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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

475 replies

LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 22:40

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 30/12/2022 07:24

Limpshade · 30/12/2022 06:19

Even at his grovelling "best" he is still unwilling to relocate or wait for you, and has made it clear he won't be happy unless everything stays the way he wants it. If this is his "best", then his worst must be awful.

Please go for the job and start your new and exciting life away from this man.

^^This! Take the job, take the job, take the job! Go find someone who loves and cares for you to have children with (honestly how could you even consider it with the current guy?)

Paq · 30/12/2022 07:28

You're doing the right thing by leaving. Well done. I'm so impressed by your ability to see through his bullshit and make a great life for yourself.

You've been with the same person for your whole adult life yet you know this is not how loving relationships should be. That's fantastic.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/12/2022 08:17

This is , as escape routes go , an amazing one !

The ideal way to move on and forget an unhappy relationship

Poppyblush · 30/12/2022 08:19

Another vote for you to definitely take the new job!

Original poster
LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 08:27

Thank you for all the supportive messages. I feel so much clearer this morning.

@noodlezoodle that article is great, and I have saved it.

My parents didn’t behave like this - they might have their faults but I didn’t grow up in a home with this sort of behaviour. At first, I thought that there was something wrong with me, then I would argue back and other times I would descend into the same sort of language and hate myself for it. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I felt ashamed. I told my best friend about one instance , and she told me it’s abuse. I saw the behaviour across these boards and recognised some of it and then read the verbally abusive relationship that was recommended on here and it was really uncomfortable because it resonated with me. It’s taken me quite a while to be able to get to this point.

When I tried to split up with him and told him about the job, he told me that he was dismissive because he couldn’t work from that location and he didn’t think I would apply for it because I knew that it would be something that would break what we had.

It hurts and I feel sad because of the life I am giving up, the shared experience and all the time spent together (both good and bad) but in the grand scheme of things, it’s better for me to leave. We have a dog together which he doesn’t want me to take. I obviously love the dog very very much and it is hard to leave the dog but it’s probably the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Shunkleisshiny · 30/12/2022 08:36

This job opportunity is a sign, new year, new start, new you. Good luck!

LadyWithLapdog · 30/12/2022 08:40

Good luck, moving out and moving on sounds like the best start to 2023!

Cakeandcardio · 30/12/2022 08:43

OP when I read your first post, I thought you were in your 50s or something then saw your post about being 30. Fuck this shit. Grab life by the horns and get back out there. You are so young that you will be fine. You've got too much life ahead of you to waste with a loser. Good luck with your new job!!! PS. If your guy really cared about you, he would find a way to make it work and make you happy- believe me!!

ValerieDoonican · 30/12/2022 08:58

Yay! Sounds like you have the measure if this man.

As an adide, he may move on quite quickly - but if he does, this will just show his tears were for himself, and that he doesn't see his girlfriends as people, he sees them as a service.

If you want kids, best not shag someone you already know would be a bad father! You're doing the right thing here 😃😃

Campervangirl · 30/12/2022 10:09

The universe has just given you a "get out of jail free" card, grab it with both hands!
He's abusive, he's not going to change, he's crying and upset because you're pulling away and he needs to rein you back in, it's taken him 9 yrs to get you where he wants you, under his control.
For god's sake take the job and go, this is your chance to escape.
You'll go through a whole gamet of emotions, fear, sadness, uncertainty etc (all absolutely normal) but at the end of the day you'll be free.
Don't be one of the women on here who get caught with having DC with their abusers and are tied to them forever.
You're just about to turn 30, you've plenty of time to meet someone else.
Run hard and run fast, you can do it.
Please do it, save yourself.
Come back on here in 12 months and tell us how great your life is ❤️

Gsds · 30/12/2022 10:20

So many congratulations due, congrats on applying for the job, being brave and naming the abuse for what it is. Congratulations on the interview success and tell him you’re leaving. Hopefully congrats on taking the job and starting your new life

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/12/2022 10:22

Don't be one of the women on here who get caught with having DC with their abusers and are tied to them forever

this
OP it was also this boards that made me see that my relationship was abusive

huwever as we had kids extricating myself my way way harder
he also messed up my eldest who now isn’t talking to him

3 years in I’m in a good place

and I’m soooooo haooy you have this opportunity
yea it won’t be easy to start with
don’t assume that

and take some time to process before you leap
into a new one x

boredOf · 30/12/2022 10:23

Congratulations on the job. Please leave him. Sooner rather than later.

boredOf · 30/12/2022 10:25

LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 08:27

Thank you for all the supportive messages. I feel so much clearer this morning.

@noodlezoodle that article is great, and I have saved it.

My parents didn’t behave like this - they might have their faults but I didn’t grow up in a home with this sort of behaviour. At first, I thought that there was something wrong with me, then I would argue back and other times I would descend into the same sort of language and hate myself for it. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I felt ashamed. I told my best friend about one instance , and she told me it’s abuse. I saw the behaviour across these boards and recognised some of it and then read the verbally abusive relationship that was recommended on here and it was really uncomfortable because it resonated with me. It’s taken me quite a while to be able to get to this point.

When I tried to split up with him and told him about the job, he told me that he was dismissive because he couldn’t work from that location and he didn’t think I would apply for it because I knew that it would be something that would break what we had.

It hurts and I feel sad because of the life I am giving up, the shared experience and all the time spent together (both good and bad) but in the grand scheme of things, it’s better for me to leave. We have a dog together which he doesn’t want me to take. I obviously love the dog very very much and it is hard to leave the dog but it’s probably the right thing to do.

In your new life you won't miss this old one.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2022 10:31

Take the job!!!

If he really wanted to change then he'd relocate with you, or wait for you, or try to find another solution but he hasn't/won't because he doesn't want you to better yourself and forge a life independently.

He's literally doing nothing. If he loved you and wanted to change then he'd be happy for your new job.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 11:14

Thanks. He’s paid lip service to being pleased for me getting it, doesn’t want me to go because it would delay marriage and kids but if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t want that with him. I thought I did, but it was very much the next thing to do. I have to tell him it is over and try to peacefully co-exist in the same house until I leave. I didn’t expect this whole gamut of emotions really, it’s probably silly but I have felt really emotional about it all and I didn’t expect to because in my head I knew what I needed to do.

OP posts:
BanjoVio · 30/12/2022 11:34

LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 11:14

Thanks. He’s paid lip service to being pleased for me getting it, doesn’t want me to go because it would delay marriage and kids but if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t want that with him. I thought I did, but it was very much the next thing to do. I have to tell him it is over and try to peacefully co-exist in the same house until I leave. I didn’t expect this whole gamut of emotions really, it’s probably silly but I have felt really emotional about it all and I didn’t expect to because in my head I knew what I needed to do.

It’s not silly at all, it’s a huge upheaval no matter how you look at it. Can I just echo what a PP has said about you having plenty of time to meet someone else? I ended my marriage of two years when I was 29 and within three years married the love of my life, someone who I absolutely idolise and couldn’t be without. I’m a world away from where I was at 29. Sending lots of love xx

Original poster
LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 20:40

Thanks. I’ve found these posts really helpful. I feel absolutely heartbroken tonight and apologise for my ramblings. It helps to have a neutral place to write.

I have told him I’m categorically leaving - the job and relocation isn’t for another few months and we have started talking about dividing assets. The location is not one he can actually work in which means that if he really did want to change and step up, there is time to prove it but it would mean long distance for a few years. I know that sometimes abusers are xyz on here and I genuinely don’t think I am falling for anything, but he does seem really hurt by this. It’s a big change for both of us and I do genuinely think that sometimes normal people do really bad things. He says he knows how bad he has been, he genuinely wants to change and wants to prove it to me. It really hurts to hear this because on the one hand it’s what I want to hear but on the other hand, it’s his active choice to not be like this for so long. He says he accepts my choice. The bad bits are intertwined with the good bits and it’s just so hurtful. I don’t doubt that I will get over this and meet someone else - I didn’t expect him to tell me he can’t bear the thought of never seeing me again because honestly, up until now he made me feel like he did not give a shit. And I need to remember that.

OP posts:
xfan · 31/12/2022 13:50

LadyB156 · 30/12/2022 20:40

Thanks. I’ve found these posts really helpful. I feel absolutely heartbroken tonight and apologise for my ramblings. It helps to have a neutral place to write.

I have told him I’m categorically leaving - the job and relocation isn’t for another few months and we have started talking about dividing assets. The location is not one he can actually work in which means that if he really did want to change and step up, there is time to prove it but it would mean long distance for a few years. I know that sometimes abusers are xyz on here and I genuinely don’t think I am falling for anything, but he does seem really hurt by this. It’s a big change for both of us and I do genuinely think that sometimes normal people do really bad things. He says he knows how bad he has been, he genuinely wants to change and wants to prove it to me. It really hurts to hear this because on the one hand it’s what I want to hear but on the other hand, it’s his active choice to not be like this for so long. He says he accepts my choice. The bad bits are intertwined with the good bits and it’s just so hurtful. I don’t doubt that I will get over this and meet someone else - I didn’t expect him to tell me he can’t bear the thought of never seeing me again because honestly, up until now he made me feel like he did not give a shit. And I need to remember that.

Good that you don't want to stay I a relationship that's failing, but don't assume you will just meet someone else, you may not - maybe that's the arrogance of youth

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2022 14:00

I think pp is correct about love-bombing because suddenly he’s willing to make all of these changes when he wasn’t before? All because I’ve spoken about it now?

Hi OP, look at it this way. Your relationship is a job you've resigned from. Your manager/BF has made a counter offer - higher salary, better perks, WFH....in his case, it's that he'll make the changes you want. What would you think? I know what I'd think. 'Why do I have to threaten to walk for you to give me this? and what guarantee do I have that if I stay you'll make good anyway, based on our history?'

Always4Brenner · 31/12/2022 14:04

Well done for going and getting the job grab this with both hands I grabbed my chance to leave three months well 10 weeks later actually I love it everything for home just fell into my lap prayers answered best Christmas ever I know I’ve done the right thing you will too.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2022 14:08

Oops, saw your update. Well done.

Original poster
LadyB156 · 01/01/2023 04:49

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain this is exactly how I feel.

I feel completely and utterly heartbroken tonight. I haven’t yet moved into the spare room (I know, I know - I’ll do it first thing) and we are behaving almost more like a couple than we have in years. He’s made some comments like “this is what it should have been like”, “this is what it could have been” and “I wish I had really taken on board how you felt and not been so narrow minded on things”. He has also taken to scrutinising things I have said and I don’t know how to make him realise that yes, I was unhappy but no that didn’t stop me planning things for the future. I went out with a friend earlier and when I got back he had moved my things into the spare room because I had said I would do that and seeing it made me cry. I feel so guilty because he’s not really sleeping or eating and just looks so sad all of the time. I guess we probably need some firm boundaries.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 01/01/2023 05:02

Oh yes! Take the wonderful golden ticket to a new life that you’ve earned. GOOD FOR YOU!
yes, it will possibly be hard, and you will possibly have to mourn, but you deserve to fight fiercely for your happiness.
it Doesn’t matter what he’s saying now.
they can put on a good act when their cruelty , coldness and callous behavior has been too much for the person they saw as their personal punching bag.

America12 · 01/01/2023 05:18

He's acting like this now because you're leaving.
It's like people who have affairs being sorry - only sorry because they've been caught.
Please don't let him sway you.
Congratulations on your new job (and life).