Life changing news at xmas

[Moonbelly]

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

You can’t change him only your response to him.
What do you want to do?
Personally, I would leave until he has had treatment in a rehab facility, then decide what is best for your family.
It may actually be best to live apart.
Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

I'm so sorry OP. Addiction is very hard to defeat and many lives are cut short before someone is able to follow through and kick their habit.

al-anonuk.org.uk/ al-anon is a great organisation for family members and loved ones of alcoholics, I hope you can get support from them and from family and friends

This must have come as a terrible shock to you, @Moonbelly , esp given his young age.

I assume you will be having an alcohol-free Christmas today, and hopefully that will make things a bit more peaceful.

In 2023 I would make sure you are focusing on protecting yourself and your children. Have you had any contact with Al Anon? This is the organisation for families of alcoholics.

From the fact you have left him and gone back twice, I would imagine your children have had a lot to deal with already. I think you need to protect them from witnessing end stage alcoholism and liver failure. Hopefully that won't happen, and this will be the shock that enables him to turn his life around and commit to sobriety, but maybe it won't be. I'd suggest you need to live separately, so that contact can be limited if necessary in the children's best interests.

Hopefully 2023 will be the year in which he can take control of his addiction and his liver disease. But in case it isn't, you can only do your best for your children.

Sending hugs. And echoing @tribpot you can only protect your children from this.

If he gives up the alcohol he would likely be legible for a liver transplant. I think it’s 12 months alcohol free before you are considered. If he really loves you and your kids he will do it. If he doesn’t, leave and take the kids rather than let them watch the slow decline into liver failure- which is not pretty.

I could of wrote this post 4 years ago. I stayed with him as I loved him but as his health deteriorated I couldn't let our 3 young children witness it. We separated last year and he died of liver failure earlier this year. If you stay then please start protecting your future in case the worst should happen. I decided to put my children first. We are all grieving but they are doing remarkable in the circumstances. I darent think how things would have gone if I had stayed.

Is he still drinking? If so do you want your kids childhood memories to be watching their dad wither away and die in a drunken haze? Unless he stops drinking now, I would have to leave to protect my kids and give them a normal upbringing. They can still see him obviously but their happiness has to come first, your husband is an adult who has made his own choices. (I’m the daughter of a lifelong alcoholic with health issues etc)

I’ve told him that I won’t tolerate any More drinking and if he drinks again I’m gone and I will push for him to only have supervised access. I’ve asked him to write a will and I am trying to work out how I would manage for the kids on my salary - badly is the answer. I have a therapist right now but I will look at al anon. It’s mostly the grief of it all. That he has destroyed himself so fast and so far and I didn’t realise it was so bad. The betrayal and pain is excruciating. He was the person I trusted most in the world and two years ago I would have sworn we shared most things and all this happened and he has done a pretty good job of killing himself. I can’t take it. I think that’s why I came back. I wanted to believe he would beat it.

No I really really don’t. And I can see his illness already affects the, he mostly withdraws to his home office so they don’t see him drunk just a blank space and a tense mum. But my eldest talks about how daddy was nicer when he was less tired and sad and they never want him for anything just me.

How are you doing? Have you got peace for yourself? I just feel so angry and let down. I also,t feel like I would rather he’d cheated or something.

Thank you all. I feel so torn between you know vowing to love and cherish him in sickness and in health and how this sickness has come. It is very hard.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I fear this maybe me in a few years. I've always thought it. I've planned for it even. His dad died young. I expect it here as well.

Your DC have seen sensed and internalised enough dysfunction already.

He is absent.

You are absent emotionally from them when preoccupied with him.

They need one parent. Give it to them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is hideous. Having been through this with my ex it is painful and hard to watch someone you love destroy not only their life but the lives of their family.

My advice is to take the hard line; protect yourself and your children and build a life in which you can thrive - you won't be able to do it in your current environment.

He needs help and support to live the rest of his life in a healthy way. If he manages to do that, then he can be part of your lives, if not, then he can't.

Wishing you all the strength in the world x

You did make a promise to him, but you also have a promise to your children to protect them from harm. Honestly, I think telling him you'll leave if he drinks again is given him an easy out. What if by the time you find out he's drinking again he's so ill that you feel obliged to stay to care for him? Your children don't deserve that. I would reverse it and say he can come back to the family home once he has proven his sobriety. You don't say whether or not he's engaged with an addiction service, whether AA or other? Does he even want to get sober? It's astounding that, even at a time of obvious crisis, some addicts will not make the choice to reject the drug. I was reminded of George Best, who controversially was given a liver transplant after destroying his and was seen out boozing shortly after - thank god the family who donated that liver will never know their loved one's gift was wasted on someone who could not be helped.

I'm in a very similar situation as you but its my wife whos the alcoholic. My advice is to get him to give rehab a go, it takes about two months but it may well save this situation.

If he relapses then its time for you to leave.

lastly be very kind to yourself, this isn't your fault and you cannot change it and it's going to be tough to forgive. Good luck and merry Christmas.

I agree with them. One good and present parent is what they need, rather than one who is absent and one that is constantly on egde. In your case I would ignore the wedding vows, he has made it impossible for you to honour them and your children must come before him.

Thank you all so much, especially posters in similar circumstances.
to answer a few points, he was attending an nhs alcohol service for awhile two years ago - he claimed they discharged him for managing his disease well, with hindsight I suspect this was actually for being non compliant with a service that is massively oversubscribed. He has had a therapist since the first crisis to address his generalised anxiety disorder and depression but obviously that hasn’t helped with the drinking and he has begun attending AA since his last discharge. He was in hospital over a month so this is probably his longest period of sobriety.

in terms of my kids, I do put them first. When he is bad I send him to bed and stay with them, doing all the normal family things and deal with him once they are safely in their beds. I go to every school and nursery event, every birthdya party, every night wake so I am doing my absolutely best to be a good mum and give them a happy life. School and childcare are aware and keeping a close eye cos I informed them. As are the GP and the health visitor because I disclosed to them too. Everyone says they are happy well adjusted children thank god and I do want to keep them that way if I can.

you are all right though, I am saying I won’t stick road no look fawr him if he relapses but that might be harder when I am actually faced with it. I will give serious thoughts to the courses you suggest. It is very hard to grieve and be angry and be a present parent and work and plan for all of this. I wish I could put everything in suspended animation for a few weeks so I could actually think and process rather than just lying awake at night. Thank you all for being kind. I am, as you can tell, really struggling with all of this

He also vowed to love and cherish you yet he's chosen not to by allowing his drinking to get so out of control he's caused liver failure.

Echoing pps that your child needs one good parent and to give them that.

Speak to these guys, they're who helped my wife. They are amazing and will keep you in the loop regarding his progress, they will send a cab to and from your house so he cant get alcohol in the day.

www.uk-rehab.com/rehab-locations/essex/braintree/

The pass rate is about 30% but 78% the people who pass don't relapse.

Tel: 02038 115 619

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4327491-Please-help-me-leave-alcoholic-husband?page=1

Have a read of this thread

Im so sorry for your loss. You have been so brave to make the hardest decisions.
I hope you and children have a peaceful Christmas

It's very rare for cirrhosis to develop from a 'normal' level of drinking to stage 3 in 2-ish years, even if he was drinking vast amounts per day. There are stages for liver disease and the progression of liver damage can be symptom free for a long time.

You say the problem drinking started due to the lockdowns but it's highly likely he's been drinking in large quantities for much longer than than, and it just escalated when the pandemic hit.

He could even have been a functioning alcoholic when you met him and because it was 'normal for him', and you don't drink much, you didn't see the signs. I lived with an alcoholic and it took a long time for me to realise his drinking was out of control and how much of it was in secret.

What I am trying to say is, this could be a much longer lasting and entrenched drinking habit than you realise. If so, there is even more likelihood he'll struggle to give alcohol up. Whilst hoping he will and supporting him to do so, protecting yourself and your children has to be the priority. PLease seek help & advice for yourself where you can. The British liver trust has advice for those affected by liver disease and a forum you can join with support for the families & friends affected too. Good luck OP.

OP, I understand that you are doing everything for the kids and view that as putting them first, but you really need to stop them from living with an alcoholic. They will absolutely know that your household is not like other peoples households, or they will in a couple of years if they are tiny. Even if they don’t get to witness the worse of it because he goes to a different room, they will know that your house is one with secrets and tension. Please don’t put them through this, it’s bound to make them anxious.

Your childhood experience re your mother primed you further into having this dysfunctional relationship with your alcoholic husband. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and it’s still harming you. No one protected you from your mother and the dysfunctional relationships family members had with drunk.

You cannot protect your children fully from
his alcoholism whilst you all live under the same roof and keeping them in this environment will harm them.

you have a choice re this man and they do not. Do not make this their childhoods. This is precisely how adult children of alcoholics are made, do not give them
this legacy.

Seek legal advice re divorce, you do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge is power.
would you also consider attending Al-anon meetings?.