Can't get over DH not wanting more children

[funder]

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

You also ,op ,might find that if you decide to leave and start again to have more children with someone else ,you might find he changes his mind ,faced with loosing you ,and being a part time dad ,that might focus him to reconsider and compromise on another child
so you want 3 children
he wants one child
the obvious compromise is 2 children

Yes most men are cunning pigs that have some long term master plan to deceive their partners. Wow what a sweeping generalisation!

Women are permitted to change their mind, as are men. The reality of children is much different to the daydream.

What is going on with MN at the moment?

Grieving for something you never had is in no way comparable to grieving a person who has died.
Its quite possible to validate the OPs feelings for what they are without setting up false comparisons that minimise bereavement.

OP hasn't explained her reasons for wanting another child either.

And as most people's reason for having a child is "I want one" I think DH's reason of "I don't want one" is equally valid. Not that he needs a reason anyway.

OP - some of the problem will be that you are imagining a rose tinted view of the future with your second child and have seen this ripped away. Stop thinking about this - it would realistically never have happened anyway as children don't fit nicely into rose tinted visions. Start thinking about the positives of your future life with the one child you already have.

Yeah OP, manipulate him into having another. That's a great way to maintain a healthy family dynamic...

It's just shit, isn't it. A lot of men don't have that urge to have multiple children like a lot of women get. I think it's hard to know how you will feel about these things until the time comes. At the time he agreed on 2-3 children, he probably meant it, thought he would be fine with it, but now, with the reality of it, he just doesn't want to have to do it again. There isn't really a compromise. It is wrong to have children you don't want just to make someone else happy.

Almost every PP has focused solely on the wants/needs/feelings of the parents, without considering the existing child. I am always surprised by the number of people that would leave their family unit under these circumstances, rather than try to resolve their own issues.

OP, if I was you I would keep talking to my husband, I would seek therapy (both individual and joint) to work through all of the feelings and I would keep my child's happiness and wellbeing at the core of it all - if you focus on their future happiness, you might find it helps to come to terms with your own feelings of loss, if ultimately there are no more children.

I hope you manage to get through this, one way or another; it is a very difficult and painful position to be in.

Op would you both consider some counselling? It might help tease this out and understand each other’s perspective.

I agree with @CosyKnits - your current child needs both you and your DH and a stable, loving family unit.

We're all agreed that the one who says No gets the deciding vote, right? We say this all the time on the pet boards and it's a million times more significant about having a child.

I think counselling is your best option. You need to come to terms with the change in your expectations of your future. If you are cxhurning it over and over in your mind you won't make peace with yourself anf your husband.

You can't have a second child with a husband who actively doesn not want one; it would be grossly unfair on him, on your relationship and on your existing child.

If it's a dealbreaker for you are you're prepared to split up your child's family chasing the idea of a second baby, that's your choice to make, but it isn't the road I'd take.

Find your peace - CBT is good oin these circumstances.

Perhaps you should have some counselling to come to terms with it, as this is possible.

I have an only child, I wanted more but couldn’t because of fertility issues. It took me a while to come to terms with the loss of my fertility however, I have just thanked my lucky stars that I have had a child at all. It takes time but you can get over it.

3. Ignore your husband's wishes and 'get pregnant' anyway (the old 'whoops it was an 'accident' scenario 😦)

What the most stupidest and most selfish piece of advice ever given! If her husband doesn't want anymore you can't "accidentally" get pregnant that's life destroying for her husband.
Anyone and I mean anyone who does this is a selfish piece of shit.

If anyone presented me with such an ultimatum they'd be told to fuck off. Blackmail isn't the way forward.

@onefedupmum This wasn't suggested though.

You should have read the whole post there. She wasn't offering that as advice.

"Few of us end up with the ideal life in one way or another and learn to be happy with what we have rather than hankering for what we don't."

The older I get, the more I realise it is true. Nobody has the perfect marriage, the exact number of children they wanted, great job, super circle of friends, loving GPs.

I do feel for you - I only had one child as my relationship broke down. This caused me a great deal of sadness. But as my DC has got older, I can appreciate more how lucky I am to have one child, and the advantages that having one child has.

We're all agreed that the one who says No gets the deciding vote, right?
Yes but... He said yes to start with and then he changed to no (OP has not said at what point he changed his mind)
whilst I agree that ultimately is wrong to have an unwanted child, it's too easy for men to stitch women up here, generally they only agree to have children because they know it won't impact them too much, if he knows that she will end the relationship because she wants more than one child then he only needs to pretend until it's too late and there's nothing she can do. She has wasted her fertile years with a man who's strategically made sure that he got what he wanted at her expense.

In a similar situation, a relative left her husband and used a sperm donor (officially, not a random hook up).

On the plus side... shes got what she wanted. Turns out the husband was a bit of a dick anyway, so she's well out of that situation.

But its been hard for her, and the kids, and her mother who has had to step in to fill the gaps. Reality didn't live up to expectations in the end.

Concentrate on your child for now. Be the best parents you can.

3. Ignore your husband's wishes and 'get pregnant' anyway (the old 'whoops it was an 'accident' scenario 😦).

This is awful advice, it definitely won't help your relationship and if this was role reversed and the suggestion was he should 'accidentally' make her pregnant this suggestion would rightfully be flamed.
This truly flies in the face of equality and personal rights.

Have you actually talked to your husband about it? What are his reasons for changing his mind? It is hard when your plans and wishes for what you wanted for your future change especially when it’s out of your hands but for me I would have to let my husband know just how badly this is affecting me as sometimes they don’t understand. I’ve had a similar (but not the same) situation and was surprised how much my husband didn’t understand how I was feeling until we really really had a long chat about it.
im sorry you are in this situation tho

Totally agree. Many woman cannot even have 1 child yet OP can't be happy with her one child.

Who in their right mind would give up a happy relationship on the slight chance they might meet someone else and have another child with them?

More likely they will just end up a single mother with just the 1 child

So much wrong with this its hard to know where to start:

a) There is never any obligation ever, with anyone to conceive a child or an entitlement to have one. Basing a marriage on the idea that anyone is "owed" children is grotesque. Imagine if the roles were reversed and the OP was being pressured in this way?
b) The fact that they bounced around a fantasy of 2-3 kids when courting is not a contract. It's not even that the DH is being dishonourable. He wanted to have multiple kids in theory. He has apparently changed his mind. It happens, he's allowed to.
c) Talking about "accidentally" getting pregnant when your spouse has explicitly said they don't want to is abusive, bullying behaviour which is more or less guaranteed to detonate a bomb under the marriage, hurting the existing child in the process.
d) and this may be controversial but I really struggle with the idea that people can feel "grief" over not having as many children as they wanted. Yes it must be upsetting and disappointing if you want multiple children and can't have them. But no one is entitled to a set number of children. Many millions of women can't have any at all. You have a (presumably) healthy child. I know its not as simple as saying "count your blessings" and you may need professional help dealing with this. But by far your best bet is to make peace with the fact you already have a child and seek to give them the best life you can.

This is a thoroughly toxic and irresponsible post from @Merlott and OP I urge you to ignore it.

Tell him that he must have a vasectomy then, because you won't continue to use contraception.

as much as that would get you what you want in terms of a child, it’s generally a good idea to consider the cost to others, including said child.

i knew someone who was an ‘accidental’ baby, who’s mother also believed the father would come around. He didn’t. Not only did the marriage end, but the older children blamed the baby for this and failed to accept her as a sibling, despite the mother’s best efforts. The older ones maintained a relationship with their father, eventually moving in with him when they were able to, whilst my acquaintance never did. I also encountered the same scenario more than once in my old job, but in those cases I was dealing with the parents.

However awful the father’s behaviour, the fact is that people can and do react in such a way, and that’s a risk taken when you pull such a stupid move.