I Love my Wife.

[GunnerRyan1968]

I don't know where to start, So the thread title is my opening.
I really love my wife with all my heart we have been through real tough times and also some great times, but over the last 10 years or so have drifted apart. we used to be inseparable, but not in each others pockets but now it's different and I'm worried about our future.

My wife has been through the menopause which was hard for her, i supported her through this and it meant that our physical relationship deteriorated. unfortunately this kept deteriorating until we now do not have intercourse unless Santa is due (If you get my meaning) I am still very fit and active physically so struggle with this, as in my head/mirror i am still 21 and want/need that closeness daily.

I have tried thousands of times to discuss this with her, so that we can find ways forward that are acceptable to her, but she dismisses me out of hand with comments that are quite hurtful like "You shouldn't be thinking of things like that at your age" I know she loves me, but to me it's like she is saying "The shop is closed get over it!" It's causing a huge strain, but i am fiercely loyal to her and would never look elsewhere. I'm just looking to rekindle a little of what we had before. Thoughts?

Also so meh about how the response to men is so different. Woman says dead bedroom - it’s all LTB etc. it’s really not unreasonable in the slightest to want sex from time to time. If there’s a long term mismatch you have to decide whether you can live happy like that, or happier out of it. That had to be both parties responsibility to cultivate their relationship. That doesn’t mean having sex when you don’t want it but equally you have to understand the flip of that is someone doesn’t get their needs met.
OP you sound like a decent guy. Ignore the gender driven approach here

Yeah. It’s like a poisonous attitude seeping through the whole forum though. I can’t really read it and not say something.

Hi OP,

Despite the man hating comments from the usual suspects there’s some decent advice from others.

As guy to another guy, i have to respect the stance you are taking and trying everything to find a solution…. You know as well as i do, most guys wouldn’t wait around or try anything and a decade of an annual event is no meant feat to handle. Most guys would stray and if they got caught, they’d be perceived the bad one and thus in some peoples minds, justifies the near abuse you are getting. Mad when youbare one of the good ones for being patient and staying strong and loyal.

I don’t have any answers i’m afraid, just keep up the efforts you are trying for as long and as hard as you can.

@C1N1C "or as one charming lady above said, oh you must be looking to cheat!"

If you're talking about my comment, I didn't say he must be looking to cheat, it was listed as an option. Granted not one I'd recommend but I don't know why you're so horrified like it doesn't happen.

@JeezLouiseErrrr why are you being so rude?

@snowdropdewdrop When was I rude?

🤔🤔🤔🤔

You can’t issue an ultimatum because the sex you end up having may not be truly consensual. But you can line up your ducks in a row to potentially leave.

That was in response to his sperm count comment. Taking it kindly, it was irrelevant TMI. Why did you name change just to ask me this?

@GunnerRyan1968 For quite a lot of women, menopause means they never have a desire for sex again. Some women are like that and some aren't. Some still have a libido but use lube so sex isn't uncomfortable.

My wife ruled out HRT. I personally don't agree with her rationale (I think she has overestimated things like increased risk of cancer)

@WalkingThroughTreacle I don't think many doctors advise using it for long nowadays as they don't see it as worth the risks. It's mainly advised for unpleasant symptoms while going through the menopause and once the person is through it they come off HRT slowly and that will be on their doctor's advice as I understand it.

Still not helpful...

I name change frequently, what's it to you?

I just have no idea why anyone would think it is ok to require physical fidelity from someone they neither touch nor have sex with any more.

I think you need to talk but I also can't imagine that she is really going to understand. She deserves the chance to though.

Maybe ask the GP for libido-killing drugs? There are a lot of them. Antidepressanrs or female hormones maybe? Women are often required to think about libido-increasing drugs if we don't fancy sex so maybe consider it the other way round.

I'm not someone who finds the idea of physical infidelity the worst thing in a relationship, though I know it's unbearable for a lot of people. Again something to consider. Ask her if she'd be ok with you going to play golf once a month for a day (assuming she doesn't like golf). If that's OK, then why would a day in a hotel having sex with someone be so bad?

@PermanentTemporary But he is very virile man. A typical man who wants to play golf all day every day. Once a month is just not going to cut it I'm afraid.

You're very boastful OP. I'm not even menopausal but that would turn me off.

Maybe find Jesus, repent of pride/narcissism and she might find you more attractive.

😭

no advice, but am in exactly the same situation so following for advice

God I hate MN. If my DP only wanted sex once a year I'd be completely devastated, really destroyed. Sex is so important to some people to maintain closeness and intimacy.
OP I'm afraid you need to really, really talk to her. And if this doesn't change, make plans to leave.

As a woman in the perimenopause stage, I'll weigh in. It's quite normal that you want sex with your wife. My husband is incredibly understanding and that makes me more willing to have sex with him. I feel he cares, I don't feel pressured and I trust him.

Has your wife got medical advice? Not so much to want sex, but to discuss the issues that are putting her off sex, like irritation, if that's a factor. It doesn't have to be HRT or nothing. There are other options in between. She should seek this advice for her comfort and not to enable her to meet your needs. If she can address those issues, maybe she will start to feel more interested again?

The key thing I have found in my willingness to be intimate with my husband is that he is interested in my discomfort because it's uncomfortable for me, not because of how it affects him. I feel cared for and understood. He read a book about menopause. He accepts that we may need to slow down with sex at this time. Because of this I feel safe with him and know he will be considerate.

Maybe think about how you would feel if you had a horrible rash that burned all over your nether regions. Sex maybe doesn't seem so appealing? Would you want to be pressured to do something that will make it worse for the next couple of days? How would you want your wife to handle that?

Oh yeah, leave her because of medical issues. What part of "in sickness and in health" didn't you understand? I didn't leave my husband when he was struggling with his side of sex.

What part of "in sickness and in health" didn't you understand?

@lifeinthehills People seem to forget any vows they made nowadays. They might as well just say 'until I feel like doing something/someone else.'

Your wife is being unfair and unreasonable to even discuss this with you or to explore a resolution.
I'd sit down with her and explain how it's making you feel and that you want to resolve it. If it can't be resolved then at least you can say your tried and move on to a more fulfilled relationship

well thank goodness your here with your constructive comments to add to the ‘helpfulness’!

@GunnerRyan1968
it really sounds as if the issue here is communication, but the general lack of affection/intimacy is also a concern. How much quality time do you spend together? What do you love about her?

sounds like counselling is definitely worth a shot

she’s post menopausal. When does an entirely normal biological life stage stop being a ‘medical issue’?

It's very sad. This thread makes me feel all the more grateful for my husband. Some days I feel like I'm on fire down there and my husband is understanding, not insisting on sex. This is probably one reason he gets sex, even if he has to wait a day or two. I'm trying a new treatment now which I hope will make it less of an issue. I don't want to experience this either.