I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

I’m feeling really great. I ended up going out for an impromptu dinner with some friends last Tuesday, had a big night out at the end of the week and a great catch up with my friend who has left over the weekend. I’ve had lots of low key social stuff in the diary but balanced with enough evenings at home with the dog which has been really nice. This weekend I’ve got another social evening - just dinner and drinks with a bigger group of friends which I’m really looking forward to and I’m planning on doing nothing but sitting and reading my book and spending time with my dog and pottering about at home and I can’t wait. I really feel like I’m building a life just for me.

It’s nearly a month since my last update and I thought I would do a post.

If you happen to stumble across my thread and aren’t sure whether to leave someone, if your gut tells you something is off, just go. One of the things I’ve come to realise is how much I should have listened to my gut in the past. I wish I had left him sooner but I also think that things work out as they should - had I left him earlier, it is unlikely I would have had the opportunity to move abroad and get away from it all.

Our house is on the market and I just want nothing to do with him now. I am hoping we will sell it asap and just be able to move on. I had some family out to visit me recently and found it really stressful in the lead up to it because I felt like on paper, I had taken a step back. But in reality I don’t feel that way, I feel much happier (and content) with my life now. My family made some comments which mean I’m not sure they will be invited back, but I feel like I’m learning who I am, what is important to me and implementing boundaries.

Thanks so much for the update op. Glad things are working out.

Great to hear from you.

Detaching is all part of the process.

I am so glad you sound so strong and that you are really finding your feet.

Learning to trust your gut takes time.

It is only after we ignore it a few times and realise it, that we begin to learn to slow down and take the time to lean into what our gut is trying to tell us.

So often we can put our hands over our ears as we sing "la de dah" to block out the screaming of our gut.

When we are prepared to lean into it, feel the discomfort of the message, reflect, can we begin to trust ourselves.

Most of us learn this over time.

Most of us have a few tough lessons first.

Those tough lessons are a gift.

You are growing and changing and often family don't like our new found confidence in enforcing our choices and boundaries.

That is on them.

Forge your own path.

They will either adapt and watch the mouths, or see a lot less of you.

That will be on them, not you.

Delighted to hear the house is up for sale.

Beware of that thug trying to pull a fast one.

He is never to be trusted.

@billy1966 you’re right, I spent a long time with my hands over my ears. I am so glad to be (almost completely) free of him.

As we approach the end of the year, I feel quite reflective. I’m so much happier than I used to be, my self confidence is slowly building, I have a supportive group of friends and I have been building a life entirely for me. I very much feel at this point any man needs to add something to my life and I do feel like I won’t compromise on standards or what I deserve. I have started dating in very loose terms and take each one with no expectations and just try to have a nice time. I am also very slowly learning to accept that I’m not the horrible things he said I was - I am not a nasty person, people do like me, I am not ugly. The dates in some ways help a bit with my self confidence in that regard, after years of being denigrated, but at this point I mostly just want to be on my own.

I am not going back to the UK for Christmas and so not seeing my family, which is a first for me. I am, however, really looking forward to having a different sort of Christmas with my friends and my dog.

So pleased to read you continue on a path of strength.
These things take time.
Remember that people that say nasty things to you, about your character or your person, whilst in a "relationship" with you, do NOT care about you. Not a bit.

Really caring about someone means you just don't want to hurt them, even when they irritate you and get on your tits!!

Because much as they are drive you mad at times, you wouldn't want to really wound them, not for a second.
You are genuinely invested in their happiness and wouldn't want to damage that.

So many women do NOT get this.

It is so fundamental to relationships.
All relationships.
Friendships and intimate relationships.

If you can really learn, understand and believe this, it will transform how you interact and create boundaries with all your relationships.

Only one dig, one unkind remark, one personal swipe at you from ANYONE should be enough for you to say to yourself "hey now, what's THAT about, why are they having a dig at me, do I really want to accept that".?????

I am not saying to be hysterical or to be looking for conflict, but to be confident in being questioning.

Unkindness is a huge red flag.
Investing in those that are comfortable being unkind, making belittling digs, NEVER ends well.
It is a complete waste of your time.

You have grown immeasurably in the past 12 months, extraordinarily so, both with your family and personal relationships.

You need to be so proud of that growth.

There are many who don't for decades beyond you.

Christmas abroad is fabulous.
I have had many on mainland Europe, and Asia. So different, so great.

Embrace it all.
You don't owe ANYONE a relationship with you.

Take your time.
Make them work for you.
You do not need a relationship at the moment.
You need fun as you continue to find your feet.
The better shape you are in emotionally and self esteem wise, the better placed you will be to choose well.

I hope that ex of yours dies screaming (a nice old saying that old women like me wish on anyone that would harm anyone belong to them, like their child).

Remember he is a hugely dishonest prick, don't trust him for a minute financially or otherwise.

I still think that at some point you need to get the word back to his circle that he sexually and financially abused you, but that is the mother in me that has a truly vicious streak, and wouldn't rest if I knew any of my children were treated badly!
I understand if you don't share that view.

Mind yourself 👍

So lovely to read your update. You sound so strong, so self aware, and... happy.

It's probably best not to return for Christmas this year as the house selling could muddy the boundaries of what can/can't be talked about regarding your previous life. Hopefully it gets sold quickly so you can draw a line under it all.

Happy Christmas 🎄

Such a great post I think it deserves a repost! Just such a great perspective!

Thanks @billy1966 and @Pixiedust1234 - I feel like i am slowly living the life I dreamed of living. When we were together sometimes I would fantasise about being single and what my life would be like and now I have made it happen.

I don’t speak to my family as much as I did when I was in the UK. My life is so full and busy and when I do speak to them, they are interested in all the things I am doing and when I’ve opened up to them about the way my ex treated me they’ve been completely horrified.

I feel so grateful to have a strong group of female friends around me. A few weeks ago after a bit to drink one of the girls told me she didn’t understand how I didn’t realise how attractive I am and how I’m just
a nice person and anyone would be lucky to have me. I then asked a platonic male friend if he thought that was true about me and he said it was. It’s silly because I know that the things my ex said weren’t true but there’s an element of self doubt which I’m slowly overcoming. I’m trying not to use external validation for it but I do find dating really helps, as does getting dressed up, not wearing my frumpy clothes and just going out and living my life. At the risk of sounding incredibly vain, several of my friends have said that they didn’t know what I saw in my ex and, I don’t know anymore either. The person he presented me with and the person he really was are two very different people. He chipped away so much at my self worth and I don’t want that to happen to me again.

.

I am delighted you are finding your vanity.
Goodness knows looks fade quick enough, and far too many women deeply regret how hard they were on themselves, criticising themselves harshly when they were young and lovely.

It is absolutely healthy, normal, and desirable to care about your appearance and want to look your best.

Nothing wrong with liking comfy clothes of course, but getting dressed up is a lovely part of being a woman if you enjoy it.

Remember that your ex is a deeply disordered, flawed, and ugly man.

His prolonged, systematic abuse of you in boiled frog fashion, confirms this.

Of course he knew you were far too good for him so you had to be taken down in case you woke up to the scum he really was.

As you age you will fully realise just how totally fxxked up he is, how unhinged he is and how blessed beyond words you are that you got away.

He would have given you a dogs life and been a terrible infliction on any child as a father.

I have no doubt you would have ended up a single parent tied to him through children.

This new freedom is to be savoured.
Allow yourself to be taken out and spoiled, but you have proved that you know you deserve to be treated very well and are aware of your self worth.

You have shown you have the strength of character to leave, and even move country if needs be, to do what you need to do to provide yourself with the best life outcome.

You ARE a warrior.

Keep those women close.
They will no doubt provide you with more love, comfort and succour than any man ever could!

Much as I love my husband, I absolutely am a woman that has always believed that "men come and go, good friends are forever".

Woman can never really have too many good women friends as they age, to give and receive love from, support and kindness too.

I consider my fabulous friends my greatest resource throughout my life.

You really have this👊💪😁.

Thanks @billy1966, I re-read your message today and it was just what I need. I have been ruminating a lot lately and I think I feel a bit low. I’m contemplating reaching out to the therapist I used previously and I am going to do dry January. My alcohol consumption has gone up a lot with the lead up to Christmas and there’s definitely been a bit of burning the candle at both ends.

I have a friend who is a bit boy mad and I think I need some time away from that because I don’t think it’s good for me right now. I haven’t seen the guy I slept with for a while and I messaged him over the Christmas break and he didn’t respond which made me feel awful. I thought I was getting there, but I suppose wobbles are normal. I’ve enjoyed going on dates but I think I might take a break from it. They’ve been useful because they have on the whole been nice experiences and have proven that my ex was wrong about the things he said but I think I need to be more okay with being alone than I am. The last couple of weeks are the first time I’ve felt lonely since I’ve been single and I can’t quite pin point why. I had a great Christmas and was really busy in the lead up to it. I really enjoy being in my home on my own or pottering about doing things but I feel like I have this sadness in me and I don’t know if I’m meant to just sit with it.

I hope you're feeling better LadyB.
Even though you enjoyed your Xmas, I can imagine the spare time could be a bit melancholy. time for reflection on your major life changes last year, deciding not to go home & see your parents etc.
But onwards & upwards. Over all things are So much better, its a big learning curve, Your job is good, you've got a busy social life, you are growing in confidence & looking great....
KOKO

Thank you @Mix56 I am feeling so much better. I had a fantastic Christmas and got to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily. I haven’t entirely stuck to dry January (I have had one drink) but I have cut back significantly and been eating better and exercising consistently which is probably helping. I’ve also started (inconsistently) journaling.

Sorry to revive such an old thread, but I’m having a bit of a tough time.

Ex is being a bit difficult. House is on the market but hasn’t sold yet - he wants out asap and is talking about changing agents. I don’t see the point, everyone looks on the same pages rightmove / zoopla to look at houses. A customer base is a bit pointless. I mentioned my next trip back to the UK and he told me he would take the dog and stay elsewhere if I intend to stay at the house. Doesn’t trust me with the dog and that I won’t take the dog. He’s offered a comprise that he will bring the dog to me so I can say goodbye. It’s been on my mind all week and I need to stop letting him control me and my reactions from thousands of miles away.

I need to focus on my life out here and being glad I’m not with him anymore.

Hi @LadyB156 sorry to hear that. You’ve come so far.

I agree regarding the agents do you have an exclusivity agreement in your contract? Could you use two agents? I’ve never done it but I’ve seen it done quite a lot and maybe that’d be a compromise.

is your trip back to the UK to see the dog or do you have other reasons for your visit? Were you intending on staying at the house?

Keep going, you’re doing so well 💐

@Icandefinitelydothis i have no idea, I have a copy of the contract so can check but at this point I don’t really see why we would bother moving agents. The agent has said things are starting to pick up sale wise and would want to see how things go over the next few weeks. There are other houses in our area that have been sat on the market for longer.

I have other reasons for my visit. Work give me one paid for return flight a year and I have some things to do during that time and I was planning to be at the house to sort whatever I have there still and see some friends. I wouldn’t stay more than one or two nights. I also wanted to see the dog and make my peace with saying goodbye too. He has told me that he doesn’t want me to walk the dog because he thinks it would be disruptive. I think he’s trying to exert some control over the situation. I’m so upset. In normal circumstances I would go and do some exercise but I am currently injured and so am limited in what I can do. At this point, I wish I had been stubborn about the dog and taken the dog. I have no idea how I would have done it.

Thanks for updating! I will always want to know how you are doing.

Im sorry about the dog situation. I think, and you already know this anyway, that you just have to grieve the loss and move on. Its necessary , as you have no choice, but it is also the only thing you can do to take control from him.

Just tell him you do not need to see the dog. If you don’t need to see him (the ex) tell him that too. Or arrange to see him in a “no dog” place. The dog, to him, is just a stick to beat you.

If you do want the dog back, and you do meet up with ex, I’d tell him you are grateful that he is keeping ddog as you can’t have him with you (cost, convenience, house rules). He will then try to find a way to force you to take the dog.

One of your problems is that you are trying to sell your house at a bad time of year. The other time is August/early September. It's a known thing which is why we were trying to tell you not to wait until after Christmas. The market always picks up in Spring.

Don't ask to see the dog. It's already screwing up your head, and please try to put yourself in the dogs position too. If you saw it then you tried to leave but it got upset and repeatedly tried to follow you...what would that achieve for you or the dog? It would achieve great satisfaction for him though, punishing you twice. Say goodbye in your head and make peace. It's over. If needs be pretend it has been rehomed elsewhere, it's gone. (Sorry for it, can't remember if she/he).

Go back, get everything of yours out, take photos of every single room and garden (in case it's grubby or things are broken that's putting buyers off). Talk to the agent to see if anything needs improving for a quick sale such as paying for a deep clean/gardener.

Take all the emotion out, put on your practical and logical hats, grey rock him. You have got this!

The plan was to go back and get everything of mine out of the house when I am back so that anything left there would be for him to sort / take etc, I just wanted one last time with the dog to be able to say goodbye. He is using it as a stick with which to beat me - his last bit of control. I wish we had just sold it last year but I was trying to be a decent person by giving him time. I know that it’s a lot more than he deserved.

I have spoken to the agent re selling. The house was on the market in autumn and we took it off over the Christmas break to relaunch in January. We had viewings when it first came on but haven’t converted any interest this side of the year into viewings. The agent isn’t terribly concerned about it. There are a couple of detractors that we can’t change. For what it’s worth, ex is very motivated to sell and get out of the house.

FWIW I don’t think there’s an issue with selling it, it will just take time and he is impatient. I had suggested to him we wait until spring but he doesn’t want to because he has some timeline in his head (which he won’t explain to me). The dog thing is what has upset me and that’s just playing right into his hands. I’m very much ready to let it go and not take it into next week with me.

Your doing the right thing OP! I went through the same thing except had a child with my abuser. It's reallly the worst thing.
I went through so many rounds of 'I promise I'll change' he never did.
Luckily I own my own house so got away from the relationship but now have to deal with the fact he's the father of my child and still likes to make my life miserable. You really don't need it. There is no excuse for someone treating you like that.
Forget everyone else's opinions- my family were very similar they don't understand what it's like to live with someone like that.
Try not to get sucked back into his bullshit it's been 9 years!!! Nothing will get better only worse.
Also you DEFINITLEY WILL meet someone else forget that crap!! Enjoy your life x

Do you really need to say goodbye to the dog ? You've lived a long time now, & already said goodbye when you first left.
Won't it just hurt a gain ?
I think you need to drop the rope.
He can't fight you, if you don't care

@Mix56 no, I don’t really. It just would have been nice to have the house to myself with her while I sort through my stuff and to not be in the house alone overnight as I don’t think I ever have been without her when there. It would also have meant that I could catch up with some of my friends over a dog walk as often that’s something we would do - go somewhere and walk the dogs together. I’ve not engaged with him on it anymore. One of my friends has told me to just take her but I think they’re more aggrieved over the situation and how he has treated me, “gotten away with it” and kept the dog.

It’s been a long time since I posted on here, so a little update if you will. We’re finally in the process of selling the house and unsurprisingly he’s trying to screw me over in terms of joint belongings. I find dealing with him really hard but on a day to day basis he doesn’t impact my life. I look back and wonder how on earth I put up with him. We’ve had a few interactions in person and he’s been unkind - the last time I told him I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour and walked out. I felt so proud of myself. I truly feel like I am in a much better place.