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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

475 replies

LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 22:40

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:33

@Dery i tried to explain this to my parents but they didn’t seem to get it. At one point, they said that I could be quite “sensitive” so was that it? I was absolutely horrified and made quite clear that name calling is not acceptable and nor is a joke at the expense of someone else’s feelings. If you hurt someone else’s feelings and they tell you, the normal reaction is to apologise.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/12/2022 23:33

Just tell him you have grown up and grown apart and that the relationship has run it’s course.
Tell him you will remember the special times (even if you won’t) and it is time to move on.
Try to stay civil to assist with getting the house sold and disengaging from the relationship.
Good luck with your new life

Original poster
LadyB156 · 29/12/2022 23:35

@gavisconismyfriend this is what I think too. I don’t know that it will change and I will have to compromise and give up something I want but what is he doing? Being a better person? This new job will be scary because I will know no one but it fills me with excitement and I think that really tells me it’s the right thing. It’s almost like a good sort of scary.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 29/12/2022 23:39

You know deep down that if you don't take the job, and stay with him then he will revert back to his old ways pretty quick. You will regret it. Take that job.

Alcemeg · 29/12/2022 23:40

If you hurt someone else’s feelings and they tell you, the normal reaction is to apologise.
Absolutely, OP. Ideally you wouldn't be hurting their feelings anyway, and if you did, you'd notice immediately and not need them to explain it to you.

Abusive men often make wild promises when there's a gun held to their head. I suppose they don't like the threat of their favourite toy being taken away from them.

Congratulations on the job and wishing you a happy and successful 2023!

gavisconismyfriend · 29/12/2022 23:41

Hold onto that sense of excitement OP, it will help fuel you as you navigate the challenges of extracting yourself from this relationship. You’ll have the freedom to reinvent yourself and to leave the past firmly behind you and that’s definitely worth being excited about!! You’ve got cheerleaders on this thread to support you whenever you need it.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 29/12/2022 23:42

Congratulations for applying for the job and being offered the new role!

He sounds like it's his way or the highway; not something I could put up with in a relationship and it seems like you're also unhappy with this part of his personality. Unfortunately that isn't going to change! He couldn't even have a discussion with you about why you're interested in a new role, relocating or having a temporary long distance relationship but was happy to suggest splitting up if you did move?!

Definitely time to move on.

mindutopia · 29/12/2022 23:48

Gosh, you are only 30 and you’ve been in this relationship since you were 21. It’s time to go explore the world and live your life while you still have the chance to.

And Fwiw, Dh and I were long distance for 2 years around that age. I was an 11 hour flight away. He was nothing but supportive of me and my career and we made an adventure out of it and did as much travelling as we could when he flew out to see me. In the right relationship, being LD will work just fine, but this doesn’t sound like the right relationship for you right now.

Congrats on the new job and enjoy this next chapter!

Glittersparkle76 · 30/12/2022 00:08

I really think you should take this new job and leave this man,if you don't you will absolutely kick yourself down the line when he slips back into his normal behaviour.He is desperate to hold onto you now and will say and do whatever it takes to do so.
Go follow your dream and grab this new life with both hands!,I wish you every success and happiness!xx

LadyLolaRuben · 30/12/2022 01:32

As you have said its an abusive cycle but, this episode is on a huge scale due to the relocation issue. He wasn't supportive with the idea and as you pointed out, its only a temporary arrangement, so not a long term commitment required by him. He just wants things his own way. If you gave in and stayed he'd soon revert back to his old ways. But it will be worse because he knows the sacrifices you will make and overlook his behaviour. He knows his behaviour is wrong if he doesn't display it in front of others. You have a big chance here OP for a fresh start. Well done on the new job. Run for the hills and hope you meet the person you truly deserve along the way x

SLS500 · 30/12/2022 04:36

You've identified he's abusive. His reaction before and after you got the job confirms what you already knew.

Take the job and enjoy the next chapter in your life.

Congratulations, I'm excited for you.

noodlezoodle · 30/12/2022 05:46

Bloody hell. You've already identified that he's abusive, and that although he says things will change, they never do. That's really all the information you need.

You've done incredibly well to get this offer and if I were you I would accept - it's a fantastic achievement.

When I'm struggling with a decision, this is how I make up my mind - quote taken from this amazing article:

When stumped by a life choice, choose “enlargement” over happiness. I’m indebted to the Jungian therapist James Hollis for the insight that major personal decisions should be made not by asking, “Will this make me happy?”, but “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?” We’re terrible at predicting what will make us happy: the question swiftly gets bogged down in our narrow preferences for security and control. But the enlargement question elicits a deeper, intuitive response. You tend to just know whether, say, leaving or remaining in a relationship or a job, though it might bring short-term comfort, would mean cheating yourself of growth. (Relatedly, don’t worry about burning bridges: irreversible decisions tend to be more satisfying, because now there’s only one direction to travel – forward into whatever choice you made.)

Good luck OP.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/12/2022 06:00

He’s reacting the way he is because he knows that he’s losing control of you - the abusive behaviour is all about keeping control and now you’re challenging that. I suspect he knows that once you have a bit of distance you’ll see even more clearly just how limited your life is with him, he won’t know what you’re doing when you’re away and will try to exert his control even more.

Yes separating is difficult, but you’ve done the hardest part, which is to give yourself options that don’t include him. Imagine how free you’ll be without watching over your shoulder all the time - he is, and that’s what he’s reacting to.

SHNBV · 30/12/2022 06:12

I come from a family with a long line of abusive men. Men who are abusive as;

1.They have undiagnosed and I unmedicated ADHD, which impacts their emotional regulation and impulse control
2.They are repeating taught behaviour from their own childhoods

I am medicated but can repeat the abusive behaviours I was exposed to over and over again when I am tired and overwhelmed. As such, I’m aware with the right medication and a desire to change the abusive patterns don’t have to continue.

My OH is friends with a man who spent time in prison for attempted murder. He behaved in this way as he’d grown up in a violent home before being placed in care. Prison transformed his life and he’s now able to implement the anger management techniques he was taught and earns just shy of 6 figures managing a large team of people.

A leopard can change his spots but they have to want to. It does sound like you OH isn’t willing/ready to change

Limpshade · 30/12/2022 06:19

Even at his grovelling "best" he is still unwilling to relocate or wait for you, and has made it clear he won't be happy unless everything stays the way he wants it. If this is his "best", then his worst must be awful.

Please go for the job and start your new and exciting life away from this man.

Weatherwax13 · 30/12/2022 06:28

Take the job. I think you'll bitterly regret it if you don't and the relationship will die anyway as you'll come more and more to resent him for the missed opportunity - particularly as he'll revert to type as soon as he knows its too late for you to go.

dolor · 30/12/2022 06:29

SHNBV · 30/12/2022 06:12

I come from a family with a long line of abusive men. Men who are abusive as;

1.They have undiagnosed and I unmedicated ADHD, which impacts their emotional regulation and impulse control
2.They are repeating taught behaviour from their own childhoods

I am medicated but can repeat the abusive behaviours I was exposed to over and over again when I am tired and overwhelmed. As such, I’m aware with the right medication and a desire to change the abusive patterns don’t have to continue.

My OH is friends with a man who spent time in prison for attempted murder. He behaved in this way as he’d grown up in a violent home before being placed in care. Prison transformed his life and he’s now able to implement the anger management techniques he was taught and earns just shy of 6 figures managing a large team of people.

A leopard can change his spots but they have to want to. It does sound like you OH isn’t willing/ready to change

This is not an apologist thread for men that behave like arseholes. Take that elsewhere.

-someone with unmedicated ADHD.

OP, Do not throw away this excellent opportunity to be happy and away from this shit of a man. Relocate, start your new job, and cut him out of the equation.

GracePooleslaugh · 30/12/2022 06:36

Go take the job and thank your lucky stars you aren't tied to him for the rest of your life because you have a child together.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2022 06:41

I suspect the tears are for himself as he's now going to have to go to the trouble of finding someone else to tolerate his abusive behaviour.

You have 2 huge advantages here: no children to worry about and a new job far away. Don't throw them away: this is your chance to break free and hopefully once the dust settles, your only regret will be that you didn't leave any sooner.

Judgyjudgy · 30/12/2022 06:41

Wow so exciting OP! What an opportunity, take it and don't look back!

ZaraMuhammad · 30/12/2022 06:42

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autienotnaughty · 30/12/2022 06:51

He doesn't sound like he cares much about what you want and what's best for you. Firstly he tells you he doesn't care what you do. They when you do it and have this exciting new opportunity he tells you not to go and he will change. But then when you suggest going and doing long distance he tells you it don't work. He wants it all on his terms. I'd genuinely go and either end the relationship or see if he's willing to step up and be better. Either way look out for yourself.

Tickledtrout · 30/12/2022 07:07

Take the job. He knows where to find you if he is serious about changing. And insist on couple counselling if that happens.

Good luck OP. Daunting but exciting too. Congratulations on the job offer

CakeMonster100 · 30/12/2022 07:10

@LadyB156 you don't have kids together yet? Just go. But please double up on any contraception before you do and make sure it's somewhere it can't be tampered with.

mrsbitaly · 30/12/2022 07:16

This is the time to do something for yourself, this is a fantastic opportunity to start over if you want to. It's hard when you love someone and harder when they promise to change. But it should never be a case that someone has to change he should be treating you the way you deserve. it shouldn't take you wanting to relocate for him to decide he wants to treat you better. Like you said he's capable as he can do it with others so why can he not give you the same respect? Things may change initially but I find it doesn't take long for partners to fall back to how they were once they feel comfortable. Maybe a break will help both of you evaluate what you want. I wish you all the best