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Original poster

engagement ring expectations..

233 replies

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 22:08

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

OP posts:
W0tnow · 02/01/2023 08:05

Buying a cheap arse ring is fine if you’re both skint. If he spends lavishly on himself and buys you what is essentially a fake diamond, then I’m positive this is not the only time he has displayed tightness. It will only get worse. It’s not about the ring!

RedHelenB · 02/01/2023 08:18

Summer2424 · 01/01/2023 23:02

Hi @newbie224 congratulations on your engagement 💍
in all the engagements i've known including my ring the budget is about £2000.

It really isn't. But £20 is probably cheaper than you'd spend on even a birthday present ring from Pandora or somewhere

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 08:27

RedHelenB · 02/01/2023 08:18

It really isn't. But £20 is probably cheaper than you'd spend on even a birthday present ring from Pandora or somewhere

Show quote history

Yes that's the thing. £20 when he's spending flashy money on himself is so out of order. He doesn't value OP at all.

If he was broke and £20 was a lot to him then that's a different story.

WorldCuppa · 02/01/2023 08:28

What sort of ring did you buy him?

Rainbowqueeen · 02/01/2023 08:31

Your feelings are totally valid. He is not coming across well here at all. Do you look at him differently now?? Think about what that means

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 08:42

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Why does it always double up the first letter when I send an '@' symbol followed by a username... is that meant to be there??

Sorry, back to your comment. I do agree with you, BUT, when should we start treating MN occurrences as statistics? You're right that typically these are potential red flags, but are we treating the dregs highlighted on MN as the standard?

A man that spends £100 on a ring to some would be cheap, but there is a cost of living crisis, I'd call him sensible! On MN we see some really scummy guys (and girls!), but is this the real situation or is this the bullets in the plane paradox? -I.e. we see the scum because its only the scum that are moaned about... is that scum representative of the male population?

If a girlfriend said to me she wanted to spend £20,000 on a wedding, I'd question her motives, because I too have been burnt! I had a girlfriend that would spend a fortune (she earned £12k/year... foreign) on things to raise her perceived standing among friends and family... £1,000 on an iPhone... and wanted to spend tens of thousands on that one day! For what? What use is your neighbour thinking you're rich on one day if the rest of the year you're freezing in a blanket with the heat off?

Are we really saying here that this is a TACTIC by women to gauge their potential partner? Spent more than £2,000 on a ring, check! Yes, on MN the £100 scenario (what I actually spent on my wife's engagement ring!) would be a red flag, but is that metric fair? Is it representative of the 1% on MN, or the 99% of the good guys that don't get red flagged?

savethatkitty · 02/01/2023 09:00

He has shown you who he is.

CosyScentedCandles · 02/01/2023 09:01

Wasn’t expecting to agree with you on the basis that my own engagement ring is only worth about £6-700 but is still beautiful and proportionate to appropriate expenditure for us. However a sterling silver CZ ring could be port in Claire’s accessories and probably cost between £15 - £25 and is frankly a bit of an insult if you are sure it is not a “placeholder” ring for you to then go shopping together and choose a real one.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 02/01/2023 09:08

@C1N1C it isnt about the cost. The ring doesnt fit, wont last and he wont alter it. The material is cheap and is was deceptive over that. He has turned his behaviour onto her.

what is the material of your wife's engagement ring and does she wear it every day? What is the material of your wedding ring? And do you wear it every day?

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 09:19

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 02/01/2023 09:08

@C1N1C it isnt about the cost. The ring doesnt fit, wont last and he wont alter it. The material is cheap and is was deceptive over that. He has turned his behaviour onto her.

what is the material of your wife's engagement ring and does she wear it every day? What is the material of your wedding ring? And do you wear it every day?

I understand what you're trying to get at, but it is still a symbol of a commitment of a commitment. Realistically, do you even need a ring? "Hi, I found this sea shell, I want to marry you", nuff' said! "I signed this bit of paper, we're now married without rings at all"... I stayed with you for 20 years... How is ANY of the above any different than big flashy weddings with rings? The love has been proven, the commitment has been proven, and now you're £25,000 better off and life is easier.

And to answer your question, rough diamond and silver for wife's ring. Simple palladium band for mine. Both wear it every day... in fact I lost mine some time ago (too big, slipped off!), which is another reason why it's crazy... the number if rings I heat go missing (cleaning, garbage disposal, swimming...)...

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 09:23

WorldCuppa · 02/01/2023 08:28

What sort of ring did you buy him?

This.

We're in an equal society, MN is always saying that women should be equal and self-supportive. Why should he have to demonstrate his financial security and buy your love? Surely independent, strong women should be buying their men rings and proposing too? Maybe even resizing their own ring! Seems very dependent to me ;)

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 02/01/2023 09:28

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 09:19

I understand what you're trying to get at, but it is still a symbol of a commitment of a commitment. Realistically, do you even need a ring? "Hi, I found this sea shell, I want to marry you", nuff' said! "I signed this bit of paper, we're now married without rings at all"... I stayed with you for 20 years... How is ANY of the above any different than big flashy weddings with rings? The love has been proven, the commitment has been proven, and now you're £25,000 better off and life is easier.

And to answer your question, rough diamond and silver for wife's ring. Simple palladium band for mine. Both wear it every day... in fact I lost mine some time ago (too big, slipped off!), which is another reason why it's crazy... the number if rings I heat go missing (cleaning, garbage disposal, swimming...)...

Show quote history

Palladium is hard wearing. And would have cost significantly more than op’s ring.

i also do not believe your wife’s ring is silver and has a diamond in it. It might be silver in colour. Are you sure it isnt white gold? And your wife chose a silver wedding ring?! No. No she didnt. And if that ring didnt fit her would you have told her tough it wasn't meant to b worn?! Really?

basically, while what you paid for your rings when you got them might not sound like a lot today, but they would both now be significantly more expensive and be more hard wearing than the ops non-fitting ring.

LaLuz7 · 02/01/2023 09:33

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 09:23

This.

We're in an equal society, MN is always saying that women should be equal and self-supportive. Why should he have to demonstrate his financial security and buy your love? Surely independent, strong women should be buying their men rings and proposing too? Maybe even resizing their own ring! Seems very dependent to me ;)

Show quote history

Awwww! Ain't it cute when the boys band together in their gaslighting antics? ❤

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 09:35

so ive spoken to him, hes gotten very defensive..im apparently ungrateful,

i agree with him that you sound ungrateful but he does sound like a bit of an arse. buy your own? go halves? explain what it is you want? what did you get him as an engagement present?

I've been married for 40 years. I don't have an engagement ring, but i do wear a cheapo emerald & CZ ring sometimes when i want to dress up (i got it because i have some earrings and a necklace in a similar style).

The thing is, relationships work better if you talk to each other. So sulking about this without having a grown-up conversation about why and so on, is not a good start to a long-term relationship. You both need to be on the same page about expectations. Or your next AIBU is going to be about you wanting to spend the price of a house on a destination wedding with a dress that costs as much as an audi.

Incidentally: he earns his own money and spends it on himself? What about you? do you spend your money on you? so many questions here.

You don't really sound compatible, though. I do agree the ring sounds horrible though.

Brefugee · 02/01/2023 09:36

Awwww! Ain't it cute when the boys band together in their gaslighting antics?

meh. I said similar and I'm not a "boy". I agree. We wanted equality, we don't get to pick and choose which patriarchal institutions are fine sometimes (ie. when we want bling or not to go out to work)

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 09:52

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn
My wife told me not to spend more than a few hundred on an engagement ring and actually bought her wedding ring on Etsy. Combined no more than £500, and they are both unique. But yes, the engagement ring is a rough diamond (not even cut) in silver.

Lndnmummy · 02/01/2023 09:53

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 08:42

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Why does it always double up the first letter when I send an '@' symbol followed by a username... is that meant to be there??

Sorry, back to your comment. I do agree with you, BUT, when should we start treating MN occurrences as statistics? You're right that typically these are potential red flags, but are we treating the dregs highlighted on MN as the standard?

A man that spends £100 on a ring to some would be cheap, but there is a cost of living crisis, I'd call him sensible! On MN we see some really scummy guys (and girls!), but is this the real situation or is this the bullets in the plane paradox? -I.e. we see the scum because its only the scum that are moaned about... is that scum representative of the male population?

If a girlfriend said to me she wanted to spend £20,000 on a wedding, I'd question her motives, because I too have been burnt! I had a girlfriend that would spend a fortune (she earned £12k/year... foreign) on things to raise her perceived standing among friends and family... £1,000 on an iPhone... and wanted to spend tens of thousands on that one day! For what? What use is your neighbour thinking you're rich on one day if the rest of the year you're freezing in a blanket with the heat off?

Are we really saying here that this is a TACTIC by women to gauge their potential partner? Spent more than £2,000 on a ring, check! Yes, on MN the £100 scenario (what I actually spent on my wife's engagement ring!) would be a red flag, but is that metric fair? Is it representative of the 1% on MN, or the 99% of the good guys that don't get red flagged?

Completely off topic but @C1N1C what are you trying to say about your 'foreign' comment? Seems your ex had a lucky escape there...

ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 09:58

Buying the OP a cheap ring, while spending lots of money on himself is not a sign of love and commitment. All he's committed to is the £20 he spent on Amazon!
Its absolutely not the same as those couples who decided together not to buy rings because neither wants one, or couples who spent £100 in 1986 and got something long lasting and nice!

The fact is, the OP has been shown no thought or care. She doesn't need s new ring, she needs a new fiancé.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 10:04

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 08:42

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Why does it always double up the first letter when I send an '@' symbol followed by a username... is that meant to be there??

Sorry, back to your comment. I do agree with you, BUT, when should we start treating MN occurrences as statistics? You're right that typically these are potential red flags, but are we treating the dregs highlighted on MN as the standard?

A man that spends £100 on a ring to some would be cheap, but there is a cost of living crisis, I'd call him sensible! On MN we see some really scummy guys (and girls!), but is this the real situation or is this the bullets in the plane paradox? -I.e. we see the scum because its only the scum that are moaned about... is that scum representative of the male population?

If a girlfriend said to me she wanted to spend £20,000 on a wedding, I'd question her motives, because I too have been burnt! I had a girlfriend that would spend a fortune (she earned £12k/year... foreign) on things to raise her perceived standing among friends and family... £1,000 on an iPhone... and wanted to spend tens of thousands on that one day! For what? What use is your neighbour thinking you're rich on one day if the rest of the year you're freezing in a blanket with the heat off?

Are we really saying here that this is a TACTIC by women to gauge their potential partner? Spent more than £2,000 on a ring, check! Yes, on MN the £100 scenario (what I actually spent on my wife's engagement ring!) would be a red flag, but is that metric fair? Is it representative of the 1% on MN, or the 99% of the good guys that don't get red flagged?

It's cute you think 99% of men are good guys. But the FCA estimates that 1 in 5 women will experience a financially abusive partner so actually the figure is likely to be a bit higher than 1% of men.

You actually missed my entire point. Which is that this isn't about a wedding ring or a wedding it's about attitude. The OPs partner likes to spend 1000s on himself and 10s on the OP.

Now spending 1000s on himself and 10s on the OP isn't really an issue at this stage. But fast forward to when they have children (if they want to) and all of a sudden its a very different picture.

And whilst there is a history of men dismissing women's collective wisdom, the reality is from our experiences some of us can see that this is a red flag. and we aren't going to stop warning the OP that because you chose a cheap engagement ring for your wife and are apparently a 'nice guy'

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 10:05

@LaLuz7
Yeah, when it works in your favour right? :) I can see why you'd mistake pointing out a male inequality as gaslighting... (seems hardly fair does it)

I think it's selfish to put your family through expensive weddings for one day of self-indulgence. Also, why should a man have to buy you an expensive engagement ring? Why is it up to him to support you? Why is it his gesture? Why is your one-off dress worthy of thousands when his (likely to be used many times) suit a fraction of that? Why do women cry equality for equal pay etc when weddings are so biased? (btw, absolutely support this!!!). Would you spend £5,000 on HIS ring?-seems fair if you expect the same!

Devil's advocate :)

PeppermintChoc · 02/01/2023 10:06

If you’re getting a ring for life he should view it as an investment and get the best he can afford. He hasn’t.

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 10:09

Buying a cheap ring that does not fit IF you are both completely skint, and have talked about it properly and agreed that that is all you can afford and you're both happy with that, because you both think it isn't important.

Passing off a cheap ring that does not fit and refusing to get it resized when you are happy to lavish yourself with expensive items, and getting defensive and accusatory when your fiancee tries to talk to you about it is not a great sign for someone you're about to enter into a legal contract with supposedly for the rest of your life.

There are loads of ways around this, you could go halves, resize that one and save up for a new one together (although it won't be possible to resize a silver and cz ring, it would cost more than the ring did in the first place), but none of them are going to apply here because the bloke is a tight arse and the ring isn't the problem, he is.

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 10:10

@Lndnmummy
Pointing out that some cultures use weddings as a way of showing off to their neighbours... and that many will put themselves into huge debt for that one day to give the impression they themselves are well off or that their daughter is marrying into financial security. Hardly seems sensible does it?

starfishmummy · 02/01/2023 10:11

newbie224 · 01/01/2023 23:04

i don't care about the look of the ring really. Its the quality.. an engagement ring to me is something to last a life time. its not necessarily the price of the ring more the materials used to make it.. sterling silver and cubic zirconia are not quality materials used to last a long time.. its a bad omen in my eyes, but in his im all about money

Sterling silver is very durable. Sure, its not gold but nonetheless will last a lifetime

whatwasthatt · 02/01/2023 10:12

Really sorry to read this, OP.
My lovely sister is recently engaged. It's a sterling silver ring with CZ stones.. BUT she chose it herself whilst her and her partner were on holiday. Money is tight for other reasons and she is happy with it as a place marker ring for now until funds allow for a proper one.

She has recently had it re-sized. It cost 3X the price of the ring, and has also left strange marks / burns in the metal. The jeweller wasn't keen on doing it, but did as she was certain she wanted it done. It cost way too much to do compared to the cost of the ring itself.