Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

[Ineedausername2]

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

They do, but there's a helluva way to go, if the case of Nicola Smallman & Bibaa Henry and similar scandals are indicative of the internal culture.

People with issues like your DH don’t change unfortunately and as hard as it is I’m not sure how many red flags you need before you call it a day. The news is full of stories about women who end up dead because they made excuses for their man.

Don’t waste more of yours and your kids lives on this. Life’s too short. You might think he adores you but he clearly doesn’t. Imagine your daughter was going through this. You’d be absolutely heartbroken and furious that she was living this life and you’d make sure she left before he does something everyone will regret.

Surround yourself with people that treat you right. Leaving is hard in the beginning but in time you will thank God you did.

Was he ill tempered in the years you were together before you married him? Were there signs there before you got married?

Do you have anyone you can confide in?

When we first moved in together he was incredibly angry, he would shout in my face a lot - but never physically threatening.

I'm shocked you stayed with someone who did this 'a lot' and was 'incredibly angry' considering you have children, especially as they aren't his.

I think you need some solo counselling to investigate why you stayed in a relationship like that and in doing so subjected your children to living with an 'incredibly angry' and shouty man. You'll likely say they didn't notice but a. they probably did and b. it was still an indicator of who he was and it's exactly the kind of person you shouldn't want living with your kids. An angry, shouty man.

I don't say that to shame you, I say it because it is so so so important to identify why that wasn't an absolute line in the sand for you in order to ensure it doesn't happen again in a future relationship.

It goes without saying that this one should be over.