Page 9 | Can't get over DH not wanting more children

funder · 2022-12-13T10:16:04+00:00

Hi, We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me. How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 13/12/2022 17:53

@funder
I appreciate that this must be hard but when my 2 are killing each other I sometimes wonder if one would have been easier!! I really do - I love both my kids but when they start arguing it's absolutely horrendous.

All joking aside you need to work out if your current family situation is worth ruining for you potentially being on your own and not having any more kids with anyone else then you'll have a split family scenario with custody arrangements and it might not exactly be your ideal - I know lots of people do this but if you are fixated with expanding your current family unit then it's a compromise.

gannett · 13/12/2022 18:10

The validity of her feelings aren't the point. No one's saying she doesn't have a right to feel sad, of course she does. The point is that we don't always get what we want in life - this is something we teach children. We don't always get the money, the lifestyle, the partner, the career, the promotion, the house, the location, the children we want. And it sucks but hopefully we have get some of those things, enough to be happy.

So the options are to ditch your partner and split up your existing child's family - which I can't see as anything other than telling them they're not enough. Or to find a way through your sadness, for which I'd suggest counselling.

FWIW every one of the people I've known who've changed their minds about the number of children they wanted has been a woman - several friends had visions of large families, then the reality came along and they stuck with one or two. I'm surprised that so many people view changing one's mind as something malicious and strategic.

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 18:11

Bananagirl23 · 13/12/2022 17:49

Absolutely her feelings are valid, but it would be really sad to break apart the family she does have over them, particularly for the sake of the child she already has.

But for the family to stay together, the OP needs to have a functioning relationship with her husband... share a life, a house, a room, weekends, holidays etc. If my husband changed his mind unilaterally on the shape and size of the family I thought we both wanted (and he knew I wanted), I'm afraid that it would change my view of him and I would see him differently. And that might mean that I no longer trusted him and that we had grown so far apart that the relationship no longer worked.

The reality is that if there is disagreement on these fundamental issues, relationships will often break apart in the end anyway.

MarshaBradyo · 13/12/2022 18:11

Staying with someone is always a choice, as is having a child.

What the op does next is up to her. Others might think she should stay but it’s her decision.

whimsical1975 · 13/12/2022 18:34

I don't really understand why alot of people think if OP leaves then she will be the one responsible for breaking up the family. If her DH changed his mind (which he's entitled to do but may well come with consequences), then he's equally as responsible for the break down of the family unit should OP leave. If he now only wants their married life to continue with one child, and OP only wants it to continue whilst trying to have a second child, then just because her DH isn't the one to physically leave he is, in my opinion, equally as responsible for the break-down of the marriage.

If OP was upfront with DH and told him she is no longer going to take birth control and DH then leaves the marriage because of this, who would then be "blamed" for the marriage ending? When neither party is able to budge on something then they are equally responsible for the fall-out.

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 19:30

gannett · 13/12/2022 18:10

The validity of her feelings aren't the point. No one's saying she doesn't have a right to feel sad, of course she does. The point is that we don't always get what we want in life - this is something we teach children. We don't always get the money, the lifestyle, the partner, the career, the promotion, the house, the location, the children we want. And it sucks but hopefully we have get some of those things, enough to be happy.

So the options are to ditch your partner and split up your existing child's family - which I can't see as anything other than telling them they're not enough. Or to find a way through your sadness, for which I'd suggest counselling.

FWIW every one of the people I've known who've changed their minds about the number of children they wanted has been a woman - several friends had visions of large families, then the reality came along and they stuck with one or two. I'm surprised that so many people view changing one's mind as something malicious and strategic.

There's a BIG difference between having 2 kids and saying I think that's enough because money is tight and there's OPS situation.

OPS feelings are valid and they are the point here, she is struggling and I don't see how YOU trying to minimise this is constructive at all.

Your post is all one way, talk about black kettle pot! You want to tell OP how to feel and dictate her reaction to her own husband.

More to the bloody point why doesn't her husband find a way to want another child? Because your quick enough to instructor OP to bypass how she feels so by the same token her husband should do the same? it not that simple 🙄🙄🙄🙄

SpringIntoChaos · 13/12/2022 20:47

onefedupmum · 13/12/2022 13:06

3. Ignore your husband's wishes and 'get pregnant' anyway (the old 'whoops it was an 'accident' scenario 😦)

What the most stupidest and most selfish piece of advice ever given! If her husband doesn't want anymore you can't "accidentally" get pregnant that's life destroying for her husband.
Anyone and I mean anyone who does this is a selfish piece of shit.

Oh ffs!! Yet another poster who has comprehension issues!!

AGAIN...I DID NOT OFFER THIS AS ADVICE!!! Please do better and READ a post fully before jumping on! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I despair!

SpringIntoChaos · 13/12/2022 20:48

saleorbouy · 13/12/2022 13:18

3. Ignore your husband's wishes and 'get pregnant' anyway (the old 'whoops it was an 'accident' scenario 😦).

This is awful advice, it definitely won't help your relationship and if this was role reversed and the suggestion was he should 'accidentally' make her pregnant this suggestion would rightfully be flamed.
This truly flies in the face of equality and personal rights.

Ffs! READ THE POST 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 20:49

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 18:11

But for the family to stay together, the OP needs to have a functioning relationship with her husband... share a life, a house, a room, weekends, holidays etc. If my husband changed his mind unilaterally on the shape and size of the family I thought we both wanted (and he knew I wanted), I'm afraid that it would change my view of him and I would see him differently. And that might mean that I no longer trusted him and that we had grown so far apart that the relationship no longer worked.

The reality is that if there is disagreement on these fundamental issues, relationships will often break apart in the end anyway.

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@Goldbar

you can’t really know for sure how many kids you want until you’ve had one though

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 20:52

whimsical1975 · 13/12/2022 18:34

I don't really understand why alot of people think if OP leaves then she will be the one responsible for breaking up the family. If her DH changed his mind (which he's entitled to do but may well come with consequences), then he's equally as responsible for the break down of the family unit should OP leave. If he now only wants their married life to continue with one child, and OP only wants it to continue whilst trying to have a second child, then just because her DH isn't the one to physically leave he is, in my opinion, equally as responsible for the break-down of the marriage.

If OP was upfront with DH and told him she is no longer going to take birth control and DH then leaves the marriage because of this, who would then be "blamed" for the marriage ending? When neither party is able to budge on something then they are equally responsible for the fall-out.

@whimsical1975

and?
so?
op’s husband shouldn’t agree to having another kid just to keep his wife happy

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 20:59

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:24

That’s the problem with this though isn’t it? OP is 40 and fast running out of time to have another child. Say her relationship breaks down in a few years, she has lost her window and will never have another be able to carry another child. Meanwhile her DH could meet someone else, change his mind and have another child with no concerns about fertility. At best, he would apologise to OP but what good would that be to her and her shrivelled ovaries? If I were OP I would freeze my eggs and demand that my DH, who was so certain in his decision, have a vasectomy. The viability of frozen eggs (vs frozen embryos) is poor but also the success of a vasectomy reversal reduces with the passage of time.

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@Mumsanetta

“If I were OP I would freeze my eggs and demand that my DH, who was so certain in his decision, have a vasectomy“

why would you do that??

whimsical1975 · 13/12/2022 21:12

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 20:52

@whimsical1975

and?
so?
op’s husband shouldn’t agree to having another kid just to keep his wife happy

Show quote history

@LuckySantangelo35 ummmm... exactly which part of my post gave you the impression I was in any way suggesting this? Truly, I'm genuinely intrigued... Almost certain what I said was that both parties are equally responsible when neither is prepared to budge.

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 21:21

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:50

It forces the DH to be responsible for contraception.
They are harder to reverse with time. If OP’s DH is adamant that he doesn’t want to have more children and his decision will have an irreversible impact on OP due to declining fertility I think it is fair that he has a vasectomy and is also unable to have children with a future spouse after divorce.

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@LuckySantangelo35 answer to your question above.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 21:45

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 21:21

@LuckySantangelo35 answer to your question above.

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@Mumsanetta

yeah I agree OP’s husband needs to start using condoms
im sure he will
it’s hardly a big deal wearing condoms compared to the stressors of parenting an unwanted child for 18 plus years

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 21:47

@LuckySantangelo35 i didn’t say condoms, I said a vasectomy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 21:56

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 21:47

@LuckySantangelo35 i didn’t say condoms, I said a vasectomy.

@Mumsanetta

oh right yeah. Well, same difference. Short term pain for longer term benefit

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 22:00

It’s actually not the same thing. Condoms do not affect fertility but a vasectomy will be difficult to reverse after a while. I think it’s important that the DH takes a step to sacrifice his fertility too if he is asking the OP to do the same. Otherwise he could well change his mind in 10 years time and still be able to have more children with another woman whereas OP wouldn’t be able to because of a decision he made for her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 22:02

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 22:00

It’s actually not the same thing. Condoms do not affect fertility but a vasectomy will be difficult to reverse after a while. I think it’s important that the DH takes a step to sacrifice his fertility too if he is asking the OP to do the same. Otherwise he could well change his mind in 10 years time and still be able to have more children with another woman whereas OP wouldn’t be able to because of a decision he made for her.

@Mumsanetta

well it sounds like he’ll be fine with it given that he doesn’t want another kid

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 22:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 20:49

@Goldbar

you can’t really know for sure how many kids you want until you’ve had one though

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So this is one issue which might realistically cause a couple to grow apart then.

Neither of them are necessarily wrong but they may now be incompatible.

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 22:05

@LuckySantangelo35 he may change his mind, he may leave OP and decide he wants more kids!

It does happen..

Holly60 · 13/12/2022 22:12

Failingateverything · 13/12/2022 10:57

I don’t see why people’s feeling about infertility are sacrosanct but my feelings about not being able to have the family I want are invalid.
You’re not helping. At all. That’s nit an opinion. I’m telling you your approach of ´be grateful for what you have’ is fucking unhelpful.

This post isn't about you though. OP has posted on an advice forum asking for other people's thoughts. @RewildingAmbridge has given some sensible insight based on her experiences. The fact that you (a fellow poster) personally don't find her comments helpful is pretty irrelevant really.

Bubblesdublin · 13/12/2022 22:39

Sounds like a very good idea @Mumsanetta Id do likewise.

sheepdogdelight · 14/12/2022 07:44

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 22:00

It’s actually not the same thing. Condoms do not affect fertility but a vasectomy will be difficult to reverse after a while. I think it’s important that the DH takes a step to sacrifice his fertility too if he is asking the OP to do the same. Otherwise he could well change his mind in 10 years time and still be able to have more children with another woman whereas OP wouldn’t be able to because of a decision he made for her.

OP could go and have a child with another man too if she wanted.

I don't think anyone should be forced to have an operation, but agree that DH should take charge of contraception.

Mumsanetta · 14/12/2022 08:25

sheepdogdelight · 14/12/2022 07:44

OP could go and have a child with another man too if she wanted.

I don't think anyone should be forced to have an operation, but agree that DH should take charge of contraception.

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OP is 40 now so she realistically she couldn’t.
OP is being “forced” by her DH to not have a child if she doesn’t leave him so I think it’s fair.
I guess OP could just decide that she no longer wishes to use condoms and leave DH to either come to terms with her decision which she has made on her own even if it affects him and let him decide whether it’s worth breaking up their family over.

PinkPink1 · 14/12/2022 08:32

sneezingpandamum · 13/12/2022 14:06

I actually think he's being really selfish if you always discussed having more than 1
But....what are his reasons? If he's carrying the burden of the family financially...say you are a low earner / part time / don't work and having a second child would only increase his burden then I'd say unfortunately his wishes prevail unless you are prepared to go back to work / go full time / etc - but that assumes that the only reason he doesn't want more is money related.

If it's his age not much either of you can do about that

Have to say....and being honest....this is why I was always happy to be the main earner by far in my marriage and ultimately the decision to have more children (or not) I felt I had more say in as ultimately it would be me carrying the baby(ies) and then ultimately paying for them

I don’t think OP’s DH is selfish. He’s allowed to change his mind. Before I got pregnant, my DP and I wanted 2 dc. He really wants 2 dc. However, I am pregnant and will have to have an elective Caesarian. This is a higher risk pregnancy.

My DP is disappointed that we won’t have 2 dc (unless I change my mind), but pregnancy and childbirth are tough. I know the recovery will be tough. I also don’t want to put my career on hold for years just to have 2 dc close in age. I may change my opinion, but I am happy for 1 healthy dc for now.

Op - and I imagine her DH too - are already 40 or older. Older women have higher risk pregnancies. There’s also the risk of disabilities due to older eggs and older sperm. Their 4 year old DD is healthy. Their next hypothetical dc could have severe learning difficulties. Or the pregnancy might be traumatic. You can never know.