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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

253 replies

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 23/12/2022 17:09

Yes of course you must leave
He said he wants to stab you
hes been physical
it will escalate
your child saw it
you didn’t lay hands on him did you? He chose to do that to you

category12 · 23/12/2022 17:09

You need to split up. Sorry but he said he wanted to stab you.

That's very graphic and a real threat.

Plus the kids have seen the violence.

This is no kind of environment for them.

You're not putting them first by staying.

rubyslippers · 23/12/2022 17:10

He’s also minimising what he did to make you doubt yourself

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2022 17:10

How is this a perfect life?

Oomph · 23/12/2022 17:11

Either leave or commit to counselling with a deadline. This can never happen again.

as others say, how is this a happy life if your needs are minimised?

DarkKarmaIlama · 23/12/2022 17:12

Sounds like a disaster marrying someone you had never lived with. Time for a divorce pronto.

loveandwarmth · 23/12/2022 17:12

You definitely need to leave.

fairgame84 · 23/12/2022 17:12

A line has been crossed and there is no way back.
I say this from personal experience - it will only get worse.

xmaslurgy · 23/12/2022 17:13

He wants to stab you

That should be enough to leave

category12 · 23/12/2022 17:13

Oomph · 23/12/2022 17:11

Either leave or commit to counselling with a deadline. This can never happen again.

as others say, how is this a happy life if your needs are minimised?

Joint counselling is not advisable where there is violence or abuse.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/12/2022 17:13

You know what you have to do. If the child who saw this mentions it at school you’ll have children’s services involved and they’ll want to see that you’re protecting your child from witnessing and experiencing physical abuse.

Yes what you did was unacceptable and I’d have said at that point you need to take some space and work on your anger issues if you’re physically lashing out. However what he did was even worse and he was physical -not just near you but TO you. And then he threatened you. He’s a cunt.

I speak from experience, it’s taken me a year to get over someone like this. But I did it because I didn’t want my kids seeing this shit and thinking it was a normal or acceptable way to behave.

I’ve had wobbles along the way but only now, a year later, I can see that it was 100% the right thing to do, when my DS(18) referenced it while we were chatting about boundaries the other day and said he hoped he’d realise before it got to that point that it was a toxic relationship.

Of course it will be hard, he’ll cry and apologise and promise it won’t happen again (or like my ex. Say he can’t promise it won’t happen again, but that’s what he’s like and that’s ok!) but it’s not ok. Not even a little bit.

Knockagain · 23/12/2022 17:13

fairgame84 · 23/12/2022 17:12

A line has been crossed and there is no way back.
I say this from personal experience - it will only get worse.

And I second this from experience too.

GrannieD · 23/12/2022 17:13

6 months married and he wants to stab you ?? Get yourself and kids to safety. They should not be witnessing this

xmaslurgy · 23/12/2022 17:14

He has even told you to leave

Listen

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 17:15

Yeah you need to do what you would want your daughter to do. And you need to protect your kids. A household in which they see their mother picked up and slammed against a glass door is not a household that is emotionally safe for them, even if he is never physically violent to them.

But you need major help to get your head free of the emotional fog you're currently in. "We have a perfect life (when he's not threatening to stab me)" "I started the physical violence (except I didn't actually lay a hand on him and I certainly wouldn't be able to pick him up off the floor)" "We love each other (but he doesn't value me enough to go on a planned date night)." You will be trapped until you can let go of these false ideas.

Please call Women's Aid for help. They are working their phone lines over the holidays.

Tilllly · 23/12/2022 17:15

Better still, have him leave

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

DMLady · 23/12/2022 17:16

For what it’s worth I don’t think you should necessarily leave; it depends on your instinct, I guess, and things (despite what MN may say!) aren’t always black and white. In a way, I’d be more worried by him saying he wanted to stab you than anything else — but I’m also confused; you say you have this perfect life but earlier in your post, you describe your communication problems and the rough patch you’re going through… Doesn’t sound that perfect to me…

Greenfairydust · 23/12/2022 17:16

You need to report him to the police and leave!

He pushed you and made a comment about wanting to stab you and all of this was witnessed by your children.

Take your kids and don't look back.

He will do it again and it will be even worse next time.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 17:16

One of the kids saw this? Yes you absolutely need to leave. If not for your own sake then because otherwise you teach this child (and the others if they repeat what they've seen) that this is acceptable and tolerable within a relationship.

The fact that he is still saying you were "manipulative" in your reaction to his violent outburst is disturbing. Telling you to leave because he "wanted to stab you" is horrific.

Think about your children and get out of this relationship pronto.

Amazonmulu · 23/12/2022 17:17

You need to leave. He's trying to make you feel like you are in the wrong but it's totally fine for him to want to stab you. Please for the sake of your kids just leave right now.

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 17:18

And, yeah, don't do joint counseling with him. He's already gaslighting you, "oh I was just moving you out of the way so you wouldn't trash the house." Um hello he doesn't need to lift you up violently because you pushed some laundry onto the floor. There are other ways to de-escalate. Do not believe anything he says.

Original poster

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:18

DarkKarmaIlama · 23/12/2022 17:12

Sounds like a disaster marrying someone you had never lived with. Time for a divorce pronto.

I’m reading all replies I promise, but I meant we had been living together about 5 years not 5 months.

I needed you all to say this to me. I’ve been on these boards about 15 years and I’ve said the same to others, I never thought I would be in this position. DH is ex military / security background. He used to have huge ptsd and anger issues, this is like a flash back to the man he used to be. This isn’t how he usually is, but I don’t know how we put it all back in the box. We can’t can we? I don’t want this to be the end, how do you end it with someone you love?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/12/2022 17:20

I'm sorry OP there's no way back. Now putting his hands on you is an option to him, especially as he isn't owning it. It will happen again.

Andsoforth · 23/12/2022 17:20

I knew where this would go as soon as you said
we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

In a healthy relationship, people aren’t “incredibly happy” (or treated like a princess which is another tell) they just get along, with mutual respect, kindness, and very little in the way of high octane drama.

I’m guessing you learned some dodgy things about relationships in your childhood. And now your dc are too, so it could very well happen that one day you’ll be telling your dd to leave, and feel disappointed by your ds.

If you live.

He’s gaslighting you, but worse he’s gaslighting himself and that makes him very, very dangerous.

Ffs if you thought you might stab someone you love, wouldn’t you be begging a doctor for help, and reaching out to people to keep you away from your loved ones?

Leave.

Original poster

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:20

Tilllly · 23/12/2022 17:15

Better still, have him leave

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

He has said he won’t leave, I think he probably would if I pushed it, but he says this is his home and he’s not giving it up. He’s still so defensive.

OP posts:

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