DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

My DH and I have always opened each others mail. We are pretty relaxed about that.

Whoever opens the post box, opens the mail.

Do you think your DH has been fairly treated by his employer. For example have they been aware of the stress he has been under. Did he have representation with him at the meeting?

Is he depressed? This can be classed as a disability and is a protected characteristic.

This is the angle I would go in at. Does he need additional support. Consider calling Acas for advice.

Do you realize how entitled and selfish you are? He's helping you with your mental health, takes over when he gets home and all other sorts of things. Do you realize he is a person too? Can you try to imagine the stress that he is under? All the phone calls is probably you complaining about whatever drama you've got on the hour. Where is his support? He is taking care of two people and you are blaming him for that. He is such a loyal and sweet person that he hasn't said a word to you about how it's affecting him. Maybe get your act together and realize that he is only a human and not some superman. Now you're gonna attack him for not being perfect at work? How is he supposed to deal with all that? You need to get into some counseling because the writing on the door is all caused by you. You are supposed to co-parent, not be more work than another child. If you had the clarity to understand what he was going through, I would've shut my mouth. He needs support. Geez, grow up and stop being entitled and maybe you'll find your mental health starts improving. I know it's hard for me to be depressed when I'm actually working and helping others. When I feel helpless or let myself be helpless, it gets bad. Poor guy!

What a nasty and idiotic reply! I’m guessing your comprehension skills are nil or you’ve not read my messages since. Either way you’re not supportive so shouldn’t be on a support forum tbh.

If you two previously agreed to open whatever mail comes in, then wave off these people who say you shouldn't open his mail. Don't let their lack of trust in their partner reduce your trust in DP.

I think you are spot on - DP did not tell you because he doesn't want to stress you further and/or he believes he can take care of it without bothering you.

There are a couple of ways to confront this. You can simply hand the letter to him without saying a word. If he is as caring as you claim he would notice the letter is open and you found out. Then let him talk.

Or you give him the letter and tell him up front that you read it and ask what's going on. Again if he is the person you think he is, he will likely offer you some assurance that everything will be alright or even better give you the unvarnished truth. Trust, but verify.

Congratulations on being a mom. And good luck with DP.

I think some of us were a bit thrown by your "it's his fault" attitude when he sounds like a wonderful partner and that being written up for workplace performance is out of character for him. He deserved the benefit of the doubt while he wasn't saying anything. Glad it all worked out.

You should still have a conversation with him about allowing you to support him just as he has supported you. For whatever reason, men see opening up as a weakness but he has to be made to understand that the two of you are partners now with a child soon-to-be involved; that requires open dialogue.