DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

Thank you all for your kind and supportive replies. Even the horrified post opening replies.

I am going to make him a cuppa and give him a hug when he gets in and let him offload. I’m going to keep my feelings completely out of it.

Someone up thread said ‘it’s just a job’ and you know what, they are right. It’s not the end of the world. Jobs come and go and it’s not worth upsetting the whole family over.

I manage our finances so I am a financial worrier but there’s no point in worrying at this moment in time.

It does sound like he may have anxiety or depression. It’s such a shame he’s gone it alone as with union support it might not have reached stage it did.
It would be worth getting employment advice. If they want rid and he wants to go negotiating a compromise agreement with an agreed reference - dates worked basically so he can move on might be an option.

Don't be soft. You do realise people have different boundaries to you don't you? Me and DP open each others mail. No problems whatsoever.

He should probably look elsewhere - DH has been in a similar position before (not disciplined, but not passing probation and having it extended and being warned about what wasn't working) and TBH once things have got that far, the odds have been stacked firmly against the employee, as any wrong move means it's over. So he should start looking for something else, realistically it sounds like it won't improve and also, from the kind of issues, that his heart's just not in it. Or else someone in management just doesn't like him and is trying to get rid. Either way, best to look for something else.

He's been really supportive but then going on about leaving- wtf. Sounds very odd, poor bloke.

All I can hear from your post is me, me, me. I wanted this I wanted that and now it's not going to work out for me.

Do you think his silly mistakes at work are due to him having to take over everything as soon as he comes home? Does he get any rest?

Have you ever asked him how he was feeling?

I don't get the bit about confronting him either.

You should be more supportive as a partner. You sound like you're burdening him so much and the poor guys trying to keep it together at home but is suffering at work.

As @Greenfairydust said *You should not have opened his mail. That's a real breach of trust.

If the letter was formal and needed to be signed for, it was clear that this was not just a standard correspondence that it was OK for you to open.

He had decided not to tell you probably because at the moment the outcome is still uncertain and you have enough on your plate. You should have given him a chance to tell you when he felt ready.*

Or perhaps he didn't tell you because of how browbeating you sound.

😂

Christ this place sometimes

@Echobelly this is exactly what I’m thinking. I think any slight wrong doing now and it’s game over and they are basically just waiting for him to slip up at this point.

It maybe worth him jumping before he’s pushed.

It’s like a parallel universe on here, woman on maternity leave, stressed and worried , partner on final warning so likely to loose Job and posters are only caring about the fucking etiquette of opening each others mail. Fuck me. You couldn’t make it up. this. OP explained nearly a hundred posts ago that they open each other’s mail. If you don’t then good for you, but we’re not all the same.

But for the twats on this thread who seem determined to blame the OP for the fact her dh is an incompetent twat who is about to be sacked from his job, how would you be blaming the OP if the same incompetent twat had come home and admitted to the OP that he was about to lose his job?

You don’t end up with a final warning because of being your phone too much. And he and only he is responsible for his attitude at work. But hey let’s blame a woman with PND.

Also, you mention you don't get any money this payday. Do you not have savings or do you just rely on him?

Same here. Just for convenience. Not if it looks like something personal eg handwritten or a card, then we’re more likely to hand it straight over or put it by the other’s place at the dining table in case it got lost.

But as OP says, she’d probably better hand herself in to the police, now she’s been condemned by the court of mumsnet.

Ops not mentioned leaving him at all.

I’ll hold my hands up that I do feel bad he felt he couldn’t tell me and understand why he didn’t.

Luckily I’ve come to the end of the PND fog and I do need to take back control of a lot of things I’ve let slip.

@heartbroken22 have you actually read OPs posts?

She's got 0 this month as she's on maternity and she's reached the end of payments

She stated quite clearly earlier that she's tried to talk to her partner and offered support but he's not volunteered any info, she's offered comfort anyway.

Why are you so determined to see wrong.

OP, I think you're going about this the right way. It must have been a bit of a shock.

I was going to say that I agree with Echobelly too. After Christmas, perhaps he could start looking elsewhere. It sounds like a stressful working environment for him currently. He’ll be on-edge permanently.

I think that he should see the GP about his mental health, too. It sounds as if he’s suffering.

Try not to fret, OP. Make him a cuppa later, give him a hug, and tell him you’re on his side. You’ll be fine.

Going on a bit of a tangent here. I will say one thing in his disciplinary I’m really not happy about is the attitude thing. Sounds like he’s been really off at work with people and that’s not on.

At the end of the day he’s not come home to some woman laying on the kitchen floor crying with a bomb site around her and baby a mess.

He still comes home to a clean home everyday and 9/10 I’m fine. I offload in therapy and not to him.

So although he has got a lot on his plate it’s not enough for him to be mean or moody to others.

I really detest nasty/mean colleagues as it can needlessly ruin other peoples day.

Even at my depth of despair I’ve been polite to others and it looks like DP hasn’t offered his colleagues the same courtesy at work.
That needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think you have been great listening to what people are saying and I think your plan is a good one.

He may get a nights a sleep, bit he is working. His partner has been struggling and he is supporting you, as he should. He is obviously quite anxious about something happening to you and/or the baby. He then comes in and take over all the evening duties including dinner. Again, that’s great. But all that can make someone tired and stressed. He wanted to protect you from what’s going on, which may make him feel more stressed. This all may contribute to his attitude at work. Or that might be a dickhead manger that’s shown him no consideration.

One of my staff had a couple of moment of bad attitude lately. I knew she was dealing with a lot. I told her she couldn’t speak to people like she was, but offered her plenty of support as well. Maybe his manager has just piled the pressure on.

You will know more when you talk. It sounds like he has been doing everything he can at home and work has slipped. But with you feeling better, he might be able to balance it better and then work will be fine.

Bingo. That's how a supportive person helps their partner deal with a shitty situation - with understanding and making sure that "home" is at least a refuge from the crap that goes on outside it.

I sometimes wonder whether the folk who reply to these threads with knee-jerk bullshit actually understand how a functioning relationship works.

OP, I know it's difficult to hear but I think you need to acknowledge that the poor man is almost certainly on his knees from working FT, supporting you and your illness and doing pretty much all the parenting when he's back from work. I had PND and my DH burst into floods of tears one day and sobbed on the floor - I had genuinely been so wrapped up in my own world I hadn't appreciated the impact on him.

Your first concern seems to be you and protecting your ability to go back PT. It should be first and foremost about worrying if he's ok - all the things he's been disciplined for are very much red flags for me as a manager of someone struggling at home.

No! You’re wrong.

Calm down. Op says they always open each others mail. There’s no reason for that to be an issue.

You opened his mail? YABVU

Read the thread. It's not fucking unreasonable. Ffs.