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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

475 replies

LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 22:40

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

OP posts:
Twen · 29/12/2022 22:43

I'm afraid my opinion is that they don't change ever. They are good at making you think it's possible when under threat, but I fear as soon as you agreed not to take the job, the status quo would be back in play.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 22:47

Thanks @Twen - I just wish it was as easy to do as I planned it in my head!

OP posts:
Worldpeaceandallthat · 29/12/2022 22:50

@Twen, I agree.
Well-done on the new job OP. A new start for you it's exciting.

He is probably playing a game, net result to make you feel guilty.

Focus on you now. He had plenty of warning and time to change.

Newwardrobe · 29/12/2022 22:51

This is exactly how an abuser operates, they push and push until their victim has had enough and then change to being sorry, saying they'll change blah blah blah and then they go back to their abusive ways .
This new job is a godsend for you, take it and don't fall for his sob story.

Twen · 29/12/2022 22:52

Aaw it will be far from easy hun. But totally worth it. You are worth more than this shit. I've had this behaviour myself and they never change. Especially if he's a narc which it sounds like possible. This is def an abuse cycle and you are in the nice phase. He's trying to re-love bomb you but I hope you don't allow it.

Reggiebo · 29/12/2022 22:52

Well done you for getting the job. Take it don't look back.

Nugg · 29/12/2022 22:55

Toxic and controlling. LTB fast and run run run. Don't look back!

anythinginapinch · 29/12/2022 23:00

It's a rare, rare man who changes. He has to visibly be seeking help to change. Otherwise, it's just words.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:02

@Newwardrobe this is exactly my concern. I suggested we try and make it work and do long distance for a while e.g. I go for a bit but then come back as it’s for a fixed period anyway but he doesn’t seem to think that would work because life would get in the way. I just feel like there’s no actual compromise. I also don’t really understand how he can be totally oblivious to my unhappiness when we live together.

Despite saying that they do, I don’t really feel like my family have my back because they keep talking about how long our relationship has been and that our lives are intertwined and questioning whether I really want to start again. I have only lightly touched on the abuse but maybe if they knew the names their daughter was called they would re-assess!! I just don’t want to have to get into it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:04

we have had conversations about communication in the past but nothing has changed - he hasn’t taken responsibility for any of his actions either and when we have talked is keen to share the blame over overall bad behaviour patterns rather than recognising that actually when you only ever criticise someone that will have an impact.

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 29/12/2022 23:04

@LadyB156 congratulations on your new job offer.
It's not an easy decision, if he wants to change maybe give him another chance. Maybe go for couple counselling so someone can tell him he's wrong and needs to change his ways.
Hope everything works out for the best with whatever decision you make x

gavisconismyfriend · 29/12/2022 23:06

Can you try and imagine two scenarios a year from now, in scenario 1 you take the new job, relocate and have started to establish a whole new life. In scenario 2 you don’t take the job, stay in your current job and stay with your partner. Write down the pros and cons of each scenario but also pay attention to how you feel when you imagine yourself in each of them. Which one comes out top? How would you feel if a year from now you found yourself in the least preferred scenario?……

Vaccine001 · 29/12/2022 23:06

Leave. You will always regret not going. Leave and get therapy to move on.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:08

@gavisconismyfriend i did something similar today - I wrote down what made me want to apply for the job in the first place and then the pros / cons of staying. I really think I will regret staying because I don’t think there is the capacity for change. Of course a small part of me might be wrong but what will I regret less? I do want a family and children but I’ve only just turned 30 and so I do think that there’s plenty of time left. It might not be how I thought it would happen but what of life truly is?!

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 29/12/2022 23:12

It sounds like you know what your gut is telling you to do and your head knows you need to do it, but that your heart still needs to catch up? It is so painful when we realise that something we’ve invested in for a long time is not good for us, but trust your instincts - something made you apply for that job….

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:16

@gavisconismyfriend i feel like my heart caught up with my head, and then I had the conversation with him about splitting up and he took it so badly I just felt awful. I think pp is correct about love-bombing because suddenly he’s willing to make all of these changes when he wasn’t before? All because I’ve spoken about it now? Why was it acceptable to behave like that in the first place really? I suspect he knows it wasn’t. It was very strange to see a man who normally shows very little emotion crying and begging me not to leave him.

I went away for a couple of days to give him some space but I will need to return home, it is my home too. I guess I will have to move into the spare room and discuss sticking the house on the market and hoping it will sell quickly.

OP posts:
BanjoVio · 29/12/2022 23:17

Congratulations! Take the job and go and live like the superstar you are without this hanger on. Any change in your partner is very likely to be short term (if there’s any real-terms change at all) and you’ll be wishing you’d taken this chance for a new start. Well done, lady. Be proud of what you’ve done for yourself.

Opentooffers · 29/12/2022 23:19

So, not only did he not value you when together, but he's not willing to wait for you while you work away. His effort goes as far as words, but it's too much for him to back it up with actions. You deserve more than what he gives out, simple as that really.
Stick to your plans, if it wasn't all about him he'd wait, but what he prefers is probably to find a person who is weak enough to tolerate his ways. Don't let that be you, up until now, he thought you would comply anything. Well done for seeing him for what he is.

chevvyroo · 29/12/2022 23:20

Tell your family the names he has been calling you. Well done on getting that job. He hates it that you have been successful and can leave. Enjoy that.

Weenurse · 29/12/2022 23:21

Also, is he who you want to father your children?
Given how he has treated you?
Congratulations on you new job!

Newwardrobe · 29/12/2022 23:27

Summer2424 · 29/12/2022 23:04

@LadyB156 congratulations on your new job offer.
It's not an easy decision, if he wants to change maybe give him another chance. Maybe go for couple counselling so someone can tell him he's wrong and needs to change his ways.
Hope everything works out for the best with whatever decision you make x

That's not how counselling works - a counsellor would never tell someone that they are wrong and need to change their ways . It's also never wise to have joint counselling with someone who is abusive.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:27

@Weenurse no, he’s really not. We had sort of but not really started TTC and I was very much of the view that actually maybe I didn’t want to because it would be awful to bring a child into that sort of environment. Whenever I raised it I would be told “it would be different” but never told how.

OP posts:
Dery · 29/12/2022 23:28

Please, please, please take that job! You won’t regret taking it. You would definitely regret not taking it.

As to the fact that you’ve been together 9 years - look up “sunk costs fallacy”. It’s not a reason to remain in the relationship. If anything, it’s a reason to make sure you don’t waste any more time with this guy. Even if he wasn’t abusive, you got together pretty young (21) and many such relationships run their course by late 20s/30. And tell your family what has been going on. They should be aware.

gavisconismyfriend · 29/12/2022 23:29

Keep taking deep breaths and stay strong. How likely is it that his behaviour will really change if you turn down the job and stay??? As you say, he has very likely known his behaviour is not okay, yet he has continued to behave hurtfully towards you. In which case that behaviour has been intentional, and you are worth much more than that.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:30

I also just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely kind posters who have made supportive comments.

OP posts:
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