Can't get over DH not wanting more children

[funder]

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant.

You're joking, right?

There’s really no compromise when it comes to children. I don’t want any, my ex husband lied and said he didn’t want any until we were on our honeymoon then he admitted he had been lying all along and ‘knew’ all women wanted children when they got married so he had pushed the marriage to get me to a place where I wanted children. I filled in the divorced papers the day after our 1st wedding anniversary.

If you ‘go without’ a second child or he ‘gives in’ and has a second child, there will always be resentment there and I think the only way to resolve it either way is with counselling.

My best friend was in this position and after counselling they went on to have three more children and are very happy. However I know couples where there have been very different outcomes including ‘accidental’ pregnancies, divorce and sticking with one child, which has sometimes worked out well and sometimes not.

It’s such a difficult situation to balance the needs and wants of you, your husband and your existing child with so many different outcomes that I think talking is the only way through.

he admitted he had been lying all along
I have a similar story married a man and was very clear from the start of the relationship that I did not want to have children with him, he raise no objection to this but admitted after we were married that he thought he could persuade me.
He used to use it to try and make me feel guilty....'well I don't have any kids so I treat myself to this' etc and then one day I said to him 'do you wish that you'd married a woman who wanted to have children with you?' I added that I don't mind, I understand sometimes we regret the choices we made etc.
I can't remember what his reply was but he never used that to try and make me feel guilty again!

Kids are very expensive and life is tough enough as it is given the economic environment. Do you have the financial ability to have kids? If not then I wouldn't bother as it will put more pressure on your relationship.

People do this all the time,getting pregnant with the 3rd and 4th child and calling it an accident.

At least this poster is honest about it!

Well you too must of been "fixated" because you have 2 children.

I have 1 child and sometimes I wish he had a sibling because your always expected to play and going on holiday I always hope theirs other kids willing to be kind enough to play with DS. He fortunately makes himself quite known and is a confident child. Children fratch weather that's with a friend, next door neighbour or your own sibling. It's not an everyday thing though other wise people wouldn't go on to have more.

Later on in life is what also crosses my mind... I don't want to hear there's no guarantees either, I know that. But im 1 of 4 siblings myself and a mother to an only so thought I'd share my view.

And those people are scumbags.

Just because it happens doesn't mean it needs to be normalised or accepted.

@LaLuz7 that's quite a strong term your vocalising their. What gets me about your posts is. You have been passive aggressive throughout this thread and OP has NOT suggested doing anything like this yet you've been passive aggressive and name calling.

You perhaps should learn to gain some understanding people are entitled to feel how they feel without been made to feel like a terrible person.

LaLuz7 didn't call the OP a scumbag, though, just women who lie about contraception to deceive their partners. Most people would agree that that's a scummy thing to do, surely?

Yes, because the issue with the behaviour is the failure to admit it, not the behaviour itself 🥴

presumably the fathers that completely reject their children born in this way are above reproach as well, as long as they tell the truth about it.

@ZoeCM yes I know that poster didn't call OP a scumbag. However SHE has moaned about people lying and deceiving your partner which OP has not done, your correct. @LaLuz7 HAS been continously nonchalant about OPS feelings and called her selfish.

I'm not the one confused... I've been following the thread and trying to understand BOTH points. From OP and her DH

The only way round this situation is for OPS DH her to understand how his wife feels, I mean surely you would think it's obvious? But there's a lot of thoughtless on this thread towards OP and I don't think that is helping!

That's pretty much what my ex-wife did. We had two kids already, and I was not happy in the relationship. I was in constant fight or flight mode trying to cope with her NPD but was trying to keep the relationship together for the childrens sake. Bringing another child into that was an awful idea.

She kept badgering and prodding and shaming and guilt tripping and negotiating until she wore me down and I finally caved. Yes, it was ultimately my decision to agree, but it was absolutely under duress. The thing is, she was fully confident she had me so completely under her thumb that she could do anything she wanted and I'd just have to deal with it. I suppose in a way, that's exactly what happened. She got her way, and I just dealt with it.

Our marriage continued for several more years, but I can point to that specific situation as the final breaking point for me. The marriage was over for me, past the breaking point. The rest of the time I spent in that marriage was me getting my ducks in a row to leave when the right opportunity arose.

*People do this all the time,getting pregnant with the 3rd and 4th child and calling it an accident.

At least this poster is honest about it!*

Admitting it or not, it's a terrible thing to do that says a lot about the respect of partners towards each other, or rather the lack thereof!

Having a child must always be a joint decision by both parents involved imo

Why would you WANT to bring a child into a family if it's not absolutely desired by BOTH parents?

It seems wrong and rather selfish to me

What is wrong exactly? It's not wrong to have feelings however if OP was to act on them and go against her husbands wishes that would be wrong yes.

To have feelings of wanting or longing for a child isn't wrong at all. 🙄

@Ontheele and @TERRRYsnotmine, are you the same person with a nc fail (or socking)? There’s a very specific inability to comprehend or engage with what’s being said, coupled with impenetrable word salad here that seems unlikely to spring from different sources.

On the off chance that you’re not the same poster, you should meet. I think you’d be great friends.

It's not wrong to have feelings however if OP was to act on them and go against her husbands wishes that would be wrong yes.

That's what I meant. I meant why would any want to actually bring a child into a family without both parents absolutely desiring the baby!

You are looking for you're (not your) and there (not their). You're welcome.

And I stand by what i said. People who trap others into parenthood by deceit are scumbags. That should be ilegal.