Page 5 | I Love my Wife.

GunnerRyan1968 · 2022-12-22T20:54:03+00:00

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening. I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future. My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily. I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

Homealonee · 23/12/2022 07:06

Whadda · 22/12/2022 21:05

I’ve just read the title.

Just to avoid wasting my time, does the post basically breakdown to- “I love my wife but I have an unreasonable expectation of sex and I’m going to insinuate that I’m only not looking anywhere else out of loyalty”?

Why are people such dicks for no reason?

There's nothing unreasonable about wanting sex to be part of your marriage.

LoekMa · 23/12/2022 07:07

Your kids will understand. No well adjusted human would expect their parents to be unhappy just to keep up appearances of being married.

Find your Joy OP. You sound like a handsome, fit, caring man.

LoekMa · 23/12/2022 07:16

Homealonee · 23/12/2022 07:06

Why are people such dicks for no reason?

There's nothing unreasonable about wanting sex to be part of your marriage.

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It triggers them. If youre here alot you will know that many MNer regard sex as something to give DarlingHubs to keep him quiet, or as a reward if he takes on additionsl care work at home after working fulltime and overtime.

Then its omg. How could he feel disrespected and undervalued to the point he began looking for human connection elsewhere

piedbeauty · 23/12/2022 08:00

I pretty much want sex all day long everyday

Are you a sex pest, op?

Ten years is a hell of a dry patch.

I'd your wife happy with you in other ways? Does she still say she loves you?

AlisonDonut · 23/12/2022 08:08

If you want sex all day every day, perhaps she is just bored with it and you aren't actually very good at it?

snowdropdewdrop · 23/12/2022 08:16

My husband doesn’t want sex with me. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3911500-My-husband-doesn-t-want-sex-with-me

The difference in responses when it's a woman posting. 🙄

Bard6817 · 23/12/2022 08:34

snowdropdewdrop · 23/12/2022 08:16

My husband doesn’t want sex with me. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3911500-My-husband-doesn-t-want-sex-with-me

The difference in responses when it's a woman posting. 🙄

:)

I didn’t read it - but we know it’s true.

And for those people who state sexual ‘Need’ is just a ‘Want’ i’d say you were right, but as is ‘love, respect & good communications’ are in exactly the same situation, and as such, the line between want and need, is very fine and varies between individuals…. But the point being made that is true for all, is that it’s very difficult to have a good marriage without any of them for very long periods of time.

Good luck Op, hope it works out for you.

Minimalme · 23/12/2022 08:54

You just need a really frank conversation op. And if you can't have that, part of the problem is right there.

DH and I are definitely in a dry patch right now. We have a very stressful life which we are hoping will be resolved in the new year.

The difference to your situation is that we have talked and agreed we both want to have sex with each other, but it isn't going to happen until we sort out our lives.

In the meantime we try and look after one another, hold hands and make time to have a bit of a laugh together.

If your wife won't talk and doesn't want to work together to find a solution, then I think the relationship may well be over.

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 09:00

snowdropdewdrop · 23/12/2022 08:16

My husband doesn’t want sex with me. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3911500-My-husband-doesn-t-want-sex-with-me

The difference in responses when it's a woman posting. 🙄

I don't think that was a very good example.

LouLou900 · 23/12/2022 09:08

WalkingThroughTreacle · 22/12/2022 21:28

My wife went through the menopause a few years ago and her libido absolutely tanked. We went from 3 or 4 times a week to zero in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I won't pretend I found (or find) it easy but the way I see it is you can't expect somebody to want to eat if they are not hungry, nor can you expect someone to wish they feel hungry when they don't. Unless you want her to have sex with you when she is not remotely inclined (and I hope and assume you are not that low) you need to find ways to adjust. Decide what's important to you. If your relationship is more important than sex then accept that she is just not hungry and may never be again, she doesn't even miss being hungry. Find other ways to enjoy some physical intimacy (I've become pretty damn good at back massages, which my wife never turns down) and focus on other aspects of your relationship.

There are things your wife could consider that might improve matters, like HRT. But surely that has to be a decision she comes to herself, or not, without pressure? My wife ruled out HRT. I personally don't agree with her rationale (I think she has overestimated things like increased risk of cancer) but it's not for me to dictate her healthcare choices or try to persuade her. I might consider that if her life is on the line but not because I'm not getting sex.

It's not easy going through the change with the woman you love but trust me, she got a lot more going on than just lack of libido. Time to remember what love really means.

This. 1000%.

FurAndFeathers · 23/12/2022 09:21

OldFan · 23/12/2022 00:17

What part of the information he’s posted suggests that he’s not understanding?

Cos he's made a whole thread p*ssing and moaning about it.

you may think unilateral significant relationship changes with no communication are fine. But many of us don’t feel that one partner should hold the other hostage to their preferences.

@FurAndFeathers Not wanting sex is not a preference- if you don't want it, you don't want it, and your partner coercing/raping you when you don't want it is not ok.

Unless you believe in 'conjugal rights?' I'm Catholic so I probably should believe in that, but I find the idea of women (or anyone really) having to shag someone when they're not in the mood for sex difficult. Being single has its upsides.

Cos he's made a whole thread pssing and moaning about it.*

do you post that sort of response to every thread in the relationship boards? Or just the ones started by men?

do you believe only women have a right to ask for advice and support here?

I’m very aware of the ingrained misogyny in society but that does not give you the right to bully and belittle other posters here simply because they are men. you might want to check your own sexism . You sound incredibly unpleasant.

literally no one on this thread has suggested men have a right to sex except you .

FurAndFeathers · 23/12/2022 09:29

Puppers · 23/12/2022 00:44

What's to discuss? She is experiencing a normal stage of adult female life that occurs naturally with aging. It's not a case of mismatched expectations/someone unilaterally making a decision to change the status quo of the relationship; it isn't a choice to experience the menopause. This is a case of a man marrying a woman who is naturally likely to experience this biological life change but then not accepting this almost universal event when it occurs.

A woman choosing to live with the natural effects of aging isn't making "unilateral significant relationship changes" or exercising a "preference"; she is just living naturally. Women don't choose to go through the menopause. If a man expects his female partner to somehow magically not experience the menopause then the issue lies entirely with his lack of education and unrealistic (and sexist) expectations.

She isn't withholding anything, which is a gross way to look at sex anyway and fairly laden with misogyny, because she does not owe him sex.

Of course some women will choose to take medication to artificially increase their libido, but this should not be seen as the default expectation. Not all women want to take the risks associated with medication, like OP's wife. Rather, men should expect by default that women may well lose (or see a reduction in) their libido after the menopause and view this as a normal part of life, because it is. If they aren't willing to do so, they shouldn't be making promises to commit to a woman until they die.

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Are you aware that not all women experience exactly the same effects of the menopause?

and that there may be other things going on for her unrelated to the menopause?

how will he know if she’s not willing to talk?

but perhaps you think 10 years in a relationship with no affection or discussion is normal. And yes she’s withholding plenty - intimacy, conversation and affection do not have to be associated with sex.

a refusal to acknowledge or discuss her partners concerns show a disregard for his feelings.

honestly are you genuinely suggesting that 10 years with no affection and an absolute resistance to talking about it, is a perfectly normal relationship and the OP should just suck it up?

if so you either have a very low bar for relationships or think it’s ok to treat your life partner with total disregard and contempt.

PrincessConstance · 23/12/2022 11:08

LoekMa · 23/12/2022 07:16

It triggers them. If youre here alot you will know that many MNer regard sex as something to give DarlingHubs to keep him quiet, or as a reward if he takes on additionsl care work at home after working fulltime and overtime.

Then its omg. How could he feel disrespected and undervalued to the point he began looking for human connection elsewhere

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The forum has a significant number of projecting, scornful, deliberately malicious posters. Posting under the veil of supporting the ops.

FurAndFeathers · 23/12/2022 11:11

PrincessConstance · 23/12/2022 11:08

The forum has a significant number of projecting, scornful, deliberately malicious posters. Posting under the veil of supporting the ops.

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Some folk really do struggle with the concept of an alternative perspective/difference of opinion!

emptythelitterbox · 23/12/2022 11:22

Puppers · 22/12/2022 23:58

It is a normal life stage. So why is it not OK to expect a man to accept it as such? Why must it be down to a woman to either have sex she doesn't want or to medicate herself, with all the risks and side effects that entails? Perhaps if a man wants to have sex daily for the rest of his life and this is all-important to him, he needs to consider whether it's wise for him to commit to marriage with a woman for life, knowing that women frequently experience a loss of libido as part of the natural aging process. The default mindset seems to be that men should get their needs met at the expense of women's.

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Men are free to medicate themselves to reduce their urges but of course they won't.

FurAndFeathers · 23/12/2022 11:24

emptythelitterbox · 23/12/2022 11:22

Men are free to medicate themselves to reduce their urges but of course they won't.

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Which medication is that please?

OldFan · 23/12/2022 12:03

you might want to check your own sexism . You sound incredibly unpleasant.

literally no one on this thread has suggested men have a right to sex except you.

People have said/implied that those in a marriage should be able to assume they can get sex from their spouse as part of being in a marriage.

All I did was ask you a question @FurAndFeathers . You responded with obnoxiousness and personal attacks.

CallieQ · 23/12/2022 12:04

@JeezLouiseErrrr maybe not a good example but there ARE always differences when women post about this

CallieQ · 23/12/2022 12:05

Men are free to medicate themselves to reduce their urges but of course they won't.

This is unbelievable!

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 12:23

CallieQ · 23/12/2022 12:04

@JeezLouiseErrrr maybe not a good example but there ARE always differences when women post about this

You're ignoring the many sensible and truthful comments for the odd ones sticking out. this is the internet, you are bound to find people you disagree with. It's pointless to keep going on about if it were a man posting like there has been recently a huge amount of random posters popping up on threads to tell us this, you can't compare apples to oranges that's not what equality is about. A woman who is breastfeeding and has a loss of libido or menopausal is not the same as a man who isn't going through these hormonal changes of course the advice wouldn't be the same! Also, that link quoted was about a 29 year old couple with different reasons for lack of sex. It's really tiresome this constant accusation of double standards. If you think this forum is so terrible, why bother reading it? You aren't legally bound to comment and nobody assigned you as the misandry police. Feel free to frequent r/mensrights on Reddit, I'm sure it will be more your cup of tea.

OldFan · 23/12/2022 12:26

@CallieQ People were responding to the suggestion that women are obliged to take medication to try and raise their libido. It's about as reasonable as asking men to lower theirs with meds.

Which medication is that please?

www.healthline.com/health/how-to-decrease-libido

BadNomad · 23/12/2022 12:36

No one is obliged to do anything about their own libido, but there is also no obligation to accept anyone else's when it affects you.

PrincessConstance · 23/12/2022 12:40

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 12:23

You're ignoring the many sensible and truthful comments for the odd ones sticking out. this is the internet, you are bound to find people you disagree with. It's pointless to keep going on about if it were a man posting like there has been recently a huge amount of random posters popping up on threads to tell us this, you can't compare apples to oranges that's not what equality is about. A woman who is breastfeeding and has a loss of libido or menopausal is not the same as a man who isn't going through these hormonal changes of course the advice wouldn't be the same! Also, that link quoted was about a 29 year old couple with different reasons for lack of sex. It's really tiresome this constant accusation of double standards. If you think this forum is so terrible, why bother reading it? You aren't legally bound to comment and nobody assigned you as the misandry police. Feel free to frequent r/mensrights on Reddit, I'm sure it will be more your cup of tea.

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You ruined your post with your last paragraph. This revealed how you really feel.

I do wonder why men post asking for advice. They nearly always receive a negative response.🙄

CrispyEgg · 23/12/2022 12:46

This reply has been deleted

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Thingshavebecomeweird · 23/12/2022 13:01

OP. Some people on here are bonkers with an agenda that they are hell bent on pushing. I.e. sexless marriage is absolutely fine if the woman wants it that way.

My marriage was sexless. I didn't fancy my husband and reading more about it, i have always been fairly typical of female sexual beahviour, in becoming bored after 1-2 years. i am now 48.

My current relationship ship is 2 years old and very sexual. Daily or more. He is 53. I am sure that will quieten down eventually.

in your shoes, you need to have a chat with your wife. She wants the comfort of marriage on her terms. You do not. There has to be a benficial solution to both or the marriage is unfair and a sham.