Life changing news at xmas

[Moonbelly]

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

It is very hard to grieve and be angry and be a present parent and work and plan for all of this. I wish I could put everything in suspended animation for a few weeks so I could actually think and process rather than just lying awake at night

You need professional support for YOU so that you can find the mental clarity and physical strength to make the best decisions for your family.

Of course you do your very best single handed for your DCs. That’s not in doubt. But you are all carrying a huge mental and physical load which means you can’t give them your best - not because you aren’t trying just because it’s simply not possible.

We all only have a finite amount of time, headspace and emotional energy and resilience each day. If x amount is sucked up by your DH then your DCs have x amount less. You cannot be in two emotional places at once.

Your DH has made his choices at the expense of his DCs, his marriage and possibly his life. You have all to date paid a huge price whether you can see that in your DCs right now or not. Have a look at the support group Adult Children of Alcoholics to find out how this shows up in mental health in adulthood.

None of your DC need to watch what’s coming next up close. Please ask your DH to leave so that he can manage his health and you can focus 100% on your DCs.

Please get support for YOU - a therapist, Al Anon or other service to help you and your DCs through this.

I can update you all. He collapsed again yesterday. I took him to a&e and he berated me saying I was untrustworthy and he wanted to separate. I told him he wasn’t coming back to the house without seeing a doctor and he checked into a hotel. I have sent him his meds and some clothes and called his parents who are trying to get him back to a&e for a ct for two blows to the head but I cannot be responsible for him any more or expose my children to this. I am so sad and angry and exhausted.

I am sorry that this has happened right now but you have done the right thing to hand him over to his parents so that you are able to conserve your finite energy, time, emotions and headspace for the protection and support your DCs from this terrible mess. They don’t need to see any of this up close. They have seen and sensed enough. They need a steady ship now with a fully focused Mum - and that situation will be much more rewarding for you as well.

Please take up his invitation and run with it and don’t look back.

Please bring all of this out into the open with family and friends - it will be a relief and others can support you - some will have walked this path before you.

Also please prioritise putting in place professional support for yourself - you will need this to get yourself and your DCs through. Get a good lawyer on board. Work with a therapist and try Al Anon.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The body deteriorates and fails - sometimes even when the person has become sober as the damage done has gone to far.

Thank you. I had discussed some of it with friends before and I have told my family and my close friends now. I’m a pretty open person so I have really struggled with all the secrecy he wanted. I have a therapist and I have spoken to them.I’m going to talk to school and HV about support for DCs. Honestly I am not sure he will survive much longer if he doesn’t change course. He literally fell twice out of nowhere, he is confused and slurred and refusing treatment and I am not sure he has taken his meds. But he doesn’t want a wife and I have fully informed his parents so I can’t take responsibility for him.

there’s something about a bleeding alcoholic sitting in a&e going on and on about how you broke the relationship and are untrustworthy that is really pretty final. I just can’t see what he could say or do to restore a relationship from that.

Oh this is terrible @Moonbelly its so sad. He needs to get a hold on this but it doesn’t sound like he wants too.

i too have a “heavy drinking DH” or “functional alcoholic”. I fear this will be his future. It terrifies me.

how much would you say he's been drinking leading up to this? Was it daily drinking? My DH has started being very sneaky with his drinking. His glass never seems empty and i never see the empties/the sound of another drink opening.

Bless you @Moonbelly Unfortunately alcoholic people tend to be completely self centred (well actually the alcohol is the most important thing) and are very good at blaming other people. You were worried about breaking your vow of 'sickness and health' whilst he was trashing his vows to you and blaming you for it.

Whatever the fault, however, one thing is for sure - your children will be better off NOT living with an alcoholic parent.

I hope you are able to rebuild your life, just you and the children. Your husband has prioritised drink over you and the children. You don't owe him anything.

I’m so sorry

Protect your children. There’s nothing you can do for him.

My alcoholic dad was given 10 years max in his late 20,s and he is alive now 25 years later somehow despite all his alcoholic friends with less severe medical issues dying earlier.

But that’s not a positive thing at all given the damage he inflicted on our family.

he berated me saying I was untrustworthy and he wanted to separate

Oh it must be awful. It sounds almost as though he's given in and might be pushing you away so that he can drink in peace, whatever the outcome. So sad it's come to this, but good that you have told people and are protecting your dc.

I went to support groups for children of alcoholics and one of the biggest protective factors is refusing to keep it a secret.

its living with a family secret that leads to shame which leads to a whole host of bad outcomes for children. So if you are being open and letting family know that is wonderful and If the children see that that will be so helpful to them.

my mum was wonderful In so many ways, always taking us on outings, always there for us, home cooked meals etc. She also put him to bed etc. but I spent many years quietly furious at her for staying and playing happy families. My relationship with her is still recovering

I have really struggled with all the secrecy he wanted

I appreciate this is too late to be of help to you, @Moonbelly but for anyone reading the thread in similar circumstances - this insistence on secrecy is a categorical sign the person is not serious about their sobriety.

Your job now is to protect your children and yourself. It's great that you can now confide in your friends, and let them help you. Alanon have virtual meetings every day, you may well be able to find one that's running at a time when the kids are in bed if you have a look here.

What are ways that you can look after you right now? As you've undoubtedly been prioritising his needs over your own. Is it a nice meal, a good book, a long walk, some pampering time? (I appreciate that those aren't easy to achieve with two kids five and under!) Plan some time to look after yourself - you've been a warrior.

That’s a very sad but not unusual story @hban - and as you have shown endures through a lifetime of pain.

The partners/mothers have the best of intent believing it’s better to stay for the DCs and living in delusional hope that the alcoholic will turn around.

However they are inadvertently personally and unwittingly enabling the alcoholic to progress by buffeting them from logical consequences and saving them from their rock bottom - where they might (or might not) take another path.

All the while children’s childhoods / proper emotional development are not the priority

I would leave with the kids. While yes, in theory, transplants are available they are rationed - a 32 year old alcoholic isn’t going to get one before other patients even if he complies. In your position I’d be getting my ducks in a row - sort out childcare / job so you can support the kids entirely yourself. Get the house sold and get your share (at least).

I am so sorry. I have a great deal of experience of dealing with a drinker. Not from partner or husband but a very close relative. All I can say is do not blame yourself and do not think you can fix them as you can’t. No matter how hard you try you can’t. That is so hard to accept as I believed I could change them as they loved me. It took me a long time to accept this and a very blunt person who told me I was enabling them to be an alcoholic.. not that I was given them drink but I was covering for them. Doing them for them and allowing myself to do this was enabling them to carry on.
I wish you nothing but best wishes. Do what is right for you and your DC I am sorry to say but your DH is not your responsibility now. Your family and you are.

Thank you all for your support. His parents are on their way to take care of him as he is confirmed to have a bleed on his brain caused by the fall. I have told them they will have to take responsibility for him for the foreseeable. I am very sad.

It's a very sad situation. Who is supporting you, @Moonbelly ?

Oh @Moonbelly you sound like you have done enough for him. And are a caring and dedicated mum. Do you have some in RL support?

This is terrible and I hope the damage isn’t too extensive and that he makes a good recovery.

The bleed on the brain could have been caused by the fall.

It could also have been caused by an aneurysm due to excess alcohol which then caused him to fall.

Please let your family and friends support you so that you can best take care of your DCs - and let his parents manage him now.

My parents took the DC for a day and a night so I could get the worst of the crying done. My best friend arrived last night and is staying to the end of the bankholiday and my local friends have offered to come by. H is keeping me medically updated but also sometimes just wants to text and chst from the neuro ward. I’m trying not to answer the chatty ones

Honestly I would give your phone to your friend and she can delete anything that's not medical, to minimise how much headspace you have to give him at the moment.

I agree with @tribpot for your mental health's sake you need to detach a bit and focus on yourself and your children.

Let the true enormity of what he has done hit him. For all your sakes.

It’s great that you have good friends to support you and the children. Try to rest up these few days whilst he is in hospital because whatever your next steps it’s a gear change and you will need to take stock, get some clarity and resilience.

I hope you have some peace and comfort right now.

Op I say this as gently as I can, but it is next to impossible to be a happy and well adjusted child with a sick alcoholic as a parent.

I genuinely wish you all the best.

You are all right about staying detached. It is messing with my head.
@Motnight i’m not sure quite what you are telling me. That I am wrong about how my kids are doing or I am deluding myself I can protect them or what. Either way I think I must have read it very wrong because it just made me feel like you are saying I have failed them for having kids with an alcoholic. I didn ‘t know he was until I was half way through my second pregnancy. I had no intention of having kids in a bad marriage or with an alcoholic but things changed.

@Moonbelly @Motnight
I took Motnights comment as gentle encouragement to leave.
You sound to be doing an amazing job with your kids but now risk being trapped as he is now unwell.
You've done the right thing telling his parents to look after him.

That’s how I read it. That him being unwell might make you feel obligated to now stay but that this would be grim for your DC.