I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Everything you have written about your partner is waving huge red flags at me.
He is using every script going to keep you in a place where he has control to verbally abuse you, emotionally abuse you. He will continue to do this, it’s all he knows. He’s not going to change though it’s really easy for him to say he will.
As your new job won’t start for some time can you move somewhere temporary for now? Rent a room somewhere? Flat share? Friend? Separating while staying living together is really hard, especially with someone who doesn’t want to let you go for their own reasons.
Being physically apart before your move also gives you space to let go, grieve the good bits you had in the past, and get yourself ready for your new life. When you go make it a clean break, block his number etc…
I left an abusive marriage for a new job ( didn’t tell him I was going, he’d got too dangerous for that) Best thing I ever did. New job was very successful, did wonders in restoring my confidence, off it I eventually started my own business which was even more successful. ( and I was years older than you)
Put yourself first. You’ve plenty of time to get out there and enjoy your life, not let him make it miserable. Good luck.

If there's anywhere else you can stay temporarily until you move then I would - it's clear he is going hard on the manipulation tactics to try to get you to change your mind. At some point it will become apparent to him that you are not in fact going to change your mind - I would fully expect him to turn quite nasty.

Also, please take the dog - he doesn't get to decide who keeps it!

Haven’t read all responses but reading your posts I say congratulations on getting job. It’s difficult to split up but (I don’t mean to be patronising or offensive, I’m just an older person), you are only 30 yrs old. On balance, I’d leave him, immerse yourself in new job, do things to meet other people. I think your future would be better without him tagging along (hard as is it to part). I think you could well meet someone else and even if that doesn’t happen, I don’t think staying w current partner is best for you. Wishing you the best 🌷🌷

He may well be upset about it op, but he's not upset about his behaviour, he's upset because he's losing control.

I left my abusive dh, he then did all the right things, I went back, within 2 weeks he started to revert to type.

If he really had your best interests at heart he'd work with you on the move, he'd have a relationship with you any way he could, long distance or even move to be with you. Remember he has options, but he still wants it on his terms and isn't willing to compromise

I feel so conflicted - I think I know deep down that the best thing is a clean break. He has been talking about doing long distance and it’s only the change in his behaviour that is even making me entertain it. But I don’t know it truly will last. I’ve got a few months until I go and I don’t really want to have to move out but I can if I need to.

I don’t want to be difficult about things either eg the house I’ve said we don’t have to sell straight away as given interest rates it might be better not to, it’s up to him. Alternatively it might be better to let.

On the dog - he pays for the insurance, always has and the dog has a pre-existing health condition which isn’t excluded so long as he is the policyholder so financially it makes sense for me to. That said, he’s been working out how much the dog is going to cost him and it’s a lot of money so I’ve suggested taking the dog too!

Getting away and with dog would be great. You can leave all the crap behind

Yes, and new year - make some changes!

I am so sorry that You are going through this, But, as a former Psychiatric Nurse I say, Please Leave! Go onto Your Good Scary Future, take the Dog & Go! Good Luck & Fair Weather!

You need to keep reminding yourself of why you chose to leave. Assuming he is not a total arse he probably is sad but it’s not your responsibility to make him not sad. You are allowed to choose what is right for you and as long as you behave with compassion and kindness as you go about moving on then you are doing all you can. It is also worth remembering that his choices led to you leaving so if he is sad that is on him and not on you.

It’s tough, I remember from my divorce. The guilt is hard but it was fundamentally not working for you and you are therefore absolutely allowed to choose to end it and move on. Good luck with the new job!

@XmasElf10 you are completely right in what you have said - his choices led me to this and I am entitled to choose a different life for me. Your comments have made me feel much better - he’s not a total arse, so of course he will be sad. We have been very “couple-y” the last few days and even though he’s talking about long distance, my heart isn’t in it. It’s nice that we are getting on but it makes me so sad that this could have been our lives and it wasn’t. I really just need to say it, but be compassionate and kind and then also be prepared to give him some space after that.

A previous poster made a comment that I shouldn’t assume that I would meet someone else and have children, that it was the arrogance of youth and it’s really been playing on my mind. It’s made me really sad and I was quite difficult to hear and maybe that’s something I need to work through too.

Actually no you don't have to leave him IMO (unless you really want to).

You've turned the tables, well done you. I don't think he'll take you for granted anymore - it's very simple.

Congratulations on the new job! It sounds like you are about to start a great new chapter in your life.

It’s likely he won’t change, but you can’t know the future and neither can he. If I were you I would concentrate on the practical issues involved in starting the new job but don’t feel you have to make any other big decisions straight away. Wait to see how your feelings emerge over time, wait and see how he adjusts in reality rather than what he is promising now and wait and see how much you enjoy your new job and location. There is no point putting extra stress on yourself at the moment. I would avoid selling the house right now, or any other big financial decisions. Just see how it goes for a while.

Men do feel hurt, genuine hurt, when they finally realise their partner is a real human being with agency and drives, wants and needs, that do not revolve around them. It's a hurt if the ego not the heart. He'll get over it - and just possibly be a better man for it.

You are fab OP and I wish you a wonderful future

I’m still feeling really conflicted. We’ve been getting on better than possibly ever - communicating etc. but I’m very aware that a few days don’t mean permanent change. He’s also talking about long distance and what that would look like.

I am also really struggling with family opinions - particularly his, which I’ve found frustrating. Admittedly I asked, but they’ve said they don’t understand it, they’re very upset and they think that when we saw them over the festive period and I knew about the job it was wrong of me to have pretended everything was normal and I should have told him as soon as I knew. There’s an aspect of my new role and move that’s related to what one of his parents does and he and I were talking about it today. He jokingly said he could ask his parent for me and I made clear that I wouldn’t do that, which led to him saying that they were unlikely to help me anyway. It just makes me think that after all of this, is there any point if they are going to have their opinions.

Sometimes I’m very much this is it and other times I am just really enjoying our time together.

If splits were easy ….

no one would be in unhappy relationships !

it’s precisely this duality and history that keeps us together with people

alot of sympathy

and from a more more grizzled veteran

i really hope you still go

His family’s opinions and the fact you might not meet someone else aren’t reasons to stay. Your relationship has nothing to do with his family. The fact it’s taken you leaving to get him to treat you with love and respect shows you how much he cared when he thought he could take you for granted.

If you want to give him a chance, agree to the long distance and let him do the running, but don’t pass up career progression for a man. I’d put my career before my boyfriend any day and he’s nice!

This is hard to read OP. He’s pulling you back in like all abusers do.

Please take the job and start afresh.

Otherwise, once the job opportunity has vanished and he knows he’s got you where he wants you again, the shit behaviours will restart. He will feel total confidence to be the dismissive abusive prick he was.

Don’t be manipulated.

OP, you want to have children one day, but something was stopping you TTC in your present situation. That is a huge sign that deep down you know you shouldn’t tie yourself to this man by having a child with him.

Right now you still have time to take the new job, meet someone better and start a family. But not a huge amount of time. So don’t waste any. Best of luck in the new job.

I was in ash it relationship and brought up getting a job in a beautiful city and just leveling up. This man had the nerve to tell me that I wouldn’t EVER accomplish it.

Yet I did. In record time I might add. Higher pay, and full relocation. I didn’t know anyone in this dream place to live.

I decided to go for the job and got it! He could not believe it. He had me so low value in his mind that he was shocked at my abilities.

So I left. I left and he begged, pleaded, all of the things. But I thankfully realized that I had made a bet on myself and I wasn’t about to tuck tail on it.

I left. More begging more attempts at control.

a poster before said it isn’t sure you’ll meet someone else, I beg to differ!!!! You’ll be meeting all sorts of people and you’ll. E on your own adventure!!!! It’s tough but not impossible and really it’s as difficult as you make it. You CAN do this.

One of the main things that kept me resolute was that he said and seemed to change when I was walking away. That meant he had that power and even in my suffering didn’t give a shit enough to change. He only wanted to do it when it meant HE would be in pain.

Go forth, you will actually find someone wonderful (especially if you are ruthless and trash these men the moment they aren’t genuine and loving) and you will see that freedom from this kind of man is happiness.

You have no future with this man. You don't want children with him any more but you do want children. That means you have to leave to be able to find someone else, someone you deserve. Dont stay as he won't change unless its for worse now he sees you trapped with him. Thats is no life.

Agree to try long distance. You only have to try for a week or a month, but it will make the last few weeks together less stressful.

Regarding the dog insurance. Could he keep/pay for the plan and add your name to it to make it joint, and you transfer the payments directly to him. After a year his name could be dropped and you pay direct to the insurers?

@Pixiedust1234 is completely right.

agree to long distance. You need to get out safe. You can decide on things once you’re out of your current situation.

He might have the hubris to believe that he can guilt you back or even bigger ego energy thinking you won’t make it on your own. The key here is that he will feel has some control.

please just get out safe. Seriously. You might find many of us overactive and alarmist but I can’t tell you from life experience that these men can and will surprise you with their anger. Out of nowhere like a dangerous dog.

I think that you know your relationship is over. If you were happy you would be staying in your current job and probably TTC say in the next year. You have realised what type of man you married and your no longer going to put up with his verbal abuse and general lack of effort he is willing to make for you.
He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear and making a bit more effort with you now but I feel that just doing this to keep you with him.

You saw this job opportunity and realised that you could do this job. Its giving you a great chance to move away from him and to make a fresh start. I would let him keep the dog as finding a place to rent with a pet can be hard.

I know it not easy to end a long relationship but you need to consider your own future and long term happiness.

Thanks for your comments, they’ve been really helpful. I think you’re right that deep down I’m ready for this to be over and in my head I know it is but the actual living it is very different. To be clear, I am still taking the job. I’ve said I am and signed all the paperwork. I have a couple of months to finish up in my current role before I go - it’s an internal role but will be international and I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m so excited and a little bit scared at the same time.

As pp have said, he is behaving like this now when he could have been like this before. He says it’s because he’s working less (which was part of the problem) and it’s a normal life he’s wanted for so long, that he had always planned for this to be the case for 2023 as he has deliberately wound down some work hit his saving target. I don’t think I ever want to see his family again, or friends. I feel like they think I’m an “wicked witch” for doing what I did when they couldn’t be more wrong. He also hasn’t told them that we’ve been doing things like going for walks and domestic house stuff together and I find that a bit odd. All of this is something that I am truly struggling with along with the fact we’ve been together for so long, I’m just used to him being around.

In a sense, part of me thinks that agreeing to long distance and seeing how it goes might be easier from a practical perspective but part of me wants a clean break. The way I feel each day changes. There’s no point in selling the house right now and all the logistics can be dealt with remotely as needed.

I’ve agreed to let him keep the dog as I’m not sure how things work for it all with the new job and with all the “newness” of it all, it might be better to not have a tie in the same way as a dog is. It probably says a lot that I’m more devastated about leaving the dog.

Problem is that you could throw away this opportunity and then it's just back to them same old with him. It may be that he is losing control of you that he is panicking.