DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

You sound like you are a very sensible and decent person OP. I do think though that you are catastrophising rather a lot (I do it myself). Your partner hasn’t lost his job so your future isn’t suddenly up in the air, I appreciate you feel it’s at risk so that’s causing you concern, but to an outsider, he hasn’t lost his job so your reaction feels a little unnecessary. He perhaps knew that you would go into catastrophic thinking mode and this is why he didn’t tell you.

If your baby is less than a year old and he needs support, he’ll be fast tracked for mental health support in the same way mothers are. My husband struggled after our baby was born and this is the advice I was given from a consultant. @BlessedandStressed1

@Oatfox It sounds very stressful but please don't tell him you know. You crossed a line by opening his post

The letter is open, so of course he knows she knows.

There's been enough secrecy. His poor performance at work has probably been related to parenthood/new baby/ OP#s PND, and him carrying the load at home. Now they need to both work together to re-balance work and domestic life and support each other.

It is in fact you that's wrong. As the op and her DP open each others mail. Get a grip

@BlessedandStressed1 I’d also say that he wanted this kept quiet as far as not even telling you about it and you’ve announced it to the internet, I’m not sure that was a good call.

OP, I know it's difficult to hear but I think you need to acknowledge that the poor man is almost certainly on his knees from working FT, supporting you and your illness and doing pretty much all the parenting when he's back from work.

Not exactly a good reason to be late to work, on his phone all day and having a bad attitude to his colleagues...

Read the thread. It's not fucking unreasonable. Ffs

I still think it is totally unreasonable to open a formal signed-for letter FFS - so jog on, I'm entitled to my opinion

You're not entitled to tell the op her and her DP are being unreasonable opening each others post. It have fuck all to do with you and it's not what the thread is about. So if anyone is jogging on, it needs to be you and all the others frothing over post. Jesus wept.

It’s not ‘actually illegal’ to open his post 😂

Only if you intend to defraud.

Well it is, if he's struggling with his own mental health as a result!

Every poster that is making an issue about opening someone else’s mail are either single or not in solid happy relationships.
My DH and I also open each others post, first to the letter box kind of fashion, my grandparents also do it. In fact I thought it was normal in a relationship.

I hope everything works out for you op, it sounds like a discussion will definitely help you both lift a weight from your shoulders and work out a plan

Alright we hear you. Ffs, if you’ve nothing to help her with she’s heard you on the mail you can move on, pile on over. Dust yourself off.

Maybe one day you’ll be an employer and then see how you feel about bad time keeping, on the phone a lot, making mistakes Will you be happy paying his wages.

You are catastrophising. Plenty of employees get these warnings and pull their socks up. Ultimately though he’s an adult and you can’t control his behaviour. Hopefully he’ll heed the warning and improve.

It is a normal relationship. It's only on MN these things are a problem. It's like bank cards and letting DPs use them and no the PINs. In real life it's a none issue... On MN? Well ...

Groundhog day in here.

OP what job does he do and what mistakes has he made? Just wondering if he's put people at risk

When we were just living together, my husband NEVER opened any mail addressed to him. He'd rarely even pick it up off the floor...usually just kicked it to the side of the door or dumped it on the nearest table....they'd usually end up being thrown in the bin, unopened. Used to drive me mental.

Unknown to me, he'd defaulted on a bank loan - he'd started a new job, they'd fucked up his pay for the first 3 months, he just stopped paying the loan, cancelled the direct debit. Didn't bother contacting the bank at all. Letters were coming, including ones that need to be signed for. Long story short, he ended up with a CCJ and the first I knew about it was went bailiffs turned up at the front door looking for payment.

I went mental. Even then I had to literally sit him down and force him to contact the court to arrange a payment plan. His credit was completely fucked for about a decade...he still can't get a credit card with a decent interest rate with anyone. From that date forward I opened all mail coming through the door...didn't matter who it was addressed to.

When is he due home OP?

😂

Bless you.

*know

I always open my husbands mail , it would sit on the side unopened for weeks if I didn’t!

there’s something really off with your tone here - you aren’t his mum you don’t get to lecture him about his attitude. Coupled with the fact you control all the finances and that you’ll be taking things back in hand now your pnd is better, you won’t marry him because you’re the higher earner but you don’t earn enough to support the family (so you aren’t on mega bucks).

I think what’s happened is your plan of working part time and having more children, living the cosy life you planned is up in the air now and because your husband is struggling at work you’re angry. maybe you need to look at whether this dynamic you have of you controlling this stuff going on here is even healthy.

Remember you are reading employers side. You need to speak to him. It sounds like he’s not put up a defence just buried his head. He might have done it or it might not be full story. If he’s usually a nice person acting out of character and being rude etc probably means something else going on possibly mh issues.

I think he can pull this round. Maybe he's been distracted because you've not been very well.

But I think he should also look for another job just in case.