I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

It's good to hear your update and see how much stronger you are but I'm sorry the house is still tying you together. Hopefully you will get a buyer that wants to proceed quickly which will help.

I sometimes look at these threads and see how close it is for women to end up staying, a real sliding doors moment. Just think if you hadn't seen that job advert 😮

No surprises there ! he was always a selfish bully !
Grit your teeth & keep grey rocking, decide if you are better off, or not, fighting over these possessions & whether "peace" & you mental health is more important ?
personally I would fight, as he has already had an excellent deal

Hold on to the "truly feeling like I am in a much better place."
Soon this will be over.......and, breath !

I never posted on your thread @LadyB156 but I followed it from start to finish and took great heart from it because I was going through a similar thing at the time. You seemed to cope so well with building a new life for yourself and I have tried (though often failed) to channel some of that energy in my own situation. It's so nice that you come back to update once in a while, as there must be many MNers who were rooting for you and are glad to hear how you're doing.

What you say about not knowing how you ever put up with him really resonates for me and @Pixiedust1234 is right about the sliding doors moments. You have to trust your gut before your head or heart are really on board, but once they catch up omg, how grateful you are for your gut!

I think with bad break-ups we go round and round in a spiral for a while, going over old ground but hopefully performing at a slightly higher level each time until eventually we no longer need or remember to stick to that old territory and can fly onwards. I'm still going over old ground but it sounds as though you're nearly ready to leave the sector, so kudos to you and good luck.

I will reread your thread now it's popped up, because you were so fab and inspirational.

Thank you so much for updating! I have been wondering how you were doing.

@Pixiedust1234 I know! I couldn’t imagine what my life would be if it wasn’t the case. The job made it so much easier.

@Mix56 part of me does want to fight because I think he deserves it! Tbh, after speaking to one of my friends I think I am going to fly back and store as much stuff as I can between friends and family and one of my friends has offered to sell the stuff I don’t want for me. It makes the most sense. I just have to come back to move it all, because it’s not fair for others to have to do it for me.

@OldCrocks thank you for your kind words and I hope that you are able to move forward as you need. It’s really hard at times but I’ve never regretted leaving him. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom.

The last year and a bit has really taught me a lot about myself. I’ve got a really good group of girlfriends, I’ve done a bit of travelling (although not as much as I want) and I feel like I am really building a life I love. Once the house sale goes through it will really all be over. A friend of mine recently commented that I’m a completely different person to when I came out here, and she’s right, I am. I’ve also noticed my attitude towards dating has changed a lot too. I very much feel like someone has to fit into my life (rather than the other way around) and that kindness is such an important quality. I’ve been dating and each person has taught me a lesson in terms of what’s important to me and each person has been an improvement on the last. It’s also not a priority or a focus for me - a bit of attention can be nice but it’s not the be all and end all.

Another update - have been back and sorted through everything. Whatever I kept was definitely not worth it in monetary terms vs my travel, annual leave etc but I’m glad I’ve done it as he can’t use it over me. I’ve sold some stuff and my parents are keeping some things for me. Our house sale fell through but we’ve found another buyer. It is not as good an offer but decided to accept it just to get my ex out of my life for good.

i also started dating someone, and things were going well. I never doubted his level of interest, there was clear consistent communication and I liked the way he treated me and would go out of his way for me. It made me realise how much my ex lacked and how unhappy I was and what is acceptable / not acceptable (including for me). That man is not for me, we’re too different and I sort of knew that but was happy to continue to see him for now as I continue to learn more about myself but then he ghosted me after a couple of months. I was initially upset but that was more to do with the way he dealt with the situation than anything else. At the risk of sounding like a walking cliche, it has also made me realise how much further I have come because my mindset now is very much this is not a person I would want in my life and while they met all these other needs, they weren’t quite right for me and instead of having any emotional maturity when they needed to, they didn’t. I like to see it as another lesson in my dating life since my ex and something better will be along. In the meantime, I’ll just keep living my life on my own terms.

Well done you. I assume you won't have to return to the house for any reason now so you will never have to see him ever again. Fly away @LadyB156 and don't look back

Thanks for the update! You are a legend!

Well done OP, you have come such a long way.

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 @pikkumyy77 @Tae1

@Pixiedust1234 no, I have no need to go back to the house at all now and therefore have no reason to see him. I didn’t see him when I was back but it was quite obvious that his new gf has moved in. I did challenge him on this and said she should be paying rent and he’s said she is not living there and only stays sometimes. I don’t believe it based on what was there but have left it for now. I am contemplating taking legal advice on it because I think he’s absolutely taking the piss.

I would also add that even though I’ve come a long way, I do still doubt myself and question myself. Never about my ex, I have never doubted that, but in terms of how I deal with men that I’m dating. I read back some of my posts from last year with that guy I had a thing with and I know I wouldn’t behave like that anymore because I’ve grown as a person. Each person I’ve dated for a period of time has taught me something about myself and what I want and don’t want in a partner. With the latest, I did have a wobble and part of me thought I would be alone forever. He had treated me well, I didn’t think we were that well suited in some respects but we got on easy enough and I was willing to see how things went. When he ghosted me after not turning up for our date I felt awful but I do know that that behaviour is on him, not me. Once upon a time, I would have questioned what I had done to deserve that. Now I know it’s not me - it’s him - and something better will be on its way.

Just stumbled across your update and read your whole story.
You should be so proud of yourself and the life you're building.
I really hope the sale goes through soon.

I would be tempted to take the job secretly and tell him you haven’t. If he is satisfied you haven’t got the job and he goes back to being a didkhead then you still have the job.

if magically he changes for a good while then pull out of the job

Don't doubt yourself, you have grown enormously.
Growth doesn't ever end if you are lucky, in all our relationships, not just our personal ones.
You are still so young, and are strengthening your boundaries and self esteem with each experience.
It is really important you sincerely acknowledge how far you have come and not knock yourself.
There are enough people out there prepared to knock us.
Let the voice in your head be a kind one.

Definitely check out your legal position.
He is taking the piss.

I think you need to read the whole thread @Disappearedwife ……. Its moved on a little bit since 2022 😂

@Tae1 you are so right. For the most part I am proud of myself and don’t knock what I have achieved. I do have some wonderful friends around me who have been a great source of support for me and who build me up. It’s funny, this morning I realised it’s nearly two years since I posted and the me then wouldn’t believe my life now.

Its been an impressive journey!

Hasn't it just😁👏👏👏.
A phenomenal turn around.

I’ve been meaning to update for a little while and have only just gotten around to it. The house has sold, my money is in the bank and I never have to deal with him again. He’s engaged and when I found out I thought to myself I am so glad it’s not me.

Lately I have been feeling a bit down. I think going overseas has been great for me as I was able to get away from him but now that the house has gone and I have reached true financial independence I sort of just want to come home and start again. The selling of the house has meant more to me than I thought it would, and I felt quite emotional on the day it sold. I also feel like I can now finally fully move on with my life, while it was out of sight and out of mind it hadn’t really gone. I can’t believe I started this thread nearly two years ago, I’m so proud of how far I’ve come.

I think the feeling of let down at the mountain top is really normal. But you aren’t really at the top—you are just resting at an important plateau. Selling the house was big and maybe it feels like a loss. But I hope you can quickly move on to the exciting next phase: getting ready for a next house or flat that you can plan to make your own. I spend ridiculous amounts of time on the UK House snd garden website lioking at the decorative choices people make for houses snd flats I will never own! Very engaging and fun.

That’s a good way of looking at it @pikkumyy77, I expect you’re right. It’s a culmination of all this stuff. Dating isn’t going well. Well, I’ve been on a lot of dates since I stopped seeing the last guy but I’ve not really wanted second dates with many of them. We also live quite close to each other and go to the same gym and every now and again I get really apprehensive about seeing him, even though I shouldn’t.

I am trying to focus on making the most of being away from home and I’m going to plan some travel as something to focus on and look forward to. I do like the idea of looking for a new home, but I think I will rent for a bit when I come back before I decide where I want to buy. I do feel really excited about that part, and I suppose I feel like I’m a bit in limbo until I do come back. I can end my time out here sooner than I am meant to if I want but I am not sure that I should, and I do think I would probably regret that.

Sometimes I also feel really frustrated that my ex moved on before I did in that he’s now settled down with someone else. I would like to have done that first, but the difference is I’ve done the work and he hasn’t, and he’s a dickhead 😂

Its hard! You are still “getting to meh” as they say on the divorce boards. I think it takes time and distance to stop comparing yourself to that old you-who-was-in-a relationship. Or who seemed to have it figured out. And it definitely takes time to be able to see your old partner and his new gf and not think “that’s my old life/car/boyfriend” or whatever feels missing now.

I think it might be more petty than that and I just wanted to get there first 😂 I definitely don’t think oh that’s my old life etc. there’s no jealousy in it or feeling like I’m missing out, just that I wanted to be the first one there.

Sometimes I also feel really frustrated that my ex moved on before I did in that he’s now settled down with someone else.

Don't feel frustrated.

Feel relieved that he is no longer your problem in any shape or form (especially now the house is sold).
Feel pity for the poor woman having him in her life.
Feel the freedom of single life. Feel the joy having escaped. Feel the strength from being truly independent.

Your time will come. You've had quite a journey from your first post but it's not over yet

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 - you’re right. I mostly feel relieved to never have to deal with him again or have him in my life anymore. I think I’m starting (for the first time) to feel a bit lonely and that I would like to meet someone. That said, I absolutely do not want to settle or end up in a relationship like before and sort of just feel a bit like I want my time to come. Whilst I am away it does feel a bit like my life is on hold (although I’m doing plenty of fun stuff and making the most of things) and I do miss my family and friends at home. I think that’s probably a sign to make the most of the time I have left out here.