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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

253 replies

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 17:04

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 23/12/2022 20:02

On Mumsnet is there a section for servicemen's wives. I'm sure I saw one once

Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 20:02

Ineedausername2 · 23/12/2022 19:44

He is upstairs packing. I said we needed to talk and he said I broke him, and I said I was so sorry for what happened, but that it had crossed a line and I didn’t know if we could come back from it no matter how much I loved him. He suggested couples counselling, and I said if we were going to try then that was definitely needed. We started holding hands and I said he had scared me when he said he was going to stab me, and he lost his temper again and said that I was always going to bring it up and if he had wanted to stab me then he would have. I said there was no coming back from him saying that, and I said I needed stability for the kids and please would he goto a hotel as I didn’t want to upset them by taking them out. He refused and I said I would have to call the police if he wouldn’t go, and he lost his temper and is now packing but is so angry at me for saying I would call the police. I hate this. I don’t want this. I don’t know how my life has become this when this morning was so good? I can’t stop shaking! The kids are in the games room - what do I tell them? They are going to be devestated. I am devastated.

Well done! Im so happy you have managed to take the step forward and get him out of the house. Please also beware that from someone who has had experience of being in an abusive and violent relationship going to tell you something now…. He is going to beg and plead with you to give him one more chance! He will pull at your heartstrings and beg for you to come back… tell you he loves you, maybe even tell you he can’t live without you and he may even go as far as to say he will kill himself if you don’t have him back! This is all rubbish, do not listen to it! It’s a standard pattern that abusers do to get you to go back! Once you go back the abuse cycle will start again and will get worse. No matter what this man throws at you… even if it’s more abuse and blaming you…. Please stay strong for the sake of you and your kids!

Ameadowwalk · 23/12/2022 20:02

And btw, I don’t think him saying if he wanted to stab you, he would have makes it better. What he is saying is that he would follow through his threats if he had a mind to. He’s not apologising or mortified he said it; he’s basically saying that if he had wanted to really do it, he would have. So how do you trust him now?
I am really sorry.

Amazonmulu · 23/12/2022 20:03

OP has he gone? Has he left the house?

Sandra1984 · 23/12/2022 20:03

@Ineedausername2 We started holding hands and I said he had scared me when he said he was going to stab me, and he lost his temper again and said that I was always going to bring it up and if he had wanted to stab me then he would have.

so you tell this man that him wanting to stab you scared the beejeezuz and he looses his temper? For bringing up what is kill threat? But it’s all your fault?
ive never seen such a dangerous form of gaslighting. OP: this man is dangerous and you’re not safe with him. He’s abusive, controlling, violent and has some major anger management issues.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/12/2022 20:05

Well done for telling him how unacceptable this was. It’s for the best that’s he’s gone.

I would be honest with your children in an age appropriate way. The one who has witnessed it will likely tell the others anyway, so get ahead of it and say that he acted in a way that was unacceptable so you’ve asked him to leave.

That’s all you need to say.

They don’t need to know about any plans to split permanently, counselling etc or what’s going to happen with the dogs or whether they’ll see him or his DCs again. At the moment they just need to know that you’re in control of the situation and that they’re safe.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2022 20:08

He's absolutely chilling op and he changed his tactics so many times during that last convo I'm surprised you don't have whiplash.

He's dangerous and manipulative. I hope you get him out safely. Start making plans to keep away long term (eg: sell the house and get a home ge doesn't have access too). I'm guessing he won't stay away long. He won't want to give you the heads space to process how abusive he was.

Sandra1984 · 23/12/2022 20:09

Ameadowwalk · 23/12/2022 20:02

And btw, I don’t think him saying if he wanted to stab you, he would have makes it better. What he is saying is that he would follow through his threats if he had a mind to. He’s not apologising or mortified he said it; he’s basically saying that if he had wanted to really do it, he would have. So how do you trust him now?
I am really sorry.

Yes, the underlying message is “you’re very lucky I didn’t stab you but know for the next time that if you throw a fit or challenge me I can and maybe will, so be ready to walk over eggshells the next couple of months just in case I pull out my knife and do something stupid”

BiggerThanTheWholeSky · 23/12/2022 20:16

Reading your posts made me feel scared for you.

Your dh reminds me a lot of my ex. It was always my fault when he lost his temper. It was only me that made him act that way..

Please ensure you're safe.

jasper333 · 23/12/2022 20:17

Are you ok?

gloss234 · 23/12/2022 20:18

OP does he mean he would literally stab you or is he saying it in kind of a dark jest as some would say you make me so mad sometimes I could kill you with no actual intention of harming a hair on their head?

Pinkflipflop85 · 23/12/2022 20:21

gloss234 · 23/12/2022 20:18

OP does he mean he would literally stab you or is he saying it in kind of a dark jest as some would say you make me so mad sometimes I could kill you with no actual intention of harming a hair on their head?

Seriously?!

Ffs I despair at some people, I really do.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 20:22

gloss234 · 23/12/2022 20:18

OP does he mean he would literally stab you or is he saying it in kind of a dark jest as some would say you make me so mad sometimes I could kill you with no actual intention of harming a hair on their head?

Yes I’m sure he was hoping for a big laugh while he was hanging her up the wall by the neck of her hoodie.

Fucking hell.

Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 20:36

gloss234 · 23/12/2022 20:18

OP does he mean he would literally stab you or is he saying it in kind of a dark jest as some would say you make me so mad sometimes I could kill you with no actual intention of harming a hair on their head?

Take it you’ve never been in an abusive relationship!!

MrNook · 23/12/2022 20:36

realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to

Your child saw him being violent with you, he said he wants to stab you. What kind of example is you staying going to set to your kids?

It's not going to get better, it'll only get worse

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/12/2022 20:43

You pushing a bag of laundry isn't the same as him manhandling you. Just recognise that. Or his threatening your life. Leave. He will get worse.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/12/2022 20:44

Also you're not a child therefore he has no right to ever 'move you out of the way'.

Willowswood · 23/12/2022 20:45

Your poor children. Do they witness your arguments? This is so damaging to them. I speak from experience.

Amazonmulu · 23/12/2022 20:50

OP has he left? Are you ok?

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 23/12/2022 20:54

Pushing things on the floor is not violent OP. He is making you believe that your behaviour is the reason for his outbursts/behaviour. Please leave and take your DC. If he is the RP for his kids, report his violence to SS. If not, speak to the DCs mother

mishmased · 23/12/2022 20:58

This sounds very scary. Does he use drugs like cannabis? I'm actually scared and I wasn't even there. Please look after yourself or even talk to someone. You guys have been together for so long so must be good together. Can you guys talk to a marriage counselor?

Mumofnarnia · 23/12/2022 21:02

mishmased · 23/12/2022 20:58

This sounds very scary. Does he use drugs like cannabis? I'm actually scared and I wasn't even there. Please look after yourself or even talk to someone. You guys have been together for so long so must be good together. Can you guys talk to a marriage counselor?

Sorry but I was with my ex for the same amount of time! No it was not good… abusers manipulate their victims into believing they’re in the most amazing relationship ever by going through a cycle of abuse and then love bombing! You should never have counseling to try and resolve and abusive marriage! No marriage counselor worth their salt would give them counselling anyway!

mishmased · 23/12/2022 21:06

@Mumofnarnia you're probably right, I have never been in such a scenario hence me asking about counselling. I'm sorry you had to go through similar ❤️

LaLuz7 · 23/12/2022 21:07

gloss234 · 23/12/2022 20:18

OP does he mean he would literally stab you or is he saying it in kind of a dark jest as some would say you make me so mad sometimes I could kill you with no actual intention of harming a hair on their head?

...are you alright?

That is not something sane people joke about. Never.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/12/2022 21:11

rubyslippers · 23/12/2022 17:10

He’s also minimising what he did to make you doubt yourself

This.
pushing some laundry off a surface is in no way comparable to assaulting someone.
He then said he wanted to stab you ! This isn’t normal OP. Your child saw him grabbing you. You can’t stay with him, you have to keep yourself and your children safe.

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