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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

255 replies

BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 14:42

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 13/12/2022 15:45

DH and I have always opened each others mail.

Rotherweird · 13/12/2022 15:45

"I just feel gutted. We had so many plans for the future which won’t be happening. I feel like security has now gone at a time we need it most.

I know you can’t plan for these life curveballs but when TTC everything was planned down to the T. Now it’s been shaken but not because of anything I’ve done if you get me?"

I do get that feeling of disappointment. But honestly I think you need to focus on the fact that he is a hands-on dad, comes home, takes over, and has been so supportive of you during your PND. Don't take that for granted! Yes, maybe it should be the norm, but in my experience and that of all my friends, it's not. He has really shown up when it matters, and he clearly loves you and DC. That's more important than a job. Problems at work can be fixed - by knuckling down or by getting a new job - but your partner being an arse or not pulling his weight is much harder to fix.

If I was talking-to to him about it I'd start by saying "DP I really really appreciate how you have supported me and DC over the last year - you've been an amazing partner and dad. We love you so much" then gently say that you know about work, you realise that it must have been hard to tell you/he was worried about upsetting you, but reassure him that you can handle it, and you want to support him.

NotSorry · 13/12/2022 15:46

If I didn't open my DH's letters in this house, they'd stay sealed

PPs need to stop jumping on OP re: letter opening if both parties are in agreement to them opening each others mail

OP I've nothing to add to the supportive posts, I hope that the conversation with your husband helps you both

sheepdogdelight · 13/12/2022 15:46

So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

You don't confront him. You have a civilised conversation where you offer up your full support. And you don't "tell" him to start looking for a new job. That's up to him.

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:48

The Postal Services Act 2000 clearly states that it is illegal to open someone's post, or delay it reaching the owner.

Bizcoach23 · 13/12/2022 15:49

We open all mail in the first to the postbox fashion too OP, it’s not that big a deal if that’s the deal.

I think pick your time when baby is in bed and simply say ‘I opened your letter from work today’

and let him talk

Mirabai · 13/12/2022 15:49

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:48

The Postal Services Act 2000 clearly states that it is illegal to open someone's post, or delay it reaching the owner.

😂

Anyway - what is his work history OP?

Original poster
BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 15:49

I’m back at work straight from Christmas so Januarys payday we’ll have my full time pay packet thank goodness.

I’m just trying not to worry and pray things will work themselves out so long as DP plays ball with work until he finds something else.

Im just going to try and not panic now until I go back to work. Luckily DP breaks off on Friday for the Christmas period so he can’t lose his job whilst he’s not there and when he goes back, I’ll be going back too so I’ll mentally feel better knowing my wage will be back when he goes back.

OP posts:
ILoveeCakes · 13/12/2022 15:50

You say he's been a rock for you. When he comes home, you be one for him.

Mirabai · 13/12/2022 15:50

Has he always been a bit slack in different jobs or could his inattentiveness be down to worrying about and supporting you?

Cantstandbullshit · 13/12/2022 15:51

Reugny · 13/12/2022 15:38

The OP isn't married.

Also if you suffer from PND or some other mental health issue you need to be careful opening letters as it can be a trigger to worsen your health.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if they are married or not, they are in a relationship with a child and shared finances, the criteria for being open in your elation ship doesn’t start with marriage it starts when you make a commitment to one another so yes she can open the letter if they have an open transparent relationship.

Tannedandfake · 13/12/2022 15:52

If no outcome is stated in the paperwork received, why do you assume a final written warning?

carefulcalculator · 13/12/2022 15:52

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2022 14:54

My husband and I open each others post. No big deal on that front here OP.

Same here - handwritten get left but we treat business mail as non-personal.

Cantstandbullshit · 13/12/2022 15:52

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:41

You're totally in the wrong for opening his letter. I can't believe you did that.

This is the problem here, not his disciplinary.

No it’s not, seriously that’s the issue here? You must be a troll.

Hoplesscynic · 13/12/2022 15:53

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:41

You're totally in the wrong for opening his letter. I can't believe you did that.

This is the problem here, not his disciplinary.

😂😂😂

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/12/2022 15:53

It would be far better for him to improve himself at work than it would be to look for another job just after a disciplinary. It sounds as though he's really pissed them off.

He needs to grow up, get to work on time, leave his phone switched off and do his bloody job properly. It's not a lot for them to ask!

Cantstandbullshit · 13/12/2022 15:53

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:48

The Postal Services Act 2000 clearly states that it is illegal to open someone's post, or delay it reaching the owner.

Hahahaha ok now I conclude you’re a fool. Why don’t you go report her so she can be arrested and sent to jail.

Lovageandrose · 13/12/2022 15:59

You need to confess to him that you opened his Mail and let him decide what his next step is going to be.

Reugny · 13/12/2022 15:59

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 15:48

The Postal Services Act 2000 clearly states that it is illegal to open someone's post, or delay it reaching the owner.

It actually isn't.

You can open other people's mail as long as you aren't doing it for material gain.

In one househare we had a load of mail arriving and some of it was clearly bank statements including from the bank I was at. That bank actually telephoned me and told me to open the person's mail. They asked me confirmed they no longer lived there, we had no forwarding address and told me to destroy the bank card in it.

Cantstandbullshit · 13/12/2022 16:00

Lovageandrose · 13/12/2022 15:59

You need to confess to him that you opened his Mail and let him decide what his next step is going to be.

No she doesn’t.

She needs to let him know she saw the letter and they need to have an open discussion about what’s going on and come up with a plan which may be how he can improve at work, he looking for another job, she going back to work etc.

keepyertrapshut · 13/12/2022 16:02

ILoveeCakes · 13/12/2022 15:50

You say he's been a rock for you. When he comes home, you be one for him.

This.

You say everything was planned to a T when ttc and this has messed that up, but you didn’t plan your PND, and whilst that’s nobody’s fault it’s an example that sometimes things happen that disrupt the plan. It sounds like your partner has had an intense year - supporting you, dealing with becoming a parent himself and picking up more slack at home. No wonder his work has slipped, and if he works for a company that’s trigger happy with firing that must have been such a stress for him. How sad he felt he couldn’t bring it up to you. This is the kind of thing that makes people depressed (and worse) so you must be supportive of him. He hasn’t let you down. He’s made a slight error in not telling you but it sounds like you’ve had a rough time too so it’s not surprising he doesn’t want ti stress you out.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/12/2022 16:02

I hate to say this op but a reference request may well ask.about time keeping, attitude and disciplinary issues. I therefore think your dp needs to keep his nose clean and be exemplary for a year or two.

Out of interest do you k ow why he has been late for work, on his phone at work or having bad attitude. Is this the norm with him or has he been struggling too. If the latter, I'd have hoped his employer may have been supportive. These things don't usually escalate to formal.procedures without conversations taking place first.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/12/2022 16:02

"However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end."

Because of one life hiccup? Your partner supported you through shit period in your life.How would you feel if he told you "it's beginning of the end". Don't jump into conclusions too quickly, you're obviously very upset, but it's nothing that cannot be fixed. He didn't murder anyone.

Original poster
BlessedandStressed1 · 13/12/2022 16:03

@Willowswood You know what, you are right.

When DP gets home I will tell him that I know he may loose his job. I know that will screw us over financially with a baby to support. But that’s not the problem here. I illegally opened his post albeit with his consent. So I will ask he drives me to the police station to hand myself in and pray they go easy on me. In fact with his testimony of consent in court I may be able to avoid a custodial sentence if I’m lucky.

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 13/12/2022 16:03

my husband and I open each others mail. What’s actually wrong with people they’d attack the op over this

Us too. DH can be away working for a couple of months at a time so something important and time-critical might get missed if I don't although in reality it doesn't tend to be terribly exciting.