Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

[Ineedausername2]

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

Jesus. It sounds worse with ever post. This guy is dangerous. If you can’t leave immediately I’d quietly line all ducks to go at the earliest opportunity

That's really sinister op. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Please call the police and tell them everything.

He used to have huge ptsd and anger issues, this is like a flash back to the man he used to be.

This suggests it's not the first time you've seen him behave this way.

Or was he violent to his ex-wife?

OP, you pushed some washing off - it is not proportionate to react with violence and a threat to kill. In front of children.

Who you then had to lie to.

And he blamed you for making him the bad guy. That's gaslighting and manipulative.

He IS the bad guy.

Before you even get to the violence today, you are describing a relationship where you cannot say what you feel - if you say what you feel, you are accused of twisting things and he turns it round that he cannot say anything right, rather than engaging with the substance of what you are saying. Your desire to go on the night planned when the babysitter was booked was quite reasonable and if he was not feeling up to it, he did not need to cancel completely and then get angry. You describe it as a communication problem but it sounds more like you are not allowed to say anything against him.

While throwing the laundry down was not really helpful to the situation, pushing you against the door and telling you to leave as he wanted to stab you was a whole other level of magnitude. He was effectively threatening to kill you. I get that it is a couple of days before Christmas and you want things to be good, but there is not really a way back from that - and he’s not even owning the behaviour, because he doesn’t seem to own any of his behaviour, it’s always you twisting it according to him. In short, the behaviour was not a one off, it’s part of a pattern. He just used violence instead of anger and words to put you in your place and make sure you don’t criticise him.

It’s 2 days before Christmas, we have only been married 6 months. That’s what I meant by incredibly happy - we have been a bit giddy, thinking how lucky we are to of created this wonderful life together. The kids are so happy and settled, I don’t know how we take that away from them.

But equally, he’s in the kitchen behind the sofa (open plan) and I’m paranoid as he’s behind me, and how do I live like that? Feeling on edge?

Ignore the doubt he is putting in your head about how much the police would belive you. They are (usually) well versed in domestic violence and I'd be prepared to take my chances before leaving the home.

I know what you mean when you say saying it out loud makes it real, but keeping quiet doesn't make it unreal does it? It is real. It has happened, and statistics show it will only get worse from here on in. Saying it out loud will mean the support you get for your next steps becomes real.

Look up about the cycle of abuse so you can recognise his next actions for what they really are.

I've been in your shoes, and got out a long time ago. The police were brilliant, I felt believed from the outset and they dealt with him well. He did try to continue to abuse us but the police supported us and made the consequences clear to him.

This bit is so hard. But we're here to support you as much as we can via a screen. The hardest bit is telling someone, then the support and relief kicks in and you can start the next phase of your life. It is doable. May not be completely smooth but the peace of mind is worth any bump in the road to a peaceful loving home. Good luck op

Just how happy do you think the child who saw you attacked is really? These are potentially ACE that can affect children's lives.

I posted my reply without reading your last two updates. You know his excuses are bollocks, right? You upset the laundry off the counter, it’s hardly a prelude to trashing the house - and even if you were about to smash some crockery or whatever, it still doesn’t justify pinning you against the wall and threatening to stab you, any normal person would try to de-escalate the situation and ask what you thought you were doing and stop now. He’s calling you a psycho to make you doubt yourself.

Is the house jointly owned?

God I have never, ever told someone I felt like stabbing them, no matter who pissed I was. Including my XH who cheated on me. And I'm willing to bet neither have you OP, because it's not normal!

I’m ex military with PTSD as is my DH and that’s not how flash backs work. Flash backs you are transported back to different incidents and you don’t know it’s not real. That’s when you can accidentally hit someone or run or drop and roll and so on. Usually there is a trigger for this…and an argument with your partner isn’t any sort of war zone trigger. So he cannot use this as an excuse. Sneaking up on a vet or waking them up suddenly can trigger a PTSD reaction. Similarly confronting them when they are having a flashback is dangerous…best to keep your distance and call out saying who you are, where they are.

You don’t “flash back to the person you were” because you’re still the same person. You have instincts and reactions that you have to monitor and control as a result of being in that kind of environment. My DH and I have never gotten physical in an argument with each other.

Im sorry but you need to leave. You are not safe around him and he’s playing a poor me card to guilt you into excusing physical violence against the person. What you did wasn’t that. It’s not even remotely comparable.

Is this the first time he has grabbed you ? Has he been violent before?

My mum used to say you never really know a man until you have seen them at their worst. It’s very easy to not have problems if you are compliant and agreeable. This is a dangerous man who is now gaslighting you to think you caused this escalation in violence. Your child saw it. Put any feelings of love/sympathy in a mental box to be dealt with another time and focus on the practicalities of leaving him. You need to completely emotionally detach from him and every time you find yourself wavering remember your child’s face when he pushed you up against the glass and threatened to stab you. You can do it, I know it’s tough but please do not subject your children or yourself to a lifetime of violence which is where this will lead if you stay.

Think about how someone else would react to you telling them this

It's all my fault because I pushed the washing over so he attacked me and threatened to stab me

When we first moved in together he was incredibly angry, he would shout in my face a lot - but never physically threatening. I was attacked when I was younger and hate being trapped in a room, he is usually very respectful about not blocking my doorways or anything even in the middle of an argument. We spoke back then (this was years ago) about how unacceptable it was, that he wouldn’t want his daughters treated like that and I wouldn’t stand for it. He’s not been like it in years, even when we fight, it’s just normal snapping at each other or whatever.

I don’t want to minimise my part, I was shouting and I threw the washing. The presents ended up on the floor as I’d knocked them off with the edge of the laundry. I wasn’t trashing the place as he said, but equally I’m mortified I acted that way and really should have just walked away.

Your kids are not happy witnessing this. You know what it's like in the cycle of abuse....there are periods of happiness. Or times when you're pretending to be happy on the surface. But you're always on edge underneath.

Please don't force them into this position.

Please talk to women's Aid or a trusted friend or family member before you talk to him about it. He will continue gaslighting and blaming you, or making empty promises or lovebombing you. You need to build up your own internal protection's against that.

I couldn't get past this. DH has never laid hands on me in anger and if he did that would be that. You need to take his actions seriously- he was violent and you were lucky it wasn't worse. He is blaming you for his reactions. I find him saying he wants to stab you really worrying and I think he needs to leave and if he won't, you must. His past violence is indicative of what he can be and you must not excuse that.

shouting and anger are just as frightening but could you sort it and give him one more chance? If he’s never been violent before then maybe it’s worth salvaging?

Your updates are chilling. He's getting his story lined up and trying to gaslight you into believing it's actually true. Whilst also trying to signal to you that if you contact the police, they will believe him and you'll get nowhere.

This is categorically not true. You can report the incident to the police and the fact that he is ex-military and ex-police will not mean that you are not listened to. In fact you can be very clear and tell them that he is rewriting the narrative and gaslighting you and that he has taunted you about calling the police and insinuated that you won't be believed. Speak with Women's Aid who will be able to assist you in making the report.

OP this is not a fairytale relationship. What you are describing is toxic and abusive, even without this specific incident.

Get your kids away from this man.

So this is a man with 'huge' PTSD and anger issues in his past, but his first reaction to a physical incident is to try to pin all the blame on you in multiple different ways? You went psycho (you didn't), you cried out 'what are you doing?' just to make it sound worse, rather than because he'd physically grabbed you.

After the incident was over, after you'd been outside to reassure a child, he then said he wanted to stab you. And told you you'd 'made him the bad guy'.

You get that these are the words of a practised abuser?

It's great you want to take responsibility for your own behaviour. But don't minimise his behaviour even more in your rush to own up to your own failings.

Would you shout in his face? Would you tell him he needed to leave before he stabbed you? Would you lift him up and slam him against a wall in view of his kids? Would you then tell him that it was his fault and you bore no responsibility for your actions? Would you use your greater physical strength and your background in the police to intimidate him? Fucks sake, no! You obviously are someone who tries to acknowledge your faults and take responsibility. But you're focusing on the wrong thing.

You’re exaggerating what you did. You cannot hurt a fly with a bit of laundry. Its soft. It wasn’t even aimed at him, but the floor. He’s a trained military and police officer, he would immediately categorise that as not a threat. He has no excuse for claiming a PTSD “flash back” as that’s something that would not even register.

But grabbing you by your hood on your hoody and pulling you up…I don’t think you even know how dangerous that is. You can strangle someone to death with a hoody or scarf. Quite easily too. Especially if you have strength to let their body weight do the work. Only takes a few minutes.

He had your life in his hands and he let you feel it. That is why you were crying and in shock…a part of you instinctively knew the danger you were in was life threatening.

And going 5yrs with nothing and this is the first time? Evidence to me he was in complete control and exerting dominance over you to terrify you. It was intentional.

No. Leave!

It's over. You're dating a psychopath, run.

None of this is your fault. He is making you think you are to blame for his abuse. Its manipulation.

He provably deliberately makes you feel unheard, unloved and neglected ano then, when you tell him your perfectly valid feelings, he gaslights you. And now, physically assaults you too.

You need to knave him ASAP. And you also need to tell your children why. And that it is never ok for a partner to put their hands on you. Your child saw it, if you stay then this is the model you set them for their relationships. Abusive men being excused.

OP goodness, it doesn't just 'sound worse on paper' - it's already pretty bad and you need to start planning to leave ASAP.