DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

Typical bloody mumsnet. So many people finding fault and giving the OP a kicking when she's already down and suffering from PND.

I open all the post that comes in this house , if it was left to my husband it would pile up on the side - like it did last week when I was away for a couple of days . I also sort out all the family finances , even his car insurance - I don’t work and he has a full time , full on job .

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

Surely the time keeping, being on phone & attitude are easily fixed?

Making mistakes might depend on the cause.

You should not have opened his mail. That's a real breach of trust.

If the letter was formal and needed to be signed for, it was clear that this was not just a standard correspondence that it was OK for you to open.

He had decided not to tell you probably because at the moment the outcome is still uncertain and you have enough on your plate. You should have given him a chance to tell you when he felt ready.

He could manage to stay in the job or for all you know he might be job hunting because the current role is simply not a good fit.

There are many bad managers and employers out there so if he is generally a decent guy you might also be jumping to conclusions by thinking that the disciplinary is fully justified.

Even if he was to lose his job there are many other job opportunities as well so there is no need to start turning this into a huge drama at this stage.

It certainly is not your place to ''confront'' him or to ''tell him to get a job''. Instead have a neutral conversation about this and start by apologising for opening and reading something that you now realise was quite personal and sensitive. You need to listen first without jumping to conclusion.

If you were my partner I would be furious that you opened this letter and that you would think it appropriate to jump to conclusions and tell me off as if I was a child...

I would have opened the letter too out of curiosity, so would have my dh, we don’t get enraged and offended to the high heavens if the other sees our stuff. Not that either of us is in the habit of it but a formal letter would be so unusual that he and I both would probably open it.

However, I’d be careful to let him know that you support him. He felt that he couldn’t confide in you. He does need to do better at work but first I’d make sure he felt supported and perhaps he can explain what is going on.

I’ve come here for advice and you’re talking about the letter? Isn’t that a red herring?

Could be a red herring for your partner if you're opening his mail. You're not even married. For me that is a massive trust issue. If he's been protecting you from this because you had PND you have slapped him in the face with your dishonesty (in opening his mail)

You need to explain and apologise.

What a poor attitude to have. His fault, screwed you over financially, him playing ball with work etc.
Whilst he's been working his arse off to support you and do everything in your time of need, here you are on mumsnet, complaining about the guy.

Have a think about why he may have ended up in this situation, and return the support. No wonder he felt like he couldn't tell you.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

1. These are not 'stupid things'
2. you should not have opened the letter. It was addressed to him.

I think the reason he’s been on his phone is him messaging me if I’m honest and probably mates too. But I don’t message him much during the day which he says worries him.

Today for example he rang me on his lunch break as I hadn’t messaged him back since 9am and he wanted to check me and the baby were okay.

I think he gets anxious something has happened. This all stems from the time I fell down the stairs when 6 months pregnant and working from home and ended up in hospital.

For the rest of my pregnancy I had to text him when I got into the office or had come downstairs so he knew I wasn’t dead at the bottom of the stairs or something.

Then I had a C section and struggled a bit with baby and the stairs in the morning initially (he leaves 6.45am). So I’d text him when we were both downstairs safely or he’d panic.

So I know he’ll be on his phones in the morning at work awaiting my text. But I’ve told him a million times he needn’t worry and I’d ring him if there was an issue.

Thats the only reason I can think of for the whole mobile at work thing.

The attitude though there is no excuse for at work. Maybe tiredness with baby is all I can think of. But he gets a full nights sleep during the week so no idea why he would be tired?

Maybe it’s a culmination of things.

He is very family oriented with me and our baby but it’s obviously distracting him at work.

OP so you admit his behaviour is due to his concern for you?

Then have a discussion with him when he comes in about what you are both going to do after your maternity leave finishes. And yes it may be worth apologising for opening the letter if you think it will make him feel more at ease about discussing things.

Also make sure he's fully happy about the childcare provider for your DC and either of you can do drop offs/pick ups.

I think he gets anxious something has happened. This all stems from the time I fell down the stairs when 6 months pregnant and working from home and ended up in hospital.

This was very traumatic for you both. He is under a lot of stress and worry then, about you carrying baby down the stairs, or you falling again. Be very supportive right now, he’s gotten into trouble at work and you are his person that he should be able to come home to for understanding and comfort, as he should be for you too.

If he's that anxious he needs to look into getting help.

When you go back to work where will your baby be?

Will he be expecting updates from them?

Don't let him "blame" you for his anxiety.

Has he been supporting you while at work? Is there a chance the time keeping issues and being on the phone has been when he has been a rock to you?

@Greenfairydust

If you were my partner I'd be furious you couldn't read, but we all have our crosses to bear.

However that being said a lot of DPs actions stated have been thoughtless and of someone who is far too complacent at work.

Or someone who is worried about his partner with PND and his child?

READ THE THREAD.

or at least the OPs posts?!

Some people are in relationships where they don't care if their partner opens their mail. I don't know why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the opening of the mail. My parents always opened each other's mail, I open my DH's and would be happy for him to open mine if gave a toss about mail.

A few people have mentioned new employers wanting to know about previous disciplinary action and that is a major concern of mine.

sighhh.. I just don’t know.

So many things have happened recently.

Both our washing machine and fridge/freezer broke which had to be replaced and then like clockwork his car broke down and needed expensive repairs. A massive chunk of savings gone a few weeks before Christmas. Then the COL crisis and heating costing us £9 a day so had to turn it off.

With his pay check and savings we’d be have been fine until January payday. But with a mass of savings dipped into and his job in jeopardy things have taken such a turn.

We’ll still be ok I think. I just need to speak to him and make an action plan.

Im not allowing myself to make this catastrophic in regards to my anxiety. Life has ups and downs I guess and this is just one of those things we’ll get through.

My gorgeous baby needs happy and well supported parents.

Why don't you go back to work FT in January and have him stay at home with the baby? Sounds like the best option all round, really.

There's only one thing you can or should do here: trust that he's going to sort it out. He's obviously dedicated to his family, and he's a stressed guy doing what stressed guys do: shielding you from his stress at a time when you really don't need it.

Additionally, though, you need to talk about it because this kind of secret bubbles nastily under the surface. Do not say anything along the lines of, "You've screwed this up, now I'm stressed and you need to figure out how to solve both of those problems". Instead, tell him that you opened the letter and read at least part of it, and ask him what he wants to do and how you can help (if at all). Don't go in with the "What if...?", imagining all the things that can go wrong - I absolutely guarantee that's all that's been going through his mind in the last few days.

From what you've said about him, he may react emotionally to begin with, but I'd bet that he'll see the practical side and be able to talk rationally and productively about it once the initial surprise has worn off.

Sounds like your DP could be suffering with depression himself too, worrying about you and being distracted at work. He might benefit from a visit to the GP and some time off work before deciding how he wants to move forward with work. If he has previously not had any performance issues at work then this could well be the case. I would just be as supportive as possible and encourage him to open up about how he is feeling.

Why have you opened his post?

The bit about a new employer wanting to know previous disciplinary history could be spun, based on your previous posts.

They're a "sack happy" firm that will readily let people go - if your DP goes for an interview in the same industry they're likely to know them, and know that.

You've had a rough time, which in turn has had a knock on effect to him. He can acknowledge the reasons for the disciplinary were performance related though the issues were directly connected with personal issues that have now been rectified.

I would encourage him to seek some support though about his anxiety over you and the baby though. If he's so worried about you not replying that it's affecting his work performance, he may need some help too. PTSD can affect those surrounding the direct trauma too.

There's certainly no harm in him looking for a new job though - it's a candidate driven market in many industries though, so it may just be the right thing for him.

Ffs @Cas112 at least read the OP's posts before asking a stupid question