I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

@Lovec , I’ve since updated to make clear I’m taking the job, i had accepted it before I posted on here and when I told him, I also told him I was ending our relationship. The trouble is that since then, he’s been desperate to prove to me that things can change and suggested we do long distance.

The last week or so things have been good but I think I can feel them slipping again, probably because we’re both back working after the Christmas break and because he realises that I just might agree to long distance. From our more detailed talks, I am starting to feel as though the compromise is what he is dictating rather than what I actually want (albeit that I haven’t set out my position to him, I’ve only asked him what long distance looks like to him). It makes me wish in part that I had just stuck to my guns with ending things and not been swayed because in my head I wouldn’t be having all of these thoughts and thinking about alternatives or how we might make it work. I feel a bit like I keep changing my mind about what I want and that turns with how things are with us and if I say I’m ending things he won’t believe me. He’s told me he would want me to do most of the commuting back because it’s my choice to go, that he would want me to contribute financially to things (he’s more than capable of meeting those costs, he earns substantially more than me and he’s already worked out that financially he’s better off by staying here with me paying half the mortgage each month than us selling up him getting his own place so I feel that this is really taking the piss and may be indicative of trying to control me).

Ugh, you're reminding yourself of why you wanted to split, aren't you?

Do you really want to be trying to manage a long distance relationship, on his terms, while you could be making your new life start to sing?

It sounds like your gut is telling you the way forward.
It is also important to remember the grass isn't always greener so it's super important to weigh up the pros and cons of the move and of breaking up.
In all honesty you'll never fully know and hind sight is a wonderful thing. It's a big decision but it's important you do what's best for you and what you feel will benefit you most in life.

Another thing to consider is abusers rarely change. You leaving him will massively dent his ego so he will say anything to take back abit of that control and you back in line.
Its concerning that he wouldn't even consider a long distance relationship especially if its only for a timed period.

If you want kids but recognise the relationship you have is toxic then your best choice is to leave tbh imo, it would be a massive injustice to your baby to be knowingly bought into a toxic environment.

Follow your instincts, they are there for a reason

@Anon132 yes I agree with you on the having children point.

The abuse is what I’ve seen posters on here point out and I’m reading Lundy Bancroft’s book that gets recommended on this board. I think that I got swept away with the supposed changes by him.

I had a catch up with a friend at the weekend and was totally honest about the new job and what had happened when I tried to talk to him about it and the horror on her face, I knew he was in the wrong. When I told her the changes, she told me he should have been doing these things all along and I couldn’t agree more. It made me feel so ashamed that I had allowed myself to get into this situation. I feel like outwardly no one would expect it.

You have to follow your own dreams or you will never forgive yourself.

His actions speak louder than words

When you say he calls you names what type of thing does he say??

So once you told him you were taking the job and wanted to end the relationship, he suddenly made an effort but you can already sense that the effort is sliding.

On top of that, he's telling you that you'll have to do most of the leg work because it's you choosing to move and you'll still have to pay towards the mortgage even though he could afford to?

He's still controlling you and he will continue to do so.

No doubt any bumps in the road will be your fault because 'you were the one who decided to move away'.

Make a clean break. Start your new life. Be happy.

Please leave you’ll be so much happier.

You really need to get the house on the market - he will just sit there and do nothing. And he expects you to pay your half of the mortgage HOW LONG? Just indefinitely? Your best bet is a solicitor and get the divorce/house sale moving. Get angry.

I was in a similar situation (but my boyfriend wasn’t abusive just a bit rubbish). We got together when we were 19, lived together for 5 years after Uni. He was just a bit useless, didn’t make much effort, more interested in his friends/work/computer games/football than putting in effort to our relationship. I was offered a job working abroad for a year and I took it. We broke up but remained on speaking terms. Luckily we didn’t own a house. And do you know what - after that year apart he realised that I was the one who got away and actively worked hard at getting me back. Proved himself to be an amazing boyfriend second time around………and we have now been happily married for over a decade and have four children!
When you get together so young, it’s difficult to know if the other person is “the one” or you are just together for convenience. That year apart was the best thing we both needed at the time. I’m not saying the same will happen for you, but if I were you I would take the job, break up, sell the house and decide to go lead separate lives for the next year…… and keep in contact if you leave on good terms. If he realises that he has made a big mistake then his actions will prove that. If he continues to still be an idiot, then you will know you made the right decision.

Just to clarify, I’ve said I would continue to pay half the mortgage because that’s fair and it is still my responsibility. The difference is that he now has to pay all of the bills and will have to pay more for the dog as we won’t be here to share the load in that sense. My relocation package will cover some of my living costs while I’m away so I am not out of pocket. What irks is that he thinks I should be contributing to bills where I am not living.

@Leomii81 i think I’ve probably been called every name under the sun. I feel so ashamed. I’ve also said stuff back which makes me feel awful and it’s pathetic to say he started it.

I am starting to feel a bit like he’s saying that I am behaving a certain way - yesterday I said that I wanted some space but then he didn’t really leave me alone and when I was frustrated he complained about the way I was being. It’s almost like he’s setting me up for failure and it feels a bit like he’s trying to punish me. I don’t doubt he’s sad or whatever but I don’t think it will work out and I really don’t feel like my family have my back. Despite saying that they will support my decision they keep telling me to have an open mind. I was quite firm with them recently and said that I don’t have to stay in an abusive, unhappy relationship if I don’t want to and that if he was hitting me they wouldn’t be saying that.

I'm sorry your family don't have your back here, but your friend sounds as though she knows what's what!

It is definitely not just coincidence that he put on a fleeting show of being a "changed man" only when you said you were leaving, and as soon as you agreed to trying long distance, be immediately began to backslide. He couldn't be making his true intentions much plainer, could he? Do the exact minimum to keep you in your place so he can carry on in his abusive comfort zone with his well-trained service human - ie you.

You're only 30! Take this golden opportunity.
I think agreeing to a Ldr might just prolong the agony but in the short term might make him easier to live with. You really don't owe the abusive arse anything

I’ve made my mind up, I’m definitely going to end the relationship. As scary as it is.

Just a shame that my family are so unsupportive and keep pushing for me to do long distance / decide after I’ve gone. This is despite me detailing the emotional and verbal abuse.

This is the definitely the right decision, but sorry your family isn’t being supportive, that’s disappointing. Never mind - you have the perfect opportunity for a fresh start with your new job! See a solicitor for the best way to deal with the house and push for a sale on that asap - he’s not your friend and could cause problems for you here. It’s normal to have a wee wobble (or three!) but do what’s right for YOU and don’t let Mr Nasty fool you with fake promises or threats. Good luck!

Thanks @goody2shooz - without going into too much detail I am starting to feel ready to walk away and find his constant need to talk, affection etc. suffocating. When I try to implement boundaries, he says it’s normal for couples to do X. This is quite the contrast to a couple of weeks ago when he told me we weren’t together and are technically single.

I am really struggling with my parents and their attitude to all this. I feel like every time I talk to them, I tell them something more about my relationship, I detail some of the bullying, I give an example and they agree with me that it’s not right to behave that way and but then tell me not to be hasty, that it’s a long relationship to walk away from and that I should say I’m willing to do long distance and see how it goes, that people deserve second chances etc. I don’t want advice, I just want their support. I am not a child and I don’t need or want to be told what to do. I plan to tell them this next time I see or speak to them. Despite telling me they were pleased for me about the job, they’ve not told anyone about it. I feel like they are ashamed of me.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by ending the relationship now. I just can't see it working out.
Good luck, you'll be so much happier!

Just found your thread last night and my heart goes out to you. I admire your strength and the fluctuations you’re describing resonate with me. Can I just say I think you’re doing brilliantly.

I left a relationship at exactly the same age you are now, also for a new job a few hours away. I did it later than I should have.

Some pieces of advice for what it’s worth (and I’d give these to to my daughter - I really mean them):

Sell the house - get it on the market. If nothing more it’ll give you freedom to set up your new life. It’ll save these ridiculous conversations about you paying bills (appreciate you’ll have responsibility for the mortgage) for a house you’re not living in - that will become draining and it’ll just be the start, believe me. The house will become an excuse to maintain contact, constantly! Sell it! Speak to a solicitor this week and tell them the circumstances, say you anticipate potential challenges and get definitive advice on what your obligations are. Then get some valuations. Just tell your ex that there’s a mismatch between what you both envisage your on-going joint ownership will look like, and selling seems to be the right thing for you both.

Don’t stress about meeting someone - it will happen when it happens. What I mean is, if you stress about not meeting anyone, it won’t serve you well because it risks you going into new relationships with too much pressure on yourself, or for the wrong reasons (I did this). Relax, have fun, date, explore your new home. Of course there’s a possibility you won’t meet someone but let’s face it, you sound lovely, bright, talented and strong - the chances of you ending up alone are slim. Moreover, even if you don’t, it doesn’t make this man the right one.

Good heavens please, please take the dog! I took the dog. Best thing I ever did. 10 years on I still have this dog and I adore him. He has been my friend and companion through relationships, friendships, kids, everything. He is wonderful. I moved a few hours away when I left (also new job) and I knew no-one. My dog got me out, my friendship group has come about through being out with my dog, from those I just say ‘hi’ to every morning/evening, to trusted close friends - I’ve met them all through my dog. They are the very best of life and I cannot advise strongly enough - take the dog.

Consider speaking to a therapist, even if it’s just to give you clarity, sanity and resolve while you’re making the change.

You can do this OP!

Good advice from @Icandefinitelydothis

He's is upset, upset and shocked you finally stood up to him. NEVER NEVER give up an opportunity based on promises, he WILL revert straight back as soon as you turn the job down. Get away from this man, I guarantee he will make your life a misery and having kids with him is a terrible idea. I wasted 17 years, don't be me, be happy.

Thank you @Icandefinitelydothis - your advice is really helpful.

I feel really down today - I feel like he’s been quite clingy and touchy and I just want to be left alone. He just wants to talk and keeps asking what if questions and I really don’t want to talk, I feel like I’m just processing everything. I also don’t know the answers to them and I don’t want to plan for the future, I just want to be in the present for now as anything beyond that, other than practical work stuff, feels too mentally intensive.

I also feel really sad about my parents and although I have friends I can stay with, it just makes me feel so so alone. We’ve been playing at being a couple for the last few weeks and at times it has felt great but my heart isn’t in it and I don’t think he will truly understand it when I tell him.

You’re right, he won’t understand. But, here’s the thing - IT DOESN’T MATTER.
It’s over, he is who he is, very selfish, and will only see things from his side. He wasn’t bothered about being horrible to you - this is him. Don’t waste your time trying to make him understand. This is the time to look out FOR YOU. Time for you to be focused and single minded for you. It will go against the grain because you are a kind person, but as far as this relationship goes, you must put yourself first. Sell the house, make a clean break. Ask your parents if they are happy to see you in an abusive relationship - if they say no, then you can say ‘good, I’m glad we agree’ and then refuse to discuss it further. Tighten up those boundaries, take no shit!

It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling that way. It’s a huge thing to process, but remember you’re doing brilliantly, because you are - even when it doesn’t feel like you are, you are.

As you can tell, I’m pro-dog 😊 - have you tried a long walk? Get wrapped up and go for a wander. I walked for hours and hours. It’s my respite still to this day. Consider that therapist.

I’m so sorry about your parents. It must feel horrible looking to someone for support and discovering you’re faced with their needs rather than your own. You say you have friends - can you be with/stay with people who feel positive for you to be around?

I also remember that feeling of aloneness - I remember getting home from work, sitting outside in my car and wondering what on earth I would do now if I ever forgot my keys - who would have spare keys?! I laugh about it now because clearly the answer was a key box, but that wasn’t the question was it. The feeling goes, I promise. It’ll all be ok.

Move through it all, keep going, don’t go back.

Sending virtual hugs.

Thanks both, that’s made me feel a lot better.

I am stuck on a conference call atm but as soon as that’s done, I’ll be taking the dog out for a long walk. I can stay with friends, but neither of them live particularly close to my work and so I will need to factor that in. I will start looking into a therapist privately too.

I have just remembered friend is going away on holiday before I leave, maybe I can ask to stay there while they’re away. I think part of the problem is still living in the same house, cooking for each other, shopping together etc and doing all of the things we should have been doing but he was full of excuses as to why he couldn’t. One of the red flags that has really cemented this for me is that despite raising his behaviour over the course of our relationship he’s started to minimise it as being over a specific more recent period of time. It’s just so exhausting.