victim of abuse isn't a nuanced debate for you, but we are talking about a woman's life here not an academic debate

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 18:46

Imagine a man saying that... "we were having a debate and then a woman showed up with her gossip and her cleaning ideas".

Men talking over woman, happens all the times, there's even research studies done on it.

Women talking over men about their "cleaning ideas" oh yeah, that happens so so so often....🙄

mushroompickle · 02/01/2023 19:00

I wouldn't marry him given he's said you're ungrateful just because you had different perception of what a nice ring would be, especially as his version isn't exactly a common desire.

Nothing to do with money it about expectations and them being part of a partnership. Plenty of men don't mind getting their OH an engagement ring that both meets the oh expectations and fits within a reasonable budget for themselves. If that doesn't happen imo they haven't taken the considerations of the potential spouse into consideration and it's not a good start to becoming married.

Not everyone cares about having a nicer ring but some people do and they deserve to have their feelings considered as valid by the person who genuinely wants to spend the rest of their life with them.

user12345678912334 · 02/01/2023 20:04

If having a cheap ring or other piece of jewellery is ok, get him to take his expensive watch back and get one from Argos. He can then use the refund to get you a decent ring (if you still want to marry him)!
OP, for me it's not the actual ring but the fact that he's deceived you about it in terms of it being worth a lot more than it was. Is he embarrassed that he's been caught out?
Is he mean in other ways prior to this?
@C1N1C I've noticed you putting your twopennorth's worth on another thread. Ok to have a different viewpoint but please bear in mind that yours isn't necessarily the correct one all the time (or at all).

user12345678912334 · 02/01/2023 20:06

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain
I really admire your thoughts here.
Brava!

Rainbowqueeen · 02/01/2023 20:06

@C1N1C you talk about not spending lots because it might get lost or stolen. That can apply to virtually any item.

The context here is that this is a gift. And it is a gift that doesn’t fit and which the giver shows no interest in resolving and which he has lied about by indicating it was expensive when it’s not. The comments about it being a red flag are because it shows this man’s mindset.

OP I would not marry this man. He is giving every indication that he will financially abuse you. At least have a detailed discussion about your plans once married, including how he sees finances being split, costs during maternity leave and child care costs.

ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 20:45

I've never understood the 'be grateful' thing when it's applied to some cheap piece of tat that took no thought or effort. What precisely is the OP supposed to be grateful for? That some tightwad loser wants to marry her and potentially make her life a misery?

billy1966 · 02/01/2023 21:53

ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 20:45

Absolutely this.

He's cheap and dishonest.

Happy to spend on himself but cheap tat for the woman he wants to marry.

You have been warned.

Red flag.

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is and what he thinks of you.

To think he can imply you are grabby for not being impressed.

Do yourself a huge favour OP and return his cheap tat.

This guy doesn't love you.

EKGEMS · 02/01/2023 22:40

@C1N1C i really love a bargain and blatant consumerism is tacky,imo,but I also think it makes sense to buy good quality items that will last for a long time vs buying cheaply made items that will have to be replaced or repaired quickly after purchase-anywho,what you or I value is just that,an opinion,a value which we are ALL entitled to-if a person wants a better ring than what you can find in a crackerjack box,a gum ball machine or an arcade claw grab chance then good for them! I would be furious if my then husband presented a ring like described by the OP. You have made your point passionately and repeatedly at some point passion becomes sanctimony and browbeating

Bananaboat23 · 03/01/2023 17:24

About a year go my then partner of four years presented me with an engagement ring (when I say presented he just put it on my finger without a proposal and assumed we were engaged). There was some talk of wanting more commitment previously on my behalf and it later transpired he was doing it to keep me quiet. The ring, although pretty, was a little too big and looked silverish although he assured me it was gold although with fake diamonds. I tried to Google the hallmark but it was not known.
He wouldn’t let me get it resized then admitted it was from eBay at less than £100. I’m sure it was gold plated and it made my finger go very black unfortunately. So I rarely wore it. It ate me up knowing that he had taken his ex wife to choose hers over 30 years ago and hers cost over £200 at the time, being both genuine gold and díamond.
Our relationship came to an end not long after.

bluebell34567 · 04/01/2023 11:42

i wonder how the op has decided after all the discussions here.

Tinker95 · 12/01/2023 16:32

Buy yourself an engagement ring you'll like since you can't talk to him about it. When he finally asks you why you're not wearing his ring, tell him you like this one better.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 12/01/2023 18:28

My advice is to return the ring to him and end the relationship. He doesn’t value you enough to communicate properly with you, he lied to you, he’s selfish and unkind. This is who he really is and he isn’t going to be a good husband.

@newbie224, you deserve so much better than this man.

Astaphorial · 12/01/2023 18:36

He sounds like a total prick. Rather than listen to your valid concern he makes you out to be a gold digger!

Ffs op, defo raise your bar. Run!
He doesn't even like you let alone love you.

You deserve a happy, healthy relationship. Not a gaslighting tight ass.

Rawandreal74 · 12/01/2023 19:02

I’d be more worried about the fact that he doesn’t seem bothered about making it right size for you …….shows complete lack on care and interest
If he’s like this now then it’s only going to get worse I’m afraid and the resentment will grow over the years
I’ve been married over 20 years and 1 thing I regret is not expressing how I feel more in the beginning.
I would be honest with him and say whilst you’re not materialistic you are disappointed it’s not a real diamond. if he doesn’t react appropriately then that’s really showing you the kind of man he is and how much he thinks of you.
Blimey I know women who have instructed their fiancées how big the diamond needs to be / the cost !! You are not being unreasonable for asking for a diamond within his clearly decent budget
good luck 🍀

Tealadytoday · 12/01/2023 20:01

Don't marry him.
You are too materialistic, and should look for someone who meets your requirements.
He deserves better.

Tron80 · 12/01/2023 21:01

"Don't marry him.
You are too materialistic, and should look for someone who meets your requirements.
He deserves better".

This ⬆️

barmycatmum · 13/01/2023 07:37

Avoiding the pages and pages of absolute garbage written by a name beginning with C (I can’t be arsed to look up), speaking all about HIMSELF, (God I feel sorry for his poor wife. How embarrassing)

this man isn’t a keeper. Period. Throw him out.

he’s not going to all of a sudden magically turn thoughtful and kind one day. The lack of effort, the lack of awareness of even asking you your size …

insulting.

there are far better men out there, who won’t treat you like you don’t matter. While it is true, we have absolutely zero evidence of good, caring, thoughtful men on this thread. I believe they do exist, and maybe they’re just not blaring their know-it-all, crass, pushy, self-absorbed, belittling, tiny ineffectual little opinions trying to bulldoze women on a thread that IS NOT ABOUT THEM.

barmycatmum · 13/01/2023 07:38

Cannot believe people are giving this dude the time of day. Why respond to the icky little troll?

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