Page 6 | engagement ring expectations..

newbie224 · 2023-01-01T22:08:12+00:00

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

Godlovesall26 · 02/01/2023 10:20

My dad is extremely tight on money, so my mum’s wedding engagement ring was rather on the low side (still gold at least, but no stone).
The difference being he’s the same with himself.
Upgrading is extremely common anyway, but it’s the fact that he’s happy to spend tons on himself that stands out here.

The only thing I wonder is if the stone is big, and he wondered if he could pass it off to his friends as a diamond, social status wise. If he was really clueless, you also. None of this attitude is great either.

My dad remained consistently tight, but fair, and my mum ended up buying her own jewelry with her discretionary money (which he whined was a waste, but wasn’t overly bothered either, he wasn’t controlling)

ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 10:41

@C1N1C the cost of weddings is crazy, particularly for one day. But an engagement ring is supposed to be something you wear for a lifetime - of all the things to spend money on for a wedding, the rings seem the most sensible.
The problem is that this man thinks it's okay to spend on himself but not on his fiancée and they are supposed to be forming a unit who will have each other's back for the rest of their lives. So far, he's deceived her and not bothered about her feelings at all.
I have a lovely eternity ring and it brings me joy every time I look at it - is that not money well spent?
Whether you think they are worth having or not, engagement rings are important in our culture. The symbolism means something - how can it signify love or commitment when no thought or effort has been put into it?

W0tnow · 02/01/2023 10:47

WorldCuppa · 02/01/2023 08:28

What sort of ring did you buy him?

What leads you to think she bought him an engagement ring?

Snowite · 02/01/2023 10:49

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

It's cute you think 99% of men are good guys. But the FCA estimates that 1 in 5 women will experience a financially abusive partner so actually the figure is likely to be a bit higher than 1% of men.

THIS...but at least we can always "bank" on one noisy bloke sharing his fact-free opinions that women are gold diggers on a thread like this 🙄😉

category12 · 02/01/2023 10:50

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 08:42

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Why does it always double up the first letter when I send an '@' symbol followed by a username... is that meant to be there??

Sorry, back to your comment. I do agree with you, BUT, when should we start treating MN occurrences as statistics? You're right that typically these are potential red flags, but are we treating the dregs highlighted on MN as the standard?

A man that spends £100 on a ring to some would be cheap, but there is a cost of living crisis, I'd call him sensible! On MN we see some really scummy guys (and girls!), but is this the real situation or is this the bullets in the plane paradox? -I.e. we see the scum because its only the scum that are moaned about... is that scum representative of the male population?

If a girlfriend said to me she wanted to spend £20,000 on a wedding, I'd question her motives, because I too have been burnt! I had a girlfriend that would spend a fortune (she earned £12k/year... foreign) on things to raise her perceived standing among friends and family... £1,000 on an iPhone... and wanted to spend tens of thousands on that one day! For what? What use is your neighbour thinking you're rich on one day if the rest of the year you're freezing in a blanket with the heat off?

Are we really saying here that this is a TACTIC by women to gauge their potential partner? Spent more than £2,000 on a ring, check! Yes, on MN the £100 scenario (what I actually spent on my wife's engagement ring!) would be a red flag, but is that metric fair? Is it representative of the 1% on MN, or the 99% of the good guys that don't get red flagged?

No, spending £100 on a ring, knowing your wife to be doesn't want a lot spent and knowing her tastes (and presumably getting the right size or getting it resized promptly if it wasn't), would not be a red flag at all. And I'd be one of the first to tell OP not to be a princess over it if that had happened😁

But spending £20 on something not to her taste and wrong size, and not bothering to get it resized in the 2 months since, makes it low effort and thoughtless, and like he doesn't give a shit. Especially when he's not skint and they haven't had that chat about expectations.

So you're comparing two completely different scenarios - one where you gave a shit, and one where he appears not to.

Amazongirl9 · 02/01/2023 10:53

He's a cheapskate and deceptive to boot. Yes an engagement ring is just a symbol, and this is what that symbol is saying. He's been caught out and instead of being embarrassed he's turned nasty on the OP. Is this an outlier for a normally kind, considerate, and generous partner OP? Or typical of his behaviour and just another example of how he prioritises himself. Your tone suggests the latter. Listen to what he is telling you with this symbol. This is totally different from a couple who have talked and agreed that such symbols are unimportant to them both, so they either don't bother, or choose something that reflects their views.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 02/01/2023 11:11

If it’s costume jewellery then it can’t be resized, so maybe suggest shopping for another together? At the moment you don’t have a ring that you can wear

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:12

@ImAvingOops
I get that, but surely a more sensible approach would be a token initially that is refreshed with milestones and/or financial security?.. like renewing vows. Many couples get married young and pretty much get plunged into debt and mortgages straight away... plus with the number of marriages that fail within the first few years, maybe a better approach would be a small gesture (e.g. wooden ring for the sake of argument), upgraded to silver after three years, upgraded to platinum after 7... that way the family isn't under undue financial stress initially, if the marriage fails, no harm done, and the wife (and for equality, husband too!!!) has something to look forward to.

I see an extravagance like this as buying love, cleverly masked by the ladies above as 'a demonstration of future generosity'... which a man shouldn't have to prove if the relationship is equal. It is an outdated concept.

kingtamponthefurred · 02/01/2023 11:17

Isn't it the custom nowadays for a couple to choose an engagement ring together (having agreed on a budget)?

W0tnow · 02/01/2023 11:17

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:12

@ImAvingOops
I get that, but surely a more sensible approach would be a token initially that is refreshed with milestones and/or financial security?.. like renewing vows. Many couples get married young and pretty much get plunged into debt and mortgages straight away... plus with the number of marriages that fail within the first few years, maybe a better approach would be a small gesture (e.g. wooden ring for the sake of argument), upgraded to silver after three years, upgraded to platinum after 7... that way the family isn't under undue financial stress initially, if the marriage fails, no harm done, and the wife (and for equality, husband too!!!) has something to look forward to.

I see an extravagance like this as buying love, cleverly masked by the ladies above as 'a demonstration of future generosity'... which a man shouldn't have to prove if the relationship is equal. It is an outdated concept.

He didn’t suggest any of those things though did he? She’s just ungrateful.

category12 · 02/01/2023 11:18

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:12

@ImAvingOops
I get that, but surely a more sensible approach would be a token initially that is refreshed with milestones and/or financial security?.. like renewing vows. Many couples get married young and pretty much get plunged into debt and mortgages straight away... plus with the number of marriages that fail within the first few years, maybe a better approach would be a small gesture (e.g. wooden ring for the sake of argument), upgraded to silver after three years, upgraded to platinum after 7... that way the family isn't under undue financial stress initially, if the marriage fails, no harm done, and the wife (and for equality, husband too!!!) has something to look forward to.

I see an extravagance like this as buying love, cleverly masked by the ladies above as 'a demonstration of future generosity'... which a man shouldn't have to prove if the relationship is equal. It is an outdated concept.

It's an outdated concept that he's chosen to go with. No-one forced him to buy an engagement ring or to do the traditional thing.

I'd like to know why he bothered if he hasn't been arsed to get the ring resized in the following couple of months.

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:24

Snowite · 02/01/2023 10:49

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

It's cute you think 99% of men are good guys. But the FCA estimates that 1 in 5 women will experience a financially abusive partner so actually the figure is likely to be a bit higher than 1% of men.

THIS...but at least we can always "bank" on one noisy bloke sharing his fact-free opinions that women are gold diggers on a thread like this 🙄😉

We have the posts above to prove it. Why are you pushing for an expensive ring... or a ring at all? What have you done to earn it? Why do you get a ring of that value and not him? Why does he have to prove his financial security and not you? If women are indeed equal, why is this even an expectation? How can a male partner be financially abusive if the women is financially secure initially? My wife earns twice what I do because she EARNED IT. She worked/s HARD! If you put the work in (regardless of gender), it pays off and you secure that future... no need to rely on your partner! My wife did not push for ANY of the weddingy malarcy because, like Valentines Day, it is a societal pressure, nothing more.

Feel free to keep pressuring your man to spend money on you... sounds like a great, equal, fair relationship.

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:33

@category12
The real question is, would he have got a yes had he proposed without one?

One could argue it is her property now, why can't she resize it herself?

And those above suggesting it is deceptive, did he present it in the manner: "Here I present you an IF, D, round cut, 3.00 carat diamond ring set in 950 pure platinum in exchange for your hand in marriage"... or "here is a ring, accept it as a gesture that I actually want to spend my life with you".

category12 · 02/01/2023 11:36

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:24

We have the posts above to prove it. Why are you pushing for an expensive ring... or a ring at all? What have you done to earn it? Why do you get a ring of that value and not him? Why does he have to prove his financial security and not you? If women are indeed equal, why is this even an expectation? How can a male partner be financially abusive if the women is financially secure initially? My wife earns twice what I do because she EARNED IT. She worked/s HARD! If you put the work in (regardless of gender), it pays off and you secure that future... no need to rely on your partner! My wife did not push for ANY of the weddingy malarcy because, like Valentines Day, it is a societal pressure, nothing more.

Feel free to keep pressuring your man to spend money on you... sounds like a great, equal, fair relationship.

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The man is perfectly capable of saying he doesn't want to do the traditional thing, to agree to exchange rings or tokens instead - he doesn't have to do the conventional proposal & engagement if he doesn't want to.

It's a tradition developed in a patriarchal society, so you know blaming women is a bit rich. 😂

Snowite · 02/01/2023 11:38

Sorry mate, New Year resolution is not to waste energy on ranty blokes wilfully missing the point in their desperate attempts to belittle women online.

I didn't get an engagement ring and eloped. Joint decision, mutual respect. That's the point. Now go gaslight someone else 👍

category12 · 02/01/2023 11:38

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:33

@category12
The real question is, would he have got a yes had he proposed without one?

One could argue it is her property now, why can't she resize it herself?

And those above suggesting it is deceptive, did he present it in the manner: "Here I present you an IF, D, round cut, 3.00 carat diamond ring set in 950 pure platinum in exchange for your hand in marriage"... or "here is a ring, accept it as a gesture that I actually want to spend my life with you".

Probably he'd get a yes if they dealt together as equal adults. His choice to go the conventional route. He could have had a different kind of discussion.

Aprilx · 02/01/2023 11:40

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 02/01/2023 00:51

My engagement ring cost £400, my wedding ring £100 and my wedding £3k and would have cost a lot less if we weren't keeping parents happy. (5 years ago)

So I'm totally not one for 20k destination wedding etc and I would have been happier eloping or with a little registry office do, but I was still young enough to bow to parental expectations

But if my DH has got me a £30 ring when he spent more than than on a watch I would have been upset. Not because I want a big expensive thing but because it could mean he valued himself more than me. And I want a relationship where I am treated as an equal.

You only need to spend a few hours on the relationship boards to know it starts with penny pinching when dating and becomes financial abuse when children come along.

And whilst spending £30 on a ring isn't a sure fire way of telling if someone is going to be financially abusive, spending very little on your partner compared to what you spend on yourself, and then being defensive and implying they are money grabbing is a definite red flag

This is the kind of man who will expect his wife to continue to contribute the same amount whilst on maternity leave, and expect her to pay out of her savings.

Who will expect her to pay for everything for the baby because she is a woman. Who will watch her go without new clothes, or haircuts, or any hobbies whilst he swans around with the latest bike, or golf clubs or fancy pants watch.

Then when she wants to return to work she won't be able to because 'childcare is more than her wage' and he won't consider her career prospects, pension contributions or own opinions worthy of consideration.

Then a few years down the line he will bitch and moan that the house is his and the car is his and the money is his, and that means he doesn't need to do any housework, or parenting or take on any of the mental load.

And he will moan that he is the only one bringing in money whilst making it impossible for her to do so.

If she does get a job it will have to fit around school hours, because he won't do any of the lifts, and if the kids are ill he will never take time off because his job is too important.

And when they finally split up and get divorced she will be left scraping by because she's not kept up with her career and he will complain about every penny of child maintenence he pays (if any) and bitch about his crazy ex wife.

Because this is the same old story that happens over and over and over again on this forum and other always starts with a boyfriend whose tight with his cash

So whilst you are right that expensive rings aren't necessary and expensive weddings aren't necessary this isn't really about a ring. it's about an attitude and a relationship.

This could have just have easily been a man who bought himself an expensive watch just before christmas then bought his finance a box of chocolates for Christmas. Or a man who orders steak when the woman is paying on a date but will only let her order salad when he is paying.

The wedding and engagement side of this is a red herring.

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@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Good post, I was thinking similar regarding it hints at financial abuse and couldn’t articulate it any better. Here is a man that thinks she should make do and be grateful whilst he has the best he can afford.

category12 · 02/01/2023 11:40

And if you get someone a gift, the nice thing to do is to make the effort to change it for them if it's the wrong size, rather than go meh, you do it.

windmill26 · 02/01/2023 11:43

He comes across as tight (not on himself though!) and selfish. If he is like that now imagine what he will be like if you have kids and you end up being a SAHM or working part-time ?
There are plenty of rings that don't cost the earth but are still decent quality. He should have discussed this with you and you both should have made the decision together. He went ahead buying tat that doesn't even fit and when found out he got defensive. This shows his character ...do yourself a favour and RUN!

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:43

Snowite · 02/01/2023 11:38

Sorry mate, New Year resolution is not to waste energy on ranty blokes wilfully missing the point in their desperate attempts to belittle women online.

I didn't get an engagement ring and eloped. Joint decision, mutual respect. That's the point. Now go gaslight someone else 👍

Well-structured argument 👍. Also we'll done for throwing in gaslighting without supporting evidence. Shots fired :)

C1N1C · 02/01/2023 11:53

@category12

Isn't what he did exercising exactly what you suggested? He opted for a token, not expensive, because he may not agree with society's expectations. As it happened, the OP accepted initially, so the token was well-received. Had she not researched the hallmark, all would be well in the world.

We have two trains of thought in here... he was deceptive, when no he wasn't. He made no statements as to the providence of the ring. And the other that it doesn't bode well when he spends more on himself than the ring; which in today's society with lots of divorces and equality, why 'should' he? Has she returned the gesture with something equal? Why is it so gender-biased?

ImAvingOops · 02/01/2023 11:54

@C1N1C if they were both skint, then it would make sense to not buy spendy rings. But they aren't, and he has plenty of money for himself, so if he's going to buy an engagement ring he shouldn't place less value on it, than he would for himself.
Your argument about upgrading the ring every few years of the marriage goes the distance, doesn't make sense. In getting married they are taking a leap of faith and making a commitment to be together for ever. Just because that doesn't always work out, it doesn't mean men should hedge their bets by buying a cheap wooden wedding ring for the first couple of years, on the off chance. That's hardly commitment and being 'all in'.
Your argument also assumes that there is less money about when people are younger. Tbh, the time to buy an expensive wedding ring is before you have the much more expensive commitment of children.

You are also making a false argument that the OP and other posters are gold diggers if they want something decent. But decent doesn't equal thousands of pounds spent whether the groom can afford it or not, which is what you seem to think. Decent means something durable, that fits and that the OP likes, since she is supposed to wear it for the rest of her life. You are setting the bar very low if you think a man shouldn't even have to do that!
I wouldn't but my dh a gift that id put no thought into, didn't fit him and wasn't to his taste and then just expect him to 'be grateful'. That you think the OP should accept this, means you are maybe not the nice man you'd like to portray yourself as.

windmill26 · 02/01/2023 11:58

Aprilx · 02/01/2023 11:40

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

Good post, I was thinking similar regarding it hints at financial abuse and couldn’t articulate it any better. Here is a man that thinks she should make do and be grateful whilst he has the best he can afford.

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This 100%

ExtraOnions · 02/01/2023 12:01

Who cares how much costs ? Mine was cheap, I lost it a few years ago, never bothered replacing it .. been married 17 years. Nobody has ever enquired around why I don’t wear it (it is lost).

What matters is that you are on the same page, and OP, and her fiancé seem to be on different pages.. I don’t think it’s anything to do with a ring, it’s about what is / isn’t important to you, and if you are falling at the first hurdle, it’s. It a good sign.

I also had a cheap(ish) wedding, we made an agreement not to go over 1 months joint salary, which we did .. it was a fabulous day.

Amazongirl9 · 02/01/2023 12:02

@C1N1C. You appear to have a massive axe to grind regarding male/female equality and engagement rings in particular, which seems odd given that you and Mrs(not)C1N1C (I assume she kept her own surname for equality reasons) seem to have it all sorted to your own satisfaction. If you want to carry on banging the drum for hard done by males being forced to purchase expensive engagement rings against their will maybe you’d like to start your own thread rather than hijack this one. Better still on a sight designed for males to do so. This one is called mumsnets it’s for err… mums.