Can't get over DH not wanting more children

[funder]

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

Really good advice. Also there is no guarantee the OP could even have another baby at her age. She might face multiple miscarriages, or have a child with a disability. What impact would that have on her mental health and existing child?

OP
Two important pieces of information are missing
1 at what point did he change his mind
2 is he willing to have a vastectomy
Are you still reading OP?

Or he just could have changed his mind?

A woman I know had a baby 'accidentally' with her husband who said he didn't want a second.

They divorced within six months of the birth, and he has next to no relationship with the child. She owned up to having lied about using the pill to him and he just couldn't forgive her or separate this new child he adamantly didn't want from his anger and resentment towards her. Both behaved abominably, but this is what can happen when you force someone into having a child they do not want.

OP what are his reasons for changing his mind? I felt like you, I was devastated when my DH said no to another baby when our eldest was 3. He was worried about the impact on our family unit, what ifs (what if the baby is ill, disabled, what if we can't afford it). I explained to him that not having another will still change things, as it's something I really want and yearn for and to be told 'no' was heartbreaking and would definitely impact our relationship. I said I would try to get over it and focus on what we have but I couldn't promise I would succeed.

I did my best to put it aside for over a year but I couldn't. I brought it up again and he agreed to try for another. It was a worrying time until DS2 was here safely, I was fretting that if there was something wrong it would be my fault for bringing this onto us.

Perhaps if you can understand his reasons for changing his mind you can either address them.

OP my DH was the same after our first, we now have 3. He loves them all very much. My DH was (imo) a lot more selfish post first child and found the switch to parent hard but he has matured since then and while it is very full on with 3 children he manages his need for me time with the need to balance family life very well. Perhaps once your dc is at school your DH will consider again. I was 43 when I had my last child so it’s not too late.

No one can know for sure but I wonder if, in the past, more women had 'surprise' accidentally-on-purpose babies than they do now? There seems to be more awareness of the importance of consent these days. Tricking a man into becoming a father is a disgusting thing to do both towards the man and the poor child.
The fact some men are stupid and don't take control of their own fertility is a separate matter any women who knowingly risks getting pregnant with someone they know doesn't want a child is really scummy.

You have to decide if you want what you have with DH and DC or leave DH get pregnant with help of AI and/donor egg if need be but consider your DH will most likely want shared care of your only child so you may lose your child for 50 percent of the time. There are also benefits to just having only child. Try to consider these too. Would he consider fostering/adopting a child, maybe an older child if he does not want to go back to nappies again.

Except it may not be just the number of children they have. For me, this was a decision my husband made for us, based on his preference at the time. If OP feels that this is part of a pattern ie just one decision of many during their marriage that her husband will veto, then she needs to consider whether this is a unique decision and a genuine deal breaker for him, or just something he can't be bothered with because it will inconvenience him.

I was too stupid to realise that my husband's decision to not have another child was just one of many key decisions he made that did not take my happiness and well-being into account, and this pattern has ultimately led to our divorce.

It's OK for your husband to decide he only wants one child. Ask him for his reasons and make sure he has considered the implications but ultimately you need to respect his decision.

It's also OK for this to be a dealbreaker for you. It's OK for you to leave and go it alone or take the chance that you'll meet someone else in time to have another child. It's not necessarily selfish as people are saying... relationships become distant and people grow apart for all sorts of reasons. One reason might be that your views of your future life (I.e. one child or two or three) diverge and neither of you feel able to compromise to make it work longterm without resentment. You can't help your feelings, nor can they always be buried or got over.

Having children isn’t something you can compromise on. He probably dreamt of having 3 dc when he was childless, but now the sharp realities of having a dc has hit him. Your Dd has just got to the more independent school age phase and your dh probably doesn’t want to go back to years of nappies, sleepless nights and expensive childcare.

How old is your dh? You’re 40 so fertility declines dramatically in your late 30s. The chances of you leaving your dh, dating someone else, and then getting pregnant is very slim. A 4 year age gap is quite big, but the age gap of your hypothetical dc will probably be a 6+ years gap. You will also have ruined an otherwise happy marriage and stable home for your Dd because of your broodiness.

Also, please don’t be one of those women that ‘accidentally’ falls pregnant by ‘forgetting’ the pill and having sex during your fertile week. Please respect your dh’s wishes.

If you are approaching forty also consider the risks of another pregnancy, which are a fair bit higher both to you and the baby.

If he really doesn't want any more kids, would he have a vasectomy then so you can be done with contraception? Let's see how serious he is.

I think this will become an increasingly common scenario, as women increasingly expect men to step up and do their fair share, men will refuse to become parents

This already is an increasingly common scenario if you look at birth rates across much of the world- though often it's women choosing not to have children at all, when they are given a choice, education, and contraception.

@RewildingAmbridge I'm on the other side of this as at 47 I've long passed the option of a 3rd child. Our youngest is 15yrs old and I have had a desperate longing for a 3rd baby ever since she was 2. That feeling has never lessened, nor eased. My incredible sadness and longing has not changed nor diminished. It has hugely impacted our family life because I have tried everything I can think of to fulfill that void. I started fostering newborn orphaned puppies many years ago hoping that this would lessen my need. It hasn't.

My DH has, during some very emotional discussions, said that I'm obviously not satisfied with the family we have - I can tell you that this kind of remark knocks the wind out of me because it has NOTHING to do with being dissatisfied, and everything to do with loving our two so desperately that I've always wanted extend that.

I was "jokingly" told many times to "accidentally" have a 3rd. This was never ever anything I would consider. We don't have that kind of marriage and I would never want a child of mine to be born into a marriage of resentment. But let me tell you over the years, and still now, I have moments of anger and resentment as I feel DH didn't care to consider my feelings whereas I've considered his. You cannot possibly suggest to someone to just take the emotion out of a situation - if it were that simple there would be no need for antidepressants or therapy.

I 100% understand everything that OP is saying. Her points are valid and her feelings very real. She has every right to feel whatever way she does without criticism.

I don’t think it’s as uncommon as people like to believe it to be. As much as such a reaction can be condemned, it doesn’t change the impact the rejection can have on the child born from this. The mother may get what she wants, but at what cost? These aren’t just short term consequences either, but lifelong ones.

It absolutely is appalingly selfish towards their existing child. No way around it.

OP's DH should not have a child to make her happy. It's not like buying her some new cushions for the living room because she wants them and he can't see the point.

Also not wanting a child because you don't want to be bothered and it will be an inconvenience sounds like a pretty good reason not to have one!

He changed his mind though, I wouldn't have married someone who only wanted one child and would have left if he's changed his mind.

I had wanted 2-3 children, DH was fully on board; after first DC was born, he changed his mind. I was upset, mournful, sad that my DC would not have siblings etc. But a few years down the road it's all fine, I came to terms with it, in fact I'm glad about it now! Not saying that you will necessarily feel this way in time, but it's possible.

I actually think he's being really selfish if you always discussed having more than 1
But....what are his reasons? If he's carrying the burden of the family financially...say you are a low earner / part time / don't work and having a second child would only increase his burden then I'd say unfortunately his wishes prevail unless you are prepared to go back to work / go full time / etc - but that assumes that the only reason he doesn't want more is money related.

If it's his age not much either of you can do about that

Have to say....and being honest....this is why I was always happy to be the main earner by far in my marriage and ultimately the decision to have more children (or not) I felt I had more say in as ultimately it would be me carrying the baby(ies) and then ultimately paying for them

I think people have come to terms with worse things, but only you can decide if you can. It’s not clear whether he’s gone through in detail why, as that at least gives you a chance to see things from his point of view. Although children bring much joy in life, there is many a thread on here from lonely single mothers. Most people would obviously not give up their children for a man, but if they were starting from scratch it might not be so clear cut. There’s plenty who would give their right arm for a good man. I think oftentimes in life it’s learning to count our blessings. But I do see how this has come as a shock and will take time.

An awful lot of people change their minds about how many children they want once they've actually had one. I wouldn't have married someone who insisted that all the decisions we made pre-marriage were set in stone regardless of what happened subsequently.

We don't normally advise women that they have to remain in unhappy relationships for the sake of the children. If this is something that the OP cannot move past, she shouldn't feel she has to stay with a man she resents and play happy families.

If you had suffered terrible birth injuries or post parfum depression (or any other reason) after your first and couldn't face having more, would you have happily expected your husband to waltz away and find another woman to carry his 2nd and 3rd?

Hand on heart, you would have 100% understood and accepted that?

So much for 'for better or for worse'.

I don't think anyone should ever give or hold anyone else to guarantee on the amount of children they're going to have. It's selfish to the children to say the least.

So true.
There's the romantic version of having a bunch of kids and the reality!

It's expensive and a cost to the environment and a hard slog to name a few reasons.
Maybe his thoughts are similar.