Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

253 replies

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 19:01

Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 18:53

Can I ask how long you’ve actually known this person? The reason I’m saying this is because abusers like to rush into relationships and have their partner marry: move in with them after just a few months! I imagine yours is also a rushed into relationship too where he went 100mph love biking you in the very beginning… telling you how much he loves you!
Also in all my experience in online dating (not saying you met him online btw) I’ve come across an awful lot of men who claim they are ‘ex police’ but turned out not to be. I’ve found a lot of them say this because they like to put into their victims heads that they know the criminal system and that their victim would not stand a chance if reported to the police for violence. This is all rubbish!
I once almost once dated a guy who also claimed he was ex police… but some things he told me didn’t add up. Strangely enough, he popped on my Facebook suggestions with a completely different name (but with his pictures). I believe he will have popped up due to Facebook algorithms and me having his number stored on my phone. Anyway a quick google search on him using the name showing on his Facebook revealed that he was involved with a woman years previously and that she had only been with him 6 months, had moved her into his house and beat her up shortly afterwards. The woman had gone to the press to warn others about him because he was still apparently using dating sites!! And he was… many years later and that’s how I came into contact with him!

Show quote history

Love bombing not love biking.

LolaMoon · 23/12/2022 19:01

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 18:22

How do I start to leave though? Everyone thinks we are so happy. How do I separate our lives, our dogs? Our Furniture? How do I explain to the kids? This has never happened before, i am torn because I WANT to be over reacting. I don’t want this to be the situation I’m in, but equally, if this was my friend I’d be in her corner saying she couldn’t stay and she deserved better. He’s drank a bottle of wine (he doesn’t usually drink) and is asleep on the sofa now. I want to talk to him but where do I begin? Do I say im
nervous when you were in the kitchen just now? How do we move forward from that?

I know it’s futile saying this, but I don’t want to be in this situation, I don’t want to live a life without him - I love him. I’m so gutted that I need to be typing this out. I sat in the cinema wanting to text my friend, but knowing I couldn’t because then there’s no going back. I’m just so bloody sad and blindsided, because this morning things were good and we were happy, and now I’m on zoopla wondering if I can afford to rent a house or a flat. My brain can’t keep up with what’s happening.

  1. It doesnt matter what anyone thinks- they arent being told their partner wants to stab them are they? and if they were, they would feel the exact same way you do right now- in danger. You can take the dogs.
  2. Furniture- doesnt matter, you can get more. Furniture is not a reason to stay with someone abusive or risk your life over
  3. Kids- your kids should NEVER get to witness someone threatening their mum, yanking her up by a hoodie and telling her he wants to stab her. They are better off out of this situation- this WILL damage them if it continues
  4. Of course you are gutted- you love him and thought he loved you but now you have further information about him and what he's capable of and its disturbing and threatening.
  5. First, get some support from friends/family. Tell them what happened and let them help you. Domestic violence thrives in secret- telling someone will help you realise just how bad this really is and will give you emotional support
  6. Talk to the police- you really need to get this on record
  7. Get some legal help so you know exactly what your rights are with regard to the house etc
  8. Do NOT go back to him. Domestic violence follows a pattern and it always escalates. If he thinks he has got away with this, it will get worse and worse because there are no consequences to his behaviour

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Its horrendous. But your happiness depends on what action you take next.

justasking111 · 23/12/2022 19:04

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:18

I’m reading all replies I promise, but I meant we had been living together about 5 years not 5 months.

I needed you all to say this to me. I’ve been on these boards about 15 years and I’ve said the same to others, I never thought I would be in this position. DH is ex military / security background. He used to have huge ptsd and anger issues, this is like a flash back to the man he used to be. This isn’t how he usually is, but I don’t know how we put it all back in the box. We can’t can we? I don’t want this to be the end, how do you end it with someone you love?

Show quote history

Ex military, ex police, PTSD I've worked for a military charity. Believe what he says. Call the police have him removed. He really needs the kind of help that you can't give.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 19:05

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 18:22

How do I start to leave though? Everyone thinks we are so happy. How do I separate our lives, our dogs? Our Furniture? How do I explain to the kids? This has never happened before, i am torn because I WANT to be over reacting. I don’t want this to be the situation I’m in, but equally, if this was my friend I’d be in her corner saying she couldn’t stay and she deserved better. He’s drank a bottle of wine (he doesn’t usually drink) and is asleep on the sofa now. I want to talk to him but where do I begin? Do I say im
nervous when you were in the kitchen just now? How do we move forward from that?

I know it’s futile saying this, but I don’t want to be in this situation, I don’t want to live a life without him - I love him. I’m so gutted that I need to be typing this out. I sat in the cinema wanting to text my friend, but knowing I couldn’t because then there’s no going back. I’m just so bloody sad and blindsided, because this morning things were good and we were happy, and now I’m on zoopla wondering if I can afford to rent a house or a flat. My brain can’t keep up with what’s happening.

How do you leave? You just prioritise your children. It's as simple as that. People can perform superhuman feats to keep their children safe. You can certainly sort out some furniture and dogs.

I realise I'm being facetious and there's obviously more to it than that, but you can do this. It will be hard but you can do hard things. And you can definitely do hard things when it's your children's safety and well-being at stake.

Every single roadblock your brain throws up, ask yourself "is that more important than my children's safety?". The answer should obviously always be "no". There is no possible reason to stay that outweighs the right of your children to live in a safe home where their mother is not in danger. Even if you feel that you and he are soulmates/he makes you laugh/understands you/is amazing in bed blah blah blah, all of that should pale into insignificance compared to keeping your kids safe. It's just a complete no-brainer.

You don't need to have a conversation with him because you don't need his approval to keep your children safe. You don't need him to admit what he did. You don't need his permission. You can (and should) take ownership of yourself and your kids and keep them safe. In fact, having a conversation with a drunken man who has assaulted you and is in full deny/redirect the blame mode is very dangerous. There's no reason to have that conversation other than to allow him the opportunity to possibly try and talk you round which would be dangerous for you and your children in the longer term. Worst case scenario he reacts to the conversation with anger and you end up in immediate danger.

TL;DR: Put your kids first and leave even though it's hard.

SuperFly123 · 23/12/2022 19:08

Puppers · 23/12/2022 19:05

How do you leave? You just prioritise your children. It's as simple as that. People can perform superhuman feats to keep their children safe. You can certainly sort out some furniture and dogs.

I realise I'm being facetious and there's obviously more to it than that, but you can do this. It will be hard but you can do hard things. And you can definitely do hard things when it's your children's safety and well-being at stake.

Every single roadblock your brain throws up, ask yourself "is that more important than my children's safety?". The answer should obviously always be "no". There is no possible reason to stay that outweighs the right of your children to live in a safe home where their mother is not in danger. Even if you feel that you and he are soulmates/he makes you laugh/understands you/is amazing in bed blah blah blah, all of that should pale into insignificance compared to keeping your kids safe. It's just a complete no-brainer.

You don't need to have a conversation with him because you don't need his approval to keep your children safe. You don't need him to admit what he did. You don't need his permission. You can (and should) take ownership of yourself and your kids and keep them safe. In fact, having a conversation with a drunken man who has assaulted you and is in full deny/redirect the blame mode is very dangerous. There's no reason to have that conversation other than to allow him the opportunity to possibly try and talk you round which would be dangerous for you and your children in the longer term. Worst case scenario he reacts to the conversation with anger and you end up in immediate danger.

TL;DR: Put your kids first and leave even though it's hard.

Show quote history

☝

Facefail · 23/12/2022 19:13

You don’t have a perfect life.

You case you are trying to make is, ‘outside of him pushing me up against a wall and wanting to stab me, everything is great!’ Can you see how insane that is?

Good relationships are not defined by how good they are when nothing is off kilter. Good relationships are those when you can deal with disagreement constructively. You two cannot.

None of us know how you both were in previous relationships but you clearly do not work together.

I had a friend who worked in refuges. She said that it often was confusing for the women because the men, outside of the violence, could be very loving and the relationship could be great. It’s still a violent relationship though.

Sandra1984 · 23/12/2022 19:17

category12 · 23/12/2022 19:00

OP has said she has been with him 5 years, married 6 months - she missed out the word years in her original post.

Show quote history

Oops, sorry only read the 6 months but.

LaLuz7 · 23/12/2022 19:22

Oomph · 23/12/2022 17:11

Either leave or commit to counselling with a deadline. This can never happen again.

as others say, how is this a happy life if your needs are minimised?

Never ever go to couples counseling with an abusive partner. You're just giving them ammunition.

whynotwhatknot · 23/12/2022 19:23

op i threw some clothes on the floor in a an argumen once-it wouldnt justify my dh picking me up and pushing me-also he wants to stab you thats chilling

wats he going to say to the police about that remark-oh wel officer you know how it is she was throwing clothes so i just said get out or i'll stab you

hes abusng you and then gaslighting you about it

AnyFucker · 23/12/2022 19:28

Op, if you have been on this site for 15 years then you know that women rarely leave after the 1st act of violence against them

Also, you will know that the 1st act of violence is never the last

You have been warned.

2FelisCatus · 23/12/2022 19:43

He's threatened to kill you OP. You can't stab someone 'carefully'. You need a quiet careful plan to leave. You can't talk to him about it. I fear, you're in more danger than you know.

Original poster
Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 19:44

He is upstairs packing. I said we needed to talk and he said I broke him, and I said I was so sorry for what happened, but that it had crossed a line and I didn’t know if we could come back from it no matter how much I loved him. He suggested couples counselling, and I said if we were going to try then that was definitely needed. We started holding hands and I said he had scared me when he said he was going to stab me, and he lost his temper again and said that I was always going to bring it up and if he had wanted to stab me then he would have. I said there was no coming back from him saying that, and I said I needed stability for the kids and please would he goto a hotel as I didn’t want to upset them by taking them out. He refused and I said I would have to call the police if he wouldn’t go, and he lost his temper and is now packing but is so angry at me for saying I would call the police. I hate this. I don’t want this. I don’t know how my life has become this when this morning was so good? I can’t stop shaking! The kids are in the games room - what do I tell them? They are going to be devestated. I am devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 19:45

I’ve told a friend in real life. They are at the opposite end of the country, but they know now.

OP posts:
AlbertaAnnie · 23/12/2022 19:51

Yeah saying he wants to stab you? Not ok, you need to leave and get the children out of there. This shouldn’t be a question. Of course you need to leave

category12 · 23/12/2022 19:52

You mustn't have couples counselling - he has been violent and abusive. Any relationship counsellor worth tuppence wouldn't see you together.

If anything he should be offering to get treatment for his PTSD and go into anger management and long-term therapy - but he's not prepared to take responsibility.

NandoReindeer · 23/12/2022 19:53

Before even getting the physical violence part… you have not been the one starting these arguments. He has. You can’t even talk to him about how you feel when you have valid feelings, because he accuses you of “twisting” things.

Please don’t tell yourself that this is a one off incident that you have had to leave him because of. Look at the history and his ongoing behaviour and you trying to previously explain how you felt unappreciated and how he then has behaved towards you.

You are doing the right thing.

Your DC will be very upset and it will be heartbreaking for you to witness. Nowhere near as heartbreaking as the long term effects if you’d stayed with this man though.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 19:54

Fucking hell OP. He's a nutcase.

I said he had scared me when he said he was going to stab me, and he lost his temper again and said that I was always going to bring it up and if he had wanted to stab me then he would have

He refused [to go to a hotel] and I said I would have to call the police if he wouldn’t go, and he lost his temper

is so angry at me for saying I would call the police

My very, very strong advice is to call the police - regardless of whether he leaves tonight or not - and report the assault. You need this on record. In your shoes I would also be very keen to demonstrate how I was committed from the outset to keeping my children safe in the event that there are further incidents down the line or one of the children talks to a teacher or trusted adult and SS become involved.

Salome61 · 23/12/2022 19:55

I'm sorry to read this - saying he'd like to stab you? Has he stabbed someone before?

I wouldn't feel safe with him, I think you should think very carefully about your future with this man.

NandoReindeer · 23/12/2022 19:56

“He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right” - This. This will be your life if you stay with him. You won’t be unable to pull him up on anything at all, ever, as the blame will be turned on you, the same as he has previously blamed you for “making him apologise”.

Facefail · 23/12/2022 19:56

category12 · 23/12/2022 19:52

You mustn't have couples counselling - he has been violent and abusive. Any relationship counsellor worth tuppence wouldn't see you together.

If anything he should be offering to get treatment for his PTSD and go into anger management and long-term therapy - but he's not prepared to take responsibility.

This. Please listen to this.

Amazonmulu · 23/12/2022 19:59

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 18:57

How do you leave? Take the children go to a neighbour and phone 999 now. Say you knocked the laundry off as you were upset and he assaulted you and was witnessed by the children. Tell them
he has threatened to stab you and laughed and taunted you to phone the police as he is ex police and has said you won’t be believed. Tell them you are terrified.
Tell them everything
do not minimise this

This. Do this. Exactly this.

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 19:59

Big hugs, OP. Well done for holding fast.
It's so good you told your friend. Please reach out to as many friends and family IRL as you can. You need and deserve their support now.
Please call Women's Aid or another DV charity for expert advice and support.

This will take time but you can do it, step by step.
P

SuperFly123 · 23/12/2022 19:59

Puppers · 23/12/2022 19:54

Fucking hell OP. He's a nutcase.

I said he had scared me when he said he was going to stab me, and he lost his temper again and said that I was always going to bring it up and if he had wanted to stab me then he would have

He refused [to go to a hotel] and I said I would have to call the police if he wouldn’t go, and he lost his temper

is so angry at me for saying I would call the police

My very, very strong advice is to call the police - regardless of whether he leaves tonight or not - and report the assault. You need this on record. In your shoes I would also be very keen to demonstrate how I was committed from the outset to keeping my children safe in the event that there are further incidents down the line or one of the children talks to a teacher or trusted adult and SS become involved.

All of this. And when he is gone change the locks.

Ameadowwalk · 23/12/2022 20:00

He’s still blaming you though (you haven’t broken him, how could you have? It is emotional manipulation to make you feel bad), and when you bring up how you feel, his response is to get angry.
It is the right thing for him to go. Are his DC with you? Do they have someone else to go and stay with?
DC are not stupid, they know you have had an argument, and all you need to say is that it is a better idea for your partner to go to a hotel just now.
Good that you told your friend. I do agree that it would be good to speak to someone locally, though, call the police just so they know where you are and that you are vulnerable. You are not wasting their time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread