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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life changing news at xmas

201 replies

Moonbelly · 25/12/2022 08:56

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

OP posts:
Ihadenough22 · 30/01/2023 15:22

Having read your posts you did the right thing around Xmas in getting your husband's parents to take him to their home.

You did the right thing for your children. They did not deserve to be in the same house as him when he is a heavy drinker and has the health issues he now has. You would always be on edge and worried about what he say or do next. Their would be as tension in the house and it would have effected your children a lot now and in the future.

I know that some people can be functional alcoholics for year's but as time goes by they have to drink even more. Their lives get messy because they can't keep a job, are short of money and can be in debt. Some realise they have a problem and get help and other people just continue drinking.

One of my friends had 3 children with a man. Over time his drinking got heavier. He is a function alcoholic. She was a sahm who was trying to manage in a 1 income household and had planned to get work when the kids were older. Meanwhile he was spending money on drinking that was needed to support his family. My friend told him to leave and went on benefits for a while. She then did further training to get a job.
Today she has a good job. Her 3 kids all have degrees and good jobs.
They grew up in a happy home even if money was tight at times.

Make sure that you take any help you can. Get family members or friends to mind your kids to give you a break. It ok to ask for a bit of help. You need to be physically and mentally well for yourself and your kids going forward.

SummerWinds · 30/01/2023 15:29

Your holding up well OP,

My advice would be to check health/ life insurance cover, are they aware of husband's isssues, are you still covered ?
Harsh as it sounds you need to protect yourself and your family home.
The situation with your husband is not within your control, as to whether he will stop drinking, so control what you can with regards to finances and security etc.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/01/2023 16:21

So sorry op. You are doing all the right things for your DC but I really echo suggestions to get to some AL-Anon meetings (online is very convenient but live is even better - tea, coffee and biscuits usually on offer!) Just speaking to people who ALL get it is an immense relief.

Your DH is sadly not making decisions right now - his addiction is firmly in the driving seat. Please don't ever believe that he doesn't love you or the DC. Love is not as powerful as addiction, sadly. It's not his fault he's an alcoholic, but it is his responsibility. Unfortunately it sounds like he's very seriously ill. You can only carry on protecting yourself and your DC now - he will either admit to himself that he needs serious help, or he will continue drinking himself to death. Neither of those outcomes are within your control.

Helen901 · 30/01/2023 17:02

Really sad situation. I fear this will be my DH soon enough. Hes in the functional alcoholic stage, still holding down a job but drinking an incredible amount. In total denial theres an issue. You sound like you have lots of support around you

Original poster
Moonbelly · 30/01/2023 17:22

@trythisforsize a lot of what you are saying sounds familiar. He is only 35 but is so thin and vulnerable to every bug for a while now. I definitely need some work on me, including stopping eating my feelings before I can’t leave the house.

there are flashes of the old himand he talks about love but I can’t trust it. In a weird way him moving out had helped. I can love him and grieve him much more safely at a distance

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbelly · 30/01/2023 17:23

Helen901 · 30/01/2023 17:02

Really sad situation. I fear this will be my DH soon enough. Hes in the functional alcoholic stage, still holding down a job but drinking an incredible amount. In total denial theres an issue. You sound like you have lots of support around you

Oh Helen I really feel for you. Once the slide starts it is incredibly how fast it all goes.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/01/2023 17:52

You poor woman.

How absolutely heartbreaking for you.

You have been so brave to protect your children as well as you can.

Could you arrange for him to gift them a necklace with their initials and his so they have something special he gave them.

Also a good photo on a good day?

A memory box can be helpful to give comfort to them to go to in the future.

Perhaps his parents have some things that could go in it.

I am so sorry.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 25/04/2023 18:14

Funny to come back here. My husband was hospitalised on Thursday with a haemorrhage from varices. He’s not lived with us or been alone with the girls since Christmas but he has been drinking. He’s had several hospitalisations and today I finally sat down with his doctor who said he has months, maybe weeks if he doesn’t stop drinking and it seems unlikely he will. He also said even with sobriety he would have a few years and would not make old age. He obviously is not coming home again but I am still so sad and now have to prepare and protect my girls from this too

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 25/04/2023 18:25

I am so sad for you all. I also left my alcoholic partner so my child would have some form of normal childhood. The unfairness of it is quite awful sometimes but you are doing the right thing, even when it feels awful.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 25/04/2023 18:26

Thank you. It’s been almost unbearable watching the man he was disappear. They are so little. Five and two. I hope they can have quite a normal childhood even without a dad.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 25/04/2023 18:30

I am so sorry it has come to this, and your poor husband is facing premature death because of alcohol addiction. Your daughters will be fine, they will grow into strong young women with you guiding them. Help them remember their dad in his sober moments, when he was a good man, and not now that drink is taking him away from you. Sending love.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 18:32

They absolutely will have a lovely childhood with a great mother like you.

Far, far better than being reared in a home with an alcoholic.

No comparison at all.

Their father had a very serious disease, something they will need to be told when they are much older, so they are aware.

Get as many photos as you can for them.

That is all you can do.
Well done for making the tough decisions required to protect them.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 25/04/2023 18:35

I am so sorry to read your update today, @Moonbelly

I don't really have anything helpful to say, but wanted to tell you I have thought of you since your xmas post, and admired how you were determined to put your girls first. 💐

RandomMess · 25/04/2023 18:36
Flowers
thatsahardno · 25/04/2023 18:40

@Moonbelly I’ve just read through your posts and couldn’t not respond. I’m so sorry to read your update, what a terribly sad waste of a life. It’s a horrific disease. Your children are so lucky to have such an incredible mother and it is not your fault or your responsibility that their father has succumbed in this way. Sending you very unmumsnetty hugs ❤️

Puffalicious · 25/04/2023 18:43

I'm so sorry. It's a shitty, horrible, selfish disease. I lived through 20 years of one of my bf's battles with alcohol. She moved onto drugs and killed herself (we're still.not sure if it was intentional), leaving 2 beautiful girls. She had every opportunity to beat it- a loving background/wealth/friends who loved her/ intelligence/ good health, but yet she chose addiction and it got a grip of her. We lost her almost 3 years ago and I'm still angry at her.

Sending you huge hugs 💐. Stay strong.

123wentaway · 25/04/2023 19:24

I’ve only just seen your thread, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such heartbreak. You have done everything you could, you can never stop an alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop.
Your DC will be fine with you as their mum. In time I can recommend Winston’s Wish if you feel they need additional support.
You’ve been incredibly strong, I left as I couldn’t stand the threats and abuse that went with the drinking. He died a couple of years later and had been offered every type of help under the sun — refused it all.
I wish you and your DC the best. 💐

Azandme · 25/04/2023 19:41

There are no words, but I'm thinking of you all. You're an amazing mum.

tribpot · 25/04/2023 21:38

So sorry, @Moonbelly . This is devastating for you. It feels almost a blessing in some ways that, if this had to happen, it is whilst your girls are still so young. But far better it had not happened at all.

Take good care.

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 23:52

I know one is supposed to think it’s addition and it happens to people. And addition is to blame. But it’s hard to not be angry at the actual person for letting it happen to them and for hurting everyone around.
I have never forgiven my father - he let alcohol slowly kill him by the time I was a young adult. He wasn’t around for me, he
wss abusive to my mom until she kicked him out. My adult relationships with men were affected for years.

OP - I know for you it’s something that will take a while to get though; and get over.

For your girls - this is the least bad outcome out of all the ways this
could have gone.

They are young, they won’t remember. They won’t have memories of drunk father thrashing about. They won’t wonder why he doesn’t love them enough to be the father they need.

They will have you and your love, and they will be ok. And you will be too, it will take time but you will be.

Weenurse · 26/04/2023 11:51

So sorry it has turned out this way.💐

TribeD · 26/04/2023 15:12

I'm so sorry - such a difficult thing to be facing

🌺

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 26/04/2023 16:42

Hi OP, I will apologise now for sounding patronising but well done you. You put your girls first and got them out of an awful, toxic environment. It is sad that they are going to lose heir father but really, what kind of father was he capable of ever being while drinking. I am sorry for them, i am sorry for you and i am sorry for the man you loved for many years but please know that you have done right by your children. Best wishes.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 14:16

Thank you all for your kind words. I really hope you are all right about my girls. I just knew one day that I had to pick them or him and it wasn’t even a question. I just wanted them to be as safe as they can be. It’s been so hard.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 27/04/2023 15:06

Thinking of you op x