I Love my Wife.

[GunnerRyan1968]

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening.
I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future.

My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily.

I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

I'd be very surprised if any reputable relationship counsellor would make this recommendation with the massive communication issues that OP and his wife have to solve first. Particularly if that involved coercion or non-consensual physical acts in anyway as you state.

But you've already made a judgement and so will fit everything into that narrative it seems, even if it is ridiculous, such as saying that relationship counsellors coerce women into having sex they don't want.

Any of my friend’s DH’s could have started the same thread. My friends are all early 50’s and would be very happy to never had sex again.
I am very happy I started HRT 4 years ago and sorted out vaginal pessaries and good lube.

Some of these responses are genuinely psychotic. OP, you might be better taking this to a more gender-balanced forum as you are not getting a fair hearing here

Did they not realise the sex was bad before they got married?

It always amazes me that there are still some men who think they'll get a decent response to their issues posting on this forum. The sex ones always go the same way - people talking about sex pests and entitlement etc.

It always amazes me that when a man posts that he loves his wife and then starts talking about his huge sex drive and super sperm, that posters believe it’s true and don’t pick up that it’s a perv. I mean come on, can any of you imagine your husbands/partners posting this. (presuming they’re actually decent blokes) 😅

Hi everyone, I am quite amazed how this post has attracted so many responses. It was my first post so I thought maybe one or two people might give a little advice?

I understand everyone has a different view on why I made the initial post and I guess some may have preconceived ideas etc, and sure I'm ok with that. it's a free country and we are all entitled to our opinions.

I just wanted to thank those that understood i was looking for genuine advice and thank them for their responses, as this has helped me and my wife to talk more openly about how we both feel.

It's actually like a huge weight has been lifted, and we have been full and frank with each other talking through the night like teenagers lol.

We both feel quite positive about the future now and I just wanted to thank you all for that. Merry Christmas.🎄😉

Every damn time!
There are thousands of other places men can post for advice but for some reason they creep on mumsnet and their problems are always the same.

They're worried about their dick. Always.

That's making an assumption that all women are great at sex and men never become bored.
I think they do. So it follows to ask the question is this issue purely down to boredom?
As for the counselling. Is counselling shown to be effective in any relationships.
It would be interesting to see the empirical stories and the quantitative data.

Did ye aye?

Yep, talked thought the night like ‘teenagers’. 🤮

Creepy af.

Hmm yes

Who would have thought a post on mumsnet would be the breakthrough in a 10 year dry spell

If she wants it never and you want it daily (which is a lot) then all I can suggest is a sex therapist or a divorce.

Did you not hear? It’s all sorted.

😂😂😂

Seriously feathers, there is pressure coming from reputable health advisers - maybe even some in the nhs - and they suggest a lack of libido can be ‘treated’ with HRT.

there is definitely a culture of pressuring mature women to continue having sex as long as possible and it hints that the ‘right’ way to feel about sex is the same way as you felt when you were 25.

Oh and this ‘I love my wife but’ thread just makes me feel really uncomfortable. You are not compatible and it feels like there is coercion involved. If I were her I’d have to leave you.

Not really sure how this relates to my post or why you’ve tagged me?

And then they invented viagra so it can't die a natural death. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have that option, but it does create extra pressure for women to keep going when naturally, their men could not in harmony with their own aging process.

I think the relationship is over and if you stay in it you’re going to have to settle for an h happy sexless life.

why would you do that? Shared history is not enough of a reason. You have needs and it’s important they are met.

you could work on things but it doesn’t sound like she’s interested on working on things and I’m so sorry but it doesn’t sound like she’s sexually attracted to you.

you deserve to be in a healthy loving fufilling relationship

There's an interesting philosophical debate in there. You may be aware of the "cup of tea" video that tries to explain the concept of consent. So staying with that analogy, imagine we have someone who simply doesn't want a cup of tea, but there happens to be a drug/treatment that can increase our desire for tea. Is it right that the person should take that treatment? Well, it depends on the motivation, doesn't it? If the person who doesn't want to drink tea actually really wishes they were up for a cuppa then it would be morally fine (IMHO anyway) for them to take the treatment. However, things that don't pass my ethics sniff test include:

1. Taking the treatment because some counsellor tells you that you are being unreasonable not to want tea;
2. Taking the treatment to appease the person insisting you should have a cup of tea;
3. Taking the treatment because friends/society/randoms on MN tell you it's unacceptable not to want to drink tea with your tea-drinking friend.

Same goes for HRT. If a woman wants to take it entirely for her own reasons then that is her choice. However, if a woman is being pressured into having HRT with the express intent of increasing her libido, either by her partner, a therapist or society generally, how is that any different from more explicitly direct coercion to have sex?

I get the OP's frustration, I really do. But his wife has made it clear that she does not want HRT. That is her choice. Sure, she can discuss her reasons with him if she chooses but I don't see that she is under any obligation to say much more than "I choose not to". The suggestions that she is stonewalling him by simply stating "I choose not to" basically implies she should be willing to debate it until she gives in. If I tell someone I don't want a cup of tea, and I don't to take drugs to make me want tea, I expect that to be the end of the discussion.

^Only on Mumsnet would this be seen as a reasonable response to a man being concerned his wife wants no physical intimacy and refuses to discuss it with him.
do you genuinely think this is what the NHS is for?^

@FurAndFeathers Do you genuinely think my comment was serious?

Or have you been at the Bailey's and got a bit aggro?

@LittleBitLostWithoutYou
Why is talking through the night creepy...

You do not need hrt and pessaries to want sex over 50!!

If, however, your tea-loving friend, who wants a cup most days, has made a vow and a legal contract with you that they will never have a cup of tea with anyone else in their life ever, but you now can't stand even the smell of the stuff around you, what price consent?

Things change and so do human beings.

You do not need hrt and pessaries to want sex over 50!!

What part of 'everyone is different and needs/wants different things' don't you understand?

@WalkingThroughTreacle Years ago, I was encouraged by a coercive ex to come off antidepressants in case it would mean he got more sex. I got so depressed (because I needed that medication at the time) I think he actually got less sex lol. I was not bothered with the lack of sex, I was content as I was and it wasn't a problem for me. I shouldn'tve come off them.

I saw him once a week even though I'd moved to be near him, because every time I went over to see him, there was the expectation that he would get the sex he felt he 'deserved.' It was a very unpleasant atmosphere, and there was rape while I was drunk or asleep in the end, or 'I'll only be five minutes.'

I wonder if more is going on in OP's home.

But oh I forgot, they've all lived happily ever after.