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Original poster

Boyfriend bought me sexy underwear

132 replies

kellid · 25/12/2022 23:11

So my boyfriend of 5 years gave me a cheap love honey Lacey body for Christmas and I'm a bit upset. It wasn't the only thing he got me, but my face lit up when he said that he had an extra gift for me, once the kids were upstairs...

I feel cheap and disrespected 😢

AIBU?

OP posts:
crispsandnuts · 26/12/2022 07:31

MidnightMeltdown · 26/12/2022 05:17

Ewww gross... I wouldn't be at all happy to receive something like that as a Christmas gift either, it would give me pervy old man vibes

It's a gift for him, not for you. If I wear something like that, then it has to be something that I've chosen because I feel good in it.

If dp bought it and just expected me to wear it then I would feel objectified. I totally get it op. Hope that you chucked it straight in the bin!

Bit excessive chucking it in the bin.
How about tactfully saying it's not your size/style but could choose something else together. I think it's about lack of communication of or understanding but can easily to sorted with a chat.

My DP loves me wearing anything which would be classed on here as a 'sex gift for him' by the pearl wearers. However he wouldn't attempt to buy anything like that without checking what I liked. Just talk to him, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel 'disrespected' to the point of chucking it in bin.

Some women on here crave any sort of sexual effort, attraction and feeling of being wanted and lusted after.

houseonthehill · 26/12/2022 07:33

It's just a mistake, nothing more profound. Hopefully he'll learn that it's a risky/complex business buying such things as gifts.

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2022 07:46

It's clearly present for him and not you.

FirstTimeMaybes · 26/12/2022 07:55

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2022 00:39

But why at Christmas? He can just buy it any other time if they’ve been discussing spicing things up a bit or something. As a couple. A Christmas present is for the receiver to enjoy. Love honey stuff is tasteless cheap and nasty shite. He could have bought her underwear that was nice, classy, luxury type of stuff that is actually comfortable to wear as well as sexy. Not crotchless lacy panties that give you thrush.

I'd have thought pants with no crotch would be the least likely to cause thrush.....

Anyway.

I'm really surprised by some of the replies here.

I knew there were plenty of pearl clutchers on MN but (unless there's a backstory) I really don't see how one sex Christmas gift is such an issue.

If this were a gift from my DH to me then it would be because he'd have seen the item and thought it would look good on me and want to see me in it before/during sex.

Let's not pretend that we expect men to know there are luxury underwear brands and LH is cheap shite. That's just classic MN deliberate obtuse/snobbery.

On my side of the fence (As a wife who received underwear yesterday which I have no doubt was bought for me to wear so my husband can look/take photos/have sex with me wearing) I was grateful for the sexy underwear.

This is coming from a relationship where if at any point one of us is uncomfortable or doesn't want sex it's fine.

But to me the underwear was my husband saying "I love you. You're super hot. You're the only person in the world I'd get this for. Here's a promise of some great times ahead."

So yes while he will get enjoyment from me wearing the underwear it's also going to lead to me having a great time.

It's like saying if DH buys us a day out then it's a cop out if he goes too.

Without knowing any sort of relationship backstory then labelling a partner negatively for buying underwear is really a stretch too far.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/12/2022 07:58

If your relationship is generally healthy and you have a mutually fulfilling and fun sex live then YABU, but if he's a dick generally and your sex life is lacking then YANBU this was a poor gift.

LovelyDaaling · 26/12/2022 08:15

This was a present to himself. Maybe it's single use- he just wants to rip it off you!
By saying he'd got you an extra present, he raised your expectations which was a mistake. He should have called it a joint present.

Ws2210 · 26/12/2022 08:25

Jesus what the hell has happened to mumsnet?! It used to be full of women who were critical thinkers and/or feminists. I completely get why you feel disrespected OP. It's tacky and objectifying, sexy underwear reinforces the idea that women are objects to be looked at. A PP put it perfectly when she said (something like) we don't expect men to dress up in itchy man made fabrics and parade around as wank fodder. Sex is about connection and mutuality not about servicing someone elses needs.

Summerishere123 · 26/12/2022 08:31

This is obviously a reflection of your relationship. DH and I enjoy lots of stuff like this, often send each other links on love honey and had an advent calendar from them this year.
If I was presented with this I would take it as an invitation for a fun evening.

EmmaAgain22 · 26/12/2022 08:34

GhostCastle · 25/12/2022 23:23

Stuff a pillow inside it then leave it on his side of the bed.😂 Draw a face on it if you are feeling creative.

I love this!

Hadtochangeforthisone · 26/12/2022 08:49

Bloody hell some people are really hard work. Ridiculous comments about 'transactional' presents etc . Seems like the professionally offended are out in force.

Like the underwear ?then say thank you. Don't like it ? Smile and put it at the back of the drawer. Then when festivities are over have a word about what your preferences are.

As for 'transactional' did you not realise that relationships involve sex along with a million other transactions ? You love him and do nice things for him. He loves you and does nice things for you. Relationships breakdown when one party no longer wishes to 'transact' with the other .

Spanky123 · 26/12/2022 08:56

Time to break up with that horrid man!

DillDanding · 26/12/2022 09:02

I love getting (expensive) underwear from my dh.

ThisTimeNext · 26/12/2022 09:03

I loved it when DP did that. He saw me as more than "just" his partner of years and mother of the children. We always then made time for me to wear it. And I bought him chocolate body paint - among other things!! The presents were clearly for both of us - and sex was good. (In the end it's why we first got together - we fancied each other

But if you don't like it, if he misjudged or if you don't have that kind of relationship - then simply say it's not for you and ask that he doesn't do it again.

Doesn't make him a monster. (But if the relationship is not in a good place anyway , then Christmas presents are neither here nor there really.)

RedHelenB · 26/12/2022 09:04

Coffeellama · 25/12/2022 23:13

YABU… I can’t see how it’s disrespectful

This. Thought it standard fare for boyfriend/girlfriend. You get them aftershave they get you sexy underwear/ perfume?

Runningintolife · 26/12/2022 09:08

Doesn't really matter what others perspectives are OP. What do you want to do - ignore it, tell him you felt disrespected, dump him. Do what you want but don't wear it unless that's a you decision not just because he bought it or because other people think its OK.

curvymumma79 · 26/12/2022 09:12

It's no wonder that men feel that they sometimes can't win.

He went out of his way, to get you something, a surprise that you could both enjoy 😉 and your blasting him for him.

LimePickles · 26/12/2022 09:15

I’d think of it as gift for me. I really fancy my DH and look forward to having sex with him a lot - I would like to wear something he had chosen, it would be fun.

It doesn’t sound like you are that into your DH.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/12/2022 09:15

Although I'm happy to "dress up" occasionally for partners, it's only when it's entirely my idea and not prompted by the bloke. I'm not a fan of receiving "sexy" lingerie as a present either as it always feels as though it's mainly for the giver's pleasure rather than the receiver's, unless the giver knows it's something the receiver wants of course. Very similar to buying kitchen equipment. Potentially dodgy ground.

FirstTimeMaybes · 26/12/2022 09:19

@Ws2210

Women can be critical thinking feminists AND enjoy sex with a loving partner.

In fact my husband is a feminist. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to enjoy my body.

Life doesn't have to be 'all or nothing' - sexy underwear isn't made to be comfortable and most people don't buy it for their partners expecting them to keep it on for long. So if it's a bit itchy (what DH might have got for me) or tight (the type of pants I've bought DH in the past) who cares. It's only on for 20 minutes until we're naked.

These things can co-exist with a modern, loving, respectful relationship. And I get really fucking sick of MNers insinuating that men like my husband are anything other than respectful and loving.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/12/2022 09:21

I hate that shit too. It shouts 'dress us for me'. Fuck that.

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/12/2022 09:24

I'd love it. It'd be on and mine would be ridden like red rum.
But we have a very very good, very respectful relationship and very healthy sex life!

Newmum738 · 26/12/2022 09:26

The first Christmas after I'd had DS, my husband bought me a vibrator. DS was 4 months old. It was a poor choice of present at that time! I told him how it made me feel and he was extremely apologetic. Just talk to him I would say! I'm sure he meant well.

RewildingAmbridge · 26/12/2022 09:31

I'd be fine if DH bought me some sexy but nice lingerie, something I would feel good in regardless of whether it led to sex. I wouldn't feel sexy or valued in a cheap nylon net body suit! Yes that kind of thing is definitely a gift for him, if he'd framed it differently acknowledging that maybe you'd feel differently, but he got your hopes up he'd got you something special for you, and what he'd got was some tacky underwear for him to look at. Completely understand why you'd feel disappointed and objectified.

gannett · 26/12/2022 09:34

The problem here is that the OP and her boyfriend apparently have no idea what each other thinks about sexy underwear.

Nothing wrong with it if you like that sort of thing. Nothing wrong with not liking that sort of thing. But surely it just... comes up in conversation? Or observation? It's absolutely not my thing because I find it too hilarious to be a turn-on. It's not something that turns DP on. We had a conversation to this effect after knowing each other for about a month (not a Serious Conversation, it just came up as a topic). Thus, sexy underwear has never been part of our relationship.

I'd be offended if DP ignored a preference that I'd communicated but if I hadn't said anything and received this, I wouldn't be offended. I'd say thanks, shove it to the back of the cupboard and then once some tactful time had elapsed, I'd say it just wasn't my thing.

RewildingAmbridge · 26/12/2022 09:34

@Newmum738 an ex did the same to me, at a time when our relationship already wasn't good. I told him it was like being told to go fuck yourself at Christmas 😂. I think that kind of stuff is better discussed and chosen together