Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

[Ineedausername2]

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

You think pushing some laundry over justifies someone threatening to stab you? Do you not see how utterly horrific this sounds? This is the person who is meant to love you more than anyone and he can say he wants to stab you (which means wounding you with a knife= potentially causing death). GET OUT. This will only get worse, it always does.

Pushing some laundry and presents on to the floor does not justify picking you up and pushing you into a glass door. Saying that he wants to stab you because you have "broken him" is blaming YOU for HIS problems.

It is not normal to feel like stabbing someone. You know that you need to leave. I understand why you don't want to - because it won't be easy. But you need to, for your sake, and for your children's sake.

Could you go to family for Christmas?

How do I start to leave though? Everyone thinks we are so happy. How do I separate our lives, our dogs? Our Furniture? How do I explain to the kids? This has never happened before, i am torn because I WANT to be over reacting. I don’t want this to be the situation I’m in, but equally, if this was my friend I’d be in her corner saying she couldn’t stay and she deserved better. He’s drank a bottle of wine (he doesn’t usually drink) and is asleep on the sofa now. I want to talk to him but where do I begin? Do I say im
nervous when you were in the kitchen just now? How do we move forward from that?

I know it’s futile saying this, but I don’t want to be in this situation, I don’t want to live a life without him - I love him. I’m so gutted that I need to be typing this out. I sat in the cinema wanting to text my friend, but knowing I couldn’t because then there’s no going back. I’m just so bloody sad and blindsided, because this morning things were good and we were happy, and now I’m on zoopla wondering if I can afford to rent a house or a flat. My brain can’t keep up with what’s happening.

And my guess is that if you stay, the episodes where he loses it because you have "broken him" will become more and more frequent. And it will always be your fault. It's useful for him if you get wound up to the point of throwing something, because it gives him the justification he wants to abuse you.

There might be good times, but they don't cancel out the awful times. I'll use a very blunt analogy. Imagine your current relationship is a cake sliced into ten. Nine of the slices are amazing, taste delicious and you enjoy every single bite. Slice ten is covered in dog shit. Would you eat slice ten and put up with it, so that you could have the other nine slices? Of course not - you'd leave the cake alone and go and find a cake that didn't have dog shit on it.

You guys have a toxic relationship.

Don't think about furniture and dogs right now. Your absolute priority is getting yourself and your children out of that house and somewhere safe. Once you have done this, you can then make a list of the things you need to do, prioritise them and then work through it bit by bit. But the number one thing here is being safe - everything else is just stuff.

you are not safe there OP, he's even warned you himself that he's not in control of his impulses
come on lass, please listen to reason, it's very difficult because these types of things really mess with your head & you cant see which way is up but you have to put you and the children first

Don't talk to him when he's had a bottle of wine.

And you want to talk to him because you want him to convince you that it's OK to stay, that you're at fault and if you just do better, everything will fine and you can go back to being happy.

But he attacked you, he threatened you, and not only that, the kids saw it. You can't put it back in its box.

OP in my force any investigation involving an officer as a DV perpetrator is dealt with by PSD (professional standards) . I know there are concerns of police "closing ranks" but the VAST majority of officers don't want people like that in the job. I know you said he is ex-police but it should still be investigated by someone who doesn't know your husband so that they can be impartial, if not PSD. He might think he can get away with it because of his previous role but I've had to interview a police officer in relation to an allegation and if anything, his experience made me more suspicious of his answers as I knew that he knew the "right things" to say.

Please don't let him being ex job put you off reporting.

If you're not going to get yourself out, can you at least send the kids to their dads so that they can be safe.

He has trapped you. You need to find a way out.

He’s drank a bottle of wine (he doesn’t usually drink) and is asleep on the sofa now
there was an awful shocking exchange between you and his response is to anesthetize himself and go to sleep, he should be racked with guilt, but he's deliberately washing it out of his mind

He’s asleep, pack bags and go. Can you get his kids to another relative of theirs? Their mum? Where they’d be safe too ? You can’t take them unless you’ve adopted them but equally none of you are safe with him.

I love him
I'm sorry but I dont think it's love, I think it's a trauma bond
I want to talk to him but where do I begin?
he will likely act as if nothing has happened, at the very least he will spin it into something trivial
please listen to those who can advise on police procedures etc, and when you safely can I think you should write down everything that happened

Nobody is going to tell you what you want to read but they are going to tell you what you need to hear
you don’t really have a choice, well you do but if you choose to stay kiss goodbye to your peace of mind and safety. Oh and your kids. And your life

Please be careful OP. Your thread is difficult to read as you sound in real danger.
That level of violence is terrifying, then drinking a whole bottle of wine by 6pm? It's scary that he's drunk now.
Please ring the police and get him removed.
You and your children are NOT safe.

I think that people often think that the relationship is bad only if it is bad ALL the time. That you should consider leaving if your partner is abusive, violent, etc ALL the time. I often hear people (mostly women) say, “but he only does it sometimes”, “this only happens a few times a year”, “he only does it when my family is around”, “but he loves me so much” and the most often “he is such a wonderful father”. Sure no relationship is perfect and shit happens, but there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable no matter how often they happen. What you did would have made everyone upset but the thing is, it would not have made everyone physically violent. That there is a difference between healthy relationship and a not healthy one.

You're sorting blaming yourself for the argument but he wanted ti cancel a date night, after you'd got a sitter and you said it was rare.
You had every right to be upset and disappointed- can he not see how important the night out was for you ?
Why did he want to cancel ?
Didn't he realised how important it was for you ?
Was the alternative another night in front of the TV?
Then he gets all dramatic and manipulates you into taking the blame .....

Call the police. Get him gone and a paper trail in place to protect you and your children as you move forward.

Can I ask how long you’ve actually known this person? The reason I’m saying this is because abusers like to rush into relationships and have their partner marry: move in with them after just a few months! I imagine yours is also a rushed into relationship too where he went 100mph love biking you in the very beginning… telling you how much he loves you!
Also in all my experience in online dating (not saying you met him online btw) I’ve come across an awful lot of men who claim they are ‘ex police’ but turned out not to be. I’ve found a lot of them say this because they like to put into their victims heads that they know the criminal system and that their victim would not stand a chance if reported to the police for violence. This is all rubbish!
I once almost once dated a guy who also claimed he was ex police… but some things he told me didn’t add up. Strangely enough, he popped on my Facebook suggestions with a completely different name (but with his pictures). I believe he will have popped up due to Facebook algorithms and me having his number stored on my phone. Anyway a quick google search on him using the name showing on his Facebook revealed that he was involved with a woman years previously and that she had only been with him 6 months, had moved her into his house and beat her up shortly afterwards. The woman had gone to the press to warn others about him because he was still apparently using dating sites!! And he was… many years later and that’s how I came into contact with him!

You need to prioritise your poor child who is probably very shaken by what they witnessed.

Leave, your relationship is over.

How do you leave? Take the children go to a neighbour and phone 999 now. Say you knocked the laundry off as you were upset and he assaulted you and was witnessed by the children. Tell them
he has threatened to stab you and laughed and taunted you to phone the police as he is ex police and has said you won’t be believed. Tell them you are terrified.
Tell them everything
do not minimise this

I find it a bit strange that after only 6 months of meeting him you’re living together with all your children and I’m suspecting you were victim of some love bombing.

It doesn’t matter what you did, there is NO justification for his behaviour. And he’s an ex copper to boot. Yikes. Get out of there asap. This is absolutely not the relationship you think it is.

OP has said she has been with him 5 years, married 6 months - she missed out the word years in her original post.

And to follow on from your logic, shouldn’t he have just walked away in response to your throwing the washing, instead of assaulting you which is what he did? Fuck Christmas, fuck the wedding, you need to protect yourself and your kids, one of whom witnessed this. Get out now.