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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

253 replies

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

OP posts:
Rosamunde · 23/12/2022 17:20

The fact that he keeps pinning it on you, saying you made him do it, is a v bad sign. Unless he was acting in self defence there is absolutely no excuse.

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 17:21

I know it hurts, but love isn't enough on its own. It has to be accompanied by respect and trustworthiness.

Have you got family you could go stay with? Could he move out temporarily?

He should understand that what he has done is completely unacceptable and be willing to give you all the space you need. The fact that he doesn't see that indicates to me that it's definitely no coming back.

You're not a rehabilitation program for his PTSD.

Amazonmulu · 23/12/2022 17:23

He's not over the ptsd and anger issues.

In all honesty I don't know how you do it.

If it was me I'd pack the kids and me and just go to family / friends. I'm a coward so would probably go when he is out to avoid confrontation.

Beware he will next apologise. Say it won't happen again. Say you shouldn't have pushed him that far. Say he's not that type of guy to ever do that. Say that he loves you.

Don't listen.

YellowHpok · 23/12/2022 17:24

I don't think you realise just what a threat he is to your safety and that of your kids.

He is minimising his behaviour and blaming you for it. Classic DARVO. Look it up.

Who owns the house? I would report him or flee very quickly. A refuge at Xmas would be much safer for you and your kids.

Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 17:24

Sorry but after only 6 months of marriage and 5 months of living together can you imagine how he would be after another 5 months?? This is extremely serious and you need to get you and your kids to safety!! Things will only escalate!!

VioletLemon · 23/12/2022 17:25

You've totally over invested in someone who could seriously hurt your DC and possibly kill you. It's a massive mistake to stay. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DC. They deserve a good role model, what's happened can be repaired between you and your children but it will NEVER, NEVER work with this man. What if your dc was really rude to him, would you allow him to attack or stab her?? Get out now.

category12 · 23/12/2022 17:25

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:18

I’m reading all replies I promise, but I meant we had been living together about 5 years not 5 months.

I needed you all to say this to me. I’ve been on these boards about 15 years and I’ve said the same to others, I never thought I would be in this position. DH is ex military / security background. He used to have huge ptsd and anger issues, this is like a flash back to the man he used to be. This isn’t how he usually is, but I don’t know how we put it all back in the box. We can’t can we? I don’t want this to be the end, how do you end it with someone you love?

Show quote history

You can't afford to take the risk, OP. He threatened to stab you.

This is not an unfounded threat. A couple of women a week die at the hands of their partners.

You could leave your children motherless.

Coyoacan · 23/12/2022 17:25

Rosamunde · 23/12/2022 17:20

The fact that he keeps pinning it on you, saying you made him do it, is a v bad sign. Unless he was acting in self defence there is absolutely no excuse.

This

Clymene · 23/12/2022 17:27

He is a violent man and you can never trust him not to be. He's broken it. He's scared your child.

It's over.

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/12/2022 17:28

No. It's LTB time, I'm so sorry. The fact he wasn't even incredibly disturbed by what he had just done, but actually is pinning it on you should reinforce this. Please, please leave.

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 23/12/2022 17:28

This is not an "incredibly happy" relationship (there's no such thing in real life - the best relationships are basically 'fine, with some bumpy bits').

You did behave badly, but what you did wasn't in the same universe as what he did.

Abusers are very good at minimising what they have done (I was married to one). Do not listen to him. He needs to go.

Figrolls14 · 23/12/2022 17:29

I’m really sorry OP, i hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
You can see his mindset so clearly, he has already, automatically justified his words and his action to himself, he has told you in several different ways that you “drove him to it”. That’s hard wired and there will be more where it came from, there is not a shred of doubt. It’s not worth the risk. Good luck OP.

forlornlorna1 · 23/12/2022 17:30

I can tell you how you leave a man you love ...you put your vulnerable children,who rely on YOU to keep them and yourself safe, first!. No ifs, buts You end it.

cestlavielife · 23/12/2022 17:31

DH is ex military / security background. He used to have huge ptsd and anger issues, this is like a flash back to the man he used to be.

He only has to kill or maim you once for it to be too late
You need to live apart
He needs to get treated

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/12/2022 17:32

“How do you end it with someone you love?”

In this case, carefully. He could well escalate if he senses you wanting to leave him and potentially outing him as a violent bully.

Please speak to women’s aid for support.

As for the emotional impact, you put yourself in that child’s shoes and imagine how terrifying it was for them to see their parent/stepparent in this situation. Their sense of safety and security has been shattered - possibly not for the first time - and you need to be the adult here and put those kids, yours and his, first. And show them all that this is not how loving relationships look. I imagine his kids also saw it with their own mum, and they deserve protecting from this, both physically and emotionally.

And if that isn’t enough you imagine the call from childrens services and your kids’ school when they hear about this and forward it as a safeguarding concern, because it absolutely is.

On an emotional level, you deal with it by crying a lot, making some practical arrangements, taking to friends, crying some more, rebuilding your life as the strong head of your own family, fill the void in your life with nurturing, fun and interesting things, love yourself with the same level of care and affection that you usually give to him, and one day you wake up and think “what the fuck was I even thinking, considering staying with a man who wants to stab me?”

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 17:33

Great advice there from SteveHarrintonsChestHair. You can do it, OP.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 17:36

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:20

He has said he won’t leave, I think he probably would if I pushed it, but he says this is his home and he’s not giving it up. He’s still so defensive.

Show quote history

My advice would still be to leave, but if he was genuinely remorseful he would be so horrified and shocked at his behaviour that he'd be leaving of his own accord and immediately seeking help. He would be accepting full responsibility and would be beyond apologetic.

But he's not, is he? He's digging his heels in, insisting that he won't leave and trying to make it your fault.

He's not even bothering to do an impression of "sorry and contrite", which even my dipshit dad managed for a few weeks at a time.

Squarerootofpi · 23/12/2022 17:37

From just that small snapshot you posted so many red flags jump out.

Physically put his hands on you
Denied it and blamed you for it
Military background and ptsd ( this isn't a red flag in itself, but combined with the first 2 it makes him more dangerous than the average man)

If you think back, can you remember any other times that he has shown flashes of real anger/rage? Did he own up to it?

saraclara · 23/12/2022 17:37

Whose house is it?

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 17:37

category12 · 23/12/2022 17:09

You need to split up. Sorry but he said he wanted to stab you.

That's very graphic and a real threat.

Plus the kids have seen the violence.

This is no kind of environment for them.

You're not putting them first by staying.

Yes and now. Take your children and pack and go - this is a very real threat and report the assault to the police. You must.

krustykittens · 23/12/2022 17:38

You pushed a pile of laundry and he retaliated by lifting you off your feet and slamming you into a glass door and threatening to stab you. And it's all your fault, because you pushed over some clothes. Are you hearing this, OP? Get away from him and never let him back into your life. I am so sorry you are going through this. x

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 17:39

Actually I would go to a police station and report what happened and ask them to arrest him and you can then return home.

do not minimise this at all

DanseAvecLesLoups · 23/12/2022 17:41

This is not an "incredibly happy" relationship (there's no such thing in real life - the best relationships are basically 'fine, with some bumpy bits').

The best relationships are a bit more then 'fine with some bumpy bits'!

Original poster
Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:41

He thinks I’m to blame, that I went psycho and was going to trash the house and he is sorry but he had to do what he did to stop me. He says he was angry and I’ve broken him and that’s why he said about stabbing me.

we only moved here a few years ago, I don’t have any friends or family I could go to really, I don’t want to say it out loud because then it’s real. Ironically, I could probably talk to his ex wife the most.

I have to pay a terms school fees if I leave now so I would have to stay in the general area. I’ve just gone back to work, so things would be really tight but do-able. I’d need to find somewhere to live. I don’t know how to separate our lives.

i feel like I need to talk to him, but I’m scared of that conversation. What do I even say?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:43

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 17:39

Actually I would go to a police station and report what happened and ask them to arrest him and you can then return home.

do not minimise this at all

He told me to call the police, he was sort of taunting me to do it. He’s ex police too, when he said he didn’t hurt me he was just moving me out the way so I didn’t trash the house it felt like he had sort of prepared what he was going to say to people.

OP posts: