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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Love my Wife.

185 replies

GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 20:54

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening.
I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future.

My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily.

I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 20:55

She doesn’t want things to change. So what will you do?

Geppili · 22/12/2022 20:56

How many DC do you have and do you both work?

Oopsiedaisyy · 22/12/2022 20:58

Frankly, you point out her response means you'll either end the marriage or out source. She's very dismissive of your need for a complete relationship.

Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 20:59

Last one is due to move out soon, so it will just be us.

OP posts:
beatsin8s · 22/12/2022 21:01

The the thing is, you can't force someone to re-kindle something if they don't want to.

I don't think it is fair she is dismissing your feelings, but I also think it is unfair to expect her to change hers.

Realistically all you can do is possibly suggest relationship counselling to see if that helps. If it doesn't the only option left is to consider whether you are able to live the rest of your life without sex. Personally I couldn't as I also need that intimacy. It's a sad situation but people's feelings change and it sounds as though sex just isn't something your wife wants anymore.

Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:04

I can't do that.
I want her to want me, not be forced to via an ultimatum.

OP posts:
WillTryNotToBeGrumpy · 22/12/2022 21:04

My husband could have written this.

I hope you give her time and patience. Not sure what is going on in your lives but for me - work, teenagers, running a house blah blah blah doesn't exactly make you feel sexy. Could you book a weekend away? I feel like you should accept this drier patch with your eye on more stress free frequent sex to come.

Whadda · 22/12/2022 21:05

I’ve just read the title.

Just to avoid wasting my time, does the post basically breakdown to- “I love my wife but I have an unreasonable expectation of sex and I’m going to insinuate that I’m only not looking anywhere else out of loyalty”?

Ameadowwalk · 22/12/2022 21:05

You say you want/need that closeness every day - do you mean that you want sex every day or just some affection?

I am a bit younger than you and not gone through the menopause but quite frankly, raising children, working, and doing house stuff is exhausting. I am single so I don’t need to factor in keeping a relationship going too but my question is how is the domestic and emotional load split? The thing which used to turn me off the most was doing everything and then my ex expecting me to somehow have energy for sex too. Now I do everything and don’t have to worry about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I would love a supportive partner and intimacy, but I didn’t have the mindset to have sex with someone who just took from me in so many ways. But then I ended the marriage because I knew this, I didn’t just tell him to stop thinking about it. Now he has a GF and no domestic obligations. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would be wondering what else is going on in your partnership.

WillTryNotToBeGrumpy · 22/12/2022 21:05

I obviously forgot menopause. It's shit for all concerned.

beatsin8s · 22/12/2022 21:05

Should add, do you create ways to be intimate without sex? Cuddling, kissing without any expectation? Your wife really needs to communicate what it is she is finding difficult. If it's literally just she no longer wants it then there is nothing you can do. There is no compromise when one doesn't want a sexual relationship, unless an open relationship is agreed.

Rushingfool · 22/12/2022 21:06

The only thing that's going to bring her libido back is hurt with testosterone. Hrt alone won't do it. Would she be willing to consider taking these?

A pp refers to a 'complete' relationship. So if you're not having sex, it's not a 'complete' relationship? How odd. 90 year olds have complete relationships without always having sex. Some people have sex, some don't. We've been brainwashed by all these magazine articles with titles such as "how to enjoy sex in your 80s" and "being retired means more time for sex!" and "older women are still sexy". What if older women don't want to be sexy? What if they just want to enjoy their children and grandchildren and follow their own biology?

Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:07

Thanks, That drier patch (I appreciate the humour) has lasted 10 years so I don't know what to do really. (Maybe I'll take up a hobby?)

OP posts:
DealOrNoelsDeal · 22/12/2022 21:08

I don’t understand the Santa reference 🤣

WillTryNotToBeGrumpy · 22/12/2022 21:09

Please bear in mind there is nothing less of a turn on than being made to feel pressured or discuss it endlessly. Honestly makes my vagina clamp shut.

Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:09

She's a kind of all or nothing girl and definitely not a cuddlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:10

Once a year!

OP posts:
Original poster
GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:11

We are both in our very early 50's

OP posts:
JeezLouiseErrrr · 22/12/2022 21:13

Well the choices are plain really.

  • She gets help and resumes sex
  • You separate
  • You put up with it
  • You ask for an open relation and hope she accepts
  • You cheat
Have I missed anything? You cannot have everything in life. What are you willing to trade off for more sex?
Randomheadache · 22/12/2022 21:13

Rushingfool · 22/12/2022 21:06

The only thing that's going to bring her libido back is hurt with testosterone. Hrt alone won't do it. Would she be willing to consider taking these?

A pp refers to a 'complete' relationship. So if you're not having sex, it's not a 'complete' relationship? How odd. 90 year olds have complete relationships without always having sex. Some people have sex, some don't. We've been brainwashed by all these magazine articles with titles such as "how to enjoy sex in your 80s" and "being retired means more time for sex!" and "older women are still sexy". What if older women don't want to be sexy? What if they just want to enjoy their children and grandchildren and follow their own biology?

All of this. Can you not find intimacy with her in non sexual ways? And just have a wank!

Oopsiedaisyy · 22/12/2022 21:13

Complete relationship means intimacy, affection and yes, a sexual element - especially in your early 50s.

Every one has a need to feel wanted and desired, regardless of how that is demonstrated physically as we age.

Randomheadache · 22/12/2022 21:14

Whadda · 22/12/2022 21:05

I’ve just read the title.

Just to avoid wasting my time, does the post basically breakdown to- “I love my wife but I have an unreasonable expectation of sex and I’m going to insinuate that I’m only not looking anywhere else out of loyalty”?

Pretty much

dolor · 22/12/2022 21:14

GunnerRyan1968 · 22/12/2022 21:04

I can't do that.
I want her to want me, not be forced to via an ultimatum.

That's not how it works. If she doesn't want a physical relationship anymore, you have to figure out what you're going to do.

C1N1C · 22/12/2022 21:15

I could have written this too. I know the feeling, it's difficult when you love someone and you want to be near them, but they push you away (only for sex, but it still feels like a big rejection!).

Is there any compromise at all that you have discussed? What she might be happy to do? Anything she still likes that you can incorporate into more?

NoKandoo · 22/12/2022 21:15

Whadda · 22/12/2022 21:05

I’ve just read the title.

Just to avoid wasting my time, does the post basically breakdown to- “I love my wife but I have an unreasonable expectation of sex and I’m going to insinuate that I’m only not looking anywhere else out of loyalty”?

Why is it unreasonable for someone to want to have sex with their wife?

@GunnerRyan1968 I am your age, and I enjoy sex and intimacy (preferably every day, though my partner is not quite so driven). I agree with you that sex is part of a "complete" relationship. If you don't have sex, you're just friends or housemates. I have been even keener since being menopausal, not least because I am finally free from any worries about unplanned pregnancies.

I think you just have to talk to her, OP, in a non-confrontational way.

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