Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life changing news at xmas

201 replies

Moonbelly · 25/12/2022 08:56

I’ve been with DH 16 years and we have two DC 5 and 2. He was a big drinker when we got together, I am not. Very much a glass at xmas, birthdays and some special occasions person. Never thought much of it. Lots of our friends were big drinkers, my parents are a bottle of wine with dinner people. One of the reasons I don’t really drink is I can remember my mum getting so trashed she would pick verbal fights and I have held her hair when she vomited. The pandemic hit my husband hard. Unbeknownst to me he was secretly drinking whisky. It all came out when I was pregnant and I left for awhile but came back. And left and came back. When he’s sober he is a good and loving partner and father though a lot of that has gone by the way. I don’t let him drive us or have the DC alone. But it seems he was still drinking. He was recently hospitalised and has been diagnosed with stage three cirrhosis. In his mid thirties. Median survival is 12 years and I am furious. I have no good options through no fault of my own. I loved him so much and it seems like I can leave him and watch him die young or stay with him and watch him die young. He’s made supreme efforts this xmas and I can only think it’s cos he knows this too. I am devastated. Please be kind, I’m trying to reckon with my life falling down around my ears but keep a smile for Christmas.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 27/04/2023 15:14

Oh, this is so sad. I hope you get some more good times together. What a difficult situation for you all.

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 15:18

I lost my late dp to cirrhosis, it was a horrible death, he drowned in his own blood as his lungs started hemorrhaging due to his blood not clotting. He needs to stop drinking now to give himself a chance of recovery.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 15:58

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 15:18

I lost my late dp to cirrhosis, it was a horrible death, he drowned in his own blood as his lungs started hemorrhaging due to his blood not clotting. He needs to stop drinking now to give himself a chance of recovery.

I am so sorry. I think he is pretty much too late. His last admission last week was for haemorrhage from the oesophagus and required five blood transfusions due to the clotting issue. And the doc said to expect more bleeds.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 27/04/2023 15:59

My heart breaks for you reading this OP. Please do not feel guilty. Remember he made vows to love and cherish you too. He was not loving and cherishing you and the kids when he drank himself into this state, nor when he carried on drinking even after being told he had cirrhosis and median survival would put him passing before the eldest turned 18. While addiction is an illness, he has chosen not to fully commit to treatment. He is an adult and you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

His choices and actions mean that, regrettably, his life will end very soon. But yourself and your beautiful little girls did not choose this, and you are doing 100% the right thing in choosing them and putting them first. He is cared for, he has doctors and his parents. Your children are losing their father and need you more than ever.

TribeD · 27/04/2023 16:51

@Moonbelly

How are you coping?

I know that I was so angry with my ex, and then experiencing heartbreaking sadness because of the impact his alcoholism had on his children, family and friends but that doesn't come close to the emotions you must be coping with.

I am thinking of you and sending you the strength to process everything x

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 19:55

If I were you, I'm sorry but I would ask him to leave, I bitterly regret ds seeing the things he saw from dp drinking & when he became ill.

HowcanIhelp123 · 27/04/2023 20:04

@Nat6999 read the thread and updates, things have unfortunately moved on for the worse.

itsmylife7 · 27/04/2023 20:53

What an amazing Mother you're OP.
Your children are so lucky to have you.
Sending you warm wishes 💐

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 22:15

Hasn't he been offered any detox treatment or counselling? If he can stay clean for 6 months he can go on the transplant list. Is he having ascites drained every few weeks? I will warn you late dp's friend had the varices keep bleeding & he was found dead by his neighbour, one of them had ruptured ripping the vein completely. My late dp was end stage but was told if he stopped completely his liver would heal enough for him to live a relatively normal life but he was too pig headed to do anything about it despite being offered help.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 22:37

TribeD · 27/04/2023 16:51

@Moonbelly

How are you coping?

I know that I was so angry with my ex, and then experiencing heartbreaking sadness because of the impact his alcoholism had on his children, family and friends but that doesn't come close to the emotions you must be coping with.

I am thinking of you and sending you the strength to process everything x

I have a therapist. And I have great friends and parents who are generous and mean well, we don’t see eye to eye on a lot but they are here and they love their grandkids. At the moment I can barely reach my anger. I know it’s there but the problem solving bit of my mind is in stupid overdrive. Like ooh you can find a new person and somehow patch back together the family you wanted in no time. Fortunately the rest of me and my therapist can see that for me trying to run from the situation and is not listening. His family are all in the other hemisphere. His mother came but has left because she can’t take it. So I have to cope, even if I cut him off I’ll probably get the police at my door one day. I talk to him every day and I try to be kind. But he’s not coming back to the house and he’s not coming around the kids unless I am sure it is safe for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 22:40

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 22:15

Hasn't he been offered any detox treatment or counselling? If he can stay clean for 6 months he can go on the transplant list. Is he having ascites drained every few weeks? I will warn you late dp's friend had the varices keep bleeding & he was found dead by his neighbour, one of them had ruptured ripping the vein completely. My late dp was end stage but was told if he stopped completely his liver would heal enough for him to live a relatively normal life but he was too pig headed to do anything about it despite being offered help.

He’s been in hospital for several five weeks stays and been offered alcohol abuse support but nothing in house if that’s what you mean by detox. They have told him that right now, even if he managed six months sober, his physical condition is too poor. He developed malnutrition and is under nine stone of weight and over six foot tall. He’s also had huge muscle wastage and issues with his potassium dropping dangerously low.

he insists he will and wants to stop but he was saying that whole, as it turned out, drinking ten bottles of whisky in four weeks. Culminating in this bleed. Having already ruptured a varices, I am very very concerned he will share the fate of your do’s friend. And that’s another reason he can’t come home. My daughters cannot see that.

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 27/04/2023 22:41

I would discuss attendance at AA with him. If he agrees it might help (and it will) your area branch could possibly send someone out to see him at home. It is no good telling him to stop. He needs people who can show him how.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 22:44

He went to a couple of aa meetings but doesn’t seem to have made a connection. We can try again but my resources to persuade him to do things are limited. I cannot sit with him trying to bully and persuade. I have to keep my girls ok and keep my job. At this point, much as I don’t want him to die, he has to come third.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 22:52

I think I came back just to talk in one more place and let a little bit of the dark bits out. I am trying very hard to keep my eyes and my efforts on my DDs and the future for them but it is devastating. We’ve been together since university and the man I loved has vanished and I’m likely to be a widow in my thirties. It still feels unreal as I watch it happen.

OP posts:
Pyui · 27/04/2023 22:58

My biggest sympathies.
I think whilst well meaning people are asking if he has been offered interventions, I don’t think it’s too helpful to be having that in your brain right now.
Of course there are opportunities if he wanted to try but he clearly doesn’t want to and you shouldn’t be corralling him into it.
Unfortunately I too think he is past the point of a wake up call now. What an a absolute tragedy.
Your poor girls and poor you.

tribpot · 27/04/2023 22:59

This thread is for you, Moonbelly, and primarily about your needs. You know the three Cs, you know you can't cure this.

You're doing the right thing, protecting your girls and doing what you can to protect yourself.

Brieandme · 27/04/2023 23:05

I'm sorry OP. I have supported and lost people in similar situations (alcoholism is an issue in both sides of my family)
I know people posting about steps he can try are well meaning, but I think from what you've posted it's far beyond that.

No one in their right mind would choose to die young, or to have the health issues he now has. I can believe there is part of him that wishes this weren't happening, and wants to change, but that part of him is nowhere near powerful enough to change the addiction. Willpower and want are nothing at this stage. Drinking to that level his brain will literally be rewired to drink. Drink is killing him but while he's here, it's the only thing that saves him day to day. He can't live without it, and he can't live with it. I think the saying 'A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man' is very true for some.

You are doing incredibly well to protect your children as you have been doing, and I can only imagine the grief you feel for the husband that you have lost. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The feelings of injustice and powerlessness that come with having a loved one who is an addict is hard to explain. I can understand why you're in practical mode, but please try and make sure you have access to support when you do feel ready for it.

Nat6999 · 27/04/2023 23:49

Moonbelly · 27/04/2023 22:40

He’s been in hospital for several five weeks stays and been offered alcohol abuse support but nothing in house if that’s what you mean by detox. They have told him that right now, even if he managed six months sober, his physical condition is too poor. He developed malnutrition and is under nine stone of weight and over six foot tall. He’s also had huge muscle wastage and issues with his potassium dropping dangerously low.

he insists he will and wants to stop but he was saying that whole, as it turned out, drinking ten bottles of whisky in four weeks. Culminating in this bleed. Having already ruptured a varices, I am very very concerned he will share the fate of your do’s friend. And that’s another reason he can’t come home. My daughters cannot see that.

Show quote history

They should be detoxing him in hospital, otherwise he could have seizures, given he has been in 5 weeks, he hopefully has been without alcohol for that time. Hospitals have drug & alcohol addiction staff, they should be coming to see him & may refer him to see a psychologist to work out what makes him drink. AA isn't always the answer, it doesn't work for everyone, there are other organisations he can be referred to.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 28/04/2023 13:23

Thank you so much for the advice. I do and have tried to line up support for when I am ready to feel it. I was just talking to him and he was saying that they are getting yet more teams involved and trying to give him Kroc support when he is discharged but he just sounded pissed off about it which doesn’t fill me with hope. He also told me the varices are now “totally controlled” and he won’t bleed again which directly contradicts what the doctor said to me so yeah. Yet another reason why I am in touch but very much as arms length is it is hard to deal with how lost he is in his own head.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 28/04/2023 13:45

Moonbelly · 28/04/2023 13:23

Thank you so much for the advice. I do and have tried to line up support for when I am ready to feel it. I was just talking to him and he was saying that they are getting yet more teams involved and trying to give him Kroc support when he is discharged but he just sounded pissed off about it which doesn’t fill me with hope. He also told me the varices are now “totally controlled” and he won’t bleed again which directly contradicts what the doctor said to me so yeah. Yet another reason why I am in touch but very much as arms length is it is hard to deal with how lost he is in his own head.

Complete denial. If he accepted how bad things have gotten, he'd have to accept responsibility for getting himself into that state. He'd have to recognise the damage his drinking has done. He isn't ready to take responsibility, he isn't prepared to stop drinking, he isn't prepared to accept he has killed himself and is living on borrowed time. Addicts are inherently selfish, they blame everyone else. You saw that when he blamed you when you took him to A&E. He has chosen alcohol over everything and everyone, including his own life. Maybe in his last moments he will have some clarity, maybe he never will.

Keep keeping him at arms length. Get the support you and your children need. You've done all the right things getting this in place. Do what's right for you and them, not what appeases him.

He has his parents and his doctors, he has what he needs. Your precious babies only have you, and that is where you are needed. He will want you, he will want you to look after him, he will want to chat when he is bored, he will want companionship. But that's what it is, the selfish one-sided wants of an addict when anyone else can see where your priorities need to be. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Addiction is such a horrible disease and you are so strong x

BritInAus · 28/04/2023 13:51

OP. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My ex died a year or so ago at 40 from alcoholism. All of your posts are very familiar. My DD was 5 when ex DP died. I want to assure you that you sound like a wonderful parent and that it will all be ok. Please DM me if you want a friend who really does 'get it' x

TheMerryWidow1 · 28/04/2023 14:10

Thinking of you op, lost my partner to this, the varices kept bleeding, they can't stop it or get it under control. It was bad enough for me to watch/find him like that so you are so right keeping him away from the house so the children don't see it.

I too felt so much guilt and was made to feel guilty and blamed by his family, I was told I must be horrible to live with which is why he drank, which is stupid as he was a drinker before I was even around. It's a disease and there is no one to blame. All these years later I still miss him and love him. Feel for you so much. Sending you lots of hugs.

Original poster
Moonbelly · 28/04/2023 15:02

BritInAus · 28/04/2023 13:51

OP. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My ex died a year or so ago at 40 from alcoholism. All of your posts are very familiar. My DD was 5 when ex DP died. I want to assure you that you sound like a wonderful parent and that it will all be ok. Please DM me if you want a friend who really does 'get it' x

Oh my goodness. I would appreciate that. I hope your dd is ok. I am so worried about mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbelly · 28/04/2023 15:03

TheMerryWidow1 · 28/04/2023 14:10

Thinking of you op, lost my partner to this, the varices kept bleeding, they can't stop it or get it under control. It was bad enough for me to watch/find him like that so you are so right keeping him away from the house so the children don't see it.

I too felt so much guilt and was made to feel guilty and blamed by his family, I was told I must be horrible to live with which is why he drank, which is stupid as he was a drinker before I was even around. It's a disease and there is no one to blame. All these years later I still miss him and love him. Feel for you so much. Sending you lots of hugs.

My MIl told me I made it all about me. Which is just obsmacking. I am so sorry you went through that. And yes his version of what varices are and the doctors are just Miles apart.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 28/04/2023 18:28

Hi OP, I have no experience of your situation but just want to say you’re doing well in an incredibly difficult situation. Quitting alcohol is a distraction from the inevitable, he’s dying and preparing your children for that inevitability is all you do.

As frustrating as your MIL has been, it must be incredibly hard watching your child kill themselves and not be able to do a thing about it. However, you are not an emotional punching bag and her grief is no excuse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread