DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

Massively crossed a line opening his post

You may both be happy to open each others post. But the minute you realised how private it was, you should have stopped reading.

He'll know you've opened it. So you need to create a quiet calm time to discuss it and ask if there's anything you can do to help him get back on track. Ask him if everything else is ok. Ask him if he's struggling elsewhere.

Focus on him and how you can help him.

Ughh opening his mail....

Agree with a PP that perhaps you should be going back FT and him taking on a PT role would be best for now, if you earn more.

It’s like a parallel universe on here, woman on maternity leave, stressed and worried , partner on final warning so likely to loose Job and posters are only caring about the fucking etiquette of opening each others mail. Fuck me. You couldn’t make it up.

my husband and I open each others mail. What’s actually wrong with people they’d attack the op over this.

op, I’m sorry you are going through this, it does feel like he is not performing and yes he should start to look for alternate employement, if it’s at final warning rhis has likely been going on for some time

id talk to him gently though, say you opened the mail and want to discuss it, that you appreciate he didn’t want to worry you but you can talk and make a plan to get through this.

I’m not leaving him!!

But it’s definitely my business if he’s had a disciplinary and is on a final warning. His income is all we have right now.

Im going to see what he says and see if he thinks it’s time to look for a new place of work as it sounds like DP isn’t happy at work from reading the report.

I know his organisation is very ‘sack’ happy as over the years he’s told me about quite a few people who’ve been let go for various issues. They are target and profit centred and quite ruthless. However that being said a lot of DPs actions stated have been thoughtless and of someone who is far too complacent at work.

But a PP mentioned about other warnings and it does refer to him having been told previously about a few things which he’s still continuing to do. So in that way it is ‘his fault’.

He’ll be home in a few hours and I think I’m going to address it from a supportive standpoint.

Im more worried about how things will plan out for us now over the next few months.

I just know everyday I’m going to be anxious he’s going to come home and say he’s gotten the sack.

Poor bloke. He’ll hopefully be glad it’s out in open.
Has he gone it alone or had union support?
It sounds more like struggling as new dad and your Illness - tiredness etc.
I’d have a calm conversation with him. Does he want to stay or would him sahd/pt be better. If he moves on some applications may ask about disciplinary record.
I’d seriously think about your job. Safest option is to go back full time then reassess when things are more settled.

I definitely wouldn’t get into blame likely back up and clam up. It definitely sounds tiredness related and perhaps worry about you and baby eg checking phone to see if you are ok.

People are such cunts on here sometimes. Talk about focusing on the least minutiae, while spectacularly and deliberately missing the point of the OP! She has every right to open his letters if that's their agreement! And it's just as well.
As for telling the OP it's none of her business - they have a baby, live together, share money and bodily fluids. Of course it's her business. It's not like it doesn't affect her!

OP, I'd tell him that you know and then get the whole story from him. Be gentle, he was clearly trying to shield you. But you do need the whole story. Final warnings don't just happen, so clearly things have been going pear shaped for some time.

Him going part time on a new job might be a good idea. I wouldn't put a man's name on my house - presumably he isn't paying half the mortgage. Or is paying less than rent? I would make sure he wasn't disadvantaged by sah though, so maybe contribute to his NI stamp or pension.

I imagine he's also struggling with a new baby and supporting you. Sounds like that's effected his work not surprisingly.

@Winterswomderer thank you! Yes I wish I’d never mentioned that bit or put a disclaimer in the OP as the thread has become sidetracked by it and most replies going forward will probably be relating to that now and not the actual issue.

@Dixiechickonhols He went alone bless him.

Yes I’m going to be very supportive.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

So you’re allowed to be depressed and crying, he has to be your rock - but he isn’t even allowed to be a little bit sad? he’s carrying the whole family, earning the wage and coming home to take over everything - cooking dinner, doing bath and bedtime - what are you doing to support him?

we open each others post here too I didn’t think it was that unusual !

If you are the higher earner is him being a SAHP an option, his company doesn't sound like one anyone would enjoy working for. And if you are on £0 now can you co back sooner

Sounds like he’s buried head in sand. Once you know full story it might be worth him getting employment legal advice.
Wondering if they are trying to force him out to avoid a redundancy pay out if he’s been there years.

@ImAvingOops thank you. yes he was trying to shield me definitely.

We can’t afford for either of us to be a SAHP. He wouldn’t want that either I don’t think.

Of course I’ll have to go back full time for the time being.

I just feel gutted. We had so many plans for the future which won’t be happening. I feel like security has now gone at a time we need it most.

I know you can’t plan for these life curveballs but when TTC everything was planned down to the T. Now it’s been shaken but not because of anything I’ve done if you get me?

Yes good point to check your contract. You may well be able to return sooner than planned. Some people do when the £0 kicks in.

It is her business. You sound like one of those women who come on MN asking for advice because husband is the main breadwinner and controls everything and wife knows nothing and has no access to family funds, only knows what husband chooses to tel her.

They are in a relationship with a child so it’s both their business.

Another ‘post is opened by whoever gets to it first’ here. Almost always my husband as he finishes work before me. OP has said it’s normal for them, no need for people to still be slating her for it. None of anyone else’s business if it works for them

The OP isn't married.

Also if you suffer from PND or some other mental health issue you need to be careful opening letters as it can be a trigger to worsen your health.

@WhatTheHellIsAQuasar thats not fair. I asked him numerous times what was wrong, got him is favourite takeaway and put on his favourite Christmas film.
If he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong then how can i support him? I just gave him his creature comforts whilst he said ‘I’m fine’ all day.

He’ll be home in a few hours and I think I’m going to address it from a supportive standpoint.

So pleased to read this. I was going to say, please don't "confront" him. He needs your support and it very much sounds like he was trying to protect you by not telling you. It sounds like the best thing for him to do would be to find another job, which you have already said, so hopefully you will be able to encourage and support him in that. Perhaps it will even be something higher paying, better facilitating your part time working. Hope it all works out for you.

You're totally in the wrong for opening his letter. I can't believe you did that.

This is the problem here, not his disciplinary.

OP's addressed that. And it's not a disciplinary. It's a final warning. While she's on maternity leave with 0 income.

Please ignore and don’t justify the ridiculous questions about opening the letter, it’s called transparency in a relationship which is something obviously lacking in many perfect MN relationships.

If he gets angry about the letter and tries to make that the focus rather than the bigger issue then he is deflecting.

Many women on MN will rather bury their head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect to keep up appearances.

As some have said you need to bring it up with him but don’t be accusing and blaming, discuss the need to keep you informed of things going on so you can support each other, try to get the root cause of the issues and come up with a plan to either improve things or if it’s better to find another job you can decide together.

Maybe stop opening other peoples mail? Curiosity killed the cat.