I Love my Wife.

[GunnerRyan1968]

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening.
I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future.

My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily.

I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

My thoughts are that anyone who writes "Thoughts?" at the end of their OP is a man who thinks women owe them. Therefore i think there is more to your wife's lack of libido than menopause. Do you expect her to meet all your needs, emotional and sexual? Maybe you should understand her as a person rather than an appliance to meet your needs....

At least that would be honest 😂 Your comments are killing me this evening. Very clever.

I just KNEW this thread would boil down to sex from the subject line. The answers are about ‘men hating’ - it’s just that men equate the physical act of sex with love but strangely are more than happy to throw away the woman they love for sex. So it isn’t about lifelong love, companionship and care. That’s a lie. It’s ultimately about getting their dick wet.

Op just own it. You want sex and it really doesn’t matter to you why she doesn’t. She’s been through menopause and says she’s done. She’s not broken or needs fixing - that’s where she is at hormonally and physiologically. It’s a sad deal breaker for you. So stop the coercion, walk away and free her.

can I just read one thread that doesn’t say “get your ducks in a row?” 🤮 so cringe

You're right, it is a life stage rather than a medical issue. Medical help can cover some of the symptoms to make the transition more bearable though. When post-menopausal, we just have to accept it's part of aging. When we get married, we want to age together. It's a life stage. What if she was still up for it but the husband couldn't manage it? Wouldn't he want understanding for that?

Presumably she is aware that your wish is for sex every day - she may feel that if she opens the floodgates by a even chink she will have to deal with the deluge!

There is nothing worse than feeling forced/manipulated into sex when the desire is not there. You cannot unfortunately make her feel that desire - it is not something with an on/off switch. I understand that it might be hard for a man to grasp that sometimes desire is at such a low ebb that it is as good as gone - or to imagine someone trying to persuade/nag you into sex when the desire is not there. It is often hard to put oneself into another's place, and this in this instance it is particularly difficult.

There's always medication to lower your libido.

Why is it unreasonable to want sex with your wife? Just because a man started a thread about drifting apart and mentions lack of sex. Sex is important in the majority of relationships, I think most people would be upset if they loved their husband/wife but the physical part stopped. He merely points out he isn't looking elsewhere, he wants a relationship with his wife who he loves.

You need to build intimacy up very very gradually. Do activities together, put down your phone, be tender and funny.

It is a normal life stage. So why is it not OK to expect a man to accept it as such? Why must it be down to a woman to either have sex she doesn't want or to medicate herself, with all the risks and side effects that entails? Perhaps if a man wants to have sex daily for the rest of his life and this is all-important to him, he needs to consider whether it's wise for him to commit to marriage with a woman for life, knowing that women frequently experience a loss of libido as part of the natural aging process. The default mindset seems to be that men should get their needs met at the expense of women's.

And actually, having sex isn't a "need" anyway. I wish there was an edit function 🤯

Of course. What part of the information he’s posted suggests that he’s not understanding?
she’s the one who wants no intimacy at all, expects him to be celibate and refuses to talk about it

where’s her understanding of his feelings?

Not at all.

and if they’d discussed it and reached a mutual understanding around their mismatched expectations I’d agree.
but withholding all affection from your partner and refusing to discuss it, is not a reasonable or healthy strategy in a relationship.

it’s a significant change to a relationship ‘norm’ compounded by a disregard for the impact on the other person and a refusal to even engage in normal affection for a partner.

you may think unilateral significant relationship changes with no communication are fine. But many of us don’t feel that one partner should hold the other hostage to their preferences.

What part of the information he’s posted suggests that he’s not understanding?

Cos he's made a whole thread p*ssing and moaning about it.

you may think unilateral significant relationship changes with no communication are fine. But many of us don’t feel that one partner should hold the other hostage to their preferences.

@FurAndFeathers Not wanting sex is not a preference- if you don't want it, you don't want it, and your partner coercing/raping you when you don't want it is not ok.

Unless you believe in 'conjugal rights?' I'm Catholic so I probably should believe in that, but I find the idea of women (or anyone really) having to shag someone when they're not in the mood for sex difficult. Being single has its upsides.

It's not my preference to not feel like I can physically handle sex some days.

Darn it, that should be CAN'T

I don't know the wife's POV but I think the rest of my posts acknowledge his feelings by suggesting what I find helpful with my own husband in that regard. Maybe taking that on board might help get his needs met?

His wife might feel worse about it than he does. I know it bothers me when I have to tell my husband not tonight, probably tomorrow because I'm in pain.

What's to discuss? She is experiencing a normal stage of adult female life that occurs naturally with aging. It's not a case of mismatched expectations/someone unilaterally making a decision to change the status quo of the relationship; it isn't a choice to experience the menopause. This is a case of a man marrying a woman who is naturally likely to experience this biological life change but then not accepting this almost universal event when it occurs.

A woman choosing to live with the natural effects of aging isn't making "unilateral significant relationship changes" or exercising a "preference"; she is just living naturally. Women don't choose to go through the menopause. If a man expects his female partner to somehow magically not experience the menopause then the issue lies entirely with his lack of education and unrealistic (and sexist) expectations.

She isn't withholding anything, which is a gross way to look at sex anyway and fairly laden with misogyny, because she does not owe him sex.

Of course some women will choose to take medication to artificially increase their libido, but this should not be seen as the default expectation. Not all women want to take the risks associated with medication, like OP's wife. Rather, men should expect by default that women may well lose (or see a reduction in) their libido after the menopause and view this as a normal part of life, because it is. If they aren't willing to do so, they shouldn't be making promises to commit to a woman until they die.

This.

Plus, look back over the years OP, what has your wife supported you through? I've supported my husband through his illnesses and challenges, some long and serious and endangering to his ability to work. This hasn't always been easy and I've given a lot. I've been quite undemanding in terms of support needs over the years comparatively. So, if he can't support me in kind through this, then I might just be the one to walk away from the unfairness.

Intimacy and closeness isn't just about sex, sex is obviously a huge factor, but it's not all everything.

She's been through alot, physically, emotionally and mentally. Whilst she is not ready for sex just yet, showing you love and care for her in other ways would go a huge way in making her feel wanted.

Try booking a couples spa day, a weekend city break for the two of you, cook her a special meal of an evening, compliment her frequently and make her feel like she's still a sexual being.

It will help.

OP there is very little support on MN for men who post about this sort of problem, always the assumption that the man isn't doing his fair share of the housework / childcare and the poor woman must be soo tired. If it was the other way around it would be a different story

'Of course some women will choose to take medication to artificially increase their libido, but this should not be seen as the default expectation. Not all women want to take the risks associated with medication, like OP's wife. Rather, men should expect by default that women may well lose (or see a reduction in) their libido after the menopause and view this as a normal part of life, because it is. If they aren't willing to do so, they shouldn't be making promises to commit to a woman until they die.'

Rubbish! It is absolutely not true that all women lose their libido post menopause and it shouldn't be seen as a normal part of life. I must be ten plus years post menopause and still interested

Rubbish! It is absolutely not true that all women lose their libido post menopause

Good job that's not what the PP said then @CallieQ . They said 'women may well lose (or see a reduction in) their libido i.e it's likely that a lot will see a loss or reduction, but not everyone- or they would just've said will.

Hi @GunnerRyan1968 you seem like a good husband, if you've told her how you feel just give her time.
Don't give up on her and just do those romantic things, flowers, dinner, hand holding walks, leaving a romantic note, sorry i could go on, i love romance!

This. The OP's wife is under no obligation sexually but the OP is entitled to a complete relationship - if sex completes the circle for him (not judging as it would for me) and a resumption of a sexual relationship is not on the cards then it means having to think seriously about the future of the relationship.