I Love my Wife.

[GunnerRyan1968]

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening.
I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future.

My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily.

I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

What is 'unless Santa is due'?
Santa, snow, coke, drug dealer is due?

We split all work 50/50 and both work, me full time and her part-time. I cook and clean, but am not allow to touch certain things like the washing machine (Unless to repair it lol) I pretty much want sex all day long everyday (Typical man) and have been a sperm-doner for many years due to my count. Although i am now over the age limit for this.

No, none of the above.
It means we only every have sex maybe once a year.

WTF did I just read? 😂

Maybe it's worth talking to her about an open relationship if you're both happy together. It's not for everyone but maybe it could work for you?

I wouldn’t like to be informed that I was only allowed to have sex once a year so I don’t know why there are so many snarky responses to OP.

So, she has made her wishes clear. I think you should too to be honest.

And have a look at r/DeadBedrooms on Reddit. Lots of people are in your situation.

Your choices are basically talk and separate/divorce; talk and tell her how difficult you find this; or talk and see if she would be willing to go to couples counselling or something similar.

To be brutally honest, if your last child will be leaving home soonish then your relationship with them is separate and probably is independent from your wife.

I wish you all the best. Despite what people say, a touchless and celibate life is no fun if someone else is putting you in that position.

Meant to add or just tolerate it. (I wouldn’t tolerate it, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to.)

My wife went through the menopause a few years ago and her libido absolutely tanked. We went from 3 or 4 times a week to zero in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I won't pretend I found (or find) it easy but the way I see it is you can't expect somebody to want to eat if they are not hungry, nor can you expect someone to wish they feel hungry when they don't. Unless you want her to have sex with you when she is not remotely inclined (and I hope and assume you are not that low) you need to find ways to adjust. Decide what's important to you. If your relationship is more important than sex then accept that she is just not hungry and may never be again, she doesn't even miss being hungry. Find other ways to enjoy some physical intimacy (I've become pretty damn good at back massages, which my wife never turns down) and focus on other aspects of your relationship.

There are things your wife could consider that might improve matters, like HRT. But surely that has to be a decision she comes to herself, or not, without pressure? My wife ruled out HRT. I personally don't agree with her rationale (I think she has overestimated things like increased risk of cancer) but it's not for me to dictate her healthcare choices or try to persuade her. I might consider that if her life is on the line but not because I'm not getting sex.

It's not easy going through the change with the woman you love but trust me, she got a lot more going on than just lack of libido. Time to remember what love really means.

Thank you, wise words and i will definitely take this into consideration.

There are so many snarky responses because it’s a man writing. For some women on here everything must be their fault just because they’re male.

I totally understand where your coming from with this, and it makes total sense. No matter what I'm going to work at it and continue to support her as this is the commitment we made to each other. Best brush up on massaging!😀

The whole ‘eww sex, you pervert’ thing on here recently is really tiresome. I’m sure it didn’t used to be like this. This site and the people here are amazing. They are supportive, funny, kind, really incredible. But on some threads they just bring out the incel-style bitterness and hatred. Who is it helping? No-one.

A married man concerned about the lack of intimacy with his wife who presumably married him willingly, and has been basically celibate for a decade, and he gets responses like this. It’s shameful, it really is.

You sound nice.
Just because it's a man posting you're making this lovely assumption 👌 bet you're a barrell of fun ❤️

@GunnerRyan1968
It's great to hear that you want to work on it and support her.

Even a massage can really help, I love it when my husband does that.

I also love it when my husband just sits with me and isn't on his phone. When he smiles at me and doesn't pester me for sex when I'm tired (I do like sex but I'm often very tired and try to communicate that so he knows I still want him).

Talking to each other is a big part of it and having some fun in non sexual ways. Or just being kind to one another.

Hope you both have happier times. These days couples struggle to commit and we have the whole cancel culture scene. It's nice to see people say, I want to commit and make things work even though it's hard.

This is a difficult situation. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex and affection in a relationship, but there's also nothing wrong with not feeling sexual anymore (any more than thinking about sex "all day, every day" is wrong). Changes in hormones can have such a huge effect on libido and you can't force someone to feel desire.

What was it like before the current dry spell? Did the two of you have a mutually satisfying sex life?

No it doesn’t. How difficult would it have been for you to read the OP, instead of presuming the worst?

Nope, I’ve just been here for a very long time and notice the pattern these threads follow.

The title is usually something dramatic like “I love my wife” or “I’m married to the best person in the world” and you just know it’s going to be a whinge about lack of sex.

And then there’s usually some weird little titbit thrown in to show us what a virile man we’re dealing with.

MN is like a lamp for this particular type of moth.

What @WalkingThroughTreacle said.

The ménopause can have that effect. Ot it might be something else.

But you can’t make her want sex if she has no libido….

You’ll have to make a choice. Throw away your marriage or stay and know you won’t have sex.

you just know it’s going to be a whinge about lack of sex

I know. Wanting sex more than once a year, the dirty bastard

OP, this is a sad situation for you and your wife. I’m way past menopause and I couldn’t bear a sexless relationship with DH, though I do have periods of low libido. I recommend massage and cuddling. But they don’t completely replace sex.

HRT helps a lot of women. If she doesn’t want to use HRT, but she’s willing to try other options, I recommend using vaginal moisturiser regularly. It’s not lubricant, it’s like skin moisturiser in that it’s for everyday use.
Lubricant is of course also useful.
Sex toys can be fun.
And there also all kinds of ways you can pleasure each other without penetrative sex.

I hope she does open her mind to other ways of enjoying you. It’s horribly easy to slip into feeling past it.

Best wishes to you both.

I know right, what a dickhead for actually wanting a physical relationship with his WIFE of all people. God forbid he actually wants to have sex once in a while, yknow, in his MARRIAGE. Who'd have thought it??

Menopause is really tough. I really want sex...but I don't have the same sexual energy or sexual thoughts that I used to have. It's an odd feeling. The idea of having sex can sometimes feel like a jump too far - which it's not, but it's just the feeling. Maybe that's what your wife feels? Maybe you need to slowly, gently woo her with romance and intimacy and no expectation. Maybe if you do that, you'll get her into the 'space' without feeling pressure. Because when i'm in the 'space,' it's great and we have great sex.

Ok, I have a genuine question, and I don’t mean it to be snarky in any way at all. I’ve seen similar posts from women, saying their husband doesn’t want sex, or at least not as often as they do. How would you respond to those women?

@GunnerRyan1968

I feel bad for you... but a lesson for the uninitiated. You can't come into MN with a post saying you want more sex... it doesn't matter the context. It will ALWAYS be twisted into you sounding like a sex pest, that you're not being considerate or loving to your wife's needs, or basically if she's doing not jumping on you then she's doing it reluctantly and you're forcing yourself on her... or as one charming lady above said, oh you must be looking to cheat!

You'll then defend yourself, say more things that people can use and it will be a positive feedback loop of negative feedback.

I've been there for the exact same post. Not everyone is like that here, but word of warning :). A woman saying the same thing here would be told men always want it so if he's not interested either he's cheating, is closet gay, or you should divorce him as you only live once.

My actual advice would be to approach it scientifically. Back off completely, don't hug or kiss her, don't make suggestions, don't initiate anything. As one above said, it may be that she's fed up with the pressure, so doing this will allow her to ease off on her defenses, let her approach you at the level of intimacy she is comfortable with, and then you can work from there. It will be HARD, don't get me wrong, but to use a horrible (but apt) analogy, you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... leave it be and you'll learn its needs (apologies for the analogy!!!l).
If nothing changes in 2-3 months, well there's your future, decide what means more... a life with your wife but without intimacy, or vice versa.

@ForestLilac I think there will be assumptions that her husband is getting it elsewhere, porn addict or closeted homosexual... you know, just all the rash, normal guesses one makes on MN 😂