Can't get over DH not wanting more children

[funder]

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

Oh this is so hard lovely! 💗

I can only see three options for you if he's absolutely adamant about this, and neither of them will be easy 😢

1. You give up your dream of more children and learn to live with this decision 😢

1. You leave the marriage and again, learn to live with this decision 😢 (but with absolutely no guarantees that you will have another child with someone else 🤷‍♀️)

1. Ignore your husband's wishes and 'get pregnant' anyway (the old 'whoops it was an 'accident' scenario 😦).

The first option has the potential to cause huge resentment, and your relationship might not survive anyway.

The second would be a difficult choice with no guarantees that you'd ultimately get what you want.

And the third...well, this is just deceitful and has the potential to implode massively!

I feel for you...I was in a similar situation and went with option 2. It was the right decision for me.

Sending you strength and love...it's not a great place to be in 💗

I’m in the same position. I do have a little more time as I’m early thirties. And my OH hasn’t said ´never’ so I don’t know what to think. I’m considering freezing my eggs so I could have another on my own when I’m in a better position career and finance wise in a few years time.

Problem is given your age, the prospect of leaving, finding someone else to have a child with and getting pregnant are slim, and that's even if you were willing to break up your family for this.

I think all you can do is keep talking to your husband. Does he know how hard you are finding this? What is his response? Not suggesting you should try to twist his arm as I don't think that's fair, but he needs to know how strongly you feel. Also counselling might be something to explore in this situation.

I'm in the same situation. DD is now 8 and I still yearn to have another child, DP is still set that he doesn't want any more. It doesn't get easier though I am getting more numb as the years wear on :/

You need to weigh up what you have to lose a marriage with someone you say you love, a single family unit with a child, to gain what? A hypothetical child with a new partner, whilst losing some time with your current son when he would be with his dad. Why is it so desperately important to have more than one? Is it worth giving up what you have for a maybe with someone else who you might never meet?

@RewildingAmbridge
If you haven’t been in this situation I don’t think you understand how painful it is. Comparable to secondary infertility but with the rage directed at the unwilling partner rather than the medical issues maybe? I would describe the feeling as grief.

@Failingateverything I was told I would never have a baby due to fertility issues, I am very very fortunate to have one. I would've liked to have a bigger family, especially when I was younger, but it's not meant to be. My focus is enjoying the family I have, rather than getting caught in negative emotions that will impact the wonderful child I am so very lucky to have

Hmmm. Maybe it’s easier to accept something is ´not meant to be’ than it is to accept your partner is stopping you having another child.
Anyway, you’re not helping.

Ignoring youre husbands wishes and getting pregnant behind his back is the most abusive sh.t you can do.
Thats the worst advice ever.

No one has said she should do this.

its above, point 3 from springintochaos user

My experience is valid. What if my DH had chosen to break up our family to go and have more babies with someone else? My DH didn't have a particularly high sperm count so do I blame him for that and go and see if I can have another with someone else?
It's very reasonable, albeit difficult, to take emotion out and look logically at what you would be gaining and losing by walking away from your partner and co-parent for a maybe that might never happen.

All of this.

You have a child and a husband you love. There’s lot to be grateful for.

She’s giving sensible practical advice. That’s helping. She’s not required to only post things that you agree with. You’re not the thread monitor.

Also, this Maybe it’s easier to accept something is ´not meant to be’ than it is to accept your partner is stopping you having another child is offensive speculative nonsense that minimises someone else’s feelings about their infertility. How dare you? You have no idea, and (unlike the OP) she didn’t solicit your opinion. Speaking of ‘not helping’.

I don’t see why people’s feeling about infertility are sacrosanct but my feelings about not being able to have the family I want are invalid.
You’re not helping. At all. That’s nit an opinion. I’m telling you your approach of ´be grateful for what you have’ is fucking unhelpful.

However unfair it seems you really have no valid choice. It would be very cruel on your existing child to leave the marriage which is good otherwise for a theoretical chance to have another baby with a different man.

I agree with @SpringIntoChaos all you can do here is choose the least worst option.

I think this will become an increasingly common scenario, as women increasingly expect men to step up and do their fair share, men will refuse to become parents.

Mostly men want the status and kudos that comes with being seen as a family man but they don't want to do the menial boring restrictive work of caring for young children

A child is not the latest iPhone, I don't see how you can talk someone into having a child if they don't want one

You ll just have to accept your husband's position on this. No one can decide they want two+ children until they have had one. And it appears he has made up his mind. You are perfectly entitled to ask for a reason though so at least you won't discover that it could be solvable but too late.

she also said well, this is just deceitful and has the potential to implode massively! So I don't think it was actual advice.

There are two options -

1. Keep your relationship and accept you are not going to have another child; OR
2. Leave the relationship and hope you find another partner willing to have children with you very quickly.

This is one of those circumstances where the person who says "No" has the final say. If it was the other way round and he wanted more children but you didn't, he'd have no right to try and talk you round or indeed to force you to go through with another pregnancy.

You need to decide what is more important to you, another child or your existing relationship. It's hard I know, but attempting to convince him otherwise could equally ruin your relationship and ultimately his choices are as valid as yours.

I’m so sorry. This is very painful. What are your husband’s reasons for not wanting another child? He must have talked it through with you. You deserve that.

I think it's tricky and UNLESS you are faced or have been faced with this dilemma I do not think people should comment.

I think it's a bit like when you didn't have any kids at all - you had no bloody idea.

Time is ticking OP and mainly because of your age it is looking bleak!

There’s a third option if you have the money. Leave and have a baby via sperm donation. Then you have a baby you have sole parental responsibility for and you never have to argue with a man about how to parent them.