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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life changing news at xmas

201 replies

Moonbelly · 25/12/2022 08:56

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 28/04/2023 18:48

Keep protecting yourself and your children OP. Even if the varices don’t kill him the doctor said he will only have a few years left- he’s not going to get a new liver if he keeps drinking. It’s not your fault that this has happened. I’m sorry. Don’t be tempted to get reinvolved with him, you will be able to be so much stronger if you aren’t trying to support him as well.

PollyAmour · 28/04/2023 21:33

Stay strong, don't offer him any practical support when he's discharged, let his mum do that. It's a sad situation but addiction is horrible, it's a relentless disease that rarely gives up.

Look after yourself and your children.

Moonbelly · 15/05/2023 03:19

It happened yesterday. I couldn’t get hold of him all day Sunday. I called the police and they found his body. I last spoke to him Saturday lunch time and thank god the last thing I said was that I loved him. He was 36 years old. They brought me his wedding ring. My daughters are still asleep. I will have to tell them in the morning. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
coronation2023 · 15/05/2023 03:27

What a horrible thing, just sending you sympathy in the middle of what must be such a terrible night
I can see from your posts what a caring mum you are. Your daughters will be okay and so will you in time

Look after yourself it must be such an terrible shock

Sometimes grief feels so very physical

BritInAus · 15/05/2023 03:28

Oh, @Moonbelly . I have been exactly where you are just 2 years ago. My DD was almost 5 at the time.

I want to offer again to be there if you need a friend to message or call. You said your friends are great... but it's a unique circumstance and you might appreciate a stranger to chat to, but one who has been through the same.

You mentioned too your MIL made an awful comment about 'making it all about you'. Sadly I get this, too. The inlaws were awful. Full on denial at best, spite at worst. They still haven't actually told my DD her parent died! I found out totally by accident (I had finally been brave enough to split up a few months before exDP died).

I recall that feeling well of 'in the morning I need to tell my little girl her parent is dead'. It was the worst night I've ever had.

But I want to tell you that it WILL be ok. 2 years on my DD is thriving, and yours will too.

The death of an addict, and a young addict, brings about a very unique type of grief. I'm here if you need someone.

Please take care. In the next few days you may feel all over the place. My advice is keep hydrated, keep meals simple but keep eating. Accept offers of help. If friends say things like 'let me know if there's anything I can do' say yes! Say 'yes, I'd love if you could take my DD's to the cinema or playground for a couple of hours one night this week' - so that you can nap, or just have alone time with your thoughts (I found getting out for a slow, short walk helpful to clear my foggy brain).

Take care xx

IttyBittyTittyCommittee · 15/05/2023 03:51

Oh my love, I am so sorry. My Mother died from alcoholism when I was 9 and my brother in his teens (back in the 1970s)

I have no words that can help you right now, except that I am thinking of you, but do remember your good times together, and remember there is plenty of help out there for you.

wishing you and your DC the best and know that brighter days will come, I promise. 💐

Aeriella · 15/05/2023 03:51

I’m so sorry to read your news. Take care. x

IttyBittyTittyCommittee · 15/05/2023 03:53

@BritInAus

A lovely message, I second every word of it 🌸

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 15/05/2023 03:55

So sorry to hear that news. Very sad indeed. You and your children will be ok and they obviously have a very loving and thoughtful mum x

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 15/05/2023 03:58

I'm so sorry to read that. Such sad news 💐

CoffeeAndEnnui · 15/05/2023 04:26

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the ghastly journey you have been on before you reached this sad day. Sending empathy and strength for the days, weeks and months ahead, I hope you will feel able to lean on the people who love you. Your girls are blessed to have a mum who fought so hard to protect them from their poor father's tragic choices. He was lucky to have you too. May he rest in peace. Take care x

sleepingbuddha · 15/05/2023 05:09

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Flufs · 15/05/2023 05:26

oh Op this is so heartbreaking. Wishing you strength and much support to get through this next month

Joystir59 · 15/05/2023 05:56

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/05/2023 06:02

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Be kind to yourself and accept help when it is offered, especially for your children. It's going to be tough for a while.

Wallywobbles · 15/05/2023 06:18

You've been very brave. I wish you all the strength and love possible to get through the next bit.

EvenLess · 15/05/2023 06:27

I remember reading your thread at Christmas 😥I am so sorry to hear this news. I wish you strength for the coming days, for you and your little girls.

LoonyLois · 15/05/2023 06:31

So sorry. My ex was an alcoholic and it’s just the worst thing. Hope you’re ok

sandgrown · 15/05/2023 06:36

Sorry to hear your sad news Alcohol broke my relationship and DS refuses to see his father . Look after yourself and your daughters x

Hippywannabe · 15/05/2023 06:38

I am so sorry. My son is a 35 year old functioning alcoholic who has recently managed to get sober (12 weeks and counting). What you describe has been my biggest fear. At Xmas his stomach was so swollen, I was afraid for his liver.
Thinking of you and your girls.

tribpot · 15/05/2023 06:39

So very sorry, @Moonbelly . Thinking about you and your girls today.

HelenaJustina · 15/05/2023 06:44

With all love and prayers for you and your girls over the coming days, weeks and months.

beenwhereyouare · 15/05/2023 06:47

I'm so sorry. From your first post it was clear that this would be the likely outcome, but I hoped for you and your DDs, and your husband, too, that he'd be able to stop and get better. Please take care of yourself; maybe with time the grief and anger will recede and the love you shared will be what you and your daughters remember most.

DorisParchment · 15/05/2023 06:47

I am so sorry. Sending love to you and your girls

Chchchchchangesss · 15/05/2023 06:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've done an amazing thing in protecting your children from seeing him deteriorate. You and your girls are going to be absolutely fine, you know. Once you get past this next few weeks/months. This wasn't your fault and there's nothing else you could have done, whatever your mil says.