Life changing news at xmas

[Moonbelly]

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

I was in the same position as you 5 years ago and needed to separate so I could focus on my 7 year old and my job to keep a roof over my head. My partner tried a few times to cut down stop but ultimately it killed him this year. He was 41.

Be lenient on yourself, you can't stop him being an alcoholic by being kind unfortunately, its a much more ingrained addiction than most can handle.

You are grieving early, I did the same but I am so glad I brought up my child in a home for the last 5 years without the chaos alcohol brings and my child didn't see the day to day deterioration that alcohol does to a person.

its desperately sad.

thinking of you

Thank you @Ontheup75, @GGlindara. That is what I meant.

If he really loves you and your kids he will do it.

This is not true.

Addiction overrides love and becomes a battle of pure will and grit and determination. Many,many people are swept away by addiction. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you or his children. Of course he loves you all. That's why its all so painful.

OP, what shines through here for me is the support you have from your friends and family (yours and the in laws). Which makes it sound like you must be a lovely person. Well done with all you're doing.

OP, what shines through here for me is the support you have from your friends and family (yours and the in laws). Which makes it sound like you must be a lovely person.

I haven’t read all the thread so apologies but I feel that we all have equally valid experiences and so I wanted to share mine not comment on others .
my ex husband was an alcoholic , he had been in AA for 2 years and I thought things were going well . They were for a while and then they weren’t and I suspected but couldn’t put my finger on why I thought things were unravelling . The uncertainty and fear nearly destroyed me .
I did all the things you described - keeping children away , not leaving them with him when I was worried etx . So physically they were safe . But the dysfunction is palpable and you can never be fully present because you are constantly on the back foot , worrying , protecting , pre-empting .
He walked out when he realised he couldn’t fully make the changes needed .
The children and I have built a solid , normal family life and they have had a much more worry free childhood .
Thwy have a good relationship with him and love him deeply and vice versa. I don’t know where he is with his drinking . And I don’t need to know tho he seems well.
We are safe , the children enjoy time with him that is not affected by alcohol . He remarried and his wife takes care of ensuring good time with the children . He is a good man in many ways - but neither of us could control his drinking .
protect yourself and the children . The longer it goes on the greater the damage . I see the residue particularly in my older two and that would have only been worse if we hadn’t built a safer emotional home for them .

And I am so sorry that you are having to go through it . Take all the help and support you are offered and keep telling everyone because people will want to support you .

Other posters are right to say that if he can completely stop drinking for a year or more then he has a very good chance (age, young family, no other health problems that you mention) of having a transplant and living a much more normal life.

It all comes down to whether he can stop.

He may be and he may not be (not for want of trying, perhaps, but because it is a vicious addiction). He will benefit from your support to stop. So maybe give it a year's trial period, on the basis that he does everything in his power to make a transplant possible in the future. But I think you're right to make it absolutely conditional on no drinking. Any slip up at all and you're back at square one, but with less time.

How are you doing today @Moonbelly ?

Sorry Motnight. I was really tired and feeling defensive.

How did you manage things like contact? I’m really worried about that

Thank you all for your kindness and your stories shared. I’m sort of managing on a top level and then these massive waves of grief and anger hit. Plus DC, well the older one, littlest is two, are asking more questions. I’ve settled for daddy is not well and can’t be with us right now but I do;’t know how long that will work for.
my PIL are here though they keep saying things like they won’t get in the middle which makes me cross. I don’t want the kids exposed to his sickness or to have to wrestle him into a&e will being told I am an awful person but I feel like I want and need to know the state of his health. Maybe I don’t have the right, that feels very strange after 16 years. I feel very hollow. And stupidly upset about the idea of “being alone” or my kids being “from a broken home”

It must be so hard but don’t think of it as your kids being from a ‘broken home.’ Instead they have a mother who was strong enough to leave, to protect her children from bad circumstances (living with an alcoholic/watching him slowly die.) You will be saving them thousands in therapy in the future and more importantly showing them it’s okay to leave a bad situation. It doesn’t make you a quitter, it just shows you are know what is important in life and your own worth.

As for being alone- surround yourself with friends and family for the time being and if in the future you want to date again I’m sure you will find someone worth your time.

I agree with this.

You need to reframe this that you have taken every step to keep your DCs safe and to ensure the best environment for their short and long term emotional developmental (which will already be compromised) which requires at least one strong dedicated positive parent who cannot be drained and distracted from this task by another parent who’s own priorities would undermine their emotional stability.

You need peace, calm, strength and rest to do your best job of raising your DCs in these circumstances and you need to actively source support from family, friends, organisations etc to help you through.

I was faced with a similar dilemma (not as ill) and my fear which I expressed on here was if I kicked him out their DF would be a lonely alcoholic living in a squalid flat - it was pointed out by MNers that if I didn’t he would still be a lonely alcoholic living a squalid deteriorating existence right under their nose 24/7. My only regrets we’re trying too hard for too long.

How did you manage things like contact? I’m really worried about that

His alcohol dependence was mainly 'spend most my time in the pub' when we first separated and he lived with his parents. So our son would go there as he loves spending time with them anyway and if my ex went out or fell asleep at least there were always 2 dependable, sober adults in the house.

As time has gone on, and especially in the last 12 months I had to stop sleepovers as his dad had seizures when his son wasn't around and I really didn't want him witnessing that. I limited visits to a couple of hours in the last year too as my ex was quite thin and weak by then. He always had lots of fun with his son though - they [played and talked and did love each other very much.

But he couldn't stop drinking and it weakens his body so much that he developed an infection and couldn't fight it, despite being in intensive care for 2 weeks.

Just take things day by day week by week and prepare your children's expectations. I spent a lot of time telling my son that his dad loved him but he wasn't looking after himself or that he was unwell. It seems mean but by drastically reducing my sons expectation of seeing his dad it made him resilient to not seeing him much - like it was ok cause dad wasn't well and he can't wait to see you when he feels a bit better. That kind of thing. I could be accused of glossing over it, but what else do you say to a 7, 8 ,9, 10,11 year old?
I never told him he would be seeing his dad until I'd spoken to his dad and knew it was ok and going ahead.
I also wasn't afraid to change plans and be flexible to protect my child. In the last 6 months my son had a phone and knew to text me if he wanted picking up early.

His dad was talented and kind, but he was held very fast by the addiction. My son now knows how powerless someone can be against addiction and I'm hoping that will make him extra careful himself as he grows up.

As I said, take it a few days at a time in these early days. Ensure contact is accompanied by an adult you trust, or you may need to be there yourself to feel comfortable. Whatever suits your situation best.

You will be ok and your kids will be ok - as long as you stay focussed on minimal outfall. You can certainly minimise the damage caused by this by ensuring as little drama as possible is made of this in your children's lives.

Wishing you all the best. Keep doing nice little things to cheer yourself and the kids up. Breakfast in bed, birthday tea (for no-one in particular), watch comedies to distract and laughter is a great healer, and lots of hugs.

@trythisforsize what a moving post.

OP, nothing to add but to say how awful for you and your children.

You sound like a great mum.

Your husband is so sick and its unlikely he can be saved by you.

You need to put yourself and your children first.
They need you well.
Accept any and all support.

They need you well and as @trythisforsize so elegantly writes, to protect them from this awful disease.

Wishing you strength.

Hello all,

in good news I have stayed firm and kept him out of the house and away from the DC. But most of the rest is sad or bad. He recently collapsed from another drinking binge, despite the cirrhosis. My MIL was combing the streets for him and took him into hospital collapsed. My littler DD has been really struggling with her sleep with all the stress but she seems to be calling down a bit now and I have been referred through the school for help for big DD. Lots of chats with the GP and HV who persuaded me to take some time off. I have told him I don’t see him returning to the house. But it’s all horribly sad and heartbreaking and I can’t believe that the lovely funny, clever,grumpy man I used to have has become this wreck and will probably not be here much longer

Dunno how I turned the underline on. Sorry. I don’t know if anyone will see this but it helps to get my thoughts out

I'm so sorry for your little family!

My dad was an alcoholic and passed away last week. It's not easy loving a person with addiction issues, and it's never gets better.

Big hugs.

Sorry to read your news, @Moonbelly. How are you doing in terms of support specifically as a family member of an alcoholic? Are you able to go to Al Anon or a similar support service?

Is anyone helping to take care of you whilst all this is going on? Are you leaning on friends for support?

His latest collapse is only more evidence that you are doing the right thing to keep him out of the house. Let the house be a safe haven for you and your girls.

My post has been hidden because it included a link to Al Anon <headdesk> so when MN get round to unhiding it you'll see two posts from me @Moonbelly but I wanted to say I was sorry to read your news and I wondered if you had managed to access any support for yourself, either via Al Anon or another charity supporting families of alcoholics. Would like to link you to a list but alas I can't!

This latest episode just proves you are doing the right thing to keep him away from the house and let your girls feel they have a safe haven. Are you able to lean on friends to get some support?

OP, you have my sympathies. I just wanted to say that he will likely be suffering from encephalitis by now, which will also bring on uncharacteristic mood and behaviour. May explain, to some extent, his hurtful comments.

I am so sorry with what you have all endured and to hear of the continued decline. You will all have some grieving to do regardless of the outcome. Let yourself grieve the loss of what should or could have been.

However you are doing 1000000% the most loving thing for your DCs. Just try to focus on that knowledge.

But this is huge and tough and I expect you are eroded from years and years of living with and escalating addiction - so please please seek support so that you can be there emotionally for your DCs even if you don’t think that you need it for yourself.

Thank you all for your kind support. My friends have been amazingly kind and unjdugemental. Nobody has criticised me which I was frightened of and they have been around for company and even fed me and the girls. I do feel completely lost in the mire. It sounds like a long time but I have only known for two years and I honestly don’t think he was fully blown alcoholic before that though with hindsight there was problematic drinking, but he wasn’t unrecognisable as he is now. Pathetic as it is I do still feel like I love him and having been together since uni days it is incredibly hard to imagine a world without him. But I have to. I feel safer with him not in the house, with his secrets not under this roof so I am clinging to the thing I know. My home and my dd are better and safer with him out of the house. I have not spoken to al anon though I have a therapist but perhaps I should. All the support through school has, as some of you have guessed,been directed at protecting my children.

I remember this stage so well @Moonbelly.

It's so, so sad.

I think of those two years where he was just about functioning, then not, as like a slow motion car crash. We could all see it happening, we all told him it was happening and pleaded with him to reign it in and live healthily - none of it stopped the end result. Then the sudden realisation that there's no way back and you need to focus on making a new life.

Be safe in your house, with your children. Your safe space. Just do nice comforting things, good food, feel good films, try and do things that take your mind off it, like plan a day trip etc.

You'll get through this