DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

Judging by a lot of the responses on here, he has good reason to fear that. Many posters would be telling him to buck his ideas up, would criticise, would threaten to leave him and would have no interest or sympathy in any pressure he is under.

men should provide. A man not providing is a failure. That’s the message from society, from a lot of posters here, and I understand he’d fear it’d be the same from his partner

The marriage vows state for better or worse. Support him. Stick up for him. Inspire him. Make him want to do better. At the end of the day, it’s a job. He can get another if the worst comes to the worst.

HAve a discussion about it. Anger confrontation etc will not help and it will push him away when he needs you most. Maybe he is overwhelmed. Phones are used for escapism so what is he keen to escape?

Have you spoken to him yet about it ? has he explained his side of the story? you have only seen the employees side. I ahd an issue with an old boss of mine. she started after my previous boss left. took an instant dislike to me..brought me up to hr on constant things similar to what you have said is written in the letter. like being late 5 mins but didn't take my lunch break etc..being on the phone (it was an emergency) my attitude. she was trying to do things that were wrong as she didnt understand the system. up until she came I had no reason to be called into hr ever. she just wanted me out. I did get a final warning and was put on garden leave. lucky enough I was part of a union and fought it ended up getting a pay out and walked straight into another job. she got fired soon after I left I heard..so I would wait and see what he has to say espcailly when you said what type of company they are

In that case perhaps he should be treated like a grown adult and not be told off and instructed what to do by his wife !

He does need to grow up and behave like a respectful adult.
Nothing is for nothing and he sounds like a stroppy always on his phone teenager. Utterly irritating behaviour.
If I was his employer he would be out as soon as it was legally possible.

Likely you’ll need to work FT, it isn’t how you planned it,not end of world though
plenty parents can and do work FT. If his job is in jeopardy you’ll need to step up
Hes going through disciplinary that impacts globally and until he gets a new job or keep clean record

Quick update.

Discussed and it’s all okay.
DP hates his job and has mentally checked out. His team has changed over the past year with lots leaving and being replaced which has changed the culture completely.
Processes have also changed which has made the bonuses near impossible and staff morale has gone.

DP said that he’s been wanting to leave for months but knows we’ve been reliant on him making a certain income whilst on maternity leave. He’s also not wanted to burden me with his work stresses which happen daily. He’s said he’s mentally being holding off until January to do anything as that’s when I go back to work.

He hasn’t had an outcome of the disciplinary as yet but will this week. He said he was going to tell me last week but the washing machine went which caused stress. Then he was going to tell me the next day but that’s when the fridge/freezer went and I went on a bit of a tangent about our savings dwindling and being worried about finances with COL. So he thought he’d wait until the outcome of the disciplinary. He didn’t know they’d send a letter home as he got a digital copy over email.

We’ve decided that he’s going to look for a new job asap as he’s not happy. He’s going to apply for stuff over Christmas holidays.

We just need to pray he gets a warning when he gets the outcome and then he needs to keep his head down until he finds something else.

This is just one of life’s blips I guess. I asked him about how he’s feeling generally and he said everything else is good apart from work. He’s very happy with the house, baby etc. He said he feels his life would be perfect if it wasn’t for work. So hopefully we can change that.

OK,that’s a good plan. He look for something else as a exit plan

You shouldn’t have opened his mail.
He’s most likely not told you because he doesn’t want to give you any additional stress.
I can see that you are very insecure.

Great update. Good luck to your dh on the job search. Sounds like you were both trying to keep each other’s spirits up and not burden the other. A little gift of the Magi happening there I think. Glad you talked, bet it was a relief all around.

Glad you have spoken op. It's the worst when you don't like your job. He sounds a good un. I hope he gets the job he wants

You sound like a lovely couple and a real "team". Yes these blips happen in life eg redundancy, disciplinary etc but the important thing to learn from this is reminding each other you are a team & communication has to always be open (no secrets no matter how bad it seems) they can only be sorted together. Good luck to you both

He has totally disrespected you. Lots of red flags. Secure your finances and plan to leave him.

There, Mumsnet fixes it! 🤓

Great news. Praying for a good outcome!

Could all of the "you shouldn't have opened his post!" people, who have not only been told by the OP that they always open each others post, but also told by many many other posters throughout this thread that they too open each other's post and it's no big deal, please shut the fuck up about OP opening the post!!

Hark at you trying to dictate what people can have an opinion on.

But the op has literally said in their relationship it's ok. It offers nothing to the thread to keep harping on about how in 'your' relationship it's not ok and offering nothing else.

I can't believe the fuss about OP opening her OH's post. If they are both happy with it why are so many posters bleating on about it?

Me and DH open each others post. Most days it is me opening it all as I am home. I don't open it if it is obviously a birthday card for him.

I completely agree with this and was about to say similar!! FFS, it's not relevant to the OP and her DP.

None of those 'transgressions' sounds like a FWW unless he already has been disciplined before and is on a WW. Any warnings are expunged from your record after a year with no recurrence.

@BlessedandStressed1 I'm not sure why the employer wrote to him without an outcome? Is it notes of the hearing? He really should have got advice before attending and he also should have had someone with him. If he's not in a union, he should join right away. They may be prepared to advise him even if they can't represent him as the case has already started.

You need to know whether he is already on a warning, and you need to encourage him to seek advice and support. Some lawyers provide a free initial advice service, or there's ACAS, or CAB. He should have explained the mitigating factors and why he's been a bit distracted at work because of the situation at home. I'd also suggest he speaks to his GP, and avails of any Employee Assistance programmes his employer may provide.

I hope he has at least 2 years' service? That affords him some protection.

As a PP said, a person being disciplined isn't always a bad person (they are, sometimes, but mostly not), and there may be some underlying reason behind the decision to discipline as well.

He should make sure he keeps a written record of every time he's spoken to or has been spoken to about any of these issues - and keeps it at home. He should be offered the option to appeal the outcome of the disciplinary process, and he should do that, because it will be heard by a different panel. He does however need to make sure he has some kind of support and advice in place before attending any further meeting. Sometimes apologising for any perceived misdemeanours and giving an assurance that there will be no recurrence, is helpful.

I am sure it's taken a huge burden off his shoulders, now that he knows you know, and he has your support.

I'd also encourage him to look for another job - he's clearly unhappy where he works and that's unlikely to get any better - plus a new start might well be better for his self-confidence and leave this shithole behind. Best wishes x

I am sorry you are in this situation. For many of us we have struggles and the first year (or couple of years) isn’t plain sailing and it’s really difficult.

Given your situation it’s completely understandable that DP hadn’t been completely focused on work - and by this I don’t mean your PND - I mean the fact you have had a child which means life changes for so many reasons. Lack of sleep, reevaluation of what’s important like wanting to get home at the end of the day vs staying extra hours to get things done etc. All of which can change your priorities and focus at work.

I can also understand why he hasn’t told you. It’s likely not deceit, or burying his head but rather trying to protect you at a time when you are vulnerable. Im not saying it’s right but it’s understandable.

Don’t confront - you’ve both clearly had a tough time and the last thing you need is to beat yourselves up more. Just be there and where you have the strength show him you can support him. Talk to him about how he is feeling, how he is getting on. Trust he will tell you if he needs to.

Id also consider whether you might need to reevaluate going back for more days.

Not easy but I hope you both find the strength to help each other.

You've clearly never been around people with mental health issues.

Sounds like you've had a decent conversation and have a plan, glad you've sorted everything as much as you can for the moment.

Have a good first Christmas with baby.

People need to stop banging on about her opening his mail, so what? We do it all the time. She’s come here for advice, not to be scolded. Anyway @BlessedandStressed1 I hope this works out for you and maybe he should look for a new job. Would they give a decent reference?

That's a lovely update, I'm glad you got it all out in the open and sorted and a plan in place.

But, was he OK with you opening his mail? 😛🤣

If you're the higher earner and he's a hands on Dad and struggling with his work life, then maybe the best thing to do is for him to either be a SAHP or get a part time flexible job, whilst you go back full time. That way baby would still be with a loving parent for a good chunk or all of the week.
Obviously, since you're not married, he'll have to take some steps to protect himself financially in the event of a break up, just as an unmarried SAHM would. Getting his name on the house etc, reflecting his contribution to caring for your child and enabling you to earn money

This is our situation, it works great. DP has social anxiety and PTSD (plus maybe ADHD) so him holding down a stable and well paying job is quite difficult. It is such a relief for both of us to have him as a SAHP.