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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

255 replies

BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 14:42

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 13/12/2022 14:44

I am sorry you are in distress but it is shocking you opened his mail. That is not your right!

Blowyourowntrumpet · 13/12/2022 14:44

It sounds very stressful. Why are you opening his mail though?

Original poster
BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 14:45

Also before posters mention it. We’re not married but that’s my choice for now.

I own the home in my name only and earn a bit more than DP. So no risks to me financially, infact there would be if we were married and we split.

OP posts:
Droven · 13/12/2022 14:45

Do you always open other people’s letters?

SlashBeef · 13/12/2022 14:46

No explanation for opening his mail??

OatFox · 13/12/2022 14:46

It sounds very stressful but please don't tell him you know. You crossed a line by opening his post and he hasn't told you because he feels he can handle it and doesn't want to add more stress to you. He's not been fired and is handling it. The only reason you'd be saying anything is to make his situation worse. He already knows he's failed and needs to pull up his socks and do the job properly.

changer121 · 13/12/2022 14:46

But why did you open his mail ?
I can't believe you did that - it's completely out of order.

OatFox · 13/12/2022 14:47

I just re-read the post where it says 'I might start telling him to look for a new job'

Fucking hell, mind your own business.

Itsthewhitehat · 13/12/2022 14:47

There’s a few things here.

Theres no need ‘to confront’. It doesn’t need to be confrontational. It needs a discussion. You say he has been supportive of you, you need to step up and be supportive.

The fact that you opened his mail, is going to cause issues. So be prepared for that.

But you also need to be prepared to hear how difficult the recent months have been for him. While it can’t be helped, caring for you and the baby maybe have had an impact here.

But also are you prepared to hear that he is at breaking point now? And his work is suffering?

Basically, are you prepared for what might come out of this conversation?

DiaDeLluvia · 13/12/2022 14:48

@OatFox i can’t imagine many people would be able to pretend they didn’t know something like that… it’s just adding layers and layers of dishonesty to the situation. Not great for a relationship.

OP…why did you open his post?

girlmom21 · 13/12/2022 14:50

You shouldn't have opened his mail. You also shouldn't be angry with him for not telling you.

Were you aware of previous warnings? Final warnings take a decent amount of time to get to.

Are you in a better place now?

It's easy for him to be a model employee.
He needs to pull his socks up and toe the line.

tenbob · 13/12/2022 14:50

Gosh, I was with you right up until I saw ‘his fault though’

the poor guy has been dealing with supporting you, plus new parenthood plus general life stress, and has dropped the ball with work. I don’t think an attitude of ‘his fault though’ is going to be helpful for either of you.

Youve got a couple of things here…

Firstly, you opened his letter and need to explain to him why you did that.

Then you need to make sure he knows there is no judgement from you for not telling you, and check he has managed to get support elsewhere, such as a friend or family member.

Short term, you need to look at how you will go back to work full time, including what childcare options are there, and he needs to start looking for a new job as a back up option

it might not have been your dream or plan to go back full time but pretty much everyone is making changes and adaptations to life at the moment to deal with costs.
Being a responsible parent is doing the right thing by all of you to keep everyone warm and safe and secure and happy, so you shouldn’t ever feel bad when you have to do that

OatFox · 13/12/2022 14:50

It was more to do with OP's mental health. If she confronts him, there's going to be a lot of baggage coming out of that conversation that she may not need to hear right now while she's unwell.

Original poster
BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 14:52

I’ve come here for advice and you’re talking about the letter? Isn’t that a red herring?

But to clear that up before I thread derail, we open each others Mail. As in whoever happens to be around when the postman comes sorts the letters. We never usually get any interesting letters that aren’t bills!
We share finances so whoever opens it deals with it. So for example the water account is in my name, but when the bill comes in the post DP will open it and go online and pay it even though the letter was in my name.
Weve done it this way since we first ever moved in together and it’s never been an issue. Usually our letters are just bills.

OP posts:
tenbob · 13/12/2022 14:52

And why are you talking about splitting up?

You say he has been your rock, and supported you through a very dark time while being a good parent.

So why would you immediately think about breaking up?

girlmom21 · 13/12/2022 14:53

It's not a red herring. Maybe he felt that was the easiest way for you to find out, if he knew you'd read his mail.

He was clearly scared to tell you. Go easy on him.

FTY765 · 13/12/2022 14:53

How long has he been at that company?
Because if he's been there years and this is just happening now, there is likely to be more going on, either he is struggling coping at home with new baby etc, or there is something going on at work.

BessieSurtees · 13/12/2022 14:53

I think you may be catastrophising if you are unwell. You have already said he has carried this burden himself while looking after you.

obviously the first thing is how can you even think about opening his post?

second thing when you say time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes is stupid do you mean stupid of him?

why can’t he just rectify those things as any employee would need to do?

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2022 14:54

My husband and I open each others post. No big deal on that front here OP.

Myneighboursnorlax · 13/12/2022 14:55

The attitude of “confronting him” and “his fault though” seems really harsh after you say how supportive he’s been of you. I’m sure he’s been worried about you, which won’t have helped with his time keeping and mistake making at work. The times he’s been on his phone, has he been contacting you to make sure you’re ok? It sounds like he’s been dealing with a lot, trying not to make things worse for you. Go easy on him.

DiaDeLluvia · 13/12/2022 14:55

@tenbob she didn’t mention splitting up did she?

your letter opening explanation sounds fair but might be something to revise moving forward. You need to both have a private life even within your relationship. Not that I don’t think he should have told you about this.

some people are insinuating that this is none of your business. I disagree. You’re so vulnerable as the mother of an infant and your separate lives become much more intertwined. It’s natural to have expectations of each other. I’d be the same in your position.

a calm conversation is what’s needed, and a plan moving forward. Sounds like you have it all in hand, even if you feel naturally incredibly anxious right now

onefedupmum · 13/12/2022 14:56

I'd be telling him he needs to look for a new job pronto and pack that crappy attitude towards work in straight away.

He's a grown adult not a teenager at school!

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 13/12/2022 14:58

It sounds like he was trying not to worry you. You really shouldn't be opening his post. It's actually illegal to do that.

Some companies hand out disciplinaries like sweets. I would be cutting him some slack as a new father for things like that.

This is definitely not a reason for drama

Hoplesscynic · 13/12/2022 15:04

Myneighboursnorlax · 13/12/2022 14:55

The attitude of “confronting him” and “his fault though” seems really harsh after you say how supportive he’s been of you. I’m sure he’s been worried about you, which won’t have helped with his time keeping and mistake making at work. The times he’s been on his phone, has he been contacting you to make sure you’re ok? It sounds like he’s been dealing with a lot, trying not to make things worse for you. Go easy on him.

Sure, the times he's been on his phone must have been to check if OP was ok.. 🙄
It is his fault if he's not turning up on time, looking at his phone too much and having a bad attitude. These things are entirely in his control. And of course it's the OPs business, they live together, she and her child will be affected if he gets sacked.

mrsm43s · 13/12/2022 15:09

If you're the higher earner and he's a hands on Dad and struggling with his work life, then maybe the best thing to do is for him to either be a SAHP or get a part time flexible job, whilst you go back full time. That way baby would still be with a loving parent for a good chunk or all of the week.

Obviously, since you're not married, he'll have to take some steps to protect himself financially in the event of a break up, just as an unmarried SAHM would. Getting his name on the house etc, reflecting his contribution to caring for your child and enabling you to earn money.

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