Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life changing news at xmas

201 replies

Moonbelly · 25/12/2022 08:56

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

OP posts:
Wavingnotdrown1ng · 15/05/2023 09:43

I’m so sorry that you and your children have gone through this. You have done everything you can to put them first and be the best mum you can be. You know that people on this board are here from you and use it to vent and say what you need to say in a safe space where other people understand. X

notapizzaeater · 15/05/2023 10:18

So sorry to read this, it wasn't him it was the alcohol that won.

justprance · 15/05/2023 10:30
Flowers
Darkroot · 15/05/2023 10:45

How very sad 😞 so sorry for your loss 💐

ColadhSamh · 15/05/2023 11:41

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 07:17

My MIl told me I made it all about me

very thoughtless of her but this is her child

No excuse especially when said MIL has two young dependent grandchildren who have lost their Dad. @Moonbelly rightly prioritised them.

Condolences to you @Moonbelly . You have some difficult days ahead but you are strong. Draw on the positive support around you and let others deal with any negativity.

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/05/2023 11:59

I'm so so sorry @Moonbelly . I can't imagine the pain you must all be experiencing.

Remember you did everything you could and more. It's going to be so hard but you will get through this for your precious babies. Everyone is grieving and unlikely to behave rationally. As they go through the stages there may well be a time in anger where some, particularly his parents that can't bring themselves to be angry at their child, may wrongly turn their ire onto you. Please never feel any guilt as you were not responsible for his choices. You loved him until the end, irrespective of how he behaved in the depths of his illness.

Look after yourself so you can look after your babies.

FairyMarie · 15/05/2023 12:11

Sending you and the children a massive hug. So sorry to read this 💔

Newyearnewmeow · 15/05/2023 12:41

I’m so sorry for your loss.
You have been so strong though all this and taken all the necessary steps to protect your children from it all.
Be comforted in the fact that you were still there for him, supported him the best you could and let him know, despite everything, you still felt love for him.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 15/05/2023 18:08

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking you and your children Flowers

TribeD · 15/05/2023 18:19

I'm so sorry. Its utterly heartbreaking and my thoughts are with you all as you face.

As a PP said, brighter days will come, but for now, look after yourself and your girls. I hope you have some support available and remember that grief is a strange beast, your emotions will be all over the place, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

x

trythisforsize · 15/05/2023 18:43

I'm so shocked to read your update @Moonbelly

That was very fast since you decided to keep your children safe at Christmas. You absolutely did it just in time. I feel so sorry for you, your partner and your children. Alcohol dependence is swept under the carpet in this country and ruins so many lives. It makes me very angry that more isn't done to warn about alcohol.

Telling my 12 year old that his dad had died was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I thought neither of us would ever stop crying. Just hug each other tight. You're there for them and they will be there for you.

I'm so sorry
FlowersFlowersFlowers

Mary46 · 15/05/2023 18:49

Sorry to read the update so sorry for your loss x

Blondewithredlips · 15/05/2023 19:09

I am so sorry OP. Utterly heartbreaking 💔

Daleksatemyshed · 15/05/2023 19:22

I'm so sorry it ended like this @Moonbelly but your DH's addiction was too strong for anyone to beat, even him. It's little comfort now but you have been so very brave and protected your DDs from the worst of this awful time. I hope that you will all come through your grief in time and have happy, long lives

LadyWithLapdog · 15/05/2023 19:25

I’m so sorry :(

MorningPlatypus · 15/05/2023 19:37

I'm so sorry xx

Fibonacci13 · 15/05/2023 20:00

So sorry to hear this. My mum was an alcoholic and got throat cancer as a result of smoking and drinking and died.

One thing I carried through my childhood was the thought that she must have loved alcohol more than me and my siblings as she chose alcohol over us. That's how my child brain saw it. Only when I was an adult did I really understand addictions and realise she was v mentally unwell and to not see it as a choice. Pls make sure your kids understand that.

Sending you love and support.

Fibonacci13 · 15/05/2023 20:01

Also so pleased you said I love you. I didn't say goodbye or I love you and it still haunts me today. Hug those children tight x

HateMyJobRightNow · 15/05/2023 20:44

I’m so, so sorry. Will keep you and your girls in my thoughts 💐

Original poster
Moonbelly · 15/05/2023 20:46

@BritInAus thst would be very helpful. Thank you

its been a very rough day. I had to identify the body and then tell my children. Who were actually very very calm at first so we keep coming back to it. Which I am finding gruelling. It has meant a lot to see your wellwishes and to those of you who have endured similar I am so so sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbelly · 15/05/2023 20:51

For those asking, I am employed and my employer is very understanding so I have some breathing room there. My husband was also still in work until the end, somehow, and had made a will though there are other hurdles to get through. My friends have been amazing today. Thank you alll and if anyone reading this is struggling with drinking, please please get help. I wouldn’t wish what my DH has been through on my worst enemy. Right now all I feel is the most immense sorrow for him and I hope he is at peace.

OP posts:
Cattenberg · 15/05/2023 20:57

I’m so sorry for your and your daughters’ loss. I know it’s a complicated form of grief. I lost a friend to alcoholism six years ago. He was also found in his home by the police. His doctors knew he was terminally ill, but the end came suddenly because the alcohol had caused his heart to become enlarged.

My friend’s on-off girlfriend had tried to care for him and support him, but he often threw this back in her face. They were estranged at the time of his death. They had no children together, however he had teenage children from a previous relationship who had cut contact “until he stopped drinking”, as his drunken behaviour upset them.

My friend’s dad was very wealthy and had paid for him to spend time at an expensive rehab clinic. Sadly, it was all to no avail.

I suppose my point is, there was nothing else anyone could have done. I don’t really understand why my friend chose to destroy himself, despite his children and everything else he had to live for. I only understand that he was ill and couldn’t recover.

My friend’s girlfriend (who I’m also friends with) was devastated by his death, but has managed to find some peace. I hope you and your family will reach the point where you‘re reminded of the happy memories and not the upsetting ones.

Waitingalwayswailing · 15/05/2023 21:11

@Moonbelly I am deeply sorry for you and your girls.

Very glad you have a good support network around you.

Weenurse · 16/05/2023 12:34

I am so sorry 💐

GrumpyPanda · 21/05/2023 00:57

Hope you're holding up @Moonbelly